SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh boy.

If there is a snowball's chance in hell to save your M, it will be from her begging you to not D her. That won't happen until you man up and try to D her.

You are too caught up with what she is doing/thinking and not about yourself. You are enabling her A by reassuring her you will be a Plan B and blaming yourself for this. You need to look out for number 1 like she is doing.

You need to understand this had nothing to do with you and everything about her selfishness. You could have been the perfect husband and this would have still happened. Her gaming and the temptation of others is the reason.

You want her to come crawling back? Tell her R is off the table and you want to D asap and you don't want to see her face ever again. Then you need to start imaging life without her and get in that mindset because dollars to donuts if it wasn't for your own low self esteem you might be the one wanting the leave.

The more you want her, the less she'll want you. This is why you can never "nice" them back. Don't reward them for cheating, hold their feet to the fire or else like in your case they can blame you for it instead of taking responsibility and you acting like its your fault justifies it for them. You didn't deserve this and she screwed you over, get mad about it.

I was in your shoes for about a year because I refuse to see my FWW as a bad person and it was all my fault. The minute I threw in the towel and told her she could go to hell is when things started going my way. I've been in R now for about 11 years, would have been 12 if I didn't wimp out like you are now. Cheaters only respect a hard-ass, being submissive always ends in tears.

Yeah, I guess I feel she thinks differently. She said she wanted to see me when I was back next month for training. She said that all week I've been saying one thing and doing another (ie saying I want to R then 180, etc). She said that she did something terrible but she still needs time.

Serving her now will just cement that in her mind that I am a person who doesn't know what he wants. Maybe I should wait a week or two, then serve? She is 2000 miles away, everyone's situation on this forum involves their WS not moving out. They see them every day, mine is literally across the country now. I'm trying to temper what is said here with the fact that while she cheated, the situation might be a little different, no?

I know it's inevitable, but she's really sensitive and if I act too aggressively, she will never come back for sure. Shes manipulative and manipulating, so if I tell her I want a D she will take it at face value and proceed. I don't want a D. I just feel like there is no right way about this.

I know I am being stubborn, I know you all have been through it. But please see it from my POV, you guys all got to see your WS constantly after the A. I have to do a 180 with mine without her even being here.

I told her Dad I wanted it to work out, he said he wanted it to work out too and that he loved me. Now I serve her immediately and he will think I was lying. And yes, maybe I have self esteem problems as well.

She truly believes she has been emotionally abused for years and years. Everyone around her believes that. Being a hardass now is the wrong move, maybe in a couple weeks. I just don't know at all. If I be a hardass, she'll have everyone screaming in her ear 'See, told you so'. If I leave it be for a little, maybe she'll start listening to herself.

[This message edited by Falc at 4:19 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

Do the 180 to detach and that’s it. Stop communicating with her. Detach.

It will become clearer once you start detaching. You need to do this for yourself, no other reason.

Maybe I should wait a week or two, then serve? She is 2000 miles away, everyone's situation on this forum involves their WS not moving out. They see them every day, mine is literally across the country now. I'm trying to temper what is said here with the fact that while she cheated, the situation might be a little different, no?

No.

The number one sin of surviving infidelity is assuming your story is unique and discounting what you're told because of that. It's not unique in the least. You're not the golden child. Your relationship wasn't made of magic.

She's asking for space? Give it to her, fully 180, go NC, fix yourself, live well.

[This message edited by Skadu at 5:24 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

I did not and still do not see my wayward wife by my choice. It has been awhile since I have had any type of contact.

Your wife is 2,000 miles away. You will soon start detaching or she will. Please look at the situation realistically. Put down the hopium pipe and carefully evaluate her actions and if she does anything to repair the marriage and address her wayward behavior. You need to evaluate

what you wish to do based on her actions not by texts or phone conversations.

You may file for divorce whenever you wish or never. She may file when she meets residency requirements wherever she has gone. Who knows what she will do at this point.

I suggest you protect yourself. Take steps to prevent financial manipulation or her running up debt you will be responsible while she is absent in case she does not return.

I hope everything works out for the best for both of you.

This is blunt: fuck her dad! He has already turned on you, you just don’t see it. Screw that whole family, and what they think. They are supporting their precious girl. Wait until they REALLY have to support her because she won’t get a job or get off her fucking computer! Then they’ll see what a little diamond she is.

