SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, this guy had another show in Philly on Friday night, posted all over his FB page. I went to work, when I was done, she wasn't home. I jumped to conclusions, and then found out she went to dinner and hung out with my cousins wife because she needed someone to talk to. The next day she went to her first therapist meeting.

If I had to guess, and it's just a guess, but I've known her for 27 years, so I have a pretty good read on her, she wants the marriage to work, but is terrified to have "the talk" about everything she did, and finally getting honest.

Here's the thing: you're still very, very early in the game. The über-long thread is misleading; you're new to this. And you're doing it YOUR way, which is the only way you can do it. We all do. Even though, collectively, our experiences may seem remarkably formulaic. We know they're not; for each of us, this is a life implosion. It's not one-size-fits-all; it's tragedy.

We know that even when we seem to forget it.

I took so long to take action that most on SI probably gave up on me. I had many reasons—and I won't deny that fear was among them. Fear is as valid a reason as any to put the brakes on, gently, for a time.

In retrospect, I wish I'd acted sooner. Well, more accurately, I wish I'd seen something impossible to see at a time when it was impossible to see, and avoided the whole thing. Like it happens that way.

But even with all the SI wisdom—which was remarkably accurate—I still had to travel my path, just as everyone else traveled theirs. I don't think I've ever seen anyone, in all the years I've been here, just do what SI says. And that's good.

You'll get where you need to go. I'm sorry for your pain en route—but know you will grow and become who you are meant to be, if you permit. (And with time, you will. There are no timetable shortcuts—even if all of SI seems unanimous as we sit in the proverbial movie theater, yelling at you, "Don't go up the stairs!"

We all have to climb our own stairs. SI is at its best when offering post-stairway-ambush solutions. Sure, we know what's at the top before you do; there are too many of us who've climbed the stairs before you. But you still have to see what's up there for yourself.

Try not to personalize any impatience you may perceive. It comes from a good place.

I agree that it's not necessary to file for D at this point. I would, however, recommend you ask your attorney how you can protect yourself legally, financially, ..., between now and the point where you decide whether to file for divorce or not. Once you protect yourself like that, there really won't be any objective downside to not filing for divorce.

It's great that you're in AA and that it's been helping you! Best wishes!

... I don't know what I want. I'm still processing everything.

That's just fine, and expected at this early stage in the game. I asked the question to focus your attention on that difficult-but-necessary place. Mindfully evaluating the oneself and the situation and taking time to decide shouldn't be confused with indecision or paralysis in the face of the obvious. Keep thinking on the question.

edited to add: And taking steps to protect yourself emotionally, legally, and financially has Hobbes just suggested, isn't going to hurt your future options any either.

[This message edited by antlered at 1:16 PM, April 10th (Sunday)]

...she wants the marriage to work, but is terrified to have "the talk" about everything she did, and finally getting honest.

I can imagine. If it ever gets to that point I'd make sure "the talk" starts with her showing you the results of a STD test and ends with an appt. with a polygraph examiner.

I don't think I need to explain why.

fwiw from a fellow AA'er & HW dabbler whose wife's infidelity got him back to meetings....you're doing great. Keep working it for yourself, and as the saying goes "more will be revealed."

So she comes up to me in the kitchen this morning, smiling and says "I went to my first appointment yesterday", I said "good".

She says, "You're still mad and not talking to me?"

Still mad? That's when I knew she still doesn't get it. I'm not rug sweeping this. She walked up to me to try to give me a hug, I backed up and walked away.

THIS is how I'm taking control of the situation.

"We all have to climb our own stairs. SI is at its best when offering post-stairway-ambush solutions. Sure, we know what's at the top before you do; there are too many of us who've climbed the stairs before you. But you still have to see what's up there for yourself."

Sorry, quote function refusing on IPad.

Above yet another example why Solus Sto one of my favourite SI ers.

😊

Let Her Go ! Anytime she told you she doesn't respect you , she Showed that she Doesn't Respect you Long before she told you . I wish you well but let her go .

