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SWAT70 (original poster member #42915) posted at 7:19 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
Today just sucks. Here I am about 200 yards from my house. I'm home but not. Got out of work at 8:00am and have spent a good part of the morning with the kids. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of lack of sleep. I'm tired of reminding myself it isn't my fault. I'm tired of then thinking maybe I could have done things different and she wouldn't have cheated. I'm tired of WW trying. I'm just tired of everything.
I mean its a beautiful day out and I can't enjoy it. I spent time with my kids and made them breakfast. But I've got to work and so they are with their mother. I've got six hours until work and I haven't slept. I can't. This whole thing just takes up so much of my time and energy. My kids seems mad at me today, they wouldn't say what was wrong. I'm not even sure there is anything wrong or if they were mad. I'm not thinking straight today.
This just sucks.
Me-BH WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 7:24 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
Please try to get some sleep, SWAT. We aren't at our best when sleep deprived. What always helps me sleep and turns off my mind is to put something really boring on tv, try to watch it and before you know it, I am asleep. (((SWAT)))
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 7:27 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
It totally sucks. I promise promise promise that you will get to enjoy beautiful days again. (((SWAT70)))
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom
thyme2go ( member #12908) posted at 7:44 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
This just sucks.
Only for awhile. Hang in there. You will be amazed at how wonderful life really can be.
-t2g
BH - no longer 50
3 DD's - (32, 28 and 21)
Divorced on 8/6/09
yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 7:58 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
I will echo the other's SWAT. It most definitely will get better. Everyone is in different states of shock. This eventually will get better.
yop
"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 9:11 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
Yea, that four letter word and what you do with it. Blackout curtains and sleep aids?
Honestly, the kids will be alternately *mad* at both of you. They are going to be going through a wild range of emotions. Try to keep them isolated as much as possible from the interactions between SS17 and yourself as possible. This is confusing enough for them.
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
HobbesTheTiger ( member #41477) posted at 9:15 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
Things will get better. Just follow up on what the counsellor suggests, and continue to show them lots of love (like I'm sure you already do), and it will get better.
In the meantime, I agree, have you thought about sleeping aids? Chemical, herbal, ...?
Also, keep in mind the possibility of becoming depressed, it's a realistic possibility, unfortunately.
And there isn't a single thing you could have done to prevent her from cheating, except for chaining her up. It's natural to wonder, but there really isn't.
Best wishes!
P.S.: We're proud of you!
needfriendshere ( member #43350) posted at 9:31 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
(((Swat70)))
Try reading to help you sleep. I know how obsessed we are at this point, so I will recommend the one that really, REALLY helped me:
Not Just Friends. It is excellent. I read it on my Kindle and keep underlining more and more of it.
You will have better days ahead - I promise you. You deserve so much better than all this crap...
Me: early 50'sWH: early 50'sMarried: 23 yearsDS: 21 years oldOther DS: 18 years oldD-day: 2/14/2014H's LTA lasted 6 years, his EA's lasted during most of our M, but we are both trying hard to R.
Schadenfreude ( member #43075) posted at 10:17 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
Swat, when my dad was working midnights, he got a window air conditioning unit. Provided "white noise" which really blocked out other noises and helped him sleep. Not much help in the winter here, but for 6 plus months a year it was a blessing. It also let us kids know when he was sleeping and not to be disturbed absent genuine emergency,
hopefulmother ( member #38790) posted at 10:36 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
I hope you have an easy quick shift and get to take the chance to sleep soon. If you must, take a Tylenol PM to help you.
We all feel for you. The befuddled sleepless mind zombie sucks.
Me-BW 44
WH-44 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 children
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.
Hidingmyhurt ( member #43525) posted at 11:34 PM on Saturday, June 7th, 2014
Swat, I've read this thread but not had the words to say to provide comfort, but your last post is so how I was feeling right after the last D Day. I was not sleeping but 1-2 hours a night, not eating, losing weight...and much darker. I went to the dr and was put on an antidepressant (not a sleep aid). It has made an incredible difference in my ability to tolerate life. I'm sleeping, able to talk and watch tv without breaking down in tears...and my kids and I are having wonderful times together. Even though I'm in the mix of making some major choices and changes, I have some calm. Just something I would pass along as I know you have to be hurting so much more than I was.
I hope you are able to get some rest and calm soon.
Hidingmyhurt
Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14
william ( member #41986) posted at 10:20 AM on Sunday, June 8th, 2014
one thing to consider is to go to a dr and get sleeping pills. another thing to consider is anti-depressant/anxiety medicines.
im on both. before the whole infidelity train wreck hit me i was one of those with no sleeping problems, could sleep through ANYTHING and fall asleep within seconds. i never even took asprin or anything. it took me about 6 months of 2-3 hours of sleep a night and assorted problems before i finally "admitted" to myself that i needed some form of help. i still struggle with that because ive never "needed" help and took pride in standing on my own two feet. but facts are facts, i guess everyone needs help at some point.
especially considering your job field ... its VERY important that you get sufficient sleep or else it begins to impair your judgment.
me - bh
her - lara01
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
happyman64 ( member #33212) posted at 2:48 AM on Monday, June 9th, 2014
Swat
I hope today was a better day than yesterday.
