SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

CO i have been following your story here and to be honest i just don't get it!

As a betrayed wife i can assure you the hearbreak i felt when i discovered the infidelity was gut wrenching.

In many ways i wished at times that i could have had your strength to follow them at a diastance and play my next move from a well planned strategy.....but that was impossible for me, my emotions just simply got in the way.

After i got over the shock I wanted more than anything to save my marriage and regain the love i once had.

The affair told me in the most brutal way that things had gone assup for us and i no longer was the apple of his eye. If i pretended nothing was wrong it would have tortured me to destruction. Then when my head cleared a little i got to thinking, like you i realised my marriage was suffering from intimacy problems, as in a lack of it, to the extent that it was easy to see why we were growing apart. This was never a good reason for an affair and I never accepted it and never will, but i do accept that i was partially to blame for things going wrong.

It made me think long and hard over the reasons we had arrived at this stage after 23 years of marriage.

I had to admit that there were times where i was bored too and maybe even wanted out now and then. This is normal between couples and some are better than others at spotting this danger zone.

Why does it hapen? When i look back at that time then i can tell you i was pretty much behaving as your wife has been described. I had other male friends at work, i dined with them on business and i knew them well enough to say lots of stupid things but that was as far as it went. I didn't care for any of them and the more i disliked their behaviour the easier it was to throw things back at them. If my h wanted to he could have interpreted my behaviour as maybe cheating on him.....But i wasn't........i was distant, lonely, scared and worried because life had lost it's glance. There was nobody out there i could compare to my husband. I really missed him and we had lost the ability to communicate.

You say that you don't want to approach your wife until you get enough evidence...why?

You are hell bent on her being guilty. This woman you once loved more than anything might just be shouting out from the depths of her heart from lonliness and sadness and trying to tell you that she misses the man she married.

Just through your descriptions i can tell that you too have changed during your years of marriage and believe me when i say that a womans intuition is made to pick up these signals.

She will know something is wrong, your investigations are leaving their own trails.

Your wife has started to spend too much......a common problem when bored that goes by the name of retail therapy.

When you married you promised to love and honour and you are certainly doing that by staying at home but you are not being very honourable when you keep this huge secret from her. You are driving a huge drift between any chance of reconcilliation the day you confront her. Things will have gone too far and may even be irrepairable.

I really hope that you two can work out your differences before your kid starts to notice the distance as well.

[This message edited by Inaturmoil at 4:40 AM, May 24th (Tuesday)]

I've been following this thread, and seems like there is two distinct camps: confront now, or wait for more evidence and confront later.

I confronted early (and often) and pretty much just got accusations that I was being insecure, paranoid, controlling, etc etc etc. A lot of Truth Trickle.

I kind of wish I had gotten conclusive proof before springing the trap. Keylogger would have been a good idea. Basically the lies and denial hurt the worst for me. Having conclusive proof would have helped there.

Once I had a chat log where she asked OM to take her to dinner Saturday at midnight and discovered she didn't return the next morning I decided that I had enough and planned my escape. Of course when we talked later after I moved out she still denied that anything happened. Yeah right. Oh, and spending all night in some other mans apartment while you think your husband is out of town is perfectly acceptable behavior for a married woman? According to her, yes. The mind boggles.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what Chopping is doing here. I mean what deep dark secret is he hiding from his (allegedly?) wayward wife? The fact that he knows she is cheating? I see zero moral quandary with that.

[This message edited by SpaceMountain at 3:40 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]

I don't think we're saying it's morally wrong what he's doing. I also think it's better to wait and gather evidence. But after two months? That's two more months he lived w/o a real and intimate relationship. Also the R clock doesn't start after everything is out there. I just think that life is short and the clock is ticking.

Well, I think the shit is about to hit the fan.

She's been particularly short with me the past few days, even in front of my Dad (OK, that is who's visiting). I've been bending over backward for her lately to accommodate her since she's dealing with the stress of work, an in-law in the house, and her desire to be at the "festival", among other things. Tonight, it came to a head after a parenting disagreement (she sets no boundaries for DD, and I pointed it out). This grew into a pretty tense discussion about our relationship. She complained that I'm not supportive to her job and my duties when we travel together on her business trips (which is completely bogus...guess who's doing all the childcare when she's out mingling at dinners over wine with OM).

