SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just curious, what happened to the fall out when you phoned OM#1.

Did he just accept what you said and didn't even bother to get back to WW or you?

You call me and accuse me of all those things and I'm pissed off big time, especially if I'm innocent!

Still lying to me about going underground with OM#2. She thinks now I might have gotten the information about that phone message from OM2's wife, rather than the VAR I used. This is good (source protected).

Yes...this is good! After you talk to OM2's wife, you can use whatever info she gives you to make her admit to going underground. Even if no new info comes out, you can bluff her into believing that OM2 spilled his guts to his BW and she relayed the new info to you. Proving that she is capable of extreme deceit!

Also...about the poly, set it up asap!!! The consequences for failure or refusal of the test is immediate dissolvement of the marriage.

CO, stay the course...do not waver. Your doing awesome!

PS.- What about her job sitch? Is she in jeopardy of losing it if she's exposed? Since it seems like all her "shenanigans" happened during company time.

Just curious, what happened to the fall out when you phoned OM#1.

He emailed WW, saying that an irritated man claiming to be her husband called. That he has no idea what I was on about, that nothing inappropriate ever occurred, and if he could help in any way, to let him know.

She responded with a very weakly written NC email stating that she apologized that I saw her emails and some of her words may have been inappropriate and "let's keep it professional from now on." He's a bigwig in the company and she doesn't want to lose her job, understandably. I'm not going to make too big of an issue out of this....he's in the past.

I AM, however, going to send his wife all the emails at her church where she works, when I have time. He's probably already warned her that some crazy individual is trying to blame him for something. Whatever.

Thundersdad and jb3199,

CO: so sorry you are going through this. I agree with others, she is still lying, rest assured. I honestly don't think that a WS involved that deeply in one A, not to mention 4, even has the ability to tell the whole truth. It became a way of life for so long, I just don't think its always possible for there not to be significant TT.

I agree completely with this. The deception has truly become a deeply-ingrained part of her life, I think. Two lives, one public, one very secret. She claims that she just can't get out the words to me to explain herself. I think it's BS talk. She says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but I think there's an overriding sense of self-preservation ("My life is falling apart all around me.") She needs to snap out of this or we're done. I've made it clear to her that anything she tells me now I can forgive, but anything I find out later can end us. I'm going to give her a small bit of time to chew on that. She'll likely be sleeping elsewhere after Dad leaves if she doesn't completely open up. And I WILL schedule a polygraph. I think she very likely will resist when it comes down to the actual event.

If you don't want the iPad, I'll gladly take it off your hands.

Thanks for the chuckle!

Remember this aint your fault.....demand IC for WW - need to find out WHY she cheated in the first place...

Yeah, I brought it up last night. So many things to deal with right now, but it's a great idea.

jjct,

She's only devastated by the outing of her actions - otherwise she wouldn't have told the OM to keep it on the dl.

Remember, remorse is concerned about the devastation to you.

Her action was to minimize damage to herself. That's regret.

Watching the show of tears, the multiple 'I'm sorrys'...you're very strong!...but keep palerider's alpha cloak in mind...stay strong!

More good words from you, jjct. You are right. I mentioned above about the self-preservation thing. Accurate assessment. I have a fairly strong feeling the over-the-top theatrics, wailing, panic attacks, may be a way for her to get me to feel sorry for her and back off on the questioning. It's very hard not to. But I tell her "now you know how I've felt for months...it'll get better." It might delay the questioning, but I'm not going to let it go away.

God, I hope this thread doesn't break SI. Never expected a thread like this. You guys/gals are truly fantastic.

[This message edited by ChoppingOnions at 6:36 PM, June 2nd (Thursday)]

Tell her she has no right to decide what you should know or not.

Ah, one more thing: high five! :)

Forgot to mention that her excuse for the nighty was that she takes it on all of her trips, since it's compact in a suitcase.

Onions, it's compact, so she takes it on all her trips. Makes complete sense. It's like my PPK! It's compact. I don't leave home without it. Why? because it's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

Sheesh. What is she smoking?