Of course the kids are mad. They are upset. They are confused.
Their perfect world is changing and they do not understand why.
And you are just as hurt as they are.
And so is their Mom.
So focus on assuring them that you both love them. Do things together so they see Mom and Dad still loving them.
It is all you can do as parents.
One day at a time buddy. One day at a time.
HM
Badhurt ( member #41947) posted at 3:22 AM on Monday, June 9th, 2014
SWAT
Your safety depends on you being alert. We need you to stay safe out there. Try you best to decompress a little bit and get some rest
OutoftheDeep ( member #42601) posted at 3:58 AM on Monday, June 9th, 2014
Melatonin and white noise (fan) and sleep with windows open!
definitely consider meds if this is effecting you too much. you have to sleep. Have too. And eat. I don't care if you have to set a timer on your phone that says "eat" "drink water", do it. Even if it's snickers and koolaid. Eat and drink.
Me - BW 40s
He - exWH 40s
2/15 Over. I had enough. I don't care anymore, and it feels awesome. He can have all the strippers, coworkers, and exes he wants now. Except now he doesn't think they're so appealing. Oh well.
tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:02 PM on Monday, June 9th, 2014
(((SWAT))))
I hope you have gotten some sleep since your last post. If not please talk to your Dr about this. You are not someone who should be out there working if you are sleep deprived.
Try to use work as a break from the shitstorm. It was actually my saving grace. It was where I couldn't allow it to be the center of my thoughts and concentration, thus the fight/flight response would abate, and I would be able to eat a bit then.
This will get easier. This will get better.
Keep those lines of communication open with the kids. Let them know if they are angry that's ok, let them know that no matter what you are always an ear to listen, a support they can lean on, and their soft place to land.
((((and strength))))
Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Sal1995 ( member #39099) posted at 5:45 PM on Monday, June 9th, 2014
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of lack of sleep. I'm tired of reminding myself it isn't my fault. I'm tired of then thinking maybe I could have done things different and she wouldn't have cheated. I'm tired of WW trying. I'm just tired of everything.
I was saying the exact same thing this time last year, SWAT. It's a feeling that probably all BS on this site can relate to. Mental, emotional, exhaustion. This is heavy stuff. And there's no miracle cure.
What helped me: exercise (if you already do it, step it up a notch and make new goals), activities with the kids (this time last year I was teaching my boys baseball and giving my daughters driving lessons), and reading. And when I felt like it, diving into work.
It will get better my friend. And the feeling will come back from time-to-time, but it starts to become more manageable. Hang in there, lots of people here are rooting for you!
numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 10:04 PM on Monday, June 9th, 2014
Not sleeping makes everything seem worse, if that is possible.
Exercise, melatonin, valerian root. If those fail go see your doctor. BTDT.
Sleeping will help your brain deal with everything. Yes it does pass, but it doesn't go away overnight.
Hang in there. If you can weather the storm the clouds part and the metaphorical sun shines again.
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Bring it, life. I am ready for you.
SWAT70 (original poster member #42915) posted at 6:19 PM on Tuesday, June 10th, 2014
Thanks everyone. Guess I was on the down slope of the ride this weekend. I'm feeling better today.
Made some cosmetic changes recently. I don't know if I've ever told you guys about my tattoos. I've got a few and they are all very tasteful I might add. My kids names, military unit and some law enforcement stuff. Before we got married WW didn't have a single tat, but liked her piercings. She kind of got hooked after one though.
I had her favorite flower with her name hidden in the stem over my heart. That one is gone, or should I say covered up with the NLEOMF emblem. We HAD matching Celtic wedding band tattoos. I'm no wimp, but laser removal hurt a lot worse than the tat.
I haven't seen a doctor for my lack of sleep and I skipped my IC appointment. I tried but it just isn't for me anymore. Sleep has been better the last two days. Maybe I was just exhausted enough. My PT regiment has picked up thats for sure. I'm trying to eat right and stay hydrated but its hard with my appetite loss. I've lost some weight but I'm feeling better.
Right or wrong I will handle this like everything else. I'll keep moving forward and deal with obstacles as they come. So I'm off of work for two days and didn't have any plans. BIL stopped by. Haven't talked to him much lately and that hurts. He has always been my best friend. I took someone's sage advice and spent the morning with him. We grabbed some guns and shot some shit up. And not one word about WW or her affair was mentioned. Got home and had a beer with him and he left about an hour ago. Time for my power nap before the kids get home. WW and I are only in contact for the kids right now and she sent a text she needed some time tonight. So I'm thinking some volleyball in the pool and anything they want grilled. It's the only way I know how to cook and yes you can grill anything. Or at least that's my motto. I've even grilled a pizza.
So I'm back to marking the days. Today I think is a win for me. I haven't wasted any time on OM, my WW on the other hand..meh.
Me-BH WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 6:24 PM on Tuesday, June 10th, 2014
I've even grilled a pizza.
You sound better today.
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
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