SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, she found another board where I post for infertility support and has responded to my posts (very sweetly but you know that is not the intent) and has in her profile that she is pregnant with my husband's child (and names him) and that he is married to me (names me) and claims she never knew I existed. What a horrible woman.

But thank you all for being so supportive. I think I'm going to need every ounce of it that you can offer up from here until we get this all settled.

Please print that out for your attorney.

Just in case you need it for a restraining order or to sue her in the future for defamation.

yes she is very horrible and if she doesnt have facts to support her claims a judge would love to throw a book at her. Do you know you can get a restraining order against her based on that?

If she's spreading lies that are defamatory and they are indeed lies (i.e., not true she's pregnant w/ your H's child) that's called libel.

And you can sue her...

Thank you ladies. I have forwarded links and emails to the attorney yesterday. But I live on one side of the country and she lives on the other, so between time differences and court dates, it's always hard to get a quick response. I do have another attorney that may be willing to help me so I'm going to try him as well. First one to offer me help gets the case.

Hi all,

WS and I have been doing ok, and are still trying to R. Last night he says in the next few weeks he wants to make Contact with OW to see if she will let us see him or if she still doesnt want their son around me.

I guess he feels bad about not being in his sons life, but I really dont care anymore. I wuish things had been different but they never will be so why worry about it anymore?

Last night we were talking about someone else we know, and he made a Baby Momma, comment, and I said, "Oh yeah baby mommas are a guaranteed open door forever" to which he responded with, "whatever" like he was offended.

We quickly moved off of the comment and started talking about something else.

Anyone ever feel like, it doesnt matter anymore? Like you shouldnt worry about things you cant control? no matter how much I wish my WS hadnt fathered a child with someone else, it'll never be any different. The fact is: HE DID father a child with someone else, so all my wishing and hoping is for naught.

wounded,

to answer your question yes...at least once a day i feel like it almost doesn't matter anymore. we are 3 months out of d-day...and everything unraveled to me at the same time, knowing he had a ONS and OC. we are in R and things are good...until that is i managage to trigger and then i give him so much grief he threatens to leave. sometimes when things are good i just get this overwhelming sense of sadness and ask myself why this had to happen to me and to my life? then there are days when i think that i may just be better off without all this hurt and heartache and not have to deal with the mistakes of his life and on top of it all this OC.

i know what you're going through my friend and trust me..i'm sure everyone here can attest to the frustrations and the moments of wanting to give it all up...what will happen to any of us...who really knows...take care...keep your head up...we will all get through this together.

Hello everyone. I have read all of the posts from the beginning. BIG (((HUGS))) to everyone here. My mother was the BS and my father had an OC with OW. I have only found out about this recently. If anyone would like to hear my story I will tell it.

You have all given me a lot of insight as to why mom would have kept this from us (there were three of us when OC was born, then mom and dad had two more - yes, five girls - and have been married for over 30 years now). I think I understand my mother a lot better now. We all knew that my dad had cheated (more than once), because kids can tell these things, but we didn't suspect about the OC. We don't know any details, and this was found out accidentally when mom and dad moved and I found some paperwork.

Thank you all for posting and being so honest.

jb--

I have not been on this thread a while because I am trying to live a normal life, not thinking about the OC everyday. But I felt your post is too important to ignore.

Please, please tell us your story! I have two young children of my own, and struggling with when and what to tell them. I fear them knowing now and it rocking their world so hard when they are too young to understand, and waiting until they are old enough but risking that I loose their trust for betraying them. I wish they would never have to know, but realize that is a fantasy.

Your story can help many of us here.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 5:31 PM, July 18th (Tuesday)]

TKM

Ok. Here goes. My parents were married when they were 16 and had my older sister 8 months later. :) I was born 17 months after that, when mom was 18 and then my little sister came when mom was 22. This is when the affair started. This was a LTA. When I was 7, mom was a SAHM, mom took ALL of dad's possessions, tossed them out on the lawn, and refused to let him in the house. We knew that something was going on, and even at that age we knew he was seeing someone else.

