SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She also threatened to get the OM to come and pick them up if I wouldn't drive them to PYO

nuff said.

Saveus, I have just scanned through many of your posts.

Your wife is abusive. She is downright evil IMO. Your son is in the middle of all of this hell. She is treating you like a piece of dirt.

Why are you still with her? You need to protect yourself and more importantly YOUR SON!

think my WW is one complicated, mixed up person with many unresolved issues.

I don't even know where to begin...Hurthalo said most of what I would say.

How did she wake you up at 12;40am...is that when she came home?

One problem you have and is becoming another bad habit that would help you greatly to improve on is this. You continue to allow loose ends to never be closed. Before you know it, your entire life is going to be one huge loose end.

Find out what the story is with your friend calling your WW.

Find out the entire truth about your other best friend. For all you know...that has everything to do with 1999 also.

You can close those loose ends without any help from your dysfunctional wife.

Call the gay friend and find out if she is really going over there all of the time. He might or might not tell you. Gay or bi actually.

Your wife continues to go out with other guys right in front of you.

She refuses to tell you about the Friday night. She continues to go out with some supposed gay guy.

She continues to stay in contact with the OM...the affair is still very much alive and well.

Your wife is going out with other guys in front of you and you don't do anything...because there isnt a hell of a lot you can do really.

Your wife sounds extremely bi-polar with a drinking problem.

She needs IC immediately and medication.

You say you want to help her...forget it. You cannot ever help her because she likes her life this way.

She should have had mental help years ago.

You say she confessed to some more things on the phone during this time. Did that mean anything at this time. Did it help anything at this time.

No, because it continues.

I dont know what to say really, except your wife needs mental help immediately.

He did drop a bit of a bombshell on me, however. He and my WW (then girlfriend) kissed at a party we threw many years ago - probably in 2000/2001. He explained the usual reasons for not owning up before and sounded quite crushed at the memory. He has been like a brother to me (Best Man at our wedding) so, whilst I was obviously disturbed at this latest turn of events, I believed him when he explained his guilt and how wretched he'd felt the next day.

Wow. If her really was a "brother" to you, he would have

a) avoided the kiss

b) told you very soon afterward what she attempted. Imagine if he did. What would you think of your WW (GF then) at the time...marraige worthy?

I say milk his ass for as much facts and details as you can, then consider giving him the send off after you start your new life.

This -

I've said goodnight and I'll be back in a bit. Stop trying to guilt trip me! I already told [DS]. I'm still at [pub]. You can check if you like?! You had time alone earlier and I'm not having a go about that am I ?!

and this -

During the afternoon yesterday my WW emailed me a photo of her and her friend out where she said they'd be. I'd be pleased were it not for the fact the last time (the only other time) my WW has done this she found time to go and have sex with the OM on the way home. As the day went on her texts got weirder and more self-serving:-

I promise you with all my heart I am in the g&d [pub] with her having lunch!! Xx

I'm quite drunk! Prob not what u want to hear?! Still in [city]. X

I'm still in [city], will be bk in a bit. Are u ok??

I'm just checking! Not completely groovy as Sol and I had a lot of booze! Just being honest! What can I say?? Xx

You do realize this is all an attempt to paint you as that controlling horrible husband to her friend, or whoever the hell she is actually hanging out with and seeking symphathy, validation, justification from? Those texts aren't really for you. They are for the audience of her "validators". That's why none of that makes any sense to you. You are being setup.

i don't know what to say Saveus. I do feel sad for you. You're in hell and you seem incapable of helping yourself.

You do realize that if you don't have any dealbreakers and you refuse to take any action, there is nothing we can do for you? i guess you can post to vent your feelings, but that's about it. To be honest, I don't know why people are trying to convince you of anything.

what happened to "one last throw of the dice?"

you seem intent on just living in this mess. I'm sorry for you. I really am. I do wish you happiness.

Basically saveus you're not going to do anything. You SAY that you will but it's really all too much trouble. Neither your wife nor you consider your son in this. You say that you do but it's obvious that you don't, because otherwise you would have done something about this toxic relationship years ago. He is stuck in the middle of a seriously abusive relationship and that's how he's going to grow up.

You've grasped at straws because the latest solicitor is echoing what you have told her: 'I'm not really ready to divorce...' If she's at the CAB, then it's no skin of her nose. She probably has a caseload of thousands.

You think that you are going to be your WW's knight in shining armour and 'save her'. She looks at you in that role and thinks that you are a complete idiot and all it does is further reduce her respect (if there is ANY respect) even further. She doesn't want to be 'saved'. She just wants her life and you are allowing/enabling her to do just what she wants because you are too supine to do anything that will lead to any kind of positive outcome.

She has no boundaries.

She's still having her affair.

There are probably other affairs on-going.

She's laughing in your face.

Your in-laws know this too.

No one respects you.

