SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can you come over while he’s fucking me and push him off me and make him watch how a real man fucks me?”

There are all types of affairs where the BS is just collateral damage. A one night stand on a trip, Even a hook up with a co worker you don’t know. This isn’t one of those. Her and her AP purposely set out to humiliate you, even if you didn’t know it. This was probably the tip of the iceberg. My EX had unprotected sex with both of us the same day. Me of course getting the SS. It wouldn’t surprise me if yours did acts like this also to let the AP become the Alpha and you the unsuspecting sucker

In my opinion, these types of cheaters are so damaged that they don’t deserve to be married to the person they betrayed in such an evil fashion. Not everyone deserves redemption

She doesn’t know I took about 80 snap shots on my phone from her Snapchat conversation. Those are safe on a jump drive so I don’t keep looking at them as torture. I did try to obtain the thousands of messages through Verizon but they will not release them without a court order or subpoena. And even then I hear it’s difficult to get them. Does anyone have any other bright ideas? I tried to snoop around on her MacBook to see if maybe they were somewhere on there, but there’s a double verification which alerts her someone’s trying to get onto her cloud.

You might want to read Speedbump’s story. Her WH had an affair with a crazy neighbor and the two of them said terrible things about her and played little tricks on her. She has not been back in awhile, but you will see all the great advice she got about dealing with the evil games in addition to the infidelity.

Go to your profile page and you will find a search window for members.

This is your life and your decision but John Gottman’s research found that contempt of a spouse almost always means divorce. And I have not read much that was more contemptible than what your wife said about you. I am like the others. I don’t believe for one minute that depression caused her to badmouth you. You have to accept that she did what she did because she wanted to. No one held a gun to her head.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:10 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

She refuses to do a timeline. And she said I already know exactly everything that happened. She actually get pissed off at me if something pops up in my head and ask her about what, when, where, and how because “we’ve already been over that and we need to move past this”.

Done and done. Zero R potential with her, IMO.

I with WWTL....

In my opinion, these types of cheaters are so damaged that they don’t deserve to be married to the person they betrayed in such an evil fashion. Not everyone deserves redemption

Dead right.

This is what I read from your WW text:

Wife: The one thing I have done and will continue to do is take ownership for what I did,

Words words words

I wish you could understand I haven’t been making excuses.

Nobody understands me

I’m just trying to help myself and you understand why I was in such a dark place to do such a terrible thing

It’s not my fault, it’s the fault of the dark place.

I feel like you want everyone to hate me.

Everybody hates me

But believe me, no one could hate me more than I hate myself.

Pity me

Wife: I think that you are just not emotionally capable of understanding that I didn’t do this to cheat.

You’re an idiot. I’m not cheating to cheat, I don’t cheat because everybody hates me.

How bad my depression has been and how that’s not an excuse, but it’s also not that I just did this for no reason.

I’m not making an excuse, but my excuse is that I’m not doing not that for a reason, but you’re emotionally incapable of understanding that

How we have had issues in the past that we never worked through the proper way. I think you are very one sided when it comes to this situation, and you’re allowed to be bc you are the victim.

I have cheated to not cheat because of past problems in our marriage. I’m not making excuses, stop playing the victim, can’t you see my suffering?

I just think if we were to talk about this together to people, you wouldn’t see this one- sided response.

People would understand that I cheat not to cheat.

I also don’t think that you can understand that the counselor isn’t trying to fix this marriage. He’s trying to fix me separately and in turn, fix our marriage if that’s what we want

You’re not emotionally capable of understanding anything. The councelor is not trying to fix the marriage, he is trying to fix the marriage if we (I) want.

I just think your expecting people and our counselor to right away tell me how wrong I am /was (which he has said multiple times and how he admits how I take ownership)

I don’t like it when people say I’m wrong. I take ownership of cheating for not cheating.

the thing is, just repeating that over and over doesn’t solve this. Figuring out why this happened and learning tools and coping mechanisms is what will heal us.