Dad was never the best dad, he was abusive, both verbally and physically, but never to my mother. That is a different story. There is a 5 year gap in between sisters, and then mom and dad had two more. Between the third and the last two, dad went through a transformation where he stopped drinking, stopped coming home late. Before, mom used to pile the three of us into a car and go from bar to bar to find my father. There was a lot of yelling. But, after the A, dad really changed. I think of him as two different people.

Fast forward to today. I just had a baby, five months ago. I was on maternity leave and went up to help mom and dad move. I found a letter mom had written to herself, debating whether to stay with dad or not. She talked about the OW being pregnant with a baby. This would have been when I was 7, so OC is, or should be 21 or so now.

I have not told my mom that I have found the letter. I DO NOT want to bring up that pain for her again. I have some questions, but I realize that it was THEIR decision to make, whether to tell us or not, and that they must have had their reasons. I DO NOT think that their M would have worked if OC had been a part of dad's life at all. Period. It WOULD NOT have worked, and then I would be out two sisters, whom I love.

I do not think that I would have understood the decision when I was younger. We knew that affairs were going on, because most kids know. I feel that this had tainted my view of relationships and I am suspicious of my H without reason. He really is the best, nothing like my father. I keep LOOKING for evidence of an A, just because, I have no reason. I wish I were not like this.

I believe that we would have been much worse off had we known about OC all along. As it is, we had NO idea. The change that dad went through was dramatic, and good.

PLEASE do not second guess your decision to have NC with the OC. DO NOT! I do not resent my mother for the decision. I do have some resentment for my father, but that also stems in part from his being a distant father.

My parents were able to work through this VERY difficult time, and have been very happy. Now they are grandparents together and dad has gone through some SERIOUS changes. He used to call us pieces of shit, we would get beat with a belt, etc. I believe that this is because my parents married so young and dad resented having such a responsibility so young.

If you are going through R, have faith! Mom still hurts from OC, we can tell. The OW's name is Alice, and she freaks still whenever she hears that name.

I also do not think I would have been so understanding until I had my baby and was married myself. I do not blame her for not telling us, let me say again. I admire her strength and her ability to make her marriage work despite my fathers numerous A;s. We used to wonder why she never left him, especially when he was a mean asshole. I think at first she didn't leave him because she didn't want OW to win. Mom is good on revenge. Then, they actually did work it out. I don't think my dad ever paid CS to OW/OC, he wouldn't have been able to afford it. I believe OC was adopted by OW's husband (or she was married at the time and he never knew, I am not sure). I do not fault my dad for not being there for OC. He wasn't really there for us, so it was a non-issue.

I think the OW is a dirty slut, having sex with a man with three children. I can't think of many people lower. I have no urge to meet OC. I sometimes wonder if it was a boy, since we are all girls, and what he/she looks like, but I WILL NOT bring it up to my mother because she has already been through too much because of my father.

I think that if the BS wants to bash OW, more power to them. I think the only OW who deserves any sympathy is the one who has been lied to, thinking that MM isn't married. Then again, how is that possible? You know, I feel betrayed myself, but NOT at my mother.

I suggest that you ladies who are not telling their children now, but plan to, wait until they are older, possibly out of college. I think they probably suspect something, even if they are very young. Being older helped me to better understand the situation. Plus, you do not want to teach your children that it is ok for affairs/not taking care of OC. They just won't understand.

Dad's affair(s) have impacted the family for years. They impacted his children's relationships and our faith in him. I used to hate my father, but I don't anymore. I am glad that they kept this from us while we were little. Kids should keep their innocence.

Please ask me any questions you might have. Sorry for the ramble.

