SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I'm following through and divorcing my WS. I'm taking the lesson(s) I can from all this and putting them in my "life experiences" basket and will use them to help frame my view of the world going forward as a single woman. I won't allow it to make me bitter. I won't use it to judge other people who have never had a chance to prove to me who they are. But I will tread more cautiously as I move through life and I will remember that people will disappoint and betray me and somehow I will find a way to survive it and I'll be OK. That's just who I am.

You take my breath away, TOC, with the way you think, AND your depth of self-knowledge and compassion for others. You are clear-minded, level-headed, and brilliant, and you balance this with true compassion, mindfulness, and love. Your WH lost possibly the best thing that had or would happen to him in his life.

I read in the reconciliation forum now and then and I know what a hard road it is. So too is divorce. Both take monumental strength. I can't judge anyone for the choice they make between those two. I can only hope that they make the decision they need to, without pressure of any kind from the world around them. I think your decision is absolutely the right one you need to make You are a role model because you have worked through everything that's been thrown at you so fully. You listen carefully to others but without allowing them to overwhelm your approach. It's ideal.

I'm sorry for the pain and sadness that you underwent and that unfortunately will probably continue for a while. I wish your WH (or perhaps STBX?) health and a speedy recovery. But I do not wish him any power to hurt you ever again. And for you, I wish the one option - and you better than anyone else will know what it is- that will help you continue to be the wonderful person you are.

I really wish this thread could be pinned to the top of the JFO page or made into a bullseye post to be linked from the FAQ. It belongs in the SI Hall of Fame.

[This message edited by looking4thesun at 7:36 AM, October 30th (Sunday)]

Enough is a very subjective word. Clearly your WH didn't have the same definition as you. You know your worth TOC, which was more than I did after my initial DDay. Continue the course that is right for you.

I know you still have a painful road ahead but i honestly hope that this is not the last we here of you on SI! Your strength, courage and compassion is remarkable. New members could really benefit from your insight! You understand from both of your experiences with infidelity (sadly) that a person needs to take the path that works for them.

I wish you the best life experiences moving forward.

💕👊💕👊💕

I agree that you are eloquent and thoughtful TOC. I'm so glad that you recognize your worth.

There are just some people who don't feel good enough about themselves. They have a hole inside them that they look to others to fill. In spite of having a Ferrari at home they feel that a Pinto in addition may make up for what they lack.

And, let's be honest; someone finding you attractive feels good. And that person suddenly looks more attractive to you. It's a very human reaction. It's why we need good boundaries, good morals and healthy self esteem so we don't get caught in that web.

This is my way of saying that it is not about you and nothing you could have done or not done could have changed it. And I agree that you deserve better.

(((TOC))) you were enough. You are an amazing, brave, loyal and logical person. You can tell you are an awesome person by all your wonderful friends and family that are surrounding you in your time of need.

Your WH didn't cheat on you with candy because there was something you weren't doing. He cheated on you because there is something wrong with him. He isn't loyal enough to you. And I really shouldn't say such things about a man I have never met but he is an idiot to throw you and the life you had together away.

I am so sorry for the pain he has caused you.

He cheated on you because there is something wrong with him.

And at his age with his background it is highly unlikely that he is going to grow up and suddenly become a decent human being.

I saw a thread earlier today about not coming here when you're in a good place in your R because it will mess you up. I certainly can't speak for what it's like to come here when in R but I can speak to coming here seeking guidance, advice, support and just to simply vent and journal.

I read the posts. I take something away from all of them. Even when I don't apply the advice or the advice doesn't apply to me, I take something away from all of it. This place has helped me beyond measure. Each and everyone of you who has replied on this thread and sent me PMs have helped me beyond measure. I look back and am gobsmacked and elated at 35 pages of support, cheerleading, sharing, advice and offering all the answers I needed to get to where I am now. Before SI, I could hardly make one decision. I feel badly it isn't the same for everyone but I agree with those who say - 'take what resonates with you and leave the rest behind.' That's true for just life at large, not only here.

Today I had a really nice lunch and visit with my stepson. He's hurting for a lot of reasons but also for the state of the relationship between me and his father. He felt the need to apologize for him and I assured him that was not necessary. I was honestly surprised his father was so honest with him, told him how he fucked up and how sorry he was about that. He gave his son advice not to be like him. Told him he was sick it looked like it meant he was losing me over it and there was nothing he could do about it - totally helpless when all he wants to do is fix it. Mentioned something about me being stubborn, as though that's the problem. We both just chuckled at that. Yep, it's over because I'm stubborn.

