SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And those men out there who don't appreciate the women you're with, that's OK. I'LL pick up your slack bros. LOL!!

Just....... good grief!

What an arse.

MOB

I'm not even sure how or if I can check the phone bill. She opened the cell phone plan for the family while I was at work years ago. I'm on the plan, but the bill comes to the house every month and it's in her name.

Can I go to the cell phone store for our carrier and get a cell phone statement which would list all calls and text messages from her phone if I'm not the primary on the account?

The details of calls/texts will be online. Does she keep a log of usernames passwords?

Most do somewhere

I'm obsessed with Amy *******. She is finer than a MaF**Ka!! And by no means is she a plus size woman at 160 pounds. I have kids that are 160 pounds. But even if she was, she still be fine. I don't care if you are 160, 200, 250 pounds or even more, you can be sexy. And those men out there who don't appreciate the women you're with, that's OK. I'LL pick up your slack bros. LOL!!

If I were you I'd put this on the refrigerator door and her mirror.

Don't say a word about it.

You should block out her name like I did on here.

She's a shifty one. The passwords have been changed on so many things over the years, I wouldn't even know where to start.

It can be anything.

Amy Schumer is an actress so no need to blank out her name.

You're doing well, JM. Hang in there.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:55 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

JM.

Sent you a private message

It would be interesting to see the results if somehow copies of that made it to his place of employment anonymously of course.

That being said, what are you doing on his Facebook page? That was actually a rhetorical question, that's called painshopping. If you are not actively in R, you should be in the 180. Don't do this to yourself brother. Focus on yourself and your kids.

Focus on the Serenity Prayer. Keep working on the things that you can change. He isn't one of them, nor is she.

Strength

Not really painshopping, I'm searching for truths.

I'm talking to her when I get home. This has to go in one direction or another. Tell me you're feeling the more time goes by, the more you feel you don't want a divorce, it might be the biggest mistake you can make? Start IC? Tell others in the family that you love and miss me? Then it's time to put your big girl panties on and start getting honest with.

Editing because we cross posted. I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck

I may have missed something along the way. I apologize if this is off the mark. But it seems to me that you are at a stand off. You did the 180 successfully, disengaging yourself, and thus protecting yourself from some of the trauma. Now, she may have pulled her head from her ass, may have stopped some of her self destructive behavior and appears(?) to be reaching out to you. You aren't receptive, that's understandable.

But she has no idea how to reach you, or even whether you'd welcome her approach. YOU don't even know for sure if you'd welcome that. You have some idea of what you want from her, but how could she know that? She isn't a mind reader. You could maybe figure out her passwords, but who knows, maybe she is really ready to change and would be willing to fork them over. How will you know if you don't communicate?

It seems to me that neither of you know where you stand. And won't unless you talk to one another. I recognize that there is no reason for you to trust her entirely, but surely some kind of information can be exchanged.

Maybe it's time for a sit down.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 6:50 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

Scaredykat - 1000% correct on all accounts.

Yes I'm pissed, but alot of people have been telling me the same thing - "Even if she wanted to change or reconcile, how can she even think of approaching you if you are this angry?"

My therapist said "it won't be easy for her, she knows the fear of getting honest with you. It will be extremely tough on her, but if she sees you are nothing but angry, how can she even begin to approach you?"

I'm just fearful of getting hurt more, or rug sweeping the whole thing to make it go away. I want to DEAL with this, not avoid it because it's uncomfortable. I'm also not sure about breaking the 180 and telling her how I feel.

[This message edited by JM72 at 6:58 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

If you can't get the phone access another option is go to Walmart and get a couple VAR's

One in the car one in the home.

Make sure you hide secure them well.

Get good batteries.

Sounds like you need to know where

She's at.

There is no way to bring up R without opening up the chance of getting hurt even more than you already are.

The most important thing is to have your thoughts organized. I am a lawyer, I think in lists:

1. No Contact. EVER.

2. IC every week.

3. Read How to help youself heal from affair.

etc.

Really you are trying to simultaneously say these are my ground rules and at the same make it clear you want to R (If you know that)

Not an easy conversation.

VAR's are a good idea. I would ask for access to the cell phone records as well.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 8:10 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

Redsox has a good point.

