SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I believe that he will regret this to his grave.

I had seen my dad do this.

He never married again or have another serious relationship again after my mom divorced him.

It was sad to watch,but I know he deserved it. My mom gave him multiple chances. He told me multiple times he wished he could go back and do things differently.

It's something your wh will have to learn to deal with. I just feel bad for your dss. I hope you 2 will be able to have some sort of relationship at some point.

Hugs to you TOC

Farsidejunky -

Nah, I'm just trying to be decent. I look forward to moving on. Where I live, an uncontested divorce moves quickly. I hope to be single before ringing in the New Year.

You may want to start Punch to the Gut II to make it easier to keep up with the tale

TOC, I don't think your STBX was a con artist. I think he just thought he could get by with a little fling on the side, then she got too emotionally involved and he didn't know how to end it because he was afraid she would spill the beans, so he did his best to keep her happy. I know XWH#2 got involved in the same thing. The only difference was your STBX threw her under the bus after you found out, where as XWH#2 just took the A underground. Either way the damage has been done and there is no fixing it at this point.

As far as his truth, it just proves he has a long way to go to get to his own truth of what he did and why he did it. It took many years for XWH#1 to finally realize it had nothing to do with me, it was his own brokenness that caused our D. That didn't change the fact of what he did, but I was glad that he can now be the father his kids needed.

It is a real shame that it takes a D for them to see what they threw away for nothing but a few minutes of pleasure and ego kibbles. I think you continue to handle this with dignity and honor. I also know that no matter what it still hurts. Just know that the pain will not last forever and you will continue to be the strong woman you are. (((HUGS)))

TOC,

Like many I have been following your thread, and you have incredible strength. I won't vilify your WH. JFO can be (rightfully) hard on WSs. If WS gives a timeline unasked, it is selfish. If WS won't give a timeline, it is selfish. Every answer is a double edged sword. We all look for that answer where we say to our WS, "Oh, I get it. If I were you, I would have done the same thing." We want to understand and make sense of it, but we will never get there.

I see your WHs timeline as his attempt to try to R. Yes, it's selfish, he wants you for you and he's fighting. I think it is different for each marriage. When should they fight (as MANY BSs want) and when is it kinder of WH to let BS go? So, I hope you can see that he does value you. I know, truly, how that is not enough, but maybe it's a small, small bit of comfort? Or not, and that is your right too. Why is it so hard to just stay faithful?!?

I worry about your statement that your WH will be on the receiving end of the strength that you learned in your first M. I get this all too well. I have lowered myself and begged too in a prior relationship, and I, too, learned strength. But, strength comes in many forms. I swore to myself that I would never be that person who would take abuse and forgive/embrace my abuser. It was too much to ask of me. I greatly admire those who can (Gandhi, MLK, Mandela come to mind). I hoped (reasonably I thought) that it would never be asked of me. And, here I am trying to summon the strength.

I don't know what exactly I'm trying to say. I fully support you decision to D. But, I wonder if you truly believe it will make you happiest? I guess I want you to know that you have the strength to make any decision that YOU want to make.

TOC I am so impressed with your decisiveness. I feel like my emotions are like a ping pong ball. One day I'm all about seperating and then the next, I miss that stupid man and want to be with him. I wish I could "pick a lane" and stay there. How do those on this feed get past these emotional swings and make that decision to either R or D?

I don't think Moana Leasha got caught up in the affair and wouldn't let go because she lost her heart to your wh - on the contrary - I think she wouldn't let go because she couldn't let go of the dollar signs and new life he represented to her.

The saddest thing is you and your wh lost so much. But Moana?. She'll just shake this off and start looking for the next client she thinks can afford her (pet) services.

On the other hand, she picks up dog shit for a living.

PlanC

On the other hand, she picks up dog shit for a living.

Gosh this made me laugh and thinking on it, it feels good there is some justice in that. I will now forever imagine her bagging my dog's droppings rather than her bedding and bagging my STBX!