(((HUGS)))

jb,

thank you so much for sharing your story...there are days when i wonder what the future holds for the different situations here in this thread and for just a brief second you've been able to give a glimmer of insight into how these situations turn out. i am happy to hear that you're parents were able to successfully reconcile, but as you point out over and over again...the impact and the damage is ever lasting.

as i read your story and as i am here responding...it hurts my heart and moves me to tears...why must the people we love carelessly hurt us so much? the impact of the damage that they've done...its been years...and you mention that just hearing the name of the OW still bugs her...i don't know how long having the OC in my life will affect me. on good days i think i can be a great step mother and be loving and responsible...but yet the pain is unbearable. and its frustrating to know that when push comes to shove...if i dont accept it, then it is clear that i have the choice to leave. b/c he feels like he has no choice when it comes to his obligation to OC (his obligation to atleast do the minimum..ie, see him once a week)...

sometimes i just dont know if i can do this...we dont have children..but what do i tell them one day..how do i make them understand what their father did...will they resent me for having not been stronger? will my daughters grow up putting up with men who don't treat them with respect? and what about my sons? will they grow up thinking its ok to just randomly go around sleeping w/ different women and being so careless b/c their father did?

i wish there was a simple way for all of this to go away, but i know there isn't...and i dont know if he is going to have the patience of if i'm going to have the strength to continue to try at this. either choice sucks...i don't want to live my life without him..but he has hurt us so badly..i dont know to start forgiving him...

thank you so much for your post. i hope others who have been in our situation will feel free and open to share their stories. congrats on being a new mother...best wishes

Hi ladies. Has anyone seen Tornaprt?

I have not seen her on the boards since right after the OC was born. I have lost her phone number that I once had in a PM.

If anyone knows how to contact her, please PM me. Thanks!

CW

P.S. She is not reading PM's either.

I have not posted in a long time but I read here every day. Here is an update to my situation.

My feelings changed once I gave birth. I am no longer willing to accept certain things and feel that my life will be better on my own. H has been living here since February. When he moved in, he supposedly broke up with her even though she was pregnant. I have since found that he was still in communication with her and leading her to believe that they were still together and that he was here for his job.

I choose not to have the OW's dramas take control of my life as they have taken control of H's. She calls him constantly for help to pay her bills and I feel that she is not his responsibility, even though she is pregnant. She has done her best to try to get me to throw him out by telling me that he has Herpes, that they were married, etc. All of this was told to me on the day that I gave birth. She even tried to cause trouble between MIL and I, which upset MIL so much that she wanted to call OW's mother to let her know what OW was doing. But MIL saw on a visit last year that OW's mother is the type of person to allow OW to do anything and not say a word. SIL also wanted to call OW and chew her out for the trouble she's causing.

MIL was here for a visit last week and asked the kids not to hold against her whatever H does. She even told me that she didn't see that H loved OW like that. She felt it was more that he wanted to help her. And H does have a tendency to help people at our expense.

OW expects me to care about what happens to her and her family. Yet, she also wants the opportunity to take away from my family also. H told me yesterday that he thinks that she does care about me and the kids. She cares so much that she has to do everything possible to take get him back. She knows the problems she causes and it doesn't bother her at all.

I can't imagine spending my life with him and having her call all the time for requests for money. If things are bad for her now, they will only get worse when the OC is born. And if H wants to give her money, he will have to do it on his own.

Most of all, I would like to thank jb885 for her post. I saw the ultimate sacrifice that her father made for his family. He didn't allow the situation to touch his primary family. It made me realize that H should be making some sacrifices but he's not able to see that. I would never ask him not to see the OC, but I will not accept a life in which the OW is allowed to continue with her manipulations.

H spent all this time here telling me that he didn't want to be with the OW and that he wanted to stay here. But he couldn't do one simple thing - NC with the OW until the OC is born. Then he had the audacity to complain to the kids that I am throwing him out and to blame me for him not being there for them. No, it's his fault. If he wants to keep allowing the OW to interfere in our family then he has to accept the consequences. She is constantly calling him, texting or e-mailing to get him back.

