SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((((CO))))

OMFG!!!!!

OK, so you KNOW she's planning to gaslight you. Translation: she's NOT serious about stopping the A, about R, she only cares about herself and going underground until she has made enough of a show for things to go back to 'normal'.

and

I am so sorry that she DOESN'T GET IT.

Lawyer up dude. Start interviewing shark lawyers, go in for consults with as many as possible, so that SHE isn't able to use them. Even if you end up not filing this will give you an extra layer of protection.

Please let her know that you are not going to be in a marriage with 3 (or more!!!) people. 180 and get your ducks in a row - start squirreling away money, step up that job search.

Maybe she will snap out of it, maybe not, you don't know. Here's what you DO know: she is lying to you, she is CONTINUING to betray you. She thinks she's getting away with something. Show her that she has LOST YOU. She gets ONE chance to win you back. She IMMEDIATELY gives COMPLETE transparency (including at work), goes NC with ALL OM, polygraph, and anything else you want to throw in there. She screws up, she's out.

I know that none of this is easy, and that this is not what you want. You have to be strong, because if you teach her that she can get away with this crap and walk all over you, that's what she'll do. Don't settle, you are worth SO MUCH MORE.

((((CO))))

ChoppingOnions... Too me, this sounds like enough. You know in your heart it's confirmed. Why not just end all this now. The words "He's monitoring me" is enough.

You don't need to tell her anything you know as proof. Just say. "I know." That is enough.

I gave my W a chance to come clean. This is what I said and it worked.

Be fair to me, everyone deserves to be happy in this world. If you are not happy with our marriage, just have the courage to say you want to end it. It is unfair to me you enjoy romance, and I don’t. I am not going to accept having my security abused. Life always brings mistakes in marriage. I know with 100% certainty you have another relationship. If you tell me all, all the men over the years, when it started, why you did it, then maybe I have it within myself to forgive and we both can somehow start over again. This is your chance to clear your conscience with me. If you want to continue to hide it right now, I am ok with that, but my decision is to divorce you and I will stop loving you.

You must dig deep and have the courage to end this marriage if needed.

You know, it’s OK to cry. You just feel what you feel right now. Know this, you will be ok with some time and you can be happy again.

As I have said before, her telling you the truth will be like trying to tell someone on their death bed, just die.

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:13 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

Chopping, wow I didn't suspect OM2 either and I've seen alot on these boards.

You are going through absolute HELL right now and just know you do not have to make any decisions to R or D right now.

Give yourself some time to process the shock you are going through right now.

Maybe peace be with you in the coming days. I'm so very sorry.

ETA now that you know of 2 OMs I would say its 99% likely she has slept with them both, possibly more. i wouldn't buy the "just emails" story.

[This message edited by Kamkim at 7:41 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

Well crap - didn't see that one coming! I think we all missed the forest due to that big tree! It worries me that her MSG to #2 was don't contact me "for a while," instead of "I've really messed up & I can't see or talk to you anymore."

I agree with the others in that a poly, or the moving towards a poly, may be the only way to get to the truth. I hope at some point soon you see the crying, snot-dripping, pleading with you not to leave version of your WW, because nothing yet sounds like she's horrified at herself or remorseful. I'm so very sorry - sending you prayers & hugs...

Exactly, time is on your side. But definitely get the best lawyer possible. No place to save money there. Get a lawyer and move as much money as possible!!!

(((CO)))

You must be made of titanium.

When I discovered my wife's letters I only lasted 30 minutes before the confrontation.

Good luck!

[This message edited by earthling at 8:00 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

i'd be walking around the house, moving her stuff out of your marital bedroom, not looking at her, shaking my head and saying with rolling eyes and a very knowing glare, "really? that's it? and you are sticking with that story? oh-kaaay."

Crocodile tears and an overweening cocksureness (no pun intended - ) and complacency seem to be emerging here.

Sounds like she is 'watching' herself, her actions and reactions as if performing in a film, ultimately quite a dangerous disconnect from herself. But she doesn't realise that yet.

I would send a brief email and ask her not come home for a couple of days to give you some space on your own. (Even if it's impossible because of your Dad's visit, at least the email will give her a portent of things to come.)

CO I just want to say I'm sorry you are right in the middle of this mess.

You sound like an amazing husband and father and your w needs to recognize that asap.

Big hugs. Just remember you are a part of a large group of people who have been exactly where you are now. We will help you through.

Oh Chopper, I am so very sorry. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care.

CO,

I am so sorry for you. I have been reading your threads and just want you to know that there are people here that care.

I have to admit my jaw dropped when I read about OM #2.

She needs to get her head out of her a$$, and quick!!

Hugs to you.

CO,

I know it sucks that your father is there, but you are beyond that now.

I'm with Deadmumwalking and trynhard--(1) it is absolutely time for you to get lawyer consultations, and (2) you have enough information.

Do you have enough information to find out everything? Probably not.

Does that even matter now? No, it doesn't.

