SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm new to this site, and too confused to think straight. Dday was 5 July, the OC is 17 months and trying to figure out how this can still work. My daughters don't know yet but my in laws do. I still love him and want to figure this out. The OW was a friend that we helped through her hard times - a thank you note would have been better than this. Still I am looking for hope that someone elese has made it through this.

Bee,

You hit the nail on the head...he's compartmentalizing! Why didn't I think of that before? Yes, bitterness is there along w/ financial worry, resentment, etc. I'm trying hard but it certainly is an uphill battle, isn't it? I don't know how I'd react if there were an 18 year time warp. I'd probably sit back and question every time he said no, we can't afford it, etc. and drive myself crazy...but that's me. I'm heartened to see you and your H doing so well all things considered. You give me hope the me and my H can and will survive this mess.

Hugs and Happy Sunday,

BW

This is my first time posting on this site. I have been blessed to find this forum because I fit into this category. My husband had a 3 year affair with coworker 20 years younger, disclosed to me when she was 5 months pregnant. The child is now 7 months,he has had NC, CS is still being figured out thru the courts. We have stayed together, been IC, Retrouvaille, and one called Hope and Healing which is with other couples trying to survive infidelity. I have been doing this for 11 months and am at the end of my rope. I am starting to feel that I would be better off by myself. I don't know how to get past the hoplessness, bitterness, anger, resentment, etc.

Hi Overdone, sorry you're here. We are close in our "dates"--my OC is 5 months old, d-day was July of '05, H had a LTA with a woman 15 years younger. And I still struggle as well with resentment, anger, sadness, and hopelessness. They call it the roller coaster and I thought it'd be easing up a bit by now.

It's late but wanted to say hello and welcome and you're not alone, not by a long shot.

((((hugs))))

hop2makit: hi hugs to you.i feel your pain in a way in which neither i nor you had to.i have not made it through and i'm kinda like you i want it to work wishing it'll work but scared as hell it's not going to.if only i could get rid of this love feeling i would be in a much better place.at the end of the day i think that it all depends on him.he has to put your marriage first.let it be known to ow and whoever else needs to know.my wh goes to the extreme but in our case ithink it's necessary.we're still waiting on dna b/c ow has a questionable past involing mm fathering her children.she had 3 now 4 but who in their right mind lets a mm have unprotected sex with them when you know you can get pg again?unless that's exactly what she wanted him for, a daddy to her brats.she was still involved with someone at the same time as my h so i think he got suckered cause the other dude bailed.yes my wh is a dope but through the whole thing he mantained it wasn't about love it was about what he could receive from her and whatever she was willing to give.he thought he was playing her but she was doing the same thing.i'll be damned if i'll throw our ten yrs together over her dangerous game.

Hop2,

Yes you can make it~

It's been almost 6 years for us.

We have n/c

Get into counseling asap. Pray.

I don't have much time but ow was a former friend also. double whammy!

God bless.

Will come around more often ladies, need time!!!!

It's started. H met w/ lawyer yesterday and brought home the paternity petition. Fairly straight forward and didn't provide much info other than OW's SSN and full address along w/ birth date and name of child. It was a boy which we knew it would be. Stupid name however...

Anyway, court is next week to answer the summons. We will request DNA testing b/c we cannot say for sure the child is H's. I am praying it's not but operating under the assumption it is. However, the birthdate is 3 weeks after what I estimated it to be based on when she told H she got pregnant. Dates don't match up. What doc lets a first time mom go 3 weeks past her due date? Anyway, a small glimmer of hope in a dark world, right?

Take care everyone.

BW

My husband told me an interesting story about a guy he plays poker with: many years ago (30+) he was married and they had a son. After a few years (at least two) friend found out child was not his. Friend left and never spoke to either mother or child again.

This is a kind of a twist on OC. I felt sorry for the friend that he lost the child (he never had any of his own). And sorry for the child that he lost the man he saw as his daddy.

