SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe the OM's BW will show up here in "Just Found Out." Has that ever happened?

Yes it has....with a few OM/OW in here as well....

Bufffalo

I FIRMLY believe you should tell the "bitch's husband about what's going on!

She's afraid of losing her best friend? Oh well, you just lost yours!

NC, NC w/ friend, 180. Can she change jobs?

And tell OM's BW. She will be your ally in this mess. One more pair of eyes...

Wow, this is an epic thread here... I wish I had SI in my time! :)

Her best friends husband is a retard. He has no morals himself is extremely selfish. I pretty sure he has cheated on his wife. He is never available to for.

So I'm not sure telling him would do anything at all. He wouldn't even care because he is hitting something on the side too. He produces music..and has women all up in his grill...and his wife is always after his affection because isn't ever available.

And I would bet money her friend has already painted a pretty nasty picture of me.

I told her that her friend is toxic to our marriage and it doesn't look like she is willing to give her friend up......She thinks I have a plot against her friend to keep them apart..and that I'm being controlling.

Her job is a free lance contact work..so she could accept jobs where the OM and her friend are not on those events.

She already agreed to never work with the OM again and will replace herself if she is scheduled to work with him. There is still a chance they would be in the same building every once in a while.

But it doesn't look like she wants to lose her friend. She is the only one she confided in about the A...so I'm sure that is going to be hard.

The thing is..I would do it for her.... I have tried to put our marriage first and safeguarded it from bad situations etc. She on the other hand...has not. She really has some boundary issues...

Goose,

Right now your WW is being attacked and her bad decisions thrown in her face.

Her friend is the only one who is not telling her that she has made some really bad choices.

Of course she's not going to want to lose her. The friend is the only one validating her bad actions.

And your WW isn't in a place right now where she can face her bad actions.

Thank you for telling the other spouse. You did the right thing.

k9

You are doing great. Do NOT accept her bull about your expectations being controlling or unreasonable. She is free to walk if she doesn't like your requirements. You aren't making her do anything. She cheated so you get to make the rules if you two are going to reconcile. My husband thought my expectation that he leave his job was so unreasonable. He also told me he couldn't do it. I told him that he could think whatever he wanted. I continued to move forward until 1 day before my divorce. Amazing how his inability to quit his job suddenly changed when he saw I wasn't backing down. You are going to be tempted to get lax with your boundaries and expectations because you don't want to push her away or lose her. Don't give in to that temptations. If you don't hold tightly to what you expect now, you will end up in a pseudo-recovery where she's demanding her rights and you are getting scraps. She wants to avoid anything hard now. Don't try to make it easier for her. She has to face the hard stuff and make some huge, difficult decisions if she wants to save the marriage.

Does everyone agree her friend should go? What if her friend really didn't know of the affair kept going after October?

I guess I could read the texts and she how much see knew and if she supported it or not...my gut tells me she is bad for our marriage...and so far my gut has been a laser..

My WW claims her friend never supported what she was doing...but I don't believe that!

If this best friend is so awesome why have I only hung out with her twice in over a year? She started becoming really good friends with her around the same time frame as the OM.(within months)...

Goose, yes, the friend needs to go! She lives a lifestyle that's toxic to your WW and your M.

My WH let his best friend since kindergarten and best man at our wedding go because he was bad for the M and he didn't even know about the A. He was a bad influence though at a time when our M was/is fragile.

It's possible she's telling the truth about her friend. But then again you can't trust anything which comes out of her skanky mouth at present time.

They are sticking together as thick as thieves.

How long have they been best friends? Do you really believe this friend had a good moral compass and was telling your wife to stop? I get the impression that you know her well enough to know that's not the case.

Go talk to BF's H and see if she talked to him about it. Who knows what she may have confided with him, especially if you and he aren't friends.

I don't know if that's a deal breaker for you, keeping the BF, but that's something you are going to have to decide. If she's toxic, it will make R more difficult. As it's already such a hard thing to so, you don't really need to add more impediments to a successful R, if that's what you eventually want.

Take some time. Big decisions shouldn't be made so soon anyway.

Yes

I hear doubt in your post. Don't doubt yourself. You have been on the money with everything so far.

Don't make it a "ping-pong" conversation about this friend. Make your statement and walk away. End of convo.

Your M is about you and your WS. There is no room for a third party even friends at a time like this.

She can talk to an IC if she feels the need to have someone to talk to about what happened. BTW...do you have an IC for yourself and maybe for the kids too. Be sure to take care of yourself and your kids first.

Ask your wife this:

Is your friend a friend of the marriage?

I don't see how she could answer yes.

I can't tell you how many marriages I have seen where when one spouse starts cheating, they drop the good friends...the friends of the marriage.....and find a friend who they know won't tell them what they don't want to hear.

I had a good friend who came to me and told me she wanted to leave her husband for another man. I strongly discouraged her. I countered every foggy thought she had. I told her she would severly regret her decision. She quit calling me after that. She knew I was a moral person and would not support her decision. She surrounded herself with her party friends and became close with her OP's friends who she knew wouldn't judge her.

