SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Changeneeded, I know.

I went through it as a child, and still resent my mom for getting me more involved then I wanted to be.

I'm 43, and still remember her telling me if I testified against my father, "we get to keep the house".

I'd rather take the bullitt then have my kids carry any of this.

You have to sit them down and tell them the truth. Do it in the way you first mentioned.

"We promised to love each other forever. Then your mom found another man and decided she loved him more than me. That's who she has been with all those times she left us alone.

"But she still loves you. She just doesn't love me anymore. And doesn't want to live we me. She wants to live with that other man.

"And you know how much I love you. I don't want you to move anywhere. I want you to live here with me.

"I still love your mother. I wish your mother still loved me too. But she doesn't. She loves that other man."

That's not badmouthing her. That's telling the truth. Your kids deserve to know the truth.

You KNOW how your WW is going to spin it to them. Don't let her do it without you telling them the truth.

I can't my friend.

My job is to protect them as much as possible. I'd rather them think things just weren't working out then to have them carry this shit with even more guilt and bitterness.

I don't have to be right in this situation if it means they are even more affected then they're already gonna be.

This isn't their fault. They need to know and understand that.

The truth is always best. How is keeping them in the dark about what's going to happen to them and why a good thing for them?

Because they don't have to have anger and resentment towards their mom. They love her as much as they love me.

I'm not protecting her, I'm protecting them.

I can understand that you want to protect them, it's a father's instinct. But you said earlier that your WW has discussed her BF with the 16 yr old. So they already know more than you think.

I have been protecting my 2 DS from what has been happening in my M. On Saturday night I was blindsided by the 16 yr old who tells me WH is cheating. He had been investigating him for 5 weeks to get enough evidence before telling me. His younger brother saw a funny text dad was sending late at night when mom was in bed.

They need some age appropriate information from you because who knows what she is telling them.

Because they don't have to have anger and resentment towards their mom. They love her as much as they love me.

I'm not protecting her, I'm protecting them.

I totally understand your feeling on this. Especially when it comes to the 13 year old. But you have been informed that your WW has spoken to the 16 year old about her AP. I still very much feel that your WW is trying to pull the girls in her direction.

That said, You should begin to communicate with the girls. You don't have to talk against their mother. Just comfort them and listen to their concerns. After all, most of the time, girls are drawn to their fathers. Engage them in conversation. Your daughters may begin to ask you about things they have seen or been told by their mother, and that would give you the chance to correct incorrect narratives they may be being led to believe.

You need to get ahead of your wife and her narrative. By waiting so long, you have given her the opportunity to take the lead and control the flow of information to your children. You can correct this without being negative. Stay strong brother.

Hi JM72

I've been following this thread and just wanted to post about whether to tell your kids or not.

I'm a betrayed child my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly. I didn't know this until my mom decided to get a divorce.

I was 8 when my parents divorced. My mom was truthful to me and my sister (she was 12) from the beginning. That he was seeing other women, But that he loved us and was a good dad. That it wasn't us why they were divorcing.

She never bad mouthed about him to us.

I was able to separate the 2 relationships...my mom and dads relationship and my dad and I relationship.

I understood that yes my dad was a bad husband, but an awesome dad. I don't think I could have had a better dad than the one I have. I only judged him as a father.

Several years later my mom and dad got along just fine that he spent Christmas with us every year(including my stepdad).

My dad and I had (he passed away in 2008) a very, very close relationship.

The 3 of them (mom, dad, and stepdad)became good friends and tore them up also when my dad passed.

If you and your wife can be civil with each other...not bad mouthing about each other. Your kids will be fine.

You are better off telling them the truth because they deserve it and you have no idea what your wife is telling them.

I'm not sure how I would have reacted later on if I was lied to. Upset I'm sure.

The biggest thing is how you talk about your wife to your kids. That it is ok to have a relationship with her. It will be up to her if they have a good relationship with her or not. You can't control that.

Best of luck to you

HM

I understand that parental instinct to protect your kids at all costs but I am concerned about what your WW has already told them. I don't think she is going to be respectful of your relationship with the girls and I would hate for them to lose their relationship with you because they didn't know the truth. You don't have to pass judgement on what WW is doing just that is what is happening and you love them and are sorry that they are caught up in the fall out.

[This message edited by crazyfatwife at 2:22 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]

I went through it as a child, and still resent my mom for getting me more involved then I wanted to be.

I'm 43, and still remember her telling me if I testified against my father, "we get to keep the house".

I'd rather take the bullitt then have my kids carry any of this.

Because they don't have to have anger and resentment towards their mom. They love her as much as they love me.

Gently JM72..I agree with others that your children should be told your truth in an age appropriate and considerate way.

Is there a possibility you are projecting what you went through as a child onto them? Are they not entitled to form their own opinions and make decisions based on what they hear and see from both you and WW?

Just a thought mate.

I think that the kids probably already know, or suspect, what is going on. My 13 year old would be all over it.

