SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with William and Sistermilkshake regarding DV. Sorry UAB, had to add that against your wishes. I will drop it now

UAB, thanks for the update. I'm so glad that you have such a positive outlook on (the rest of your) life!

I think she might be NPD and/or BPD, but we can't say for sure. But I think it doesn't matter if she has NPD/BPD or not, because her actions remain the same - abusive, manipulative, cruel etc., and her forcing you to leave her is great thing for you regardless of what, if any, psychological condition she has.

Would you feel better/different if she had NPD/BPD as opposed to not having NPD/BPD, but "just" being abusive, selfish, cruel,...? If so, why?

As for DV, I just wanted to say in my earlier post that we should continue the debate on DV in a separate thread, not here.

Any word from your son, UAB? Have you reached out to offer to pay for his counselling?

Best wishes!

Some people have psychological armour that amounts to narcissism. They may not be mentally ill but they are trapped by a live long pattern of fear of what others may do to them, but spend little thought on others. The natural empathy is weak or beaten down.

They may feel for others but feel impotent.

You've come so far from where you were with your first post UAB.

Good job.

And congratulations on spending much needed quality time with your family.

Don't spend too much of your time wrapping yourself around her NPD. It can't be changed and you had nothing to do with it. Focus instead on trying to help your son understand why his mom is the way she is and how to deal with it in a healthy way for him.

It sounds like you have a family that loves you and is ready to support you however they can. What a wonderful gift for you.

k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 6:46 AM, May 25th (Monday)]

What k9 said, don't waste time trying to figure out the past or what is in someone's mind. She devastated you and it's time you moved on. If suspecting that she has a "disorder" helps you to build a higher wall between the two of you, I am all for it. But, just don't waste too much energy on it.

You said you will deal with your issues in counseling and that is such an important step. Because you've spent over a decade in the hands of a manipulative person. You'll need to find your OWN way to respond to life's situations. The freedom will feel strange and wonderful.

I say this from experience:my father, never "diagnosed", was probably bipolar, NPD, BPD. Who knows, who cares. I had to juggle his personality traits to stay out of trouble until the day he died. My MOTHER, what she had to deal with for 60 years, UGH! She has a new found freedom at age 78 that is wonderful to see.

As far as getting sucked into her manipulations, just picture us holding up the largest SI "Stop Sign" every time she tries to push your buttons.

Enjoy your family.

You are doing great.

Point blank - what will make you a more full person:

- connecting with your seven year old niece and other extended family

- dwelling on a fucking asshole who thinks that you are dirt

It was a pretty great weekend, even though weather tried to drown everyone in the state!

Had a blast with family. It was very therapeutic!

On the NPD issues... I know I'll never know for sure. But I have to say, considering her to be NPD sure makes detaching and moving on with my life easier. So it's what I'm going to go with.

The more I find out about NPD, the more I think my mother may have it too. It makes a LOT of things make a LOT of sense!

I know that if STBXWW is NPD, it's not going to be so simple as running away cleanly. DS is stuck in the middle of all of this. He's still choosing to ignore me right now, there's not much I can do besides the occasional contact and letting him know that my door is always open.

I saw him at church on Sunday - the STBXWW keeps dropping him off there. I walked up to him to tell him good morning... he just turned and walked off without a word. Ouch. I won't give up. He's a smart kid, he'll figure it out at some point.

The bad guy isn't the one standing up for themselves and the marriage - the bad guy is the one disregarding the marriage and sleeping with an AP.

My nephew taught me how to play Minecraft yesterday. That was fun. I love having my little buddy around. I think it helps me heal.

I'm bumping therapy up to weekly. I think that will help too.

[This message edited by UnlovedAndBroked at 11:07 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)]

Good to here that your weekend was better than tolerable.

The OW in our situation was a junior bunny boiler. Stalked and fished for my FWH for 8 years after the affair ended and tried to befriend me after the affair ended, but before d-day. We had to be on guard as we didn't know what It would do or where It would show up. I spent some time trying to diagnose OW and have read a lot, too.

I found this short article interesting and gave me some good insight into OW. Maybe you will find it interesting and enlightening, too.

http://truthlover5.com/2012/12/07/profile-of-a-sociopath-charming-manipulative-grandiose-lying-narcissitic-authoritarian-secretive/

Thanks for the update! It's great that you're bumping your IC to weekly, it will help you tremendously. And it's great to hear that you plan to continue reaching out to DS! Don't get discouraged by his rejection at the moment, and work through it in your IC.

I'm really glad you're reconnecting with other important people in your life!

How have you been feeling otherwise?

Best wishes

I walked up to him to tell him good morning... he just turned and walked off without a word. Ouch. I won't give up. He's a smart kid, he'll figure it out at some point.