I, too, think she is the classic gold digger. STBX said he had no idea why she liked him and showed interest. (Fucking ego of some people!, right? Made himself such easy prey.) He's not rich but he is debt-free and responsible. I guess that must look real good to someone who picks up feces for a living.

Thanks, Plan. I'm loving the new perspective should she come to mind.

TOC, you deserve some peace. I hope you get it.

I had a few thoughts.

I suspect that your STBXH was sincerely trying to do the right thing when he sent the recent email. Of course it would have been better if he had asked you if you wanted a timeline, but books do recommend a timeline and also not waiting to be asked to provide answers. He does sound like he is a good person who made a bad, bad series of choices.

His A sounds like a classic midlife, slippery slope affair. It is so cliche, but rationalizing the first boundary crossing and the next..,and there you are. I don't think he's blaming you for traveling, but is not yet questioning why he wasn't emotionally mature enough to tell you he missed you and come up with healthy strategies (perhaps he could travel with you sometimes, or volunteer at the animal shelter, anything but the choice he made!). And he hasn't seemed to delve into why his boundaries were so bad--self esteem issues, etc.

I have a theory I call "catlover's rule" that the second strongest impulse in human nature (after the maternal/paternal instinct) is the impulse to rationalize something that we believe is in our best interest. And I believe that the more we do it the easier it is to do. We all need to guard against this tendency in ourselves and teach our children to fight it. I use Bernie Maddof as an example. He didn't set out to become one of biggest white collar criminals in history, ruining thousands of people's lives and causing his own son to commit suicide. He started off a bit short one month, so he "borrowed" from client's accounts, rationalizing that he would pay it back.

I watched my H do this for years, in big and small ways. He would eat all the cookies and then claim that he didn't know that the kids wanted any. He would text and drive and claim he had better reflexes than other people. And yes, he would wear ear phones on his bike. Regular rules didn't apply to him and he would always have an excuse. He has improved this tremendously and now understands where that tendency came from. Of course this ability is critical to infidelity.

Another common trait for cheaters is how after they cross the first line and feel guilt they come home and can't face their spouse. However, the spouse behaves no differently and there is no consequence. So the next time is a bit easier, then the next. The guilt fades. Some WSs are masters at compartmentalizing (mine was) and don't even think of the AP when they're home, and vice versa.

Finally, I believe, based on their subsequent behaviors, that your WH's version of events is accurate. Moana set her sights on him. She believed that the fact that he had such an awesome wife and was still willing to cheat with her meant that she was a special snowflake. She was working to steal him. He got caught up in the feel good chemicals of ego and new conquest but never intended it to go further.

I wish you the very best.

I've been following your thread from the very beginning and like others, I've been very humbly impressed with your decisive actions and introspective analysis of the situation. Then life happened and I had to stop reading for a while. I'm finally caught up. I LOVE the name Moana Leasha. It made me giggle out loud. Whoever came up with it...can't remember..is a genius

I also think your H is on his path to remorse even though there are hints of "poor me" and "how has this affected me" about his communications with you. You've been very clear in saying that you are certain you want to divorce and this course of action makes perfect sense to him. However, I feel that he will not let it go so easily and you may some months of careful deflection and standing your ground ahead.

Lastly, out of all your wonderfully thought out posts, there's one thing I disagreed with...that he didn't love you enough. It was never about you. He might basically be a good guy but there's something wrong with him. For me the world is essentially divided into two categories: cheaters and not-cheaters. The divide between the two is as thin as a sword edge but it's there. I also acknowledge that there are many ways to cross the line. Some people who do are abusive assholes who don't care how many lives they destroy. Some make a one-time lapse in judgement and have to spend the rest of their lives knowing what they've done. Yet others allow themselves to fall into an escalating situation and later find ways to rationalise. In the end, it doesn't matter how you get there, either you're a cheater or you're not. If you are, you allowed your mind and/or body, however briefly, to open itself to someone other than your monogamous partner. It's never about the partner. It most definitely is about you...

really good explanation cat lover. forgivable though?

really good explanation cat lover. forgivable though?