You are flailing around, hoping against hope that something reappears that somehow resembles the woman you 'loved.' Yet she lies, she cheats, she disrespects you, she drinks to excess and she's now using your son against you.

WHAT will it take to make you wake up?

It's sad in the truly meaningful way. I'm sorry for you but even sorrier for your son because he, too, is now suffering from the consequences of this abusive relationship.

i agree with mike.

you seem to be willing to settle for the crumbs that she sometimes hands out. the only way to get what you want is to be prepared to lose it. you arent prepared to. ergo, you wont get what you want and will only get crumbs (and huge shit sanwiches occassionally, as you keep experiencing already).

this thread has more or less turned into a general vent thread about what you are enduring without you actually being willing to DO anything.

You SAY that you will but it's really all too much trouble.

I don't want my post here to threadjack this......but what is someone in the position that Saveus is in to do, when they cannot afford to pay for a divorce.

That is the underlying problem I continue to see with Saveus, yet it is never said outright.

If I could not afford divorce, I would find a way to get the money. There has to be a way to borrow.

I would also do what I suggested in my last post. Close as many loose ends as you can. You continue to have to deal with spot fires all over the place, while the main forest continues to burn.

Since it seems you have to continue to live with her and she will not stop her playing around, coming home late and going out with other guys.

Find out what you need to about WHO she is going out with. Call that other friend and find out what the hell is going on.

The worst thing here is, you are continually in the Just Found Out category.

She drops one guy and yet brings him up all the time. She goes out constantly with some gay guy. She has phone calls from some other guy.

If it were me, I would want to stop the spot fires now and put an end to these other guys. At least deal with ONE OM.

The drinking needs to stop. The going out to get drunk needs to stop. The coming home any damn time she feels like it needs to stop.

Does she even realize she has a family?

She actually sounds like a real alcoholic.

Will she abide by ANY rules you set forth?

Can you borrow money from relatives for the solicitor? It just sounds like money is the one thing stopping you from going forward. And that is the problem for many in your position.

I will say one thing in your favor, saveus: you have an amazing capacity for abuse.

What is it about this woman that makes you yearn so much for what you call version 1.0? Even if reconciliation were on the table, she has treated you with such disrespect and abuse that I can't imagine any love remaining.

How do you imagine continuing even if Harry Potter were to emerge from your Hogwarts, wave his magic wand, and make her want to lift one finger to save the marriage?

Sometimes, people ask me if I'd be willing to make version 1.0 of my product available for download. I'm certain, though, that if I did, they'd see it's pointless to have my product without all the years of intervening development.

You don't want version 1.0 of a long marriage, you want a better version 9.0 or whatever you're on. In this case, the code base has been so hopelessly corrupted that it's better to start over and use all the knowledge and experience you've accumulated to have a better experience down the road with someone who actually has some integrity.

oh hell, since we're going with software development references (maybe it will work to get through to him and lighten the mood)

I don't think she was even a version 1.0 I think she was still in Alpha (woman wears pants reference in here too) all along, pretending to progress through Beta, then V 1.0 release. Yet, the whole time the code had been broken, because it was monkeyed with by contract programmers who've come and gone during development.

Regardless, in the end you have a product that is a misrepresentation of all its benefits and so full of vulnerabilities that it is inevitable that one of those "exploits" will allow a virus or more (pick your STD reference) into the installation down the road.

Later an exploitation was indeed discovered and utilized. Instead of a thorough vulnerability analysis performed on the code, a mere rug-sweep "patch" was applied to bring it to V 2.0, But now we see that it in fact made the application far too unstable, allowed a sociopath hacker access to the kernel, and thus has blown up the entire OS, called "Marriage" or "OSM" (Or "Marriage Sucks" if you want to utilize "MS" and tie in Bill Gates somehow). Anyway, the whole system is riddled with that OM malware, continuing to influence and manipulate the V 2.0's processing of data. It is now affecting performance and stability of supporting software called "Son".

Saveus, time backup "Son" to a safe offsite storage location, reformat the drive and find better software - a proven one that's already been QA'd. You might also research into what an ideal and better OSM looks like for you in the future, and a safer one to restore "Son" into. However, reformat with D papers served first. You don't want anything from the old application to hang around and corrupt the new application.

I don't want to sound like I'm beating you over the head with things but damn dude......When will you have enough????

I believe it was Einstein that said "Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity."

No one, and I mean no one should have to tolerate the level of abuse you have been.

You are showing your son a very bad version of what a dad and man should be.

She's absolutely right. Filing for divorce does NOT kill the party filing. I don't know what else you can do at this time. She seems to be incorrigible. And that's a word I've never used here before.

I don't want to sound like I'm beating you over the head with things but damn dude......When will you have enough????

TN,

This reminds me of one of your posts to my thread when I was in limbo, very much as Saveus is now. It was a Monday morning and you'd posted something like "I wondered over the weekend if Abbondad had had enough pain yet."

