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Blizzcon, requires IID to pick them up. Is she going to ask you to go I’d yourself so she can get the money.? The year I went it did.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 2:07 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

Not sure. Normally you sell your ticket and you change the name to whoever you sold to. I will probably go since I have a ticket too. But since she's trying to sell hers, I don't think she'll be going. I mean she lives 2000 miles away now.

Ok, I get gaming but what is streaming? Does she interact with the dudes online for money? Like sexting to strangers?

Streaming is basically you have your own channel and people watch you play games. They can see your game view and there is also a webcam so they can see what you look like. It's a huge industry, people can subscribe to you and you get paid monthly if you make over $100/month I believe.

People can talk in your channel, you can interact with them and it becomes sort of a community in a sense. Go check out twitch.tv and you'll see how popular it is. It's a huge source of ego and attention kibbles as streamers will get donations and compliments, etc.

Just look up "twitch thot" or "booby streamer", it'll give you a good survey of the issue.

Thirst has always been an industry, but I don't think it's ever been done so efficiently on a "non-porn" site. Twitch is humanities next stage of thirst harvesting.

I feel for you. I have been there. If there are no kids involved the answer is easy. But this decision is only your decision. U will never forget but you can forgive as long as she is willing to work at it. You will have Ave to work to. If only one party is willing to work then your decision gas been made. You have one life. You deserve to be e happy. Think pray then decide. I know she was the only one for you but maybe not anymore.

Skadu

That is a perfect evaluation of the industry.

I posted earlier that human behavior is predictable. It really is, and even more so when people feel insulted or threatened or rejected. All things I guess you are probably feeling right now.

I want to make some suggestions:

You don’t have to hate her.

You can’t win divorce. There isn’t a score, and nobody gets a trophy at the end.

I have an attorney friend that once told me that as a competent divorce-attorney he can right away calculate a likely settlement irrespective of how confrontational or aggressive the divorcing couple are. He told me that demands like full custody, all the assets, exuberant spousal support, all the cutlery and both the cats… normally all they do is add legal cost and prolong the process. He told me the difference from his original estimate to the final settlement is usually within 5%.

That corroborates with a 60 Minute segment about the cost of divorce some years ago. An attorney told how a coupe had run up legal bills in the thousands to argue over an old, 300 bucks lawn-mower. Apparently, it had “sentimental value” for both… The legal costs would have allowed both parties to have gotten several new mowers.

Falc – right now the BEST advice I can offer you is to detach and turn this into a non-personal, non-confrontational but firm business transaction. I’m not telling you to lean over backwards or to be accommodating on all requests, but I am strongly suggesting you don’t be combative simply to be combative.

Take control. Not by talking to her, but by getting to your attorney ASAP and organizing a fair divorce. If you are in control you can manipulate slightly to your advantage. For example: Since I guess you plan on keeping the home you can present a realistic market-price in the lower-end, thereby minimizing a possible gap between mortgage and market-value. Just for argument’s sake: Let’s say the house real market value is 100 and the loan stands at 80 = 20 in assets and she is entitled to 10 in the total debt/asset ratios. If you could convincingly (as in an outside relator might agree with your logic) that due to the leaking roof, broken gutters and need to fix the driveway the REAL market-value is 90 then you have just saved yourself 90 – 80 = 10 / 2 = 5.

You can offer her car at full KBB value rather than depreciated private-sale, lowered because the tires are bald, and the doors dented.

Get it? You can massage numbers slightly SLIGHTLY in your favor.

But be realistic and be fair.

By being the initiator, you gain this control. You can offer, rather than negotiate what is offered. You can start whatever argument (and despite all attempts of being cordial divorce will always be an argument) from YOUR grounds rather than whatever she, her dad or her attorney offer.

That ticket? A non-issue. To me her asking what she can do to that ticket is the same as you ask if you can finish her half of the yoghurt that was in the fridge the day she left.

Focus on detachment and finalizing the divorce.

Honestly Falc – that is what will most likely get you what you need (emotional freedom from her) AND is possibly your best shot at getting what you (still) want (a chance to reconcile). I’m 100% certain you can get the former, but really doubt the second will ever take place.

I agree with what Bigger says but want to add that a fair divorce doesn't mean giving her everything. You have made a few statements where you worry about what she will think of you if you don't "help" her out more. All she cares about right now is $$. You also lean toward being a KISA (Knight In Shining Armor) because you care and want to be seen as a good person, and don't want to enforce the "controlling, mean" narrative she has written about you and the marriage.

The truth is not "helping her out" either financially, or with the day-to-day stuff you did that she took for granted will open her eyes more to what you did in the marriage than if you continued to do those things. For example if you always care of taxes and this year you just did you own she would need to scramble to figure things out. If you were to fill out forms for both of you it wouldn't register with her because it's what you've always done. (Not a great example because if it would be better to file jointly then ... that's the way to go regardless.)

Again I'm not saying to fight in the Divorce I'm saying don't be a KISA because you think it will make her see the marriage differently.

I am just not ready to file yet. I get that if I file, I can control the offerings. I just am not ready yet. I don't plan on being combative or anything of the sort. I told my lawyer that when I decide to file, I want a fair settlement. Which might even mean giving her some sort of payout as well as the car given that she can refinance and get my name off it.

