SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don't give WW any indication that you're exposing the A to the other BS!!!! If you do you'll give the cheaters time to concoct a story about how you're a crazy jealous paranoid spouse and there's really nothing going on. And your WW will try to talk you out of it because the BS is either crazy or sick or has cancer or has anger issues or is suicidal or already knows or (insert all the other untrue excuses that every other WS has used). Just do it.

So the number has been disconnected...try 411 both online and by phone. Search search search!!

The disconnected number message is interesting. I remember having a humber disconnected some years ago and being told that the disconnected message would stay on there for 2 weeks. So it looks like the OM is pulling out all the stops on keeping you from his BS. Probably gave his BS a line of bull about doing so.

Have you searched her name on Google? Do you know if and where she works? Not that you would want to dump this on her at work but maybe you could get a cell number to contact her on. There are also sites out there that for a fee will search for a cell number from name and address...no find no fee. I used one years ago and I can attest they are good. I can't remember their website but if you are thinking of going this route I will look it up. Let me know.

Be careful of the form of letter you send her and make sure that SHE has to sign for it and request that a return receipt is sent to you so you can verify that she signed for it and it looks like female handwriting. Some APs have intercepted. Also make sure to enclose a copy of something damning so she will take it seriously and include a way to contact you. Surely she will have questions and if she has been smelling fish lately you may be able to share evidence.

disconnected, eh? interesting...

have you been to the IT forum, goose? there are many ways of tackling this and yes, a certified, register, RESTRICTED delivery could be appropriate in this case

the restricted is important as it allows for ONLY the BW to sign for the letter avoiding any interception from OM

have you found a facebook page which could give you some info on whether BW works and where her place of employment may be? you could also send a letter to her there as well as her home address

someone had mentioned about outing to church elders, this could be extremely effective and also allow for immediate counselling - i mean this is part of the power of fellowship

If you have other bs address, I would suggest you go there instead of a certified letter. I know from experience that even the mail that request only the person it is for signs..these things have failure rate. You will wonder if bs got your info...if you go there and hand it to her at least you know!

Something to think about.

Hang in there..I am following your story and you are truly an inspiration for your guts, sensitivity, strength and wisdom.

You can do this! Either way your marriage will either get saved or you move on..the actions that everyone is advising will ensure that.

((((GOOSE)))

I agree with hissad wife - made my wife call the other BS 5 min after she told me - was hard on her but in the end it meant the OM had no time to spin this to his advantage - the truth needs to be told or the healing is a lie.

"Is Toxic Friend married? I would have a conversation with her husband, letting him know that his wife supported and facilitated your wife's affair."

I second the motion! He needs to know that he has wife who is sympathetic to the notion of adultery. . .

"Is Toxic Friend married? I would have a conversation with her husband, letting him know that his wife supported and facilitated your wife's affair."

I second the motion! He needs to know that he has wife who is sympathetic to the notion of adultery. . .

Ditto that.

You and others have thrown out the idea of "kicking her out". Check with your lawyer, but in my state you can't kick a spouse out absent physical or child abuse, or threats. Just saying you don't want to think you hold a card that you can't play.

Also - as others have said, it is extremely unlikely that your wife has come 100% clean. It just isn't usually that quick or easy.

[This message edited by wewillmakeit at 11:09 AM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

It SO crazy..because everything you guys have said..SHE is doing. And the way you said I would feel is EXACTLY how I am feeling. Being able to have some guidance through this is very nice.

as much as the waywards think they are so different from everyone else that their situation is unique or special they all follow a common script,pattern and behaviour that is predictable.

i have been here many years reading.

follow the advice and guide lines being laid out for you.

try to be strong, it is pure hell and will be the worst experience youve ever had to deal with.

we are always here for you and can relate.

I have her email address from her Mylife profile. I'm drafting up the message right now.

Has your WW told you she is going to leave? My WW started looking into other places, jobs, divorce lawyers, etc... She was just being prepared in case I decided to end the relationship.

Your WW is acting like a spoiled teenager. Just be careful about pushing too hard.

i would also add a copy of some of the evidence you have in regards to what was/is going on, she will be angry in shock and denial and may not believe it.

You are doing the RIGHT thing by contacting OM's wife. I wish I had known of SI when I first learned of my XH's affair. Every bit of wisdom you've been given here is based on experience. Everything you are going through, I went through including the lies and excuses for why it was my fault my H had an affair. When my H learned I was talking with the skank's husband, he said, "Nothing good can come from you talking with him." I said, "Really? And just what good has come from you talking with his wife?" The skank then told her now XH how I was 'mean, a bitch, vengeful, had threatened my WH with harm, and that I lied all the time.' Gee, I think she was describing herself. Whatever, do contact the OM's wife, do stand your ground and believe NOTHING of what your WW is telling you now. They do all tell the same stories and they do all lie lie lie until, if and when, they totally emerge from the fog. It's a hell of a ride no one should have to take.

You and others have thrown out the idea of "kicking her out". Check with your lawyer, but in my state you can't kick a spouse out absent physical or child abuse, or threats. Just saying you don't want to think you hold a card that you can't play.

It only matters if his WW knows that he can't "legally" kick her out.

On Dday#2 I packed a bag and told WH he didn't live there any longer. He knew that was the consequence for breaking NC and he didn't question it.

Oh, and keep the copy of the email that indicates she is looking to move out.

Goose you can use Intellius and spend only a few dollars to get info. I got cell phone numbers, home numbers address.

http://www.intelius.com/

Just in case you end up needing it. I think i spent 10. or less

When I offered the OM a day to reveal the affair to his wife, he blocked his facebook account, his wife's, and crazily sent a message claiming that he'd copied my facebook friend names and threatening to "expose what they've been up to" to my family and friends. I know, it doesn't make any sense. Of course I responded, that he was provoking a man who had nothing to lose, and that it was only out of a possibly misplaced optimism and consideration for my wife's feelings that I had not told them myself - but if he wanted to be the agent of her social ostracization - be my guest.

I then sent an "invite" to his wife on LinkedIn, which he had not blocked because I was not linked to her there. My invite message revealed the affair to her. I also pasted in my original message to him, so she could see he'd been given a chance to come clean on his own instead of trying to hide it further.

[This message edited by VitaMan at 12:01 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

I've been here alot years....read it all....from my experiences......a full out exposure blitz is the quickest and most effective de-fogger there is!!!

Ditto....i agree.

Bufffalo

Goose -

Be sure to ask her to call you -

Just in case the email is intercepted by her WS....

Goose, you are being given the gift of incredible experience and knowledge by a host of SI members. I am very happy to see that you are thankful for this priceless gift. Even those of us with no advice are rooting for you, buddy. Go, Goose!

Its amazing how this thread blew up! I browsed through mostly your posts goose . I just want to say the advice here is great. Just remember though that there is a chance she will defog and show true remorse. Your M isn't over until its over. If she defogs and becomes remorseful, don't do anything too rash as far as decisions to end it. Wait some time to process this. If I didn't wait I wouldn't be enjoying my R right now.

I just worry a bit that with how much this thread has exploded, you can easily lose sight of what's going on and go full steam ahead with a decision you might regret. Slow down a bit before you make any rash decisions!

Btw I admire the way you have handled this so far. Its surreal how the whole SI community was able to watch it take place in almost real time.

Very sorry for your pain. It WILL get better with time.