Start now. Serve her. Do not speak to her. Ever. Do not speak to her father. Move forward.

She is telling you she wants to continue her affair. She is asking you to stand by and allow her to do so without interfering. She wants you to financially support her throughout all this. You just don’t hear her.

She is a CHILD. Let her family take care of her.

Blah, blah, blah stop trying to find excuses to continue being her doormat, man up, your case is NOT unique, forget about her dad and her family, they'll take her side eventually no matter what.

Let me tell you something do you really want to still have the remote chance she takes her head out of her A$$, file for D without warning and have her served over there and do NOT talk to her for nothing, don't pick up the phone, not even texts, she would have to take a plane back to see you and talk to you, go radio silent and start detaching. If D papers and hard 180 don't shock her back to reality nothing will, by the time that happens (if it happens) it's you who may not want her back, get out of infidelity NOW.

What about when I'm back there for job training? She said she wanted to see me.

You're allowing her to drive this process. STOP IT!

When you're there, I'd let her know I was there, and then I would set the time/place floor the meet up. If she doesn't show, it's over.

If everyone is saying the same thing it should be a light bulb moment for you.

“The reason your wife is doing this is because you are negotiating from a position of weakness. She knows you won't leave, due to insecurity or financial repercussions, so she has no impetus to change. My advice to you is just file for divorce and find someone else. Or learn to live with it and don't complain about it. Those are really your only reasonable options. How about ask her which of those options she wants? But you have to mean it if you ask her. “

Okay. I've taken her off the credit card, I told her the car stays here. I will pay the property taxes and the house payment which won't leave much money in our account. I don't text her, I don't answer her texts at all? What if she asks about the money? Shouldn't I respond with a comment about even though you ran away, you still have to face reality?

Or is it literally a hard NC? Also, how do you tell her after you served her papers that you still want to reconcile?

[This message edited by Falc at 12:00 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

Time to look at your values. Is this how you want your WW to treat you? I think, if you choose to see her when you go to training, tell her that you love her and your marriage very more. You also love yourself. By her actions of being in EA, you refuse to share the love of your life with another man. It is not fair to you. She is free to go be with OM, but not as your wife. You are proceeding to begin divorce and value myself and the things I stand for. If your WW gets her head out of her ass and starts showing you through her actions that she is a safe partner, you can stop the divorce. It will take time. If not, you are spared from having to see her during the divorce process.

As for her being upset with your joint savings being wiped out. It's part of your joint responsibility to pay your family obligations. Her selfishness in quitting her job shows how much she thinks of her marriage and you so she can run home to her parents and have no responsibility.

I would ask FIL to monitor your WW for you. You have a good relationship with him. Will she get a job back at home? Spend all day on the computer? Etc

I have already said this and I'm saying it again,you deserve better. Everybody thinks so too. You don't deserve to be treated that way.Don't let her control you. You shouldn't show her any weakness at all so make firm decisions.For once, make yourself a priority.

Your last sentence speaks volumes about your codependency issues.

Also, how do you tell her after you served her papers that you still want to reconcile?

The hard truth is that it doesn't matter if you want to reconcile. You can't force that on her. If she isn't willing to do what is necessary then it doesn't matter what you want. And, to be frank, even though you feel you might want to reconcile right now (it's still relatively new) there is no guarantee that you will want to down the road. Feelings change as distance (physical and mental) give you some clarity.

The reason that you're getting so much push back on your approach is simple - she has not chosen you. If she was outside your front door, begging you to come in and give her a chance, snot dripping down her face, then MAYBE you consider moving forward. At this point, however, that is not happening. She has distanced herself from YOU - more than likely to give another guy a test run.

Please, coming from a guy much farther down the road than you, use this time wisely. You will never forgive yourself if you allow yourself to be treated poorly. There will come a time, 5 or 10 or 20 years from now, when you will look back on this period of your life (no matter if you divorce or reconcile) and bang your head against the wall for allowing yourself to be treated this way. For almost every guy on this board it is the strength and independence you show that helps the most - regardless of what happens to the marriage.