Yes. IMO, forgiveness is not for the offender. It is for the victim. It releases them so that they can move on and heal. No where does it say they have to forget. That's where a lot of people get stuck and refuse to forgive because they think it means they have to forget the offense. And it is also worth noting that just because one forgives, it doesn't mean they need to make nice going forward. Toxic people rarely change so they can be forgiven yet held at a distance WRT our everyday lives.

UglyBetty:

Lastly, out of all your wonderfully thought out posts, there's one thing I disagreed with...that he didn't love you enough. It was never about you.

My head tells me this is the case but of course my heart refuses to agree. How could it be anything else? I don't really say it though to pity myself. It's more of just a matter of fact statement to tell myself I have accepted the situation and see it clearly for what it was. (Not sure that's really coming out right but hopefully you understand.)

CatLover - such perfect analogies above. Especially get the Madoff example. Sure makes it easy to understand the slippery slope. Too bad some people have so little integrity.

Fridays seem to be the hardest for me. I'm back home and didn't want to make any plans to go out because I just got back from out of town and have things to do still (a lot to do) in my new place. So I turned on Netflix and was just watching a silly rom-com.

In the movie, the woman finds a video on the home computer of her husband getting a bj from a neighbor. (Uh oh - probably should have turned off at the point but it said this was a comedy.) Fast forward to about 2 mins later where soon-to-be divorced mom is moving with her two young kids to NY city (yeah, because it's just that easy!)

Anyway, she decides she has to take self-defense classes living in the big city now. In the class, she volunteers to be the "victim." The instructor stirs passion in her, via describing her as a scorned woman, and tells her to "let it out, take it out on the self-defense perp" actor in the class (who is dressed in those big air/fat suits.)

You guessed it. She goes ballistic, beats the shit out of him, is enraged, thinking of EX getting that BJ, until she exhausts herself beating the crap out of him (likely movie love interest), and lying on top of him, full on crying in front of the whole class.

Of course it's supposed to be funny, right? But me? I ended up in a puddle of tears and was actually commiserating with the betrayed mom on TV like she was a real victim. I guess this is what a trigger is? Anyway, all better now.

Just another Friday night in the world of a betrayed, middle-aged woman trying to work through this craptastic pile of shit he dumped on me. It could be worse. I could be at another wedding, like last Friday.

Silver linings. Looking for silver linings.

The silver lining is you aren't making a living picking up dog shit and stalking married men.

The silver lining is you aren't making a living picking up dog shit and stalking married men.

CRACK!! Marc878 hits it out of the park!

Hugs, TOC. Keep on keeping on.

The silver lining is you aren't making a living picking up dog shit and stalking married men.

Or being fooled any longer by a husband who'd fall for a gold digging turd collector.

I know this thread is getting long and I am now in transition from JFO to Divorce. I think the fact it has all happened within a very short period of time makes it hard to know when to move to the other forum. I'm still going through JFO trauma but also firmly in D mode.

Anyway, I say this because I just created a post in the D/S forum under the title "WH Wants to Buy Me a House." Feel free to comment here or there but basically the thread title says it all. WTF? Why?

TOC, I haven't posted on your thread in a while. Others have been doing fine. I did see Moana Leasha's letter to you as a desperate bid for attention. "Notice me! I can advise you on your H! Notice me!". Sad, that.

Threads here are limited to 1 original post and 999 replies. So, you're on page 47 of 50, and some threads get started with a Part 2 to continue.

As for your H... My personal opinion is that this is manipulative. He wants his old life back. He's ignoring what you want in order to offer enticements. He might not look at it That way, but I think that that is a part of it.

The house is also partly Look at me! Night my ex a house, I did. Aren't I grand? She doesn't even think that badly about what I did! We're friends!

Fist bump, sister in adversity }{

Anyway, I say this because I just created a post in the D/S forum under the title "WH Wants to Buy Me a House." Feel free to comment here or there but basically the thread title says it all. WTF? Why?

GUILT!