I expected him to send a message from his dad asking me to reconsider or to even ask me himself. He was thoughtful and phrased it that if he himself thought he would stay after such blatant infidelity, he would ask me to reconsider. He said if it were him, he'd do the same thing as me under the same circumstances, so he wouldn't place that burden on me - having the kid ask mom not to go. He's sorry for me, for his dad and for the break up the nice family we made, even for only the last 6 years as a family. I told him I'd always think of him as my son and he appreciated that but he also said life will probably get in the way of that and he understands. Not gonna lie. The water faucet of tears turned on and took a while to turn back off.

He's going to stay the week to be there for his dad so I have some peace of mind about that. He did ask me to visit him and I told him I would think about it but that it was a big ask. WH is making progress - not comfortable today, but healing. He's lucky in the end. Super lucky.

I did tell DSS what I did with his dad's phone. He actually high-fived me and said if I wanted, he wouldn't say anything to his dad. I told him he'll probably figure it out one day since the texts were still on his phone or the OW would mention it at some point. I told him I didn't care one way or the other if WH found out. It is what it is.

So at the end of another long day, I logged on and read your replies to my late night proclamation to end my marriage. Thank you all for having my back again today. You propped me up, as always. Just when I needed it.

You all are rock stars!

I just read this whole thread. All I can say is....wow, I wish I was you. You are healthy, strong, decisive, not at all needy, you feel the pain knowing you'll heal. I'm in awe of how you've handled this.

OMG! I got a FB message from OW. I am literally shaking as I type this out. Honestly, at this point I could give a rat's ass about her but morbid curiosity got the best of me so I opened it and.... (cut and pasted for you with WH name removed.)

"First, just let me say I am sorry but if you want to know what is happening between me and (insert WH name here), I am willing to tell you what you want to know. I know this is very unusual but we did not mean for this to happen but now that is has happened we might as well be adults about it. I am sorry your husband cares for tow women now but I care for him very much and want him to be happy. Being the mature woman, I hope you also want just his happiness for him like I do. He should be able to decide w/out pressure. I know he cares about me bur feels an obligation to you because he met you first. This is how he explains it to me. If only he had met me first. I have thought a lot about just trying to let him go but realize that we do have something special and when that happens, you owe it to yourself go after it and be willing to fight for it. I know you know and that is why we have not benn able to communicate to much lately but let me tell you he was still speaking with me even his weekend and we are still in touch. I obviously don't know what he has told you but we still talk. I can send you texts from just the other day. I am not tying to hurt you but Iam sorry I have. Like I said, I just want him to be happy. I want to be happy and he makes me happy. I will leave you access to write me back. He does not know that I am writing to you and if you want to know everything I have to say, it might be best that this is between us for now."

OK, so I am just going to step away from the computer while my head explodes and let you all rip her to shreds for me because I will take your very best lines, construct one super reply back to her and RIP HER A NEW ONE. Although, perhaps NO reply is the very best reply at all? I mean...OMG! I. CAN'T. EVEN.

Lord give me strength. Oommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

That was some lunch and talk you had with your stepson. I just can't get over how well you are all handling this since it's all come out, and excepting the 'stubborn' remark - even your STBX - who has now admitted everything and even told his son the full and unvarnished truth.

You have his son totally understanding the extent of betrayal and your reaction to it - while acknowledging what a wonderful family is now lost. Your son and daughter still caring for our ex - your daughter even prepared to look after him - it all just speaks of the kind of people you are.

When I compare that to the OMG!!! HI!! and blatant attempts to carry on the affair (all while thinking you're trying to reconcile the marriage) of this vile OW, I'm just so sad. So very sad that your husband would throw all of this away, all these people's happiness with their new little family for some validation and sex from such a cheap, shallow and low class piece of rubbish like this OW. Talk about a step down.

The fall out from infidelity is HUGE. So many lives affected, so much pain. I just hope that somehow, someway, karma comes to this OW too. And I agree with the other poster who said that if you do leave any Yelp reviews, keeping within the guidelines, be more specific about why she shouldn't be allowed into people's lives. It's the least she deserves for her part in this destruction.