Well, this got me pretty angered, and I said that she respects her coworkers far more than she does me. Then, I let it slip. After holding my breath for so long, I finally couldn't keep quiet. I said that I think there are some things that you should tell me, and if you have any respect for this marriage, I need to hear about it. Her jaw was basically on the floor. She was speechless. She of course wanted me to give her details, and that there must be something I misinterpreted. I told her that I'm not misinterpreting, it's her conscience and when she has something to tell me, I'm ready. I left the room and she didn't say a word (which I think is telling). She went to sleep, apparently.

I really didn't want this to happen with other family in the house. Everyone else was asleep during the conversation, but I'd much rather deal with this after Dad leaves (another week, sigh).

Not exactly what I had in mind for (a sort-of) confrontation. And she might have bought herself a week to come up with a plausible story. I'm such an idiot.

Anyway, I'm not giving her any details. She can figure it out for now. She obviously has no idea what information I have. I suppose OM will be getting a call in the morning, from the safety of her office.

I just want to scream.

CO, it may seem circumstantial, but the going to sleep is a tell in my book. Most innocent people after a statement like that would have an adrenaline surge, and some anxiety that keeps them up wondering. Having the opportunity to stop all the effort to hide things is a bit of a relief, and thinking about the consequences of what she knows she has done can lead to depression, which also promotes sleep.

Hang in there.

I agree about the adrenaline surge however I could see a guilty party having that as well. Wanting to know how much you know. Just like everything else in your thread, you can get an opposite read almost every time! Keep snooping my man.

CO ~ I told my H I had uncovered a great deal of proof that something was going on. I was bluffing, I had very little proof but a whole lot of gut instinct. I told him he could come clean -- or I was taking my proof to a lawyer.

He refused to tell me at first and asked for my sources. I stood firm and kept saying, "you tell me". After a few minutes of back and forth, he folded like a cheap suit. He didn't tell me everything that night, but he told me enough to know that I had been betrayed.

It was a gamble, but it worked for me. I outsmarted a trial attorney, CO. And he's a good one. So, don't feel you have to have every duck in a row, what you have is more than what I had. Good luck, friend. It's time you got some answers.

someone in college was sniffing out her WBF who had kissed me at a party the week before...when she confronted him with "i know something and you better tell me" - he threw out the incident with me. she didn't have a clue he'd kissed me, she'd busted him about someone else. so...let her wonder. don't admit what you know, ever. if she feeds you a line of crap in a week, start packing. when she swears there's nothing to tell, just keep looking at her knowingly and pathetically, saying, "oh come on...really? that's your story? nevermind. i know you're lying and i have proof enough to know it's time to go."

it's 180 of knowledge, so to speak...your poker hand. let her squirm and wonder.

I also bluffed and got a confession. It was just TT and the tip of the iceberg (yes he had sex with someone else a few times when actually it was a 4 year thing) but all I had were a few texts that didn't make sense.

If you do bluff, here's a tip--

In answer to "I know you were with OM on that trip," the innocent says something really general and emphatic like "OMG I wasn't with anyone on any trip!" while the guilty tends to get specific and also repeat your question--"Was I with OM on that trip? No, I was not with OM on that trip." This is from a book on law enforcement interrogation techniques. They are also likely to ask you what you know, or tell you that you have no proof.

[This message edited by marzipan at 11:18 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

Well, make sure that your VAR as fresh batteries in it, because you'll need it! She's going to investigate you now! She is extremely good and hiding things from you; she's going to want to know where she went wrong. She's going to want to know EXACTLY what you know and how you know.

[This message edited by crossbar at 11:25 AM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

And she might have bought herself a week to come up with a plausible story. I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

But she may be.

Anyhow, continue to keep 'enigmatic'. If pressed, ask her to look deep insider herself and she will find the source of her 'stress'. (whatever it is, it's internal)

CO,

I just want to keep echoing what you are hearing from others. Bluffing works!