She needs to know some things. Such as:

* You are trying to decide whether or not to file for divorce, regardless of how much love you feel for her or how much history you share.

* You are insisting she give you the print outs of the phone records for the past XX months

* You will not entertain anything other than divorce if she breaks NC

* You are insisting on her writing a NC letter to the pigjerkass

* You insist that she continue counseling until such time as the two of you can enter MC and make progress

* You are insisting she be tested for STD's

* You expect her to write a timeline detailing the exact and true history of her cheating

* You expect her to HONESTLY answer every question you may have - for however long you have questions and no matter how many times you ask the same question.

* You will not tolerate her ever saying "get over it" or the like.

* You will expect all her electronic devices to remain open to you and for her to allow you to check her history

* You will expect her to not go out bar hopping, club-scening or anything until such time as you feel comfortable with that - if ever.

* You are expecting that if she does the hard work involved then you are willing to put hard work into the marriage and into forgiveness, with the hope that you will have a better marriage in the end.

Those are just off the top of my head...

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 8:08 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

Well, I'm gonna go home and see if she wants to go for a walk. Have no idea how this is gonna go.

I'll update later I guess

Sending strength

Well, the talk fell through. She was in bed when I got home. I did send her a text -

I wanted to say I'm proud of you for having the courage to go to counseling.

She responded -

thanks, but you couldn't say that face to face? I guess a text is progress. It's still communication. I'll take it

I said -

I wasn't sure if you were sleeping.

Her -

It was not an easy first session but I should have expected that

Me -

It takes courage. Just understand that

It's funny, I went for a walk around the neighborhood tonight and was thinking, the pain I was in got me back to where I need to be, back in AA working on myself and doing what I was supposed to be doing for the last 15 years.

It also was enough pain for her to do something I was hoping she would do for many years, reach out for help. It's not easy admitting you have problems, believe me, I know, and it's even harder for her. Never show weakness, never admit to being wrong, always be in control, etc. That was her.

God works in mysterious ways.

All this time you were not talking and this is the first message you send her

I wanted to say I'm proud of you for having the courage to go to counseling.

Honestly, that was terrible IMO. It makes you look desperate.

You do realize what she means when she says divorcing might be a big mistake. Notice it says nothing about loving you or hurting you.

[This message edited by kimichi at 10:41 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

We've been talking a little more

The problem was not the talking, it was the content. She is replying as if she is doing you a great favor.

This is not progress IMO.

and looking at the status message of the OM:

WTF ?? This is the kind of guy she is having an affair with ?

[This message edited by kimichi at 10:44 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

I wanted to say I'm proud of you for having the courage to go to counseling.

I see nothing wrong with this text to his wife. She has been in an affair, and on her own accord started IC to try to fix her boundaries. JM72 has been doing the 180, so breaking the ice, so to speak, with a text that lets her know that he has noticed her effort, and is encouraged by it, is very appropriate.

She responded -

thanks, but you couldn't say that face to face? I guess a text is progress. It's still communication. I'll take it

I said -

I wasn't sure if you were sleeping.

The first part of her text, ("thanks, but you couldn't say that face to face?") Did come off a little coarse. Made her sound like she wants to rugsweep this, but we all know JM72 isn't going to do that. But the latter part, where she says,( "I guess a text is progress. It's still communication. I'll take it.") She is showing a desire to communicate and begin to work on things. Don't forget, she doesn't know what the 180 is, his lack of communication and emotional withdrawal is something she cannot understand. That's why I think she responded the way she did.

But make no mistake, she is in the wrong here. And she needs to make things right. JM72 needs to start communicating to her what he needs to move toward R. If I'm not mistaken he is in favor of R with his wife. She has already started IC, she needs to go totally No Contact with OM, she needs to become transparent and give JM72 full access to her electronics, including pins and passwords. She needs to give JM72 a full written timeline of the entire affair, with all the details JM72 wants, a total accounting. She needs to start working toward building back trust.

JM72, if you are still interested in R with your wife. You need to communicate your needs to her and give her a chance to fulfill them if she is willing. If she is not, you can go back to the 180 and detach from her. Good fortune to you brother.