As I recall, it would still be another month or so before I really had had enough. Saveus, what did it for me--and I'm angry with myself that it had to get this far--was that my son was directly affected. That is, XW's disdain for me and my suffering went on and on (all "indirectly" affecting our children) but then she did something that was truly "it." Something that loudly pronounced, "I really do not care at all who suffers at my hands--not my husband and no, not even my children. I am telling you that I care about NOBODY but myself."

I hope it doesn't reach this point with you. As I've said before, I complETELY understand the place you are in--how tortuous it is to take,that final step, the desperate belief that your wife is "just messed up" and you can still help her see the error of her ways, etc. And of course you love her. Whether you should or not doesn't matter. You do. Shrug. Even as you know everyone is right on in their advice, you just can't pull the plug.

But It's more than love, Saveus. It's fear. And fear is false. It messes with you and takes you to places where you look around and say, "God, how did I let myself get to THIS place?why am I putting up with this clear abuse and disrespect" Please remind yourself of this when you start romanticizing your wife and your relationship with her. She is showing you clearly just who she is, over and over.

Not an attack on you, Saveus. You will know when you've had enough, and it won't be from us shouting at you.

I'm so sorry you are enduring this pain. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 4:37 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

You are showing your son a very bad version of what a dad and man should be.

^^THIS.

You may not even realize this, but it's happening. Your continuous compromising, bargaining, and the utter surrender of your self-respect to this woman is a very destructive message.

You're jumping to the window to hide your crying from your son. How long are you planning to keep that up? How many years?

There's a point when strength is no longer about some heroic effort to "save" your family by keeping it together. That time has clearly passed, and being strong means something else...saving yourself, and thereby giving yourself a chance to model strength and integrity for your son...and someday, to show him what a healthy relationship looks like.

If 20 years from today, your son came to you and told you this story, verbatim, about his wife, what would you want for him? What would you tell him?

I think the post from Abbondad was great.

Saveus, I think you are a good father, and it's clear you have a good heart.

Saveus - you are in the classic cycle of someone married to an addict. She despises you because you're too weak to stand up to her, but when you stand up to her, she abuses you and bullies you and cajoles you and promises like things are finally going to change to normal to get you to rescue her again and thus the cycle continues.

Until you can see that the only way this cycle ends is for you to leave the cycle, you are doomed and so is your son.

Alcohol is a vile addition, as is any addiction. But your wife is showing classic symptoms.

You cannot change her. You cannot make her see reason. You cannot make her see what she is doing to you or your son or to herself. She does not care. She only cares about getting her next high and if you stand it the way of that high, she will beat you up, verbally and physically - and she could eventually start threatening the safety and wellbeing of your son - heck - she's already threatening his wellbeing and you are allowing it.

Borrow the money for the lawyer from your mom and get it done before the weekend. Get the fee paid and get the ball rolling. On this side of things you have no way of knowing it will be better on the other side. And it won't be immediately better. You'll question yourself.

But just like getting your son to take medicine or do something he absolutely doesn't want to do, you have to do this for your family. You may not be ready. But your son needs a father, and too much more of this path, and he won't have one.

Please check in again saveus. Do you have a plan of action and are you following through?

Everything you do is a choice - even if that choice is to do nothing.

If you have decided to leave SI, please let us know so we can stop wondering and worrying about you.

There is hope and there is a future out there.

UKg x

Saveus

Change your name to save you. Or saveyourson.

Because your wife is lost.

Only she can find herself.

HM

SaveUs...Have you found out anything about the phone calls and your friend to your wife or about her missing weekend.

Whatever you do, do not engage in arguing with her.

You have got to understand how this can escalate to more police and more anger and possibly worse. Especially with alcohol involved.

You are past your breaking point and we all know your wife pushed you past that point. And I do believe she does this on purpose. That is my concern, your wife does seem to have a plan to either make you break, go insane or something to make you look like the bad guy in everything.

You have got to keep your cool!

Savus, is money to pay the solicitor the only thing keeping you from proceeding with divorce? If so, how much does it cost?

I don't know if this is against SI rules (and it it is I apologize). But I will contribute $200 to pay your solicitor directly.

I don't know you or your son. But I support you making sure he is not a victim of an abusive home.

Perhaps others here are willing to contribute as well. And, if D is what you want and the initial financial hurdle is too much for you to finance, a group of us can pay your solicitor directly.

What say you?

@UKgirl (and anyone else wondering)... I haven't left SI, I just felt I'd reached the end of the road with updating and receiving the same advice. Or rather many of you were getting frustrated at me for giving the same advice and me (apparently) not listening. I couldn't see what else anyone could tell me that I didn't already know.

I feel kind of inclined to put right a few assumptions made recently and I probably will, but bear with me.

I appreciate all of you but need some space right now.

[This message edited by saveus at 6:00 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]