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lordmayhem ( member #30526) posted at 2:16 PM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
I wish I had:
1. Found this site a year ago when their EA was just starting to ramp up.
2. Recognized the red flags for what they were.
3. Monitored her cell phone usage and computer usage sooner.
4. Waited until I had gotten all the evidence BEFORE confronting her, instead of having to investigate weeks and months later.
BH-me, 45
fWW-her, 50
Married 21 yrs
2 kids (21, 12)
D-Day: 06/11/10
In R at this time
girlsbird ( member #30877) posted at 3:06 PM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
I wish I had of found this site sooner. I wish I had of done the 180. But no...I am an enabler (as well as the ACA). I have huge trust issues that go back to childhood. 3 months out I am now realizing that there is nothing I can do. I also am starting to finally realize that wants me to just say its OK. I f**ked up. I pushed you away and you had to feel wanted. He wants forgiveness and instant trust just because "I haven't seen her. I haven"t talked to her. I don't go anywhere. I have been good. I am doing this for you." Not us. Not remorse...Feed my ego I am SICK of it. Looking for an apartment and an attorney tohandle the nec. documents to sell the house. (We are not married but together 22 years).
Now he won"t have to "be good" He can go where he wants. Back to the felon.
D-Day 10/28/10..almost admission 7/10 Reconciled. I was the betrayed
Fighting2Survive ( member #28410) posted at 4:15 AM on Sunday, January 30th, 2011
Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
Crushed1 ( member #6449) posted at 4:44 AM on Sunday, January 30th, 2011
Wish I'd have confronted more forcefully and not let him gaslight me. Wish I knew what gaslighting was back then. Wish I had found SI during the A. Wish I had called xmows BH and told him how much his W was calling my H on 'our' cell phone. Wish I had told his mother and some people my suspicions.
~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH
Amimad ( new member #31058) posted at 9:05 PM on Tuesday, February 1st, 2011
I am new to the site, and finding all the advice such a breath of fresh air.
Reading Katherine's post I am trying to apply it to my situation.
I have been seperated for 3 months, exactly a month after he walked out he went to the other side of the world to 'Meet' the woman he thought he was in love with. Cutting a huge story short, they're not going to persue a relationship.. distance doesnt help I imagine, he hasn't really spoken to me about it.
Anyway fast forward to now, I am trying the 180 thing this is a recent thing and today I fell off the wagon, but climbing back on.
So with the 180 thing, I am doing it for me, not just trying to win him back, but how long should I do it for?
Should I just start doing the no contact now?
I don't want to get it wrong anymore, I want to work on my marriage, more than anything actually. But I feel like a self destruct button, that when everything is going well between us, I push something, I ask him questions 
Rise_Above ( member #23674) posted at 9:09 PM on Friday, February 4th, 2011
You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli
*****
God's hand was an avocado branch
unarmbears ( member #7480) posted at 6:05 AM on Sunday, February 6th, 2011
Bump for the new folks!
You will survive this!
FBS-Me, 67
FWH-Him, 62
2 Sons 33 and 38
2 Daughters 36 & 31 And 5 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 2:05 AM on Saturday, February 12th, 2011
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 3:58 AM on Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
I am the 20/20 Hindsight bumpmeister, it seems 
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
Cee64D ( member #21836) posted at 12:03 PM on Thursday, February 17th, 2011
The hardest part of forgiveness is accepting it from others...
Me BH 44
Clarrissa FWW 44
D-Day 04 Oct, 2008
takeadeepbreath ( member #26025) posted at 12:32 AM on Friday, February 18th, 2011
bumped by request 
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are
Gordon Sumner ~ Fragile
fromthisdayfwd ( member #30634) posted at 4:07 AM on Friday, February 18th, 2011
Have all ready recommended this thread to several....Now I am getting it on my recent posts so I don't lose it again!
****Bump****
Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.
Failure to attempt is failure.
Feb 8, 2011 ( member #31137) posted at 10:19 AM on Monday, February 21st, 2011
I've read it several times myself
D-Day see username
and maybe March 11, 11
ME: 45 yr old BH
Her: 40 yr old WW
3 kids
married 11 years
Who is this woman in my house?!
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 1:32 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
hurting2much ( member #25643) posted at 1:36 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
One thing I really wish I would have done...be patient...be patient. I intercepted an email, printed it off and went straight home and confronted WH. He knew which secret email account I found it on.
I wish I would have just sat on the information and "watched" what else was written.
hurting2much ( member #25643) posted at 1:40 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
One thing I really wish I would have done...be patient...be patient. I intercepted an email, printed it off and went straight home and confronted WH. He knew which secret email account I found it on.
I wish I would have just sat on the information and "watched" what else was written.
fromthisdayfwd ( member #30634) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, February 25th, 2011
Bump
Wish they would put in the library so I don't have to keep finding it to suggest it to the Newbies.
:)
Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.
Failure to attempt is failure.
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 12:27 AM on Monday, February 28th, 2011
For me, the single most heartening post when I was agonizing during the first few months after D-day. I especially kept referring back to No. 5 on the list, which is as follows::
5. Define your minimum standards and stick to them sooner rather than later.
Minimum standards? These are the MUST-HAVES for your marriage to continue. YOUR must-haves. Think hard. We BS's will have a lot of wants. Pare away the wants. Get down to the core. If these core issues can't be met, the rest is pie-in-the-sky anyway.
My minimums were: NC with OW; firing coverupper; honesty, especially financial, and MC.
My wants were many, including apologizing to my parents, curtailing "guys' nights" out, getting rid of some loser friends, more intertwined activities, . . . and so on. I found my core by working really hard and honestly, "If he doesn't do XXX am I willing to stay married?" The "wants" would have made my marriage a helluva lot better, but I was truthfully willing to stay with much less.
I needed my "minimum standards" because I twisted in the wind so much. When I finally defined my minimum, well, it was a lot easier to gauge when stbxh was bullshitting.
For example, stbxh offered to move to a new town and "start over." Sounds great, right? But when I said, "yes, but first you have to fire coverupper," he wouldn't do it. He wanted to take me on vacations. "Yes, but come to MC this week." He wouldn't do it. Or the times he wanted to move home. "First send all the bills to our home address and give me your passwords." [The honesty issue]. He wouldn't do it.
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
sunningdalelad ( member #30823) posted at 7:27 PM on Monday, February 28th, 2011
Just believe in yourself and your evidence. If you are confronting the WS, don't reveal the way you got your info. If they lie, just keep repeating, "You are lying and I know it.
This was my biggest mistake because once I'd given up my final source I felt completely vulnerable again. No way of being absolutely certain of NC.
fromthisdayfwd ( member #30634) posted at 6:07 PM on Tuesday, March 1st, 2011
Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.
Failure to attempt is failure.
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