SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never told him he had a good body.

When I found out on September 1st it was because he thought she lived out of state so it felt “safe” WTH?? What affair is safe. Then when I found out instead of working on the marriage like he had promised for 14 months, on Thanksgiving Day 2018, it was because he had already done so much damage. You see the crazy way their minds work.

I didn't ask nor did I care.

He said that it wasn’t my fault (thanks, Captain Obvious) - that he thought I wouldn’t find out, and that he felt he deserved it because he worked so hard for our family. Later, he said that ‘guys like him don’t get girls like her’, and so of course he had to take that chance of a lifetime. It has to be one of the most hurtful things he’s ever said to me.

Bonus answer to why he stayed: He said he realized he wanted to stay married to me after he realized it wasn’t going to work out with her, and he still doesn’t understand why that hurts so much. I can’t help but think that he’d have left otherwise.

[This message edited by BlueIris at 10:55 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

BlueIris, Those are two HORRIBLE things to tell your wife. OMG.

All of these reasons are unbelievable.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:30 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

Getting in on the fun:

Said to me: “You’re amazing wife but I can’t help but believe this is for the best” - in reference to divorce to be with OW

Said to his mother (never to me): “I’ve been unhappy for a while now”. - We’ve only been married 2 years and he said he was happy when we went on our big Europe trip Oct of 2017

“Your lack of enthusiasm for relocation for my career deflated me. I now need to experience life without the obligation of one person or someone’s opinion” - been together 12 years and built him up, but okay. Also said I’d go to the moon with him if I needed to and basically he said I deflated him to much and there’s not coming back from it

“I wanted to have kids with you once upon a time, but lost interested when vacations became more frequent”

“I wanted a new house with you but again lost interest when it seemed like everything else took priority”

“I feel like I have to leave it up to fate at this point”

“I’m willing to breakdown everything we’ve built to see what I can do on my own now”

To his best friend: “If I weigh the pros and the cons (between me and the OW), it makes sense 100% to stick with my wife, but I have to follow my heart”

Also to his best friend: “She (OW) just gets things my wife doesn’t” and “Man we don’t even tongue kiss anymore.”

“I have freaky desires that I feel uncomfortable exploring with you because I don’t want you to second guess and think I got them from somewhere.” - said AFTER finding out about the affair

“Your obsessing over this one person, but really it boils down to me falling out of love and wanting to explore life being single”

“It wasn’t even real sex. Just oral”

[This message edited by brokenbride8 at 4:55 PM, January 18th (Friday)]

I was told that it escalated, he never meant to and he's really not sure why he let it happen. He said we had issues in our relationship (minor) and that he was drunk when it happened.

They give all sorts of reasons and it depends on when you ask sometimes too.

When MrH "confessed" he was in love with my friend, xOW1, he said the relationship formed because he was Christian and I was agnostic.

BTW- she was not a person of faith either. And I attended church with friends and taught at a Christian daycare. But yeah...that's why the "EA".

Years later, when I found out about the PA part, it was because we hadn't had sex in months and she practically forced herself on him. I was in my first year teaching (many hours of work) and he was a cop- our hours were often at odds.

The 2nd A- because of my depression. You know...the depression that resulted from sweeping the 1A under the rug and the distance between us because he kept most of the truth a secret...that depression.

Later on, he said it was because he had started watching porn at 12yo and those movies always make cheating look sexy.

Once he said it was because both of his parents (D) but specifically his mom, were so casual about sex and slept around. He didn't think it was a big deal. He has since forgotten he said that, especially the part about his mom.

I didn’t ask the 1st time. Our relationship was pretty fresh and he lost his mom very quickly to ovarian cancer. It was talking to a lot of different women so I just confronted him and said, look if you’re serious about us these are my expectations in case I wasn’t clear enough. He responded by apologizing and turning the internet off on his phone.

This time he said he has huge anxieties that I’m going to leave him because his work schedule drives me nuts. He said he has a hole in him that he tries to fill by getting approval from other people. He says he is weak and constantly needs to be told he is wanted/needed. He felt like he wasn’t getting that from me, partly because his schedule makes it hard for us to be together/communicate but also because he was lieing to himself and just a straight coward for not being able to talk to me about his insecurities.

We’ll see if any of this changes after counseling.