I'm sorry for him but I know that if I were in her shoes, I would have to bow out if the MM wanted to be with his family. Ultimately, it's his fault for allowing her to cause these problems. If he wants to be her knight in shining armor, he can do so away from this house. Because I don't think any woman would accept the OW's games. And H is the type of person who will not stand up and say what needs to be said. He claims that he doesn't want to be bothered, so then why does he allow her to bother him? He had changed his cell phone number so she wasn't able to contact him. I believe she was still sending texts to his old cell phone and just thought that he was ignoring her. Why doesn't she take the hint?

But you know what? It's not my problem anymore. I have three children to raise and I can't be bothered with her games. We even spoke about relocating to another state, but you know she will still find a way to insinuate herself until she found the next sucker.

I am moving forward with my life now. No more looking back. I am going to give this man a chance that has wanted to date me for a while. It's too bad that H thinks that his way is the best way considering that things haven't been working out for him. But this is his path to travel, not mine. Happiness is right around the corner for me.

Oh, scorpio, I'm so sorry. But good for you for knowing what you need and following your heart. I pray that you achieve your healing.

It's not a decision that I made lightly. With the exception of him communicating with her, we have been getting along very well.

I don't understand why H allows her to try to make him feel guilty for her situation. If she wasn't pregnant, he said he would not even give her the time of day. But I guess she got pregnant so that someone could feel responsible for her. Everytime she needed something, I asked H if she called the other fathers of her children. Because it seems to me she makes excuses for them but not for H and he has a valid excuse - three kids and a wife.

I have no respect for her and what she's been trying to do. H thinks that she cares about what happens to me and the kids and excuses her bad behavior because she's hurt.

It hurt also that he put our family through all of this and didn't even want to stay with her. It was too bad that he didn't see things clearly before she got pregnant. Really, both of them are stupid. H has been all depressed thinking about his life and all the time he has to spend working just to support all of his kids. That's pressure enough. But for OW to keep needing constant help when he doesn't owe her anything. He is only responsible for the OC, who is not even here yet.

I told him many times that if he wanted to be with her that he could leave and I would be fine. But he kept insisting that he didn't want to be with her. He admits that it's a bother for her to call him constantly and try to get him back. But I guess he deals with it because she's pregnant. We have had many discussion about his responsibility and how he would handle her in the future because I know that the manipulation will continue.

I know that for the marriage to work that he has to be committed 100% and has to leave her out of it. Be strong enough to tell her to back off and leave him alone and respect his wishes. I pointed out many times to him that she doesn't care about us because if she did, she would walk away. She knows that she causes problems when she contacts him and that's why she does it.

I figure that it's not my loss, it's hers. Because she now has a man that she knows doesn't want to be with her but is stuck with her. He is stuck financially and can't even afford to pay his share of the rent if he does live with her. She can't work so he will have to resort to illegal deeds in order to support her.

Boy, did she find a sucker in H. But he will be the one to regret things in the future. Whereas, I will be moving away from him and moving on with my life. So let him sweat his life away in hard labor while thinking of me living a rich and rewarding life.

And even if I don't take delight in her misfortunes, I recognize the fact that God always gives you what you give to other people. I don't know why she thought things would go smoothly for her when God knows all the ways she has been trying to break up my family. Does she really think that God smiles down on her actions?

My update:

So, the woman started posting on my infertility support site as I had mentioned. I figured she intended to blow us out of the water by exposing what had happened so I told all the ladies I was close to about it so that if she did come out with it, she wouldn't have the power she thought she had as no one would react as she hoped. I had sent this all as emails and private messages so she wouldn't see it.

Unfortunately a couple of the ladies, feeling very protective of me, decided to post a public thread about "the homewrecker" and that she was "delusional" so that sent her over the edge. So, now she says if I don't post a public apology that she will post an mpg of their sexual converstions which H admits are crude and very graphic. SIgh. So, I have to leave that site because it feeds her. This woman has me fearing for my life. What a psycho!! H left the house crying this morning, and while I feel he deserves to suffer, I don't know that he deserves this. Maybe he does. But ultimately he's right that as long as she is hovering over me at the other site, that we can never heal.