The reason you haven't hung out with this friend is because she is not a friend of the marriage. She is loyal to whatever your wife does. That is not a true friend. I was willing to let my wayward friend leave our friendship if she wanted to. I knew she would come back eventually and she did. Once she lost her marriage, was abused by her OP and severly hit bottom, we connected again. I actually think she was too ashamed to initiate it though. I contacted her after my husband's first affair. I wanted her to see that even though I had been right and she had wrecked her life and wanted her husband back who wouldn't take her, she could talk to me because I had been through something just as ugly.

We are close now and both agree that marriage is sacred. Your wife's friend doesn't.

It depends on the role your wife's best friend has played. My WW best friend was aware of what happened last summer and was horrified, tried to talk her out of it. She was in an awful place, because she is a friend of mine too, and has a great deal of care and affection for me. Even so, the knowledge that she knew was very difficult for me, and took a long time for me to forgive her - but I did. She was in an impossible situation.

If your WW is going to stick it out with you, then she will need an ally - a shoulder to cry on that isn't going to sleep with her. You don't burn her bridge, and then set fire to her island too - it will drive her straight back into his arms.

So, perhaps YOU should sit down with her friend, or the three of you - and have it out. Don't give her friend a chance to get the stories straight. Do a surprise attack, snap it on them, and move quickly. Might even be good to have them all there, because if there has been any lying on either side about who influenced whom, one of them might throw the other under the bus to save face. There's your wedge.

If this friend encouraged the situation though - then no, she's not a friend to the marriage, and it's best to have that discussion in her presence I think, so it doesn't get mischaracterized later, and so whatever discussion comes of it is respected rather than resented.

She won't have that discussion with you and your wife now? Wouldn't a friend do that if marriage was on the line?

It's now a private matter and none of her business? It wasn't before.

[This message edited by VitaMan at 8:39 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

I believe a simple rule that you will hear over and over here: If they aren't a friend of the marriage then they aren't a friend at all.

Now, that said, this "friend" knew the affair was going on. She told you nothing. To my mind that makes her an accomplice or at the very least an accessory after the fact. Add to that you believe she may have encouraged or even enabled the affair?

Yeah. Bitch gotta go. If WW don't like it, she can go too.

Controlling? YUP, but thems the breaks. She can get with the program or get to walkin. That's usually what it takes.

As a condition for my staying, I made my wife tell one of her best friends what she'd done - the whole story.

I did that because I knew she'd need a shoulder to cry on to get over the OM, but it couldn't be me.

Does everyone agree her friend should go? What if her friend really didn't know of the affair kept going after October?

The friend is not a friend of the marriage and must go. But I don't see your wife letting go of her partner in crime willingly.

She needs the friend to keep propping her up and telling her how right she is. How bad you are. Don't underestimate the power of that need.

I do not buy your WW's story. I would read the texts. It is definitive proof. I am sure it will be painful- but it is better to KNOW and not bargain with yourself about what or what did not happen. Especially when you have the evidence to check.

They say around here--- "Trust but verify."

I wouldn't say she is anywhere near earning any trust back yet. But I would verify every word that comes out of her mouth. Even if it hurts.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by redrock at 9:30 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

Maybe you could kill two birds with one stone. Let your WW believe her friend is the one who let the cat out of the bag.

Read the texts, the answers are in there if she supported your wife's affair or not...

If she did and you wife is still defending her friendship and refusing to terminate it then I think you have no other choice to divorce your wife.

Hard fact is you know you deserve better than to be in a marriage where you are not placed above a friend...

scratch that last statement... fuck this...

I am going to throw the light of judgement of what my personal opinion of what a healthy marriage should function like... you don't like the bitch already and you have some very valid opinions about her character (infidelity aside).

Take infidelity completely out of the picture, ask the question differently... is there any friendship that you would keep if your spouse told you that they were really uncomfortable with the morality and influence of a friend? I would say no, I would give up any friend if my H really was uncomfortable with them.

Put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, suppose you have done something heinous to your spouse, hurt them in a MAJOR way, she ONLY tells you I am uncomfortable with your relationship with Fred, I feel like he is interferring in our marriage and don't like or trust him.... purely out of respect for your partner, would you hang onto Fred or would you honor your wife's request?

You are controlling, blah, blah, blah.... I was told I was controlling because I was taking him away from his friends, before I found out they were all his fuck-buddies.

Seriously, if you aren't a priority cut her lose. Your earlier posts were about how to move past this horror and move into R, well if you don't have a WS willing to put in the work then it is very difficult emotionally and mentally to deal with this day in and day out. You've also written how you don't want to waste your life with this woman if she is not committed to a healthy marriage, how you DESERVE to find someone cool. You are so right about that...

You remember how about 10 pages ago we were all spouting up about a remorseful spouse and watching her actions? This is where the rubber meets the road, what she is willing to do, and it sounds like so far, not a whole hell of a lot except blame you. Keep moving forward with the divorce and I would suggest you stop engaging so much with her. Here is the problem, right now all she is saying is crazy talk, and it seriously messes with your head.

Like wifehad5 said a while back, paraphrasing (hope I get this right)... remember his is your WW not the wife you remember.

edited to add: Thanks for letting the OM BS know, I know it was very difficult for you to do with all you are going through but you did the right thing.

[This message edited by why2008 at 10:01 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]