CO

I just wanted to say - stay the course. From the start, you have done what felt right to YOU, regardless of the advice that was pouring in here on SI.

Like others, I believe there is something more than just phonecalls, at least with OM#2. If not PA, then possibly an EA or face-to-face flirting.

Yes, her histrionics are designed to make you feel sorry for her. My WH did the same thing - not as a conscious manipulation, though. Don't play into the "poor me, look what I have done, I'm only human I made a mistake" thing. Agree with her - yes, you screwed up, yes you are human, yes your life is falling apart - but do not sympathize.

Good luck CO.

Well...I'm having a hard time composing my words tonight. Bear with me. Strangely, I have a sense of relief that I haven't felt for years.

Earlier today, I asked her over the phone that since she can't put into words how to tell me what she needs to say, that she should write out these things and see if she could express it somehow to me.

We took my Dad to dinner tonight. On our return, she took a shower and I worked on putting the princess to bed. While I was rocking her, she put a letter in my office, and went to bed. I went to the bedroom, and she said "There's a letter on your desk."

I went to my office. I was not prepared for this.

She admitted that she had a sexual encounter with OM#2 one night eight years ago on a business trip. They both regretted it afterward, and they never had any relationship subsequently.

They had been in renewed contact only recently, and were in the process of rekindling things when I confronted her about OM#1. She blames herself entirely for everything, and she believes "her game" has now destroyed two families. She feels like a train hit her and I am rebuilding her, an emptiness that can only be filled by me. She's afraid of me kicking her out and removing her only reason for living.

Obviously, I'm still processing this information. I'm pretty numb...don't really know what to feel. I've expected a PA for so long, that I'd kinda convinced myself anyway. I just didn't expect this story.

She says that everything that has now come to light is the extent of her infidelity. I think she is probably telling me the truth now.

I asked her what it was that made her finally come clean. She said it was the fact that I told her she was leaving the house on Sunday if I didn't have the complete truth. (So here's my contribution to the SI BS community - if you don't have the truth, stand your ground and give them an ultimatum they can't refuse.)

I am certainly hurting over this revelation. I don't know yet what lies ahead. But I feel finally that we can perhaps move forward. We had another long talk after I read her letter. She is very broken, remorseful, now talking about me instead of her. At this point, I think we do have a future.

It's amazing how one can feel such anger, indifference, shock, hope, and love all at the same time. My wife has made some big mistakes, and I'm not letting her off the hook. But, she is also an amazing person with a good heart deep down. We've shared more in the past 3 days than we have in the past 3 years, as far as issues that really matter in life.

I'm oddly hopeful again.

((((((((((((((SI)))))))))))))

I'm totally sorry CO. I know it sucks. What now? Do really believe you have the whole truth?

Your WW has admitted (1) PA eight years ago and then numerous EA since with no PA's? I don't buy it

Please..... insist she take a poly soon. And also STD tests.

She feels like a train hit her and I am rebuilding her, an emptiness that can only be filled by me. She's afraid of me kicking her out and removing her only reason for living.

This bothers me.

When is she going to realize that the train... she's driving it?

And that she has to fill her own emptiness? Not even you can do that.

And again-- she's afraid of YOU doing something to HER, you removing her reason to live. She has got to get to a place where she owns it all.

I'm not saying it's impossible, CO. Just that there is a metric giga-asston of serious work for her to do on herself. I think you should keep that in mind.

Good luck!

oops x-post!

[This message edited by jolene at 3:27 AM, June 3rd (Friday)]

double entendre: I am certainly hurting over this revelation. I don't know yet what lies ahead.

Keep pushing for the poly, it will help refresh her memory!

Not to t/j too much here, but I believe that keeping that secret from 8 years ago led to all this other crap. As long as she had that secret, she was able to try and justify it rather than own it, and those justifications made all the other things since then acceptable to her.

Echo the sentiment that she needs to fill her own emptiness. Just a thought, but focusing on something that happened so long ago could be a way of trying again to avoid or at least minimize what has been happening currently.