I don't know what I would do if he wanted to see the OC. If there IS an OC. Thankfully, he wants nothing to do with her or the child. I know that sounds cruel, but I'm pg and want to just enjoy my own child in as normal a setting as I can find. Right now I'm hating my h for bringing me on this Jerry Springer ride. My heart goes out to those of you that suffer because of this situation and, despite my own need not to be involved with the OC, I'm very impressed with those of you who recognize that this is not the fault of the child and can overcome the issues to love the child. We need more people like you I think.

Hello everyone.

I'm so sorry we all have to meet under such stressing and obviously hurtful circumstances.

I'll tell my story as short as I can.

My H and I officially reside in one state but he does business 2 states away in his hometown. (2 hours away)But his mom still lives there. H spends a lot of time there. We've only been M a year and a half. H met OW through their mutual friend. According to him, it was a 3 time A. (who knows if that is true.) The affair occured while I was pregnant last year with our 1st child together (I have 2 boys he has 1). We were expecting our 1st lil girl and excited about it.

Now OW is pregnant but according to my H, he is not so sure it is his. He says he knows someone else she was sleeping with but he is unsure if it was around that time. OC due in end of September. Our little girl was born in March. I found out by pressing the best man because I sensed something was wrong between my H and me. In any case, I kept it to myself because I had to protect my source and because I wanted to see how my H would present it. (stayed silent for exactly 2 months) H got a call that seemed strange one night while he was home so I got the number from his phone called it the next day in front of him but he didn't know that was who I was calling. Asked her if she knew ______. She said yeah, I said how, she said she's his baby's mother. Shit hit the fan.

What I got from the best man was only half of what I got from my H. (that's the only reason I will try to believe it only occurred 3 times) H says he told her he wasn't going to ruin his family to raise a child with her (she didn't know about me). He told her about me and our pregnancy and asked her to get an abortion. She told him you are not going to F me and not F with me and then think you are going to solve this situation with an abortion. She decided to keep the baby. Now we have to sit and wait while in the meantime, my H family (mom, sis, etc.) found out. Everybody is furious with him and my H told them to stay out of his life. (Bad family history - he can take or leave them)

I had already made up my mind when I found out before the phone call, that I was going to try to save my M. I told my H no matter what the DNA test says, I will be there and if it is his, I will support him in his decision on what role he will play.

We start MC on Tuesday and I am very anxious because I need help with the way that I am feeling inside. The only good thing is that he is willing to answer any and all questions that I ask about the A no matter how many times I ask them. He says I have every right to ask and he understands my wanting to know. That helps but not enough.

I haven't cried much. Haven't eaten much either. My milk supply is low (breastfeeding) and as a result I have had to reintroduce formula which makes me feel horrible. I still love my H just the same though (strange, right?) and although I want him near me I want him to go away.

Having a hard time dealing because my boys' father cheated for 2 years and while I knew for 1 1/2 yrs, I was in denial for most of it and tried to save the relationship. That's how I wound up with baby boy #2. Although it took me falling in love with my H to realize I wasn't in love with my boys' father, the pain is still there.

The shit hit the fan 3 weeks ago. My H and I just came back from family vacation to a family reunion 1 week ago. The time together was wonderful. There was even intimacy involved for the 1st time since the splatter. But I am sometimes disappointed in myself for letting it happen.

I don't know what to do or how I will get through this but for now I feel like because I didn't mention, not only could she possibly be having my H's baby, but it is also a girl

[This message edited by TryingNot2Cry at 7:30 PM, July 20th (Thursday)]

Oh scorpio1 !

What took you so long?

I am so glad you have found your strength and told this "cakeman" to take a hike.

Your posts are always so wise and well-balanced; I really wondered why you put up with his nonesense for as long as you did (but understand the difficulty in coming to your decision).

I wish you the best in your future endeavors and hope that you find the happiness you deserve.

Good luck mom!