Thank you for the update, and I wish you continued strength and clarity as you go forward TOC.

edited to add: ..I obviously posted this without seeing your last post! I'm going to read that now..

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 4:58 AM, October 31st (Monday)]

OK, so obviously I can't just walk away and not provide some commentary here. So here are just the quick bullet points that are popping around in my mind:

1. Spell much? How illiterate is this woman? I know that's unkind and rude but come on! For god's sake at least try to come off as smart when you decide you just have to write to the BS to profess your love for her husband.

2. MATURE? MATURE!!!!! What they hell does she mean by that? If she is referring to our age difference - rather to me being much OLDER, well, she may have to die now. (Rhetorically, of course!)

3. HAHAHA - I so want her to send me the texts! No doubt they are texts between us! I feel so powerful with that info.

4. Seems she has no idea her lover man is laid up in a hospital totally busted up literally from head to toe!

5. And so last night a number one guiding reason for my very firm decision to exit this M is a strong desire to move on from this Jerry Springer parallel universe I have entered. I am low drama. This kind of shit I don't want in my life. This bitch just reinforced for me why I have got to go. Move on. Adios. Sayonara.

6. My WH is a true fucking idiot for getting involved with this sad excuse for a woman.

1.....2....3......ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and breathe

Apparently, the dumb skittle doesn't realize that she was texting you!!! candy has candy for brains. Does she even know that he's in the hospital?

Can you paste this in a yelp review? Shit!!!

I had similar things happen with ow. After a while it becomes truly fascinating. No guilt, no remorse, just bat shit crazy arrogance!!!

Unbelievable!!! Sorry that you are dealing with this stupid piece of trash. Avoid messaging her back if you can. No response is the best response.

Big {{{hugs}}} 💕

Sorry, our posts crossed.

When your wh is in a better state send him a copy of that message. He's got a bunny boiler on his hands.

ataloss.

He's got a bunny boiler on his hands.

I laughed so hard I spit water out all over my computer! Thanks for that. I needed a good laugh.

I am so pumped up right now from her stupid message and I just need to go to sleep. Damn that crazy bitch ! Damn me for reading it.

Poor wittle muffin doesn't realise she was just a boost to his ego and nothing more.

Just pathetic!

Ok my initial reaction to candy's letter apart from OMG spelling.... Is that since she thinks Your WH told her that he loves you, that their love affair was wrong and that he didn't want to speak to her again that she needs to get you out of the picture. Notice the don't tell him. You are stopping him from being happy. It is tru wuv that you are standing in the way of..... Yeah WH will have his hands full!

[This message edited by HardyRose at 6:03 AM, October 31st (Monday)]

Posting after reading the your latest post.

This OW really is a determined low life. Those tweets she mentioned are no doubt what you texted her the other day or she would have referenced that wh is in hospital. The one thing this shows is that she is absolutely determined to ruin any chance of a reconciliation you may have had. (We know there wasn't going to be one - but she obviously doesn't - which shows the only information she has is from your (texting as WH) texts the other day - imo) But if reconciliation really was your husband's goal - she's determind to undermine it.

TOC, there is no way that I wouldn't show your ex these texts. I know some may say that it will encourage him to contact her again, but I think the opposite actually. It will just reinforce for him how she is sabotaging his desperate desire to fix his marriage.. and expose her as the low life she always was. Also.. the part where she says to keep it 'between us for now' would hopefully be an eye opener for him... she's prepared to do things behind HIS back too. I'd have to let him know that.

I still swear this woman is a practiced OW and she just wants to take your place. Show your ex the text. That's what I'd do. I know you don't want drama but it wouldn't be adding to your drama imo just theirs. The risk of them getting back together is there (if that bothers you) but I, personally think it's a marginal risk and this is much more likely to make that far less likely to happen.

..and if were you, even if I didn't want him myself - I'd move mountains to not let her have him either.

Do NOT reply to the homewrecking wh@re. Give her crickets, do forward her message to your STBEXWH.

F€ck her. She is not worth the time to type a reply. Do not acknowledge her in anyway.

Shields up!

Any response to this OW would probably be over her head anyway as your posts are all intelligent and well thought out. And spelled correctly. Totally out of her league. I would give your about to be ex husband a heads up about the potential bunny boiler. She doesn't appear to be going anywhere soon. Is her next ploy a pregnancy scare? She needs a healthy portion of crickets from you.

I think it'd be OK to respond with, "You write like a retard"