But I've heard similar stories with the ending different: the guy decides to leave the woman behind, but not the kid.

Everyone here in this forum is in a situation where they are a BW whose WH has created an OC with OW.

Anyone have any insights into a situation where BS is the husband, and "their" child turns out not to be his? Why is this so uncommon, at least here, do you think?

Move this thread elsewhere if you prefer, thanks.

hi betrayedwife, so does your lawyer know if your husband will still be responsible financially before paternity was established?i mean in the courts eyes when does fatherhood begin?i'm still not sure if my husband will have to pay for back child support since she still hasn't filed.there has been no dna test,so i just don't know.the child is almost a year old.i know he shouldn't have to pay for medical expenses since they are both in the military.

grll247,

Every state is different but here in NY this is how it works...

1. OW gets pregnant and has child. She cannot by law name my H as the father on the birth certificate unless...

a. He admits in writing he fathered the OC, or

b. Paternity is proven via a DNA/blood test.

2. OW must take the first step and sue H for paternity.

3. H is served w/ paternity petition and a court summons. Failure to appear is the same as admitting paternity and the court will automatically order CS. It's better to appear otherwise you could end up paying CS for a OC that may not biologically belong to your H.

4. At first court appearance the judge asks if H is father. Reply is "I don't know" and atty for H asks judge to order DNA testing.

5. DNA test is ordered and takes about 6 weeks to come back. Meanwhile, judge orders another court appearance 8-10 weeks out (to give time for DNA testing).

6. If H admits paternity at that point, judge can order CS. If not, then we go to court to disprove DNA test, i.e. argue that the OW is a slut, etc. etc. You get the picture.

7. Meanwhile (according to our attorney) the OW has nothing to lose so you have to drive her to the bargaining table by taking away something she doesn't want to lose...you file for full custody of the kid. You also file immediately for visitation. OW think they can walk all over H and us and just sit back and collect a CS check each month. Wrong!

8. Chances are it will never get to a trial on full custody b/c if OW is smart (and many are NOT), they will concede CS amount in exchange for keeping sole custody of the OC.

9. Worst case scenario is that H gets joint custody, which means for the next 21 years OW will have to answer to H and potentially courts for every decision she makes regarding the OC.

I hope that helps. Much of what I wrote above was gleaned from conversations w/ our family law attorney and things he's told my H.

In our case, our attorney and H think that the OW is trying to break up our relationship by wedging the OC between us. What she's too stupid to realize is that it won't work b/c we are reconciling and fully committed to each other and that in order to get a check each month she's actually going to have to give up some of her paternal rights.

Our attorney said we have a very good chance, if it comes to this, of winning full custody of the child. I'm still trying to decide how I'd feel about that. If she was revoked her paternal rights and I could adopt the child outright, I would be fine with it. I'm not sure if I want her in the picture for the next 21 years although the idea of HER having to pay US CS is priceless.

That's it for now. Anybody have any thoughts on the above?

BW

thank you so much BW.you gave me all the answers i needed and more!!you have armed me with so much info.you made me see that it's not always going to be us conceding to her every whim.our ow wasdoing the same thing trying to use oc to put a wedge in between us.for the childs sake i kinda hope she rescinds her parental rights cause she is a sorry excuse for a mother.how the hell could you willingly bring a child into a volatile situation like this unless you are twisted.oh well again thanks so much.the other thing that might screw us over though is he's going to iraq in less than a month what if she chooses to file when he's not here.i have power of attorney can i show up on his behalf with our lawyer and a letter from his commander??

BW,

I've been away a few days....

God it's so nice to think I can give someone hope in the midst of all this pain. Thank you for that.

Truth is, I thought I probably could not have stayed in the marrige if I had been experiencing it in "real-time" as opposed to my "time-warp".

But you know, I've even been wondering about that lately. A good deal of *my* bitterness was the eighteen year cover-up and the fact that he denied me that choice of whether I wanted to stay or go. The actual "A" was never an issue. But as time goes by, I'm wondering if I really *could* have found the strength to stay.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going".