Whether it is 1, 2, or 50 OM---she went outside the marriage. You know it. The rest are details. If you want to interrogate to get details, that is fine, but the fact is you need to decide if you even want to stay in this marriage.

And if you do want to try to make this work---your word is the law right now. You have to rule with an iron fist---no compromise.

Tell her flat out when it comes to trying to save the marriage--"you are in or you are out...there are NO OTHER ALTERNATIVES."

And mean it. If you ever had to put on your big boy pants--this is the time. You have been stellar in keeping this to yourself for the last months, but it is time to erupt from within. The amount of disrespect that you have endured leaves no option but to be as hardline with her as you can.

Don't reveal sources, but tell her you know of more than 1 OM, and if she even wants a chance at R, then she better come clean--because if anything else is discovered down the road, the damage may very well be irrepairable.

Call her out on a polygraph. There is nothing off limits right now. She has released the beast from inside you---and there is no way of putting him back.

You are going to get through this friend--but my advice would be to channel some anger into action.

There is a fantastic signature line from a member FatherFirst on SI, and it goes something like "Never tolerate or make excuses for a cheater, a user, a liar, or a betrayer".

Remember that when putting your foot down with your WW.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 9:00 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

OH... and don't forget. She isn't saying "Don't contact me for a while." She is saying don't contact me via cell, SMS or email for a while. Work phone was ok - which means she is still maintaining contact with him.

She is WAY too sure of herself and sneaky.

CO - VAR in her purse???? YOU FRICKIN ROCK!!!!

[This message edited by Spirit13 at 8:54 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

CO,

This may be going against the 'Norm' for the SI club.

But you might think seriously about talking to your dad.

Who better to confide in, offer you advice, and be a shoulder for you to lean on?? Who better to have your best interests in mind?

With age, comes wisdom. Remember, seniors are always smarter than they lead you to believe, wiser than they let on, and garner a wealth of vision and strength. In other words, they didn't live so long by being stupid! They learned many things along the way!

The others are correct. Demand a Poly!! Otherwise, you will be like me - sitting here nearly 4-years later scratching your head, playing pocket pool, and wondering if you EVER got the truth!

Good Luck,

Still

[This message edited by stillnpain at 9:10 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

Let me begin with, CO, you are my IT fucking hero. VAR in purse. Add that to the other things and...wow. You ROCK.

Now, I am so so sad that you have had to be so sneaky and smart. But I am glad you are. "Don't SMS me..." Wow. Not, "It's over, we were wrong, we can't do this..."

I knew your wife was especially sneaky and smart. I believe she's a master manipulator too.

Buckle your seat belt, you're in for a bumpy ride. I say ask Dad to watch the kid tonight. Have the locks changed. Pack a bag of her shit, and ask her to meet you somewhere tonight so you can "talk". Hand her the bag of shit and say, ADIOS.

Do you know who OM#2 is?

Dude, 2 years after my initial D-day I found out there were many OMs.... Not just the asshole who I thought was the only one. Be prepared for a hell of alot more info. Most of it bad. Ive been S/D for many years now and my XWW still is a serial OW. They dont learn. I think you need to have an exit plan in place and get out of your obvious bullshit marriage. She is not only a cheater. But a serial one at that. I dont see much hope for you. cut your loses and hit the road to healing and redemption. Good luck my friend.

Your WW racked her brain trying to figure out how you know, she came up with emails, and that's about all she feels she has to confess to. At this point, there's probably still so much more that you don't know. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Continue to remain strong, CO, this is when it gets the hardest. You want and deserve the truth and right now, she will do just about anything to hide it. She's definitely still in the fog.

Know that you have a LOT of support here. Listen to the other posters here and see a lawyer so that you know your options. Stay strong and firm.

PS - How the heck did you hide a VAR in her purse without being found?! I wish I could sew one into my WH's shoes at times... Wow.

You did mention that your WW was working on a NC letter. She should be showing it to you before it is sent, at that point ask how many she needs to be sending. Do not let out your source but tell her you know there is more than one that needs sent.

I think based on her message she is definitely thinking you hacked her blackberry. SMS, email and cell..... that's what she is going by. Right now she is also thinking you only know about the one OM and so far she is "lucky" you didn't see messages from OM#2 - so she is just trying to keep him on the downlow thinking she will get away with it. She fed you a bullshit story about OM1 and feels like she got you to believe it was emails only, no sex, so she is probably feeling pretty good right now. All things considered.

You need to insist on a polygraph and kick her butt out. Tell her you know there is more than one and leave it at that. She will balk at the poly. She might agree at first, but I will bet she eventually doesn't agree. She is still thinking she can outsmart you. Oh, you SO need to kick her out just on the basis that she is still lying.

GOOD FOR YOU ((((CO)))).

I know you say you are surprised by the info of the VAR, but you knew in your heart 'cause you put it in there.

You are my hero and I bet your kiddo feels the same way!

You go and stay strong- she is an IDIOT!

Gracee