SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why bother with a poly? What could it possibly do? What she's admitted to is more than enough to walk away. Why would anyone stay??

I agree with others just let her go and strongly believe she was in contact with bellboy and most likely had sex with him and got turned down afterwards.

But if you seriously want to give her Another chance I would make her take a poly so you can get the truth out of her.

You'd be making a huge mistake if you didn't. She has shown you who she is. Believe it.

So sorry you are going through this!

She doesn’t explicitly break up with me, but it’s clear enough, right?

She is being manipulative. She doesn't want to break up with you because that brings consequences and loss. It really appears that she is trying to fencesit. She wants to hang onto you as her Plan B AND go indulge herself in fantasyland again. It would appear that she hoped that you would just accept her excuses and welcome her when she returned home largely like what happened last time.

She called me this morning and asked "is it too late to change my mind".

She had an A and has been working on things with you for a couple months now. THAT was her chance to show that she could work on herself, understand why she has a character gap that drives her to chase other men and make progress towards becoming a safe partner. What did she do with that opportunity? She decided to go back on a business trip, express her desire to see the other man again and even foreshadow what she was planning to do. Her ACTIONS have resoundingly showed that she continues to be a broken, unsafe partner. Her words of "Is it too late to change my mind?" fly in the face of contradictory actions.

It is anyone's guess what happened between the time that she sent the email this morning and this afternoon. Personally, I'd put money on what some of the other posts are postulating. But this one thing is certain -- she wants to hold onto you as Plan B.

Don't take her back. You graciously gave her a shot at moving towards reconciliation over the past couple of months and she turned you down while she also demonstrated that she continues to be an unsafe partner.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 12:41 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]

Sorry for the radio silence. I've been busy, and I wasn't expecting this many responses. I've been talking to my parents (finally! they're wonderful) and some friends. I'm thinking about flying out to see them for a weekend or something.

I won't take her back, but I do plan to be kind to her during the breakup. We have a lot of mutual friends (most of whom I met through her) and I'd really like to stay on friendly terms with her.

I've only skimmed the responses so far, but I appreciate everyone who is offering their support, advice, or loving 2x4s.

You can be civil with her but I advise against being her friend. It will make your healing much harder if you'really still in contact with her.

I won't take her back, but I do plan to be kind to her during the breakup.

I have not commented before, but I have read your entire story from the beginning.

You will be "kind" to her?!

Funny! You might as well go ahead and buy the ring now. You won't last as a single "kind" guy around her. She has you figured out.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 12:48 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]

I've been talking to my parents (finally! they're wonderful) and some friends. I'm thinking about flying out to see them for a weekend or something.

Excellent idea. Get some time with those who can shower you with the love and respect you deserve. You've been through a lot and you could use time to heal.

I do plan to be kind to her during the breakup.

There is no reason to be a contentious malcontent. But do make haste in separating and moving forward. Her words and actions have given you many wounds and have played with your mind. You need to get away from her for your own sanity and healing. Be matter of fact, be firm and don't sacrifice any of yourself in the process.

I wasn't expecting this many responses

It's because you're cared about.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 12:51 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]

So the story is girl goes to another country, cheats, ends up contracting a disease, comes back to boyfriend, boyfriend takes her back, she then goes back to country, says she needs to explore banging the guy she cheated with and got a sexually transmitted disease and breaks up with boyfriend then writes a note saying she made a mistake..

...and dude is considering taking her back.

ok..

She says...

She called me this morning and asked "is it too late to change my mind".

He says...

I won't take her back,

So toopol - answer to her is, "Nope. It's not too late to change YOUR mind, but it is too late to change MINE."

Topol, stop skimming through the posts and read them carefully. You came here for advice and support.

My gut is telling me that she reached out to the ap and he rejected her, possibly he thinks that the herpes came from her.

Seriously!!! Who the hell cares if her email was before or after contacting him. It was just plain cruel!!!

Don't be selective in what you disclose to your parents, warts and all! You need support to stay on track.

I don't know what else to say, I really see you going back for more pain and punishment. I hope you don't but if you do (please please don't) we are here for you.

The biggest {{{hug}}}

I won't take her back, but I do plan to be kind to her during the breakup. We have a lot of mutual friends (most of whom I met through her) and I'd really like to stay on friendly terms with her.

I've been there, done that.

Don't do it. It just doesn't work out.

What do you think is going to happen? Do you think she's going to return the favor when it comes to the kindness you intend to show her? No way man.

She'll blame you for not taking her back

or

She'll say you're really the one who broke up with her

or

She'll throw a pity party and enlist those mutual friends in manipulating you back on her terms (whether they know it or not)

You don't have to make anyone choose. They will show their true colors all on their own. Trust me people always do.