Come on. As a bs, you know the old.."I lied to protect you" line is bullshit.

You tell them the truth. You don't have to give them the gory details, but you have to be honest.

Your wife is a liar. They know this. Don't allow her actions to turn you into a liar as well. They need to know that dad will be honest with them, even when it's hard.

It's not cruel. It's not revenge. It is about respecting them enough to not cloud their minds with lies. You are not responsible for her relationship with her children. She is. Don't damage your relationship with them, by protecting their image of her. She tarnished that image, not you.

Plus...kids aren't stupid. They y probably know a lo more than you think.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:51 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]

If your WW has already talked about the OM to the 16 year old, what are the odds that the 16 year old hasn't talked with the 13 year old?

Great post Confused, I agree 100%.

JM, you are helping them believe a lie. By not telling them the reality of what is going on you are actually going to damage your relationship with them, because you are sending the message that there are things they can't talk with you about. They have been exposed to the shit sandwich your WW has served, so now you really don't have a choice but to get involved and help them make sense of things.

Your children don't know what to think, and they will begin to drive themselves crazy imagining all possibilities of what is going on....just like all us BSs who got gaslit and Trickle Truthed. Remember how sh*tty that feeling is...not knowing the truth, waiting every day for some bomb to be dropped. Protect them from that!

Telling your children the truth is NOT the same as badmouthing your wife. Respect your children enough to let them form their own opinions and make their own choices.

It's damn clear that you are an amazing father, willing to sacrifice anything for them. You don't need to make this sacrifice...not anymore...not since your WW has exposed them to this sh*t. They desperately want to make sense of everything. Help them. Don't help your WW lie to them. Don't help your WW traumatize and confuse them further with her selfishness.

Telling them age appropriate truth IS protecting them. It helps them maintain security that at least one of their parents loves and respects them enough to be honest with them.

Our kids believe they can trust us. Don't think that they don't feel betrayed when they find out we weren't honest with them.

They don't necessarily need gory details. Simply age appropriate truth.

And, IMO, encouraging them to continue to trust their mother, who has proven herself to be both untrustworthy and incapable of putting her children's needs before her own, is harmful. Better they know and love their mom for who she really is, and know how to protect themselves from her weaknesses, than be led blindly into her web and be harmed. JMO.

JM72

Because they don't have to have anger and resentment towards their mom. They love her as much as they love me.

I'm not protecting her, I'm protecting them.

What happens when reality hits? You aren't protecting them.

You are their father. The truth of what's coming should be addressed. So that they are not blindsided.

However, that's your call.

Your wife is in control you've done nothing to alter that except do the 180. The only thing you seem to do is get angry over advice that you never take.

You situation is in limbo. Good luck

JM,

I think you need to be honest and truthful with your children. I'm a foster parent, so deal with kids whose parents have done some pretty awful things-kids who very much love their parents.

In my experience, when adults minimize, try to cover up (for the child's benefit) or sugar coat actions and situations, children suffer. I believe that withholding the truth invalidates a child's experience. It teaches them to deal with conflict/disorder/chaos by minimizing, avoiding, and lying. Further, I believe it teaches distrust--if the caring adults address life situations by minimizing (aka lying), then that is the model a child will follow.

Also, I believe that this model leaves the child in chaos. It teaches the child that chaos has to be endured and mitigated--in silence.

I believe a more healthy approach is true communication at age appropriate levels. I feel this teaches child how healthy adults approach conflict and how to achieve resolution and not endurance. Through truth, the adult creates order and structure in the chaos.

Not only does this model appropriate behavior, but it teaches the child that the truthful adult is trustworthy--that *people* can be trustworthy. The truthful adult then becomes the foundation from which the child can then transition to adulthoood (which is the major developmental stage for a teen.)

Finally, I believe that truth allows your to model compassion and mercy towards your spouse (neither of which is founded in worthiness). I believe this is a lesson children who have mentally ill loved ones really need. They need the lesson and role model of how to deal with a loved one that, due to their issues, doesn't make good life choices (who by extension can drag the folks that love them into chaos.) They need the message that we live in the real world with real consequences, even if our loved one lives in chaos.

BTW, I'm also a BC. I needed the lesson on how to love my father, while also drawing the boundaries need to keep me either out of or safe while in his chaos. I very well remember that cold pit of fear, dread and bleakness that I lived with while my father did his thing. Fortunately, my mom did talk to me. Honest frank discussions that included mercy and compassion for my father (though I still don't have a good relationship with my father.)

Please don't leave your kids dangling alone.

Truth to tell my friend is that you are not protecting them by not telling them. A lie of omission is still a lie. It is okay to be age appropriate with them, but at least be honest.

On another note, when it comes time to decide where the children stay, did you happen to keep her Facebook post talking about the clubs? That is going to be a devastating piece of evidence if it comes to a custody trial.

Sending you strength to do the right thing my friend.

OK, I'll talk to them this weekend.