SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a simple yes or no! That is all that is asked for. The question, simple, will you be there? Only one of us has to. If you go, I won’t.

You make me read through a novel, only to find, on the last page, there is still no answer.

When will it sink in? We are dead. You killed us. Each time you let him penetrate you. The dagger penetrated my heart. I have died a thousand times. Is that not enough for you?

I fucking hate you right now.

Look, I know what you're doing. You think by being uncooperative and making it hard for me to divorce you that you'll be able to keep the insurance that much longer. Well, guess what. You can't. My attorney has thought of every delaying tactic that you might could dream up to thwart that little scheme of yours. Everything is in the papers. Just sign them. You have 14 days to sign (now) or you have to get your own attorney.

You're such a badass feminist, huh? Wanting to have your husband's insurance.

I hope sex with Bobby has been worth losing your house, your car, your insurance.

I hope your daughters turn out nothing like you.

Dear Junkie Slut,

Thank you for revealing your true nature to me before another 23 years had passed. Your repeated, pervasive, destructive behavior painted a stark picture of what continuing to be married to you would be like. A relentless dysfunction of emotional subservience.

For the record, the junkie fucking was really a minor part of the whole betrayal. The lying, the vilification, the abandonment of the family - those were the real crimes, though not the biggest crime of all.

I am healing. I am angry, but I'm not angry at you for betraying me.

I am angry at you for your treatment of my daughter, YOUR OWN DAUGHTER. Your shameful mothering has not been one of mere neglect. Your shameful mothering has been a series of deliberate decisions to put your own broken ego ahead of her needs.

You destroyed her family. You know how deeply she identified as part of a unit, a unit that you systematically destroyed. And at every step, you kept pretending you gave a fuck about her with your mellifluous lip service.

You inverted her relationship with you. By threatening suicide and blaming it on her you flipped what should have been a healthy relationship on its head - Now, she sees you as the broken child and herself as needing to heal you. This is classic alcoholic behavior that now sets the gears in motion for an adulthood of struggle for our daughter. Her love for you is now based on pity and ill-founded guilt, not respect. Congratulations.

You tried hard to destroy her relationship with me. Your suicidal meltdown sent a clear message that you were not a safe target for your own daughter's anger. If she were to get mad at you, you could very well kill yourself and you'd already told her it would be her fault. That's when all her anger came at me - the safe person at whom to lash out.

You've tried to spread accusatory narratives about me around town and in our friend circle. I heard the story about how our split is my fault for being "overly sensitive" and "fragile" like some sort of broken doll that otherwise should have been able to withstand betrayal without any scars or complaint.

The final straw for me was your withering mockery of my deepest sorrows - my yearning for more closeness with my grown children. That you would take devilish delight in my pain was the most definitive sign possible that you were, are, and remain the most untrustworthy person I have ever met.

Yes, your words and actions hurt me, but more saliently, they showed me that you were willing to go there. "There" being the exploitation of my having confessed my deepest pain to you. Of course, I know your deepest pain, but despite everything you put me through, I never went there.

Well, maybe I am now by accusing you, with great justification, of being a bad mother. Not a good mother who did a bad thing (and then more bad things), but a fundamentally destructive agent in our daughter's emotional health. A very bad mother. You think you have Mommy issues? Our poor daughter will have them far beyond yours.

All the others that you've been so angry at, accusing them of harming our daughter - the German exchange student, her frienemy in high school, the frienemy's father - none of these people caused your own daughter a fraction of the pain you have caused her.

And now you're retreating into your cocoon of denial and blaming others. You take comfort that our daughter can only vent her anger at the safe parent - me. You have protected yourself from her justifiable rage by threatening to kill yourself and blaming her. Bravo, you massively fucked up person.

I am torn as to my aspirations for you.

Part of me wants you to start a new relationship, so that you can focus your evil impulses on someone other than our daughter and me. But another part of me takes pity on whomever would be fool enough, as I was, to take you at your word, to see you as a noble person, not the broken little girl who turns every precious relationship into shit.

Exactly 10 years ago today, you started the affair the ended life as I know it. It wasn't your first one, but it was the one that I finally found out about, and the one the hurt me most. And even now, 3 years after DDay and nearly a year after our separation, I still want to phone you and make you explain WHY.

Why was I not enough? Why did you let me love you when you knew you didn't love me back? Why did you have to be so cruel and vindictive about it, inviting her into my bed and my car and our family and our church? When you knew you loved her enough to "marry" her, WHY -- for god's sake!! -- did you not just let me go so that maybe someone somewhere might have done so in your place?

Then you claimed to be so sorry, and that you had reformed. And I truly believed you for a while. So why, when I gave you a second chance, didn't you take it?

Why wasn't I good enough? Why did you throw me away like a piece of worthless garbage? Why didn't you love me?

Why?

I fucking hate you. I also hate your fucking skanky ass whore mistress... Who the fuck has sex with someone at work in the fucking bathroom... of a fucking hospital. You are both disgusting pieces of shit.

There's still an emptiness in me where, I suppose, you used to be, but I'm slowly getting better.

I still think about you and I look for you when I drive through this small town. I have recurring fantasies about getting revenge in some way, and I know that'll pass too, but I'm almost sorry that the urge for revenge will decrease as time passes.