That was a nice touch many would have crumbled and got sucked in from the breadcrumbs.

good for you, JM about this morning.

Now IMO you have to toe a line here.

It is you that doesn't want to get divorced. Your decision. Fine. However, if she's making progress, yes by all means keep on the 180 hard but every once in a while, you may have to give her a small bit of encouragement so that she doesn't feel that nothing will work and completely go the other way.

It is a difficult thing to do. Maybe next time, say "Good, I am glad you are getting help for your issues and sharing them with me" and then walk away.

The fact that she's trying to tell you these things and give you a hug tells me that she may be creeping back around to you ever so slowly. If you aren't going to get divorced but are looking for reconciliation to an extent, burn the bridge mostly but keep the lifeline there.

You know me. I wouldn't be reconciling. However, again that's your choice. Keep the control you are keeping but at the same time, don't dismantle your ultimate objective by being 'too good' at breaking away.

Marc878 is right. You didn't get sucked in. Good for you. There will be no rugsweeping. excellent. But think of this like a game of chess at this point. Win the game but leave something in place for you to have when you win

Western is correct in that you cannot successfully reconcile while simultaneously rejecting her. BUT, you are not reconciling with her yet and the 180 is what you need at this time. That does not mean you should not communicate with her.

She needs to know what you expect in the way of boundaries. If she is willing to do the things necessary to allow you to heal and establish trust required to begin any future effort at reconciliation, she should understand what steps to take. Lovey dovey hugs and rug sweeping----no. Transparency, provision of updates on fixing herself and seeing to your specified needs----yes.

[This message edited by crisp at 3:59 PM, April 10th (Sunday)]

You are going great.

At some point you might ask about her therapy session - my sense is you have won.

But winning means you face a decisions of your own.

Do you want her back? Take your time and think about that. You have have already found out that finding another - another who has not betrayed you - will not be difficult.

If we assume you do, what does she have to do?

JM72, I understand the exchange this morning it's like they aren't aware of this situation or something. Since I refuse to communicate via text anymore with my WH he emails me, this afternoon I really received an email (( mind you I told him I'm go ahead with the he D filed and haven't slept in our room in 2 weeks doing the 180 yet again)) he says I'm horny, it's been 2 weeks, isn't this what you think caused me to cheat in the first place....uh what!?!?!

Does he really think I'm going to just roll in their break him off some sex and play into his crazy disillusioned fantasy world?

Ugh my mind is spinning....what don't they get?

Keep on your track and stay strong, I just wanted to share so you know it's not just your WS who wants to try and act like if they pretend nothing ever happened they'll convince us as well.

@ Redsox13 - what would I need from her? Honesty. Remorse. Accountability. Willingness to change. Her understanding the pain I felt.

I know I can be with other women, it's just hard to cut ties to a 27 year relationship that we built together. 4 kids, going from having absolutely nothing to the 4 bedroom house in the suburbs. She stuck by my side through alot of shit over the years, maybe some stuff that other women would have walked from. Drinking, neglect, depression. It doesn't excuse anything she did, but yeah, to me it's a factor. I still love her, and hate what she did at the same time.

@ Crazytrain101 - exactly. Just like I stated, you can't do what you did to me, not even say "I'm sorry", and expect to walk up to me to give me a hug. No accountability, no remorse, but you want to smile and give me a hug?? That in itself is insulting to me.

There are ways to make things better, but sometimes I think they just don't get it.

[This message edited by JM72 at 10:41 PM, April 10th (Sunday)]

Hey, JM. I want you to know that I have not been following your story. I've only read your last few posts.

I know that the members here on SI can be very blunt and direct. Many won't "pull any punches," and that can be very hard to take. At five months past D-day, it was often extremely hard for me to read some the of the things members here were trying to tell me. It's taken me nearly a year, end countless hours of writing and posting on SI to start to understand a few things.

I have tried to envision two futures for myself.