It’s just hard for you to understand that bc you’re still so rage - filled at the moment

You’re full of rage, can’t you understand how much I suffer?

Sorry for the very quick thread-jack

Shutter you've got quite the way with breakin' it down! Only half-joking 😬

***End of thread-jack***

JA, definitely read other stories as Odonna suggested. You'll see a lot that you can relate with and will be able to see that you've got nothing to blame yourself for and why you shouldn't let her play the victim card no matter what, regardless of R or D.

The fact that she won't let you log into the iCloud is a HUGE continued flag.

Honestly, I'd even suggest reading my story too, as it's still developing and (as I've said before) I see a bunch of parallels between the two. I was in denial for longer than I'd like to admit.

I had believed her initial TT so adamantly that I ignored the warnings others on SI gave based on their experience. It then came out that they were right.

Even though I believe that she's no longer TT'ing or omitting facts purposely from me, I also know I'll never be able to truly 100% accept that without seeing tangible truth.

I say that because you should learn from my mistakes early on after DDay so you won't make them.

Do not allow her to make you feel any less like the person you are by making a choice and sticking to it. If you DO end up changing your mind later... well, that should be up to you - not the guilt she's trying to tack onto you.

Unless you have absolute and total electronic access for her entire past, present & future (for as far back as you determine at any given point without feeling the need to ask), the only preparations you should be focused on should be how you plan to make a safe environment for you and your daughter.

... she keeps saying it was all a part of the fantasy. She said it’s what he wanted to hear. I obviously don’t believe her. She’s so fucked in the head guys. This is one of my favorite messages that is burned into my head:

“Can you come over while he’s fucking me and push him off me and make him watch how a real man fucks me?”

I'm not sure anyone with a healthy psyche could ever get over that, but more so why would you even want to. Your wife's fantasy included emasculating and humiliating you with her lover. Unless being a cuckold is your fetish that is just plain EVIL.You really need to think about why you would want to make it work with someone like that.

Just read through this and my goodness what you must be feeling right now.

Reading her text messages was deja vu. I swear most cheaters are so similar.

Anything I might say has already been said. I just wanted to send my sympathies for what you are going through and wish you the best.

Take care of your health. It's hard to do but make yourself. Eat, sleep and try and shut your mind off a few times a day.

Good luck!

Wow I hate the “I was a crazy ass bitch defense” but I am better now. I am guessing her AP would not want her full time.

Why can’t when they just lose 10 pounds and start feeling better about themselves. No it takes another mans Penis in them to make them feel better. Gotta put one in their mouth, vagina or some where else to make them feel better.

And for her to say he needs to come over and show you how a real man does it... My goodness I would show her the door. Otherwise she gets to go screw other men with no consequences. I am really sorry this happened to you.

Tell her you want to let her go so a real man can bang her. Let her have her freedom to bang this guy and others. You can find a nice woman who appreciates you. She is using you.

Having been there and came out the other side with my old lady I can tell you for a fact your chick is not safe!

When you puck someone over you don't get pissed at them....there is a huge degree of submission your old lady should be showing....AND SHE'S NOT!!!!

Just let her go.

Lets see how bad she want this.

She will either chase you no matter what or bail.

From were I'm sitting she won't do the heavy lifting to heal you and fix her phuck up.....she'll make you out to be the ahole for not working this out when you bail on her.

Again... until you see the kind of submission you need from her... she is un safe.

The only way your old lady can affair proof this marriage from here on out is facing the consequences you have to offer. Like writing a time line and talking to you about the A no matter what or how painful it is for her.

Bad behavior has consequences or bad behavior continues.....and making her face her shame by writing out a time line and answering question when ever the hell you feel like asking them is a consequence she can face or sweep under the rug ….only to have to go thru this shyt again years, months, or weeks from now.

Ask your self this question....if you had a few grand right now and dropped in on a D lawyers and had your old lady served today... how would she react right now?

Pissed off, out for blood, and "I'll show you"?