The main goal for me right now is detaching and getting healthy. Yesterday was a hard fucking day, I couldn't stop thinking about her and the marriage. I went to a therapy session, went to the gym, grilled myself a nice steak, handed out candy to kids. I just couldn't stop the thoughts. Waking up today was also hard but I am trying my best to put my feet forward. I am re-decorating the house and making it mine. I am taking all her shit and putting it into bags and stuffing it in the garage where I can't see it. I moved my office into the computer room and now I can make the extra room a guest room. Slowly, this house is becoming my home rather than ours, but it still feels fucking lonely and empty.

I get that you don’t want to file. Consider this, it’s possible that the only thing keeping your wife from filing is money. Once she has enough money I bet she runs to file as fast as she can. You will have no idea when this will happen. Once she does you will no longer be able to be in the driver seat. She will be less than fair and you will not have any leverage. I would file now and see where it goes.

I also agree what the seems to be some KISA tendencies. Remember, you can’t fix her. It also isn’t your responsibility to help her get set up in her new life. If she doesn’t know how to figure things out such as knowing what a car is worth , how to pay bills, whatever, it’s not up to you to teach her or point her in the right direction.

You file because it may knock her down a peg or two

You file to let her know that cheating isn't tolerable

You file to maybe shock some sense into her

I understand you are hoping that she sees the light and comes running back

Codependency is eating you alive

Get help for it

She's cheating, blaming you for it, and you are pining for her to come back.

Love yourself a little more than that

Yeah, that's one of the issues I see happening. I mean she can do it on LegalZoom for 50 bucks. I don't know, she's extremely conflict avoidant so it makes sense to me that she's waiting for me to file. But again, I thought I knew this person and clearly I have no clue who she is.

I am definitely not going to give her advice or help her in any way. One thing that will help me is that if I can wait until the end of the year to file, I can file my taxes as an abandoned spouse which will be more beneficial than filing jointly. The included advantage to that is that we won't have to do her taxes for her. Who knows, in a couple weeks my mind could change. Right now I am focusing on myself, getting through the stages of grief, and getting healthier.

EDIT - Gutpunch, I am in IC for codependency. It doesn't just magically go away, it'll take some time.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:33 AM, November 1st (Thursday)]

Gently, what will you do if she gets financial aid from her parents, friends or the gaggle of gamer guys watching her twitch?

You indicate multiple times that she's conflict avoidant but every time you talk to her she gets angry about the monster you are. I'm not certain you know the woman you're dealing with anymore

Please, protect yourself. Take the emotion out and pull the trigger on filing. Filing isn't final but it will protect you and it will give you leverage you won't have should she file first.

Good luck

Filing as “abandoned “ is not a matter of checking a box. Mainly, you have to be unable to locate spouse with due diligence.

You can try, but if you’re caught, you must prove it. It’s different than your wife leaving you.

Your codependency is the biggest speed bump. You’re coming up with all sorts of reasons for not filing. That’s fine, it is your journey. I’m not sure how much more people can offer you. You have all the advice you need.

I understand. It gives me something to seriously think about. Some people have said don't file until you're ready, some people say to file immediately. Ultimately, both ways probably won't bring my wife back. It is my journey, and I appreciate the advice given to me. I sense some frustration and I understand why, it's like I am not listening. I am listening. Some days I want to file, some days I want to wait. Am I ready to completely give up? I don't know. It could be my codependency talking. If she files, I can still negotiate can I not? She will want a clean break and we don't own much. We can't sell the house for a profit right now, so she'd end up owing money if we sold the house. The biggest thing is she will probably want the car, which is fine with me I guess.

I don't see this turning into some huge catastrophe simply because she can't afford it. Nor can her family. Maybe I am completely wrong here, but she's focusing on working/gaming/streaming and escaping from reality right now. She will want the break to be as clean as possible because she just doesn't want to face it.

Just wanted to add... good job on getting out and doing things.

When you’re ready start joining new groups, take fun classes, or activities. Widen your circle of friends. There are thousands of great people out there who’d love to meet you. Not just in a romantic way but just for friendship.

Some day down the road you’ll be glad you started branching out. (Again, when you’re ready).

But what about alimony? Just because she has a job doesn’t mean you won’t pay at least short term. Plus any 401k or pension is considered an asset. You are in a position to offer a fair settlement. If she files , she will set the things she wants reasonable or not and you will be in the position of trying to argue for something that resembles fair. Waiting until tax time to file is just not wise. There is nothing to be gained from it.

Oh I didn’t mean to sound frustrated, I think everyone is just trying to come up with new ways to give the same advice to you.

You are obviously not ready to hear certain things. I think the info and support is here, just go back and re-read everything.

When you’re ready, it’s all there.

Why don’t you send 1/2 of what you paid into the car? That way she can go out and pick a car that she can afford working at a sandwich shop, taking in the whole $100 a month streaming and whatever else? I would also send separation or divorce papers so she won’t have any claims going forward.

It seems she has cold feet? Maybe next time she will act on it before she gets married? Fantasy turn into reality sooner or later. Hers will be over shortly or is and that is why she is mad at you. Don’t be her father that she is rebelling against.