Do yourself a favor and keep any interaction with her strictly about the logistics of the breakup. I don't care if it's emails, texts, tweets or skywriting...keep it cordial and detached.

Do not be in her life any more.

Even people who love actual rollercoasters get off the ride at some point.

This rollercoaster has been your life and don't you think it's time to stop the crazy ride?

My instinct of it is this. On some level you have this faint, flickering glimmer of hope that she will show you something that will make it all ok. I don't think you're conscious of exactly what it is. It's just a faint hope that when you see her she will say something, do something that will somehow be that magic bullet.

Do I think she saw the OM already? I don't know.

Honestly I think it's entirely possible it went down exactly the way she said it did. The thought of exploring 'what if?' with OM seemed viable. She acted on it. Now it's real. To your credit you very calmly acknowledged what she said and confirmed it was over. I doubt she expected that. She probably thought you'd be anything but calm, which quite frankly can be the most jarring. You were at peace with it. Doesn't mean you liked it but you showed acceptance. Now she's thinking about her next step with OM. That is your proverbial "Oh sh*t!!!" moment if there ever was one.

Let's assume she was honest (this time) and didn't even see OM. She probably thought by changing her mind before seeing him she hasn't crossed that line yet and it's ok to rescind her decision like some deranged emotional return policy or something. Seriously?

Devil's advocate moment. She means it. She had a moment genuine clarity and decided OM was the POS he is (which she supposedly realized at least once before right?). She still was willing to end your relationship over a 'what if?' scenario.

That's the key thing here.

It's not OM or the A.

Your XWGF is driven by the 'what if?'

Now that you're broken you're the 'what if?'

There will be another 'what if?' in her future.

Don't be in her life when that happens.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 1:41 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]

Hello Toopol, I have followed your story but I am not much of a writer. However, I feel like I need to say this. I was also living with my fiance when I had a 3rd DDAY so I understand your situation. Please tell me if I am wrong.

This is what you think: our relationship is different than the others, we have a special and unique love, we have so many good memories, she cannot be like the other cheaters, I know her better than anybody in this world. She's not fake...we have plans, we can fix this, I am not perfect either but she stayed with me all this time, etc. ...I am not judging you, I completely understand, we don't like the pain so we find ways in our minds to make us feel better, we don't wanna suffer like the others.

Here are your two options:

1. Hard way...leave her, let her go. NO FRIENDLY BREAK UP, go 100% NO CONTACT. No, I will help you move, no let's cry together, no let's just be FWB, no let's just talk/text when we feel sad. NOTHING just let her go, block her number, move out, no more emails, texts. Is it gonna be hard? YES. You will probably cry everyday (I did for 3 straight months) you will have weak moments when you will wanna call her but it's not worth it. NO CONTACT = NO NEW PAIN. It is like an addiction and the withdrawal is the hardest part. Work on yourself, feel the pain, understand why you were willing to forgive her, learn to love yourself so in the future you have deal breakers that will save you lots of pain. It takes time, everybody is different.

2. Easy (not so easy) way....take her back, forgive her, listen to your heart and enjoy that temporary love madness that you wish so bad. You'll probably have the best sex ever, she will be the sweetest GF in the world...you will feel alive again, happy at last. Then a few weeks or months later, the nightmares will start, the mental movies about what she did with the other guy will torture you, you will suddenly feel angry at her, at the world, you will keep it to yourself bc you will be tired of the arguing and you want to save the relationship. She will sense it either way, she will try not to open the wound so she will try to be nicer or maybe she will start ignoring you until you mood changes again and you are the sweet BF again. Months will go on, you will look and the mirror and you will start feeling mad at yourself...why did you do it? why did you forgive her?...one day she will not answer a text, a call, or she will go out by herself and then the anxiety will start and the "what ifs", you will catch yourself checking her phone, her email...reading into her words...trying to find something...one day she'll catch you and she will get mad at you, she will be sooo offended and she will call you crazy for not letting it go, for not trusting her...one day you will wake up and you will me so exhausted of this life...you will realize everybody was right and your GF and your relationships were not so different and special after all...the hardest part will be forgiving yourself for staying.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe not....it is your life and the decision is yours.

You must realize you were her 2nd choice. She chose him, for some reason it didn't work out, now she will accept her 2nd choice.

Please don't think you can be friends with her. Friends don't do what she did to you so she would not make a good friend.

Hello Toopol, I am sorry you have gone through this experience but I hope you have gained some wisdom concerning her. You were always going to be her plan B if you stayed in a relationship with her. If not this guy then there would have been some other guy down the road that she would need to explore her options with. Stay strong, forget about being friends with her. Friends do not do what she did and she will try to take advantage of you in the future if you remain friends.

