SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Believe or not when I first read this a month ago, I thought it was much to tough. Boy, have I learned the hard way. I wish I kicked him out on D-day. Never thought I'd say that. But, after 7 weeks on this damn roller coaster from hell. Just found out he never maintained NC. I think how much further along in the process I'd be and who knows maybe he would have de-fogged. He did show remorse for 1 day. Now he lives with his 24 year old whore. I had to listen to my 10 year old say "I know Daddy is seeing someone he shouldn't be seeing and I just want him to stop." No 10 year should ever see the things she's seen or heard the things she's heard. She's gotten really good and listening at doors and creeping downstairs to listen. How heartbreaking, that we always said the most important thing was her well-being. She's bright and funny and was well adjusted and now needs counseling.

^^^.

its a great post..

i am recently out maybe that is not why i regret my 'mistakes'. i think i did well to give a try as much as I could..

i think it does not matter whether we stay together or D my M deserved a try...

It has been 2 years and 3 months for us. If I had been aware of this site, or more importantly this list, I do believe that I could have saved myself many months of heartache and mental anguish. Even after finding the site and the list, I still allowed my stbxh to manipulate me AGAIN. I think I have finally come out of my own "fog" about it. The fact is he does not give a shit about his family or me or our marriage. He found a fun, single life with a biker-chick to go with it and that's what he wants. NOTHING I can do or say is going to change that I have almost driven myself to the brink of insanity trying to make it happen.

I encourage all newbies (even oldies still confused) to print it and read it over and over and over again until you know it by heart.

Thank you for your hindsight. If I trust in your experience, I can't stay and keep hoping he will suddenly want me again some day. You're right, it is HIS problems that he has to face. Something in him made him do this. But he says its me. How I treated him. But shit happens in all marriages of 25 years, we've always gotten over the tiffs, etc. So fooling around on me with a women at work, and now "whoring" around as I call it, with condoms in his pocket on Friday nights, what the hell is he looking for. Please someone, tell me what he's looking for in a one night stand. Why is that easier than talking to his wife of 25 years and trying to fix things. I guess its his self-esteem, or lack thereof. But why, why can't he tell me its not my fault? Why.

Delima

It has to be someones fault. It's not theirs because that would reflect poorly on them.. they would be the bad guy.

Much easier to make you the bad guy.

Standard WS behaviour

What an excellent post! You hit on so many things that I wish I had done over the past year and a half!

I wish I would not have spent so much time trying to believe a liar. Now I know to trust my own common sense and instincts above all else.

bumping because these are awesome things I wish I had read them all the first day I came back here for round number two .

This was the best advice I've ever read! And it comes at a time when I'm just hanging on by my fingertips. Thank you, katherine.

Never reveal your sources

This is most important to me but a tough one to maintain. There are/were times when I knew he was lying because of the facts I had in my possession, and if I could have only confronted him and revealed my sources, I'd have caught him in the middle of so many lies. But I didn't and I'm waiting for him to TT them to me.

Knowing there are still "untruths" out there is making it hard to R completely.

BUMPING

bumping

20/20 Hindsight - What I wish I'd done:

I would have asked my FWW to write out the timeline of her affair. When it started, how it started, where they went, restaurants, hotels, etc. What they bought each other...etc. Not necessarily the sex details but the where they have been and done. I really only got information on things I had proof of. I got alot of the "I don't remember". Amazing, she could remember the little things about me that upset her, but she couldn't seem to remember the fun and exiciting places her and her OM went.

Years later after R, deep down, things are never quite right. During the first year of IC and MC the therapist would say "do you really need to know these things? do you really think it will help? ". At that time, I guess not. But years later you will wonder....I hate the fact that I didn't require to her make a timeline, if we were going to repair. I think the not knowing the truth is worse that wondering what the truth is.

That is the one thing in hindsight I wish I had done.

I would have been much, much stronger. I would have snapped out of my fog and denial, let my anger rise to the surface, curse him out and take things into my own hands and make decisions for me and my son, instead of waiting for him to come around and putting myself through that limboland torture. I would have told him it was done on dday, packed my things and left and never look back.

I would not have done 180 in attempts to win him back. I would have NC him hard and filed immediately.

bump

bump

bump

Bumping (again).

This is such sound advice.

I wish I had been more forthright all along -- especially about how angry I was.

I kept trying to be "nice" so he would like me more than her. He didn't care a whit about me. I could have been truer to my feelings. Instead it was just more b.s. on both our parts -- him trying to look reasonable, as well as cake-eating stuff; me trying to win him "back" (hah!!!) with sweetness.

Three months ago I finally expressed myself fully and immediately. He was at my house briefly (long story) and said something about how his being moody and grouchy all the time was the "worst thing he did in our marriage," and I straightened him out ("Um, no ... infidelity was the worst. Allow me, as the spouse, the victim to identify the worst" and he responded, for like the 10th time, "You're not a victim." In that moment, it was all so crystal clear, and I said, sharp as a dagger, "Get the F--K out of my house! Now!"...

He has not made any contact and has been avoiding the former "I'm a nice guy" b.s. ever since. I regretted it for a day. No more.

Everything in 20/20 Hindsight has been true for me, if not right away, eventually ... truly great advice.

good advice but its so hard. head vs heart. I think that we need ws need to do things in our own time. But I definately do not see consistant remorse from my ws. Just a few days here and there. I am in IC and just waiting to get strong enough to do what I gotta do. I do not want to be on this site 2 years from now still hurting.

Bumping for Clean Slate