The first was reconciled. Mostly, because I love my wife and still have a very hard time believing that she wasn't just capable of doing what she did, but that she actually did it. This was not the woman I knew. She couldn't be. But! The truth is, I didn't know my wife half as well as I thought I did--and I still don't know her as much as I would like to, especially if reconciliation is going to be possible. Also, being hit rather hard by hysterical bonding influenced my decision to "jump blindly into R." The vast majority of my posts are in the R forum. Today, I would say that we are reconciling, but we still have a very, very long way to go.

The second was a divorce. What would that look like? What would it entail? How the hell could I ever explain this to my son? Could I withstand and endure the utter heart-break he would surely feel? I didn't much like that option and, to some degree, I still fear that it's inevitable.

I am detached from my wife, JM. I am sitting on the fence, watching, observing, listening and learning...

Either outcome is perfectly okay with me now.

Whether or not we can R our marriage or we end up divorced, I will have the life that I want. It's my choice.

If my fWW choses to accept that, then she's more than welcome to join me in this new future of mine.

First and foremost, I will not be married to a cheater. That's a pretty firm boundary. Rather iron-clad, actually. It always has been. When my wife cheated, she ended our marriage. This is the only way I can see it. However, because she is, for the most part, a good woman, who is trying very hard to explain all of this to me, to make amends, show remorse and love and empathy... I am perfectly willing to make a one-time only exception to the simple fact of life that infidelity is a deal-breaker.

She broke the deal. Not me.

I think what most veterans around here want to you to understand and truly embrace, is that it's your life, brother. If you choose not to be married to an unrepentant, unremorseful woman, then so be it. I see nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, I would encourage you to tell this to your WW, very calmly, very matter-of-factly.

When someone shows you their true character, believe them.

Show her your true character.

Tell her what you expect from her in no uncertain terms. Write it all out, very specifically.

If she choose to accept it, well, great.

If not, well, it sucks, and it's going to hurt and cause all sorts of misery, but...

...her choice.

She's already shown you the choices she is willing to make in her life...

She already made her choices.

Make yours.

It's hard to give up that much "control," but when you start to realize that you never had any control over her what-so-ever, it's incredibly liberating. It's perfectly okay to be okay with your decisions regarding what you want for your life.

That's it, brother. That's the "magic bullet."

My wife cheated.

She lied about it.

She blame-shifted for months.

She unleashed all of her anger at me for months.

So, I called a lawyer, starting the process, came within a phone call of filing. Then balked (for very personal reasons).

Yeah... brother... your wife may have lost her marbles, but it's not your responsibility to find them for her, particularly when she refuses to even recognize that they're missing.

The only thing you can do is make your life better.

Detach from your wife. Separate your issues from hers, your emotional and mental state from hers. Your wife is not the woman you thought she was when you married here decades ago. She's gone, man. Changed! And there's very little you can do about it at all.

We are all responsibility for our own happiness in this life-time. We cannot allow ourselves to put that responsibility into anyone else's hands, nor we can do the same for them.

Surviving infidelity is about you, JM.

It's not about your marriage and it's certainly not about your WW.

Be strong, man.

This is your life.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:20 AM, April 11th (Monday)]

JM72,

I have been following your story. I think you are doing exactly the right thing for you and your situation. Your judgment seems really sound, you are taking care of yourself, you are talking care of your kids, you have showed your wife that her choices are completely unacceptable and she must change if she wants to continue being married to you. I am really sorry this happened to you. But I would say trust your own judgment. Good luck.

I agree with Crisp above

every once in a while, you may have to give her a small bit of encouragement so that she doesn't feel that nothing will work and completely go the other way.

It is a difficult thing to do. Maybe next time, say "Good, I am glad you are getting help for your issues and sharing them with me" and then walk away

I think Western is probably right about this.

Yeah, I have to do something about the anger I have. My therapist said write her a letter, holding nothing back, then burn it. I of course felt, that wouldn't make me feel better, but who knows?

It's why I'm indifferent when she tells me she's going to therapy. I have to find balance with standing up for myself, and not being 100% cold and callous when she tells me she wants to work on making things better.