That's it - keep letting him know you care and are there for him when he wants to engage.

It's all you can do. Painful as hell, but they will figure out who the sane one is.

I must be confused.

it is her son so maybe that is why he can't use his brain. But i am sorry. A 17 year old kid who sits there and watches his mother go off to spend six or seven week ends with another man has to be pretty thick to not be able to figure out what is going on.

now he may not want to accept it because it is his mother, but at that age kids are not clueless to sex and relationships. Where was he when she wopuld pack her bag and leave. he actually believed she was going to do something productive.

Sorry, maybe i am missing something.

Your son cannot fathom this. Impossible for him at this point.

Well, there's a pretty big thing that I haven't told anyone here on SI that actually explains his reaction...

My DS is autistic. He's of the Asperger variety.

He's very high functioning, he's fucking brilliant. His math teacher calls him the walking calculator.

But, having Asperger Syndrome, it's hard for him to understand others, their thoughts, their feelings. He literally cannot put himself into someone else's shoes, like the rest of us can.

The autism is a road block - it prevents him from being socially intelligent. He's high-functioning enough that most people don't realize it's there. But it is. And, it prevents him from being able to understand any of this on an emotional level.

Well, there's a pretty big thing that I haven't told anyone here on SI that actually explains his reaction...

My DS is autistic. He's of the Asperger variety.

He's very high functioning, he's fucking brilliant. His math teacher calls him the walking calculator.

But, having Asperger Syndrome, it's hard for him to understand others, their thoughts, their feelings. He literally cannot put himself into someone else's shoes, like the rest of us can.

The autism is a road block - it prevents him from being socially intelligent. He's high-functioning enough that most people don't realize it's there. But it is. And, it prevents him from being able to understand any of this on an emotional level.

As is my son, as am I (didn't know until I was older) Guess what then?

You have no other choice, then to a Lose him, or B-Tell him the truth, with facts.

People in the Spectrum are logical, they NEED facts, they don't do well, with the concept of "Leave it to your imagination."

They NEED the details, they need the facts, they are the ones that need the timelines, because of their analytical thought process.

There are some webinars on this if you PM me I will send you the link of Aspergers Experts that lecture on this.

They struggle with social cues, and take it as is, so unfortunately to appease him, it is going to be facts only please.

Wow, thanks for chiming in. It's nice to get the perspective of an ASD person.

I have become quite the expert in Asperger since his diagnosis when he was 8.

I understand that he needs things very logically, plainly explained. And I thought I've done a good job of explaining everything to him. He knows what's up.

He knows mom is humping another man. I explained she's given her heart to him. I explained the pain, I explained what I'm going to have to do to make it all stop...

I don't know what else I could say.

My DS is autistic. He's of the Asperger variety.

He's very high functioning, he's fucking brilliant.

My DS is the same.

I agree..your DS knows exactly what's going on.

I think he's pissed that his routine has been screwed up. I also think he's more pissed at his mom than you..but as you said..he has trouble with his emotions.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:28 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)]

Unloved -

Your world was turned upside by this and going through this thread you can write a book on how well time helped you heal.

You DS is going through the same thing. He is still a kid and his body is still just... acclimating. Honestly when I was a kid I'd just hide my head in the sand and wait for my body to adjust, it could take me months or even years to work things out but at the same time I never had any large ups or downs. My point is that I don't think that he's made any permanent life decisions at this point.

It's frustrating, but he just needs time

I am inclined to agree, Eric1.

He hung out with my brother on Saturday. They played Mortal Kombat and just goofed off.

I'd think that if he was going to sever ties with me permanently, he'd not hang around his soon-to-be-ex-uncles.

I'd think that if he was going to sever ties with me permanently, he'd not hang around his soon-to-be-ex-uncles.

Yep. You got good instincts, keep trusting yer gut. Just be patient with that aspect, and I agree with the others that counsel patience with figuring her out/diagnosing.

After all, di means 2,

and agnostic means against knowing, so diagnosis really means 2 people agreeing they don't know.

I don't know the Latin for 'broke the fuck up', but I'm thinking the best healing response is non carborundum illegitimi.

It's not important, unless you can use it - which you have - as a means of further detachment, again, that's why a lot of the posters are giving you the attaboy and telling you you're doing well. Very well!

Has she been served?

She's not been served yet.

I'm not worrying about where we go from here in regards to diagnosis. I just want to move on.

And I will. I've got a great weekend lined up. Shooting on Saturday and then I'm going to the Dallas Fan Expo with a friend. I'm going to meet some really cool TV stars from some of my favorite shows. A life well lived indeed!