Only CO knows the full impact of his story, but I have wondered often as I read this thread about the ability to be in the eye of the storm this long without suffering additonal damage. Would this revelation have been met with such calm otherwise? You can get drawn to the drama like a moth to the flame. I hope CO is really acting in his own best interests and not now as a player, or even presumed savior in his wayward wife's convoluted mess.

Great advice here!

Too many Red Flags waving are point to a PA already so please protect yourself & get tested for STDs confidentially. Just in case...

Also, now that she knows something may be "amiss" since you *slightly* let the cat outa the bag, be aware that SHE might install a key logger on your shared PC just to see what you have found out, are planning to do, posting here, etc.

Can you get a cheap/2nd hand PC to use concerning this EA/PA to insure having YOUR own privacy?

(Yes, I know that there are programs that can look for a key logger, but "what if"? Its just too "iffy" for something So Important as this.)

This is so painful & hard to do (evidence gathering).

Secrets & Double Lives suck!

Seems she & OM have laid very careful ground work with this situation in order to keep you "in the dark"! Grr

BTW~ there is an "In the Dark" thread going on this very topic in the ICR Forum here which might also be of some help to you.

Sending hugs and please keep posting. Its cathartic and others might have even more suggestions.

We are all here for you!

ChoppingOnions- Look at almost every single case of infidelity on this website. Is there ever the whole truth almost immediately after the initial confrontation? It never happens. They never tell the whole truth right away... and then with a lot of tooth pulling, they might admit to some PA.

They ALWAYS TT- I don't think it's even possible for WS's to go full disclosure right away. They'll give you a little information to mollify you and even go into graphic detail about SOME sex. They never give you details about all the sex.

If you choose to believe her now, you will lose some of the power because she now knows the limit of what you know. If she lied and got away with it (stating that it was only 1 PA 8 years ago), then she knows what she can hide.

You have to pretend to know more or else you'll never get the whole truth.

I don't believe for a second that she only had 1 PA. That never happens. Imagine back to your youth when you were having sex with someone new. All the hormones, sexual energy, excitement, etc. Did you only do it once? No way. You couldn't get enough of the person.

Please don't believe things your WS says because you WANT to believe it. She has already been caught lying AFTER you disclosed your knowledge (when she lied about what she said to OM and you caught it on the VAR)

We BS's want to believe and so we choose to believe the least hurtful thing. That it was only a small, one time thing in your case. You said your wife was a smart woman. So was my Wayward. They are going to

I hope you take everything she says with a grain of salt

PS My apologies here as I was responding to your original JFO post not realizing it was so many additional pages long...& I'm woozy/sleepy from a benadryl, too.

One thing you also should remember is that the so call response from OM#1 could have been a plan put together by your WW and him. They could have talked on the phone and decided what to say. For some reason him replying about not knowing who contacted him just does not fly. The only way you are going to hope to untangle this mess is with a poly. If you do go that way try to get one that also trains others.

I have to agree those emails to the OM #1 saying her heart races etc. etc. is not a professional email or something you say to just a colleague...Period.....That is sexually charged..If she says she will do a poly you go get one lined up asap...

Best to get the truth out now and not later. Hey tell her you got one lined up. See what else she decides to remember...

I feel for you chopped..You are going to find out more there is no doubt.

CO ~ I am glad you finally got some answers. I am six weeks in and was feeling fairly confident about our future. H claimed full disclosure and we were working on R.

Last night, I discovered an online hotel receipt he forgot to delete from 2009. After an emotional confrontation, he admitted to another sexual encounter that had not previously been disclosed. I died a little. I was not expecting this and had trusted I had all the information.

So just a small word of caution. Assume you don't know the half of it. TT keeps on coming because I kept on snooping. He has revealed nothing I had not uncovered for myself.

I hope you make it, I really do. But protect your heart. We were firmly on the road to R, but now I'm destroyed all over again. Good luck, friend.