When I confronted my ex, I had hired a PI and I had evidence but I surely didn't have everything. When he tried to deny I just kept saying things like

"I will not entertain listening to your denials. I have MOUNTAINS OF INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE." That terminology freaked him out. The truth was that I had "some" indisputable evidence but he didn't know the difference. I never told him what I had until he got the file post divorce. I am sure he was disappointed.

bluff, stay very calm and matter of fact, do NOT give up what you have, let her sweat it out even if it is days, insist you have it and you will take it public if she doesn't confess and she will be in a world of hurt, make it business like.... it works!!!!!

[This message edited by Spirit13 at 1:32 PM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

As for bluffing, there is always "I have been given irrefutable evidence by a friend of our marriage." That may throw her off the track of your sources...

Use your best poker face, stick to your guns (no matter how long or what it takes), and 180 until you get the whole story. Don’t take bullsh!t as an answer. If she divulges any information, tell her that you know there’s more. There usually always is. This will take as much patience as you have been exhibiting over the past few months.

This past week I finally confronted my H of his most recent lies. I told him I knew about his lunch with his “friend” and that I wanted to know why he lied if she was just a “friend” as well as details. It amazed me how far he went with his false story. I kept repeating over and over that I knew, that there was no denying, and he was digging his own grave with every lie. His main thing was trying to find out how I knew so that he could give me just enough of the truth. I ended up telling him that I saw him with my own eyes in an effort not to reveal my sources. He eventually folded after realizing he was getting nowhere with me. In the middle of the argument, I got up and left for a few hours (went to a restaurant). While I was gone, he checked the bank statements, my email accounts, phone records, everything. So, expect her to start watching you now. This could very well work to your favor (of knowing).

You might as well be more specific. Tell her you know she's having an affair and you want her to admit it.

The other posters are right. Never give up your sources.

Things are still sort of ongoing, so I'll be brief.

Last night after our interaction, I came to bed and she was still awake. She brought it up again, saying there was nothing to discuss. I told her I knew she was lying. I gave her the silent treatment and just waited. I didn't offer anything else.

Next thing, she's confessing.

She says that she made a "big mistake", that she was depressed and OM came on to her through emails, and that she responded in kind. She says it lasted a few weeks (email only) and that she realized her mistake and ended it. She says he's only a good friend and work colleague now. She denies any physical contact. She opened her Blackberry at my insistence, there being 3 email interactions in the past couple of weeks, mostly him thanking her for several gifts she'd sent him (wine, flowers, a book). I was pissed.

I left the room, slept elsewhere. She woke me when she was getting ready for work, and I moved back to our bed. I find her cell still at the bedside. Hmm..lets access it. Password changed. OK, lets try to log in 10 times (this wipes a blackberry clean)...my God that was the best feeling I've had in a LONG TIME. Emails, contacts, SMS, phone records, all wiped.

She had to leave for work, so the rest of the interaction has been over the phone. I've never heard her say "sorry" so much in 18 years. I think she truly is remorseful. I gave her a list of demands (no contact w/letter and CC to OM's wife, full disclosure, STD testing, MCS, access to all her accounts and passwords, etc). She agreed to all except the CC to his wife. I said fine.

Hung up the phone and called Mr. Idiot VP at his home where he's recuping from surgery. Introduced myself and asked him if he was healing up nicely. After he said yes, I said "Good, because I'd really like kick your ass for ruining my family. I've seen all the emails, homewrecker, and your wife will soon, too. Go to hell."

She's been in tears much of the day, calling constantly. Definitely in a fog. I'm just numb...all my anguish has been spent in the past few months. Definitely the worst day of my life.

OM emailed her, feigning obliviousness. She's wording her NC letter and wants to quit her job (if she doesn't lose it first).

Things are going downhill fast.

I don't know if I have all the truth or not.

[This message edited by ChoppingOnions at 5:00 PM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

I'm so grateful things are moving along in your situation. Although it's painful, it's good to be able to move forward. Sending you my best. And lots of hugs.

[This message edited by girlfromipanema at 5:02 PM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

Great job, CO. You have been incredible.

I am so sorry that you are hurting.

Dude, I'm so sorry. Even though you were 99% sure, once you get confirmation... it changes everything...

At least you know something was going on. I would definitely assume that there was more to it than just emails.