He was traveling and lonely.

I was always working or focused on my kids.

She paid attention.

She offered it up on a night they were drunk.

Everyone else was cheating on their spouses on work travel.

Got caught up in the excitement

I gained weight.

He was upset that his kids didn't speak to him anymore.

I didn't "need" him

[This message edited by Jt16si at 11:44 PM, January 26th (Saturday)]

BlueIris.

I would have divorced him on the spot if my H said anything like that.

Now my H may have thought it b/c he was 50!and she was 30 - huge ego boost to him. But he was never dumb enough to say it - though he did say some pretty mean and hurtful things.

The one I cannot get over (and never will forget) is how MY disability has made HIS life hard. I’m not chronically ill and to look st me you cannot tell I have a health issue - but I do. But I thought we always managed it and it did not let it ruin our lives.

But yes - I saw he wrote in an email to the OW how he missed doing certain things because I’m unable. But she could do it.

Poor poor baby. His life is so hard!

My WH still doesn't know why, he says. Although one time during an argument he told me it was because i didn't give him enough attention.

Funny thing about that... we have the time during his A very well documented with home movies, emails, Facebook posts that show a glimpse into how attentive I was. Spoiler alert: I was very attentive... doted on him and took him on surprise trips. He even doted on me like crazy and did surprise dinners and gifts for me. I remember thinking that those days were actually some of our happiest. Strange.

He doesn't know.

My WH likes to move on/drop things in a minute. He would say I'm an obesser and I like to obsess with the past. Truth is for me I just want to understand. I don't want 101 details I just want to know the process that was going through his mind at the time to make it ok.

He has said he knew it was wrong HOWEVER he has recanted that it was a "set-up".

Deedee, I don't know is a cop out.... Don't accept that.

Me age 31, her age 27–married for 5 years together for 8.

We’re due to graduate nursing school this May (in 3mo) wih our bachelor’s degrees.

She decided to cheat on me withh her abhsive ex-boyfriend and move in with him in January 2019.

Her reasons:

We never had a “spark.” (Typical cheaters script, we had a spark and everyone saw it. She chased me for a year and a half before we even got together).

She said she fell out of love two years ago.

She didn’t mean to enter into an emotional affair and sexual affair.

She didn’t realize that she still had feeling for him.

She says she is in love with him now and very happy.

———

She has been drinking with him 4+ times per week for the last four weeks. She might not even graduate. This whole thing is still fresh for me so I am not sure what to do but grieve.

My WW told me that it was just because there was a connection there from before that didn't go away. It was all about making the other feel better when needed.

It was an emotional affair. I do believe it stayed only as an emotional affair but I obviously know how silly of a reason it is that she gave me, especially when she's admitted that she lacked nothing from my side.

My WS’s reason for cheating was for sex and attention. Both to gain power, control, and to get an ego boost. A ‘sense of self’ or a ‘new identity’ in a way. This person was “less than” in WS’s mind and kept blowing WS’s head up. “You’re so attractive” “you’re so successful” “you’re so nice” “you’re so responsible”

Blah blah blah.

Ultimately WS didn’t love themself, didn’t feel good enough for themself, and wasn’t a whole happy person. WS used others to provide this need. It was all about WS’s relationship with self. Not me.

*added*

All 3 AP’s were the same sort of deal. Needy, desperate women that used other people to feel happy. Sadly WS was the same type of person as they were and so they fed off each other.

[This message edited by maise at 10:46 AM, February 18th (Monday)]

Well first they have to actually admit that they were cheating to give you a reason lol. In the case of my wife - she denied and lied lied lied until I finally pulled the plug. Then she ran to her AP and I never saw or heard from her again.

“I didn’t think that I would be caught.”

“You we’re away a lot”. One week one month and a second week another month to help my mother and sister with surgery recovery.

And the best, most devastating reason of all “she was new ass, do you know what that does to a man?” I clocked him in the jaw for that, not a moment I am proud of.

Thatguy,

Isnt it crazy how they can just disappear? Im still baffled by it, and the few times I stop back here, I look for others who got a taste of that extra special kind of hell. Getting ghosted like YOURE the scumbag is a mindfuck. Who are these disordered messes we slept next to for so many years? I guess when youre content with another person, its harder to realize that theyre human garbage.