I have always been a strong, take action type of person (so being the victim here has really thrown me). So, I am re-thinking what I might have done all those long years ago.

I know that I love my husband. I know that he is a good man that made a bad choice. I also now understand that THERE WAS NO GOOD OR "RIGHT" TIME TO TELL ME. When is there ever a right time to break your spouses heart?

So, I've likened this experience to being a bit like a shark attack....you just never know how you will/would react unless faced with it. I think I am growing as a person, and becoming, I don't know, ...more spiritual?

Anyway, if you really love your H, as I think you do, then stay the course. God knows it won't be easy. Your thoughts on the possible OC living with you is an interesting one, and well worth considering. I think most of us in here are compassionate human beings paralyzed by hurt and fear. The OW, in many cases, may remain a constant threat to the marriage. However, the OC may not. In fact, along with some of the other self-revelations wrt to myself, I have also concluded that had the OW in my case not been such an arrogant, self-centered, opinionated and belligerant dyke, I may have been able to accept her OC on a limited basis in my life. I *do* have compassion for the child, but possess absolutely none for the controlling and manipulative OW.

Geez, how this whole mess re-structures your very being....

Question:Who am I now?

Answer: I'm still finding out.

You will too. Give it time. This shit separates the "men from the boys". I think you *could* love this child, especially given your desire (and difficulty) for children. If you can effectively eliminate the OW from the picture, either through an actual adoption or a legally drawn up NC letter, (ours just went out yesterday)I really think you can raise this child as your own, loving it as your own. The love of a child reflected in their eyes and yours will superceed the "tragedy" of his/her conception.

Take care BW.

PS- We never lacked for *anything* as a result of the OC. My H is/was a fantastic provider both financially and emotionally. Don't let your mind dwell on that (what you may not have as a result of this financial obligation). Where there's a will there's a way. The finances will work themself out; it's the emotions that take time.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 8:30 AM, July 12th (Wednesday)]

can anyone speak about a successful reconciliation when an OC was involved...i need to find some small glimmer of hope here. its been 4 months since d-day...i know he's trying very hard and he is doing everything he can...but lately i feel as though i'm becoming numb to all of it..numb to him...numb to the will to fight for this anymore.

if i am correct we had someone post in the threads who grew up as an OC and she was going to share her story did she end up sharing? i dont rememeber?

what are the statistics and likelyhood of these situations actually working out at the end? does anyone ever really live happily ever after...and how do you when there is always that constant reminder there? there must be someone out there that wouldn't have betrayed me and hurt me like this right? i don't even know why i'm staying. but it's my own fault...i chased the "bad-boy" and i got what i knew could be possible. he swears he is changed and that we can have the happy life we've always planned...but is that really possible?

what's going to happen? can anyone honestly tell me? i'm lost, hurt, frustrated, angry and confused...

crazed,

I'm emotionally exhausted right now and probably shouldn't even post. But I think

to answer your questions we'd all need a crystal ball. Like child-rearing, there's no manual on how to deal with an OW/OC. It's a learn as you go proposition for most of us.

Follow your heart is the best advice/answer I can give.

Tomorrow, I'll try to locate the posts you referred to. One was in a thread started be MYOC&ME in Wayward, I believe, and written by badhairday as I recall, and another was posted in General several weeks back; I'll try to find it for you.

They were both good posts, but I don't know that they'd give you any further enlightenment.Both gals appear to have survived the "unfortunate" circumstances of their births and gone on to lead productive lives without blame to the parents. Hope I'm re-stating that accurately (and I apologize in advance if my brain is fogged). Like I said, I've had an extremely stressful day and need to hit the hay.

Take care.

Quick update everyone...H is doing everything he promised WRT the OW/OC situation. He sees the atty on Tuesday afternoon and then court is Wednesday a.m. Not sure if I have to go even to just wait in the hallway. Letting the atty make that call. Strategically it may be best for OW and her atty to see we are a united front. Anyway, will know on Tuesday.