Quick update...H went to court for 1st time on Wednesday. I was a nervous wreck and in such a bad mood at work. Court was at 9 and by 130 he still hadn't called. It's true...your imagination is your worst enemy.

Turns out they waited almost 4 hours for literally 5 minutes in front of the judge.

H has to go take a DNA test by 8/11 (date suggested by our atty). Next court date is 9/8. So...again we wait.

I was very very nervous for him to see her and scared she would try to talk to him. Her atty (NOT the $600/hour one but some junior flunky) talked to ours but that was it. H said she looks like someone who just gave birth. (Don't mean to offend you moms out there w/ this next comment...) So I said, "what, fat, ugly and worn out?" and he said yes. I keep hoping that he will say to me "what the hell was I thinking?" I hope he's telling himself that. Anyway, she looked terrible and I reveled in it. I only wish I could have been there to see her white trash self. Another time perhaps.

So...after court she hugs her atty. Ours saw it but H didn't. Ours then commented to H that he's been doing this for over 25 years (never lost a custody case BTW...) and he said that's not the kind of hug you give your atty. So...our atty thinks she's sleeping with hers!!! H is going to ask if we should hire a PI to investigate. If so, I think it would be worth the $$. I would love to report him to the bar association and force her to hire someone else. Maybe the karma bus is finally in my neighborhood...

Also, OC was born 6/11. Math doesn't make sense if she indeed got pregnant when she claims she did. A small glimmer of hope that it's not H's but we're hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. If it's not H's, we intend to sue her for atty fees, court costs, slander and slap a restraining order on her ugly ass. God I hope I get to do that.

If it is H's, we are seriously considering suing for custody which means she'd have to pay CS to us. Atty said we have a very very good chance to win. I'm not convinced I want to do that yet but I have to honestly admit that taking the OC away from her is tempting.

I know my feelings are detrimental to healing but right now the anger feels good. I've been helpless during this entire f-ed up situation and I'm dying to act. I hope I get my chance in one way or another.

Thanks everyone for being there for me.

Hugs,

BW

BW,

So sorry to hear that it has been a rough week. I can sympathize and I certainly remember being in the same place.

Only one word of advice - Patience! I know how hard it is, as we are in the same process and I just want it to end. But as you know for me and my H, the fact that the process is taking a long time has helped, in our healing, and in our gaining some control over the situation.

In our case, OW just keeps making it worse and worse for herself by her incredibly stupid actions. But on the flip side, having to go through the CS process with my H has helped us grow incredibly stronger and learn so much more about both ourselves and each other. In the face of such a difficult situation, we have both learned to love and support each other so much more. The way my H has handled this situation since day one has done nothing but show that he plans to make amends and earn my forgiveness and trust back.

scorpio and others that have posted recently, my heart goes out to you. I am keeping you in my prayers.

Hugs to you all.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 7:28 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

i have a question for everyone..so naturally we all probably hate (i know its a strong word) the OW right? we hate her for getting involved w/ our WS (even though it was also their fault for letting it happen) but it was OW choice to give birth to OC knowing she was in no position to have children and knowing the OC would have an unfortunate family structure...

so why is it that my WS has no feelings towards her..oh..to clarify..this OC was conceived out of a drunk ONS...they live in the same town but don't know each other. i am so angry with him..so angry with her..yet he expresses nothing. he says he just doesnt feel anything and especially wouldnt feel anything positive...but claims that feeling anything negative could only make things complicated in the future...so he just chooses to feel nothing...he doesn't care for her or about her...but he doesn't hate her either.

and that is a frustrating feeling for me and i'm not sure how to handle it. how could he not be frustrated/angry/or even hate her for doing this to him..for trapping him this way? she gave him no choice in giving birth...she shouldnt have brought that child into this world...yet..she has now made herself a permanent fixture in his life and he feels nothing and just chooses to move on with things and make the best of it for all parties involved...i dont get it...can someone please help me understand this?

i'm hurting and frustrated...i having one of those moments where no matter how i look at it i just dont see it hurting any less...