As a friend told me, how can I be mad at the mentally ill, and you're certainly off your meds.

I wish I could undo so much of what went wrong with us, but I think you're what went wrong with us.

I know that I'm doing better than many are in my place, and eventually I'll get up and get moving but right now I'm just treading water.

I cried last night for the first time in a while. I felt better afterwards. I suppose that I'm still holding out a sliver of hope for your returning to me, but deep down, I know you never will. No matter how bad things get, you'll never come back. There will always be some man who'll take care of you.

I wish I could fast forward to what my life will be like in a year. I hope that it is full of love and joy and happiness. And honestly, in a year, I hope you're in even worse shape than you are right now. That's mean of me to say. I take it back because that'll mean the girls are doing with less.

Sometimes I can't imagine breathing anymore.

It's so funny how everything is my fault still. Who will you blame once you finally divorce me? My memory? Your new OW? Boy she has something coming her way then! Haha... And tell me- why would you want to be with a 'woman' who is willing to screw a married man in him and wife's bed? What do you even want for your life anymore? An easy relationship I guess. Easy being she does whatever you want. Gross. And we're not even divorced yet. Thank you for your consideration of flaunting your adultery all over the place. You have shown me now that you are all that really matters. Wow.

[This message edited by IceThee at 10:21 AM, September 25th (Monday)]

I ran into Shelley today. I wanted to tell you about it but I thought it would just feed into your narcissism, so posting here instead. I can't believe she didn't just pretend she didn't see me. I would have avoided her if I could but there she was looking right at me. Big smile on her face. No acknowledgement of the affair. But in the end, she made sure i knew she " didn't sleep with my husband". " I wouldn't do that, knowing he was married to you". Well aren't I special. So sweet of her to not sleep with my husband lol. What a liar!!!! I guess you are all very similar aren't you?

You just called. I didn't answer. I couldn't bear to hear you bitch into the phone, nor your smug voice as you told me I'd done something wrong, or had gotten something wrong in our divorce papers.

Dollars to donuts, I bet it's about you getting served today, and you having something to bitch about. I can't bear to talk to you on the phone. Maybe you think I'm a coward, but it's me standing up for myself, protecting myself.

If it was important, you would've left me a voicemail or you'll send a text. Maybe you wanted to bring the car by. That would be okay since I'm still paying for the insurance on it.

Today you were normal. We had a normal conversation. I almost hesitated when you asked me if there was any hope at all for us. I told you to move on and feel no hesitation should you meet someone (Lord help her!!) And want to pursue it. You have no responsibility to me at this point.

You admitted all of your apologies contained blameshifting. Apparently your sister is the only one who can open your eyes.

I felt sad for you. You said you feel responsible for the breakup of our family. Yes. Yes you are.

I'm sad you see this too late. I told you I have no confidence you could ever change in a meaningful way, and that your apologies with WTB blame thrown was proof of that.

I'm sad at the loss of hope. I don't know what made you this way. You are 46 years old, and at some point in early childhood you stopped growing. You were stunted. And now you're just running in circles and can't get out of your own way.

I've let you go. I've set you free. And I'm sad. For you. For our marriage. For our children.

I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to be lonely. But I think you will be. I think you will always be searching to fill that void. I think I will be your greatest regret. And I'm sad for you. I have empathy for you. But I must continue to move away from you. It's the loss of hope that hurts so much. Looking at my children and knowing it won't work. Even "for them."

Keep moving away. One foot in front of the other.

Why is so important to me to be heard and understood by you when you make it so clear that I can't?

I hate that the last time I saw you, we hugged and laughed. That was the last time I felt any real hope for our relationship.

Tomorrow, you should sign the papers and since I cried my eyes out today, I suppose I might not cry tomorrow. I might. I will likely get drunk.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Why??? Why why why why why????

I want nothing more than for you to wake up and realize what you're throwing away. I want you to want me like I want you.

I'm so lost without you. I feel pathetic.

You're my drug of choice.

I want to hate you, but right now I just miss you and want you to come and make me feel better.

I fucking hate you right now. I've never hated anyone in my life. But I hate you. I hate that your choices have caused me to feel this way. I didn't know it was possible for a human being to hurt another human being the way you have hurt me. The one person in my life that I trusted with my life abandoned me. I fucking hate you.

You keep acting the same. All sweet and then overwhelmed by any unpleasantness. Then you runaway. I wanted R so badl, but you are truly pushing me further and further. My spine is growing. My power is coming back. You will have lost me. Right now i hate you. I cannot wait until you dont matter to me. Damn you. I really loved you.

No

I don't want a hug.

The very thought of it makes me want to be sick.

Face it Freak - you are a weird, pathetic, CREEP.

NO thanks.

Why couldn't you try? When did you give up? How could you abandon me. Do you know how much pain I am in? I just want to cry everyday. I feel so lost because of what you've done. You are so disrespectful, and I just can't understand how you suddenly became like this. Or were you always disrespectful and I just couldn't see it? What is the deal???

I am super angry that you introduced your gf to our son! So not fair to him to mess him up like that. What you did to our family is hard enough to take. Now you are out golfing with her, while he waits for you to show up to pick him up!!! I am so angry but I am not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing that.

I hate you. I'm getting over you.

If you only knew...lol