We were at dinner w/ a friend last night (who doesn't know the situation) and H said something interesting. Said that hate takes too much energy and that it's much more productive to put that energy into something positive in your life. He was talking to our friend but I got the impression the message was meant for me as well. I do dispise to the nth degree the OW. However, I don't spend my days planning her downfall. That said...if she was fired, kicked out of her apartment, broke, bankrupt and had some nasty disease, I sure as hell WOULD throw a party!

Got a new dog yesterday! He was abandoned and long story short, found by my sister's former neighbor. We took him in. He's a sweet 1 year old lab mix male who's fixed, housebroken and trained! He's very sweet, gives lots of kisses but does not like it when our older dog is interested in his food. Looks like I'll be referreeing for a while! Taking them both to the vet today for checkups.

Going for my more cup of joe. Have a great weekened everyone!

bumping for new member in JFO that has a similar situation

Karie, if you did this for me: THANK YOU!!!

Here's my story and it's long because I need to get it out and have no one else to talk to!

Hi folks. I just found out about the A a week and a half ago but it's all so horrible for me.

H and I had been having some issues and decided to take a break from each other. Not a real separation but time away from each other and our situation. He moved to another state for a contract, and I stayed in our home. While away, he met a woman who offered him "friend with benefits" (I've read her emails, and she admits to knowing he was married and that she merely wanted to offer him some company with no strings). He resisted for a couple of months but this last January gave in. He and I were both very depressed and neither was really available to the other emotionally so this seemed like something he could work with. A "break" from all that was going on with us with no ties.

She told him (and even said to me in a letter) that she could not conceive. He says (and I'm trying hard to believe him, or how else can I hope to ever get back at least some of what we had?) that she told him she had had uterine cancer and had a hysterectomy. Well, imagine his surprise when she said she was pg with his child, and was due in December (which would mean that she was pg within two months of the start of the A). He admits that she had told him she loved him and that he had told her he did NOT love her. Why he didn't run right then and there I can't understand. He claims it was because she had started acting strangely and he was afraid she would go psycho at work (he really needed the job!). Whatever!

Anyway, he told her that because of his love for me and that we would be getting back together, that this could not work. He asked that she have an abortion. She fought him on it, but he claims she agreed to it. She called him on a Friday to say that she woke up bleeding, and went to the doctor and that "things are taken care of. You don't need to worry anymore". She even called a couple weeks later to confirm she had gotten her period and that that was final confirmation that he had gotten what he watned. Then she wished him well, and that she hoped all would work out for us.

I wound up getting pg in May. We were so happy. It would be our first. Well, she was stalking a site that I frequent and found out that I was pg. She went ballistic. Telling him that she was going to come to our house and pay me a visit. Well, we were moving at that time for a fantastic opportunity that fell in our laps and he decided to come clean and let me know all that happened. Specifically, because she was going around saying she was still pregnant. That she had only said she wasn't to "see how he would react". That's when she sent me the letter to let me know how "erotic and tactile a lover" my husband was. And how much they had shared and that she is not a whore and immoral as he would lead me to believe (meanwhile I have found out from other sources that she was sleeping with two other married men at approximately the same time).

Needless to say I am devastated. While I am overjoyed for what I currently have, this woman (and my H, I'm not leaving him out!) have cast such a shadow over this whole thing.

Personally, I think she is lying. Knowing we did not have children yet, and that he wanted one, I think she said she was pregnant in hopes that he would say that he would leave me. When he didn't do that and let her know she was about to lose him, she had this "abortion" so that the relationship would continue(I was originally going to move to the state they were in to join him) , or so I think. When he left the state for the new opportunity, that dashed her hopes and she became bitter and vengeful. That's when she started stalking me, and found the site, and when she sent the letter "just to let me know" what had happened. The details she used in the letter, I am convinced, were supposed to send me into a rage and kick him out (back to her!). But it didn't work out that way. I cried, and raged, but ultimately I married "for better and for worse" and in the presence of God. I couldn't just walk away from that without at least trying to make it right.