Or

Crying, begging, and submission to provide you with what it will take to heal?

I believe your old lady will show you the same disrespect she had for you during the affair as she has for you during this fake reconciliation.

The problem is that she has justified what she has done. You caused this, she is a victim.

Interesting that she held resentment for your drinking but you should give her forgiveness.

No not go back to MC. See an attorney. At the very least start the 180. Work on you and start heading yourself.

Hi there.

I don’t think I have posted before on your thread. I wasn’t even sure you were real at first (sorry, I don’t do reddit).

Anyway I just wanted to chime in and say something simple.

Stop trying.

This is all on her to fix. Honestly. You need to only focus on you. And let her know that.

She keeps telling you what YOU need to do. Stop letting her do that. Stop engaging. Stop responding.

She hurt you. She cheated on you. She disparaged you. And in a way, she is still doing it.

And here’s the part you may be surprised about. Most people here would tell you I’m typically pro-R.

But I’m only pro-R when the conditions are right. They are not right with you and your WW. She’s not making you feel safe at all. She’s not showing she feels awful about the pain she has inflicted on you. She’s shouting “can’t you see how much pain I’m in over this, get over it, I’m taking responsibility “. But that’s not the same as being Remorseful. It’s only a show.

She’s can’t conceive of the pain and she can’t take responsibility because she doesn’t understand yet what she’s even done.

So stop trying with her. Stop responding.

Just tell her:

You have issues that need addressing. I cannot help you with them. You’ve cause me immense pain. I DO NOT TRUST YOU RIGHT NOW. That’s something you are going to have to decide if you want to earn.

Honestly, she has to drive this recovery. You cannot do it for her. That’s hard to hear we all know. But the only way for you to truly believe she has become someone you can trust, is for her to figure out how to become that person on her own.

You can’t fix her and you can’t tepair the destruction she has caused for her.

So just stop. Stop trying. She may realize you’re not going to spar with her anymore and she’ll decide it’s time to grow up, grow a pair (hopefully not literally) and buckle down and do the work to win you back.

If she doesn’t, then you’ll have dodged a bullet. Because life with someone who constantly blames you for their own bad acts, is not really a life at all.

I hope you will consider that and take it to heart.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:24 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

She got angry at the sync request BC SHE'S STILL IN THE AFFAIR!

Hey JA1982,

I'm sorry, looks like she is going on the offensive.

If she uses an iPhone, and iTunes, you can download a free recovery software (I used iPhoneRescue) and recovered text messages, phone calls, pics, etc from the iTunes backup file on the laptop. It doesnt access the cloud or send notification. Worked for me.

... she keeps saying it was all a part of the fantasy. She said it’s what he wanted to hear. I obviously don’t believe her. She’s so fucked in the head guys. This is one of my favorite messages that is burned into my head:

“Can you come over while he’s fucking me and push him off me and make him watch how a real man fucks me?”

What kind of mind even thinks those sort of things, let alone verbalizes them??

My fWH said and did so many horrible things while he was cheating, but even at his worst, I don't think a statement like that would have even occurred to him. Nothing he ever said about me was directed at my vulnerabilities. If anything, he had made me out to be indestructible. So in a way, this is a whole different kind of contempt than what I'm familiar with.

And it really looks like she's pushing you pretty hard to accept R, like she's up in your grill about it. I hardly ever recommend this to people, but have you thought about a physical separation? Maybe six months or so to see if returning to the marriage is even an option for you? While it's true that separation increases the likelihood of eventual divorce, I have to wonder if more extreme methods might be necessary in order to provide enough space for you to make a good decision.

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Glover

It's free PDF and it's short.

Should help you out

What kind of mind even thinks those sort of things, let alone verbalizes them??

Exactly!

She has fantasies about getting raped, of causing pain to others (her BH) during sex....

Are you sure your daughter is safe? Go see a lawyer. Ask for full custody. I wouldn’t take any chances. When children are around, that sort of things really worries me.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:16 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]