YOU determine how reconciliation, or divorce, proceeds from here. YOU determine when, and if, you talk/text. YOU determine when/if you will meet. Move forward with conviction - if she wants to join you in that journey... great. That will be your call, too. And if she doesn't, so what? You'll be a better man looking for a better wife.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 9:02 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

Go to a lawyer and start protecting yourself. File, get the financial stuff all sorted out. She wants to know about money? She can speak to a lawyer and figure it out. You think her dad gives a crap about you? He does not.

Do NOT tell her you want to reconcile. You are moving forward with divorce... if she shows up down the line and FULL of remorse, after a lot of IC, then you can stop the process But this is unlikely, she has chosen to leave you. She is only throwing you breadcrumbs so that you support her financially.

Move on with your life. Go complete NC with her and her family.

You think her dad gives a crap about you? He does not.

He literally said he loves me and that he hopes we can work it out. I do think her Dad gives a crap about me, I just don't know why he's not telling her to get back here and work it out with her husband.

I am moving forward. I have a gym membership, I'm going to IC. I paid the property tax and house payment ($6000) from our account. I took her off the credit card. I am not texting her. If I go nuclear too fast, I potentially lose her Dad which I really believe is an ally or is at least neutral.

The one thing left to do is change the online banking password as it will force her to create her own username/password. But she will text me asking why I did it, do I respond at all? She said she's very hurt right now, if I blow everything up it reinforces her images of me in her head. Is there any way to walk the fine line or is it just nuclear or bust? It's still early, which means that my goal is getting her back and I'm having such a hard time turning that into improving myself and my independence. I think that will come with time as I do more things myself. Maybe in a week I'll change my mind and just go nuclear, I don't know. I understand why you all are pushing so hard and I am thankful for all the advice.

For people who have gone through this (wife separates and there is a big distance), how long did it take you to decide to go nuclear?

Or is it literally a hard NC? Also, how do you tell her after you served her papers that you still want to reconcile?

You DON'T tell her you want to R, just like she didn't tell you she was having an EA, every woman on the planet should know at least the first basic steps to try to R (end the A, NC FOREVER and beg for forgiveness and a 2nd chance), if after being served eventually she hops on a plane back to see you, then at that point you can have discussion with her and simply tell her you love her but that you love yourself more and refuse to share your wife with another man, you won't allow for her to take her sweet time deciding who she wants to be with, that's not what you both signed for when you married that you have decided to get out of infidelity and find a woman who won't cheat on you, love you and respect you (a normal M), keep in mind if that happens by that time you may be detached from her and may not consider giving her a 2nd chance and that's OK too, either way if it happens (and that's a big IF) don't make it easy for her, make her earn it and do the heavy lifting, R should be in YOUR terms.

Also take half of whatever's left from the joint account and put it in an account that's in your name only.

She is also home to figure out what she wants to do in terms of herself. She's been with me since she was 19, she is 26 now. I don't believe this is solely to test out being with this guy, she may not even be talking to him. I don't see any posts on social media, but I'm not stupid. They might just be keeping everything out of the public eye. He is still on her chat program (Discord) and all her online friends and her were talking about playing games this weekend.

I think that a month of NC, not quite going nuclear but still asserting myself (changing the banking password, paying large bills out of the joint account, etc) is a good way. Then we meet up, we talk. I ask if she's still talking to the guy and if she says yes, I say that I'm going to file and I get up and leave.

[This message edited by Falc at 10:33 AM, September 28th (Friday)]

You are doing the best you can under terrible circumstances. We have all made mistakes in handling this shitstorm. Bottom line: You need to do what you are comfortable with in the long run. You do you. You are the one who has to live with the results no matter what happens.

I think the accepted experience and wisdom here is that the efforts you are making will have little impact on her mindset. My impression from what you have said about your WW is that she is very emotionally immature, selfish, and entitled. She will really need to do a lot of introspection and work on herself if she is going to turn herself around and be the type os spouse and partner you deserve. Your situation is not unique here. If you read enough you will see similar behavior from other young spouses who get into an A a few years into M, when they begin to question what they have missed, did I marry too young, and do I want to experience other possibilities. You did nothing wrong. I am sorry you are going thru this. Strength to you going forward.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:44 AM, September 28th (Friday)]