And that's when she started telling everyone that she was pg and due in December. I believe that, since she has introduced bleeding already, that she will either claim a miscarriage, or quit her job so that no one ever finds out that she was never pg to begin with.

To me, this is psycho and I fear for myself and my baby (and even for him). But I am also bracing myself in thinking that SHOULD she be telling the truth about being pg, and IF the genetic testing prove paternity for my H, that we will be able to deal with it.

I know that the child has nothing to do with what has happened, but neither H nor I want anything to do with it. We will pay CS, but that's all the contact we intend to have (right now). We have already hired a lawyer to make the arrangements of payment should it come to that.

I'm just so sorry for the child. Here's a woman who would be willing to conceive not because she wanted a child but to trap a man, then to use it as a pawn by saying it's gone, and then going back in vengeance to say she is pg again, to hurt my husband. She doesn't want this baby, she just wants to make my husband pay for their foolishness Shehas told others that she is keeping it a secret from us because she just wants to show up on our doorstep with the child. What kind of freak is she? What kind of mine deals with life this way? The normal response would be to say "Well, I'm pg, I'm not getting rid of it, so brace yourself for CS". Not this sick crap!

I hope no one thinks i'm horrible and digusting for not wanting the child in our lives. But my H really doesn't like this woman (he allowed the A because she wasn't very attractive so he knew there would be no chance of an emotional attachment)and now really detests her for playing a game as she has and for trying to hurt me by "more than informing" me of what went on between them. He says he would not love this child, and what good does it do to force them to have a relationship if it's not going to be a quality one?

Sigh. It's all so confusing and I'm in so much turmoil. I hope I have offended no one. But my anger runs deep adn I'm lashing out right now. THanks so much for listening. And maybe not judging too harshly.

notalone,

You're not being harsh to not want OC in your life especially since you're expecting. (Congrats by the way! We lost a baby at the end of April and were devastated. Now we are waiting for cycle to get back on track and are dealing w/ OW crap...sorry...I digress.)

Honestly, I think you're putting the cart before the horse right now. Is she pregnant? Unknown. If so, is it your H's? Maybe. At least a 33% chance it is. Should you worry now? Absolutely not!

You are expecting a child and you and H are reconciling. He came clean w/ you (which speaks to his character and puts him a notch up in my book) and you are reconciling.

I think, for now, you should put all your time and effort into your own life and happiness and ignore her. Change your email and phone numbers if necessary. Move (I think you were planning to) and have all your mail forward to a PO Box for the short term.

I'm not sure what state you're in, but in most, the OW cannot prove paternity w/o either a written admission, payment of funds or a DNA test.

Concentrate on you and H and forget her until you have some concrete proof she is pregnant. Remember the burden is on her.

BW

notalone,

Do not fear being viewed in a negative light in this thread. We who have walked in your moccasins know your pain and can identify with it.Your emotions are normal for the cards you have been dealt.

Disregard any others who would disapprove of your choice to not have the OC in your life. Do what is best for you and your marriage. The OC is not the only victim here; you are one also.

Take care of yourself.

Take a deep breath,....do it again.

Keep posting.

I JUST LOST A LONG POST.

I am sorry but I will try to sum it up.

iknowiamnotalone,

I just want to make you understand that the person that you are dealing with is a stow=stereotypical other woman and is desperate mainly because she had to go after a mm in the first place. Since he said she is not attractive maybe that is a big factor in why she is using any ploy possible to keep him in contact with her. negative or positive its all attention for a stow.

You should keep in mind there may be no child at all, is it is who cares anyway its not your worry its the ow mainly because gosh only knows who is the real father.

She is a proven liar. So dont dwell on her concentrate on your wanted child and preparing for himher. you will kick yourself later for not putting your energy where it should be especially if there is not a child or its not your H.

Does the ow have children already or is she married?