Good luck on your future single life and your future relationships. You are going to have a much better life than she will have.

She likes the idea of having two options and she is just keeping on a string for later when she tires of whomever she ends up with.

She is feeding her own ego at your expense. Don't give her the satisfaction of being heartbroken either. Close the door and walk away. Avoid her if at all possible.

I smell trouble and life filled with regret if you take her back. Respect yourself enough to know that she is not good for you.

Her thinking after her therapist appointment was probably the decision she will go with, but not until she can feed her ego over your broken heart.

Spend some time with yourself and learn to be by yourself and happy with yourself. You will attract the right kind of partner with that. Someone who deserves that place by your side.

You are still figuring out what that person would be like. Take your time with that exercise.

A story about how things work out when you choose yourself:

About 5 years ago, my son met a girl out who gave him her number. He called her. They started dating. By all accounts, it was a passionate relationship and they seemed happy together. The only part of this that doesn't parallel your situation, by the way, is that she had children and my son was wonderful to them. They appeared to be heading for marriage and I thought I was going to have some grandchildren (we all loved her kids). Until she cheated.

Once my son found out about the affair, he broke his rule of never staying with someone who cheated and tried to work on things with her. We were supportive of whatever he decided but, although she seemed regretful, she did not seem remorseful. The agreement was no contact with the affair partner but she wouldn't stop. My son laid down his boundaries but she kept vacillating back and forth and made it pretty clear that my son was not her priority, nor was how he felt.

When he broke up with her for good, I knew she was going to try to hoover him back and told him she'd regret it. I was right. He, too, decided to remain friendly and continued to accept calls and do favors for her. She continued to allow him to do those favors and called him her "best friend", all while continuing to sleep with the other guy.

All that changed when my son met someone and started spending time with her. His new girlfriend felt uncomfortable with him continuing a friendship with an ex. When he explained to his "friend" that his new relationship was going to take priority, she lost her shit on him and told him that his new girlfriend was being ridiculous and if he didn't put his foot down about her picking his friends now, he'd regret it. Fortunately, he asked my opinion and I told him if he really cared about the new girlfriend, her feelings about this should be priority given that he planned to never have a relationship with the ex again. He needed to decide what was more important to him and he chose the girlfriend. She's now been his wife for a year and a half. The ex-girlfriend freaked out that plan B would no longer be available even going so far as to send me a friend request on Facebook last month. Out of respect for my daughter-in-law and to avoid giving her a window into my son's life, I have not accepted.

If you let her go, a world of possibilities is going to open up for you. Taking her back means spending a future with someone you will always question. And since she has gone back and forth on what she wants, you will always wonder if she is regretting her choice and really wants to be where she is. You won't be able to read her mind but you will wish you could and it will drive you crazy. You'll be nervous every time she has a business trip. Sure, all of these same things could happen with someone new but there is always the chance they won't. With her, there is no chance.

Be friendly if you want to be for as long as it lasts but prepare yourself for the friendship becoming more trouble than it's worth. She has already treated you in ways that a true friend never would.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:59 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]

Wow...just wow.

This is like a bad novel.

You do understand why people are telling you you were plan B, right? You were in false R! The "what if's" started the minute she got back from her first trip and not the minute she went back!

This woman consistently lied to you, period. She dragged you through hell and you trusted that she was being truthful. Find your anger, f@#k being friends.

Threads like yours make my blood boil because she was willing to hurt you all over again. How is that love?

You must realize you were her 2nd choice. She chose him, for some reason it didn't work out, now she will accept her 2nd choice

^^^Without a doubt, you are Plan B.

I wouldn't believe her for a second that she did not contact this guy....

The night before she wanted to explore her options, and the next morning she is changing her mind? Plan B.

Cut the cord, swiftly, and never look back. You have been stuck in this mud for too long.

Sorry, Toopol, but to be honest, I think most of us here expected this.

Again, thanks all for posting. I've caught up now.

Brandon808, I appreciate your "devil's advocate" "even if" approach.

When I say that I want to stay on friendly terms with her, I don't mean "hang out with each other, do errands and favors for each other, and call each other all the time" kind of friends. I mean "people can still feel comfortable inviting us both to the same dinner party" kind of friends. I want to split up quickly and not spend time alone together after that.

One thing I noticed was that our relationship seemed to keep having "lowest points" where something awful would happen and sometimes we'd almost break up, but we'd stay together and hope that it was all going to get better from then on. And then the next "lowest point" would come. I'm feeling pretty low right now, but I look forward to never having another one of those moments with her.