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Newest Member: Definedbygrace

Just Found Out :
D-Day 3 I’m just ..I don’t know

Topic is Sleeping.

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 6:47 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

I have been in Divorce/Separation but seeing as this is a new D-Day ..well here I am. My original thread is on here so the details are in there...I don’t know where to post so I’m probably breaking some kind of rule. Right now I’m pretty much in No eff’s to give mode.

Yesterday after I posted in the other forum, I received word that I was needed at a meeting at our home office on Thursday which is located about six hours away. I needed to make arrangements to pick up more things from the home I used to have with my STBX so I sent her a text to set up a time and I decided to go today after she left for work. All good. I get there a little after 8 am and begin to gather some things and I go into the walk in closet in the master bedroom. As I’m looking for a particular pair of shoes, I start working my way around the closet from my side to her’s. I’m not seeing them so I figure they have made their way to her area. As I’m going along, I am pushing the clothes back so I can see under them all the way to the wall. As I came to some long rain coats and lab coats of her’s I felt something heavy hit my hand. I look in the pocket of one of her lab coats. A cell phone. An unfamiliar cell phone.

Of course, I already know in my gut what this is so I try to turn it on but it’s dead. I look around and see her charger next to bed and luckily it's the same type. It's too dead to turn on so I leave it and finish getting my things. About twenty minutes later I finish up and check the phone and I am able to turn it on.

I found her hidden gmail account. Texts, pics, vidoes, etc. I only looked briefly but I saw dates that carried into 2018. Remember, She supposedly had last contact in July of 2017. I shut the phone off and put it in my pocket and went home. I spent another two hours coping off the pictures and videos. I created a new gmail account and forwarded all the emails and screenshots of text messages to it. She was using an app called Viber and Messages...both still had chat history. Again I took screenshots of everything. From a brief look at things it actually ended in February 2018. I have not looked at the details. I eventually took the phone back to her house and put it back where I got it. BTW the phone no longer was connected to a carrier and it did not connect to our home network automatically. I checked it was configured to our old network which I upgraded from in January 2019...I wrote the phone number down.

To say I am mad would be a huge understatement. She even had the gall to leave a note on the dining room table telling me to be careful and reaffirming her love and how much she wants to earn my trust back so we could grow old together and travel like we always wanted to do. WHAT THE HELL?!? How screwed up in the head do you have to be to freaking do shit like this and act like you actually care for the person you are betraying?

The pictures and videos I briefly watched are ...pure humiliating. Not just for me but for her. I am so scared of what I'm going to read and see in this crap. For god sake in some of them she’s dressed up in little girl clothes with the time she was 45 years old. And one video is ...I can’t I won’t describe. I can’t process this stuff right now. I just needed to tell somebody before I broke down and called her.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO CONFRONT HER RIGHT NOW. But when I do...and you better freaking believe I will, I'm not sure how to go about it. I need to read through this trash and get a plan together. God I hope our kids never see this stuff.

I have already contacted my attorney to find out about proceeding with the divorce.

Hey world? I think I’ve had enough kicks to my nuts, Okay? Thanks.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597050

SlapNutsABingo ( member #71353) posted at 7:01 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Why do you think it stopped in early 2018? Or do you think it never has?

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8597055

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:20 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

So you are proceeding w/ D?

If so you don't need to know the contents of that stuff. I would electronically send it to the attorney, or put it on a zip drive, and put it in a secure location, and then be done.

There is absolutely no need to further torture yourself.

Stop asking the questions as to why... you are attempting to make sense out of nonsense, it just doesn't work. Just remember she is the broken one, not you. She chose this, not you. Stop listening to her words, you know they are lies.

Focus on you and your needs and your well being.

((((And Strength)))

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19258   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8597064

Westway ( member #71747) posted at 7:32 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

If you are divorcing, then looking at all that shit is only going to mess your head up. Don't do it. Save it for an Ace in the hole. Use the anger you feel to disengage more from her.

Cheaters are just liars man. They lie and lie and lie some more.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8597069

Sanibelredfish ( member #56748) posted at 7:34 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

I can’t remember, and I’m too lazy to look up your other thread, but were there declarations from her that you know everything now and she’s being fully honest? That’s usually the case, but it seems rare it is accurate. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A couple of thoughts, are you sure this phone was for the same AP? Presumably pictures will bear that out, but worth considering the rabbit hole goes a little deeper... Also, maybe you were stuck in your recovery because you felt there was more to know, significantly more as it turns out. That she can lie to you and carry on after DD1, while going to church counseling, and resenting you for not recovering fast enough... well, that says a lot about her and none of it is good.

Lastly, if you want to see if you can shake loose any more truth from her, tell her you know she’s lying currently (but don’t divulge how or why) and that she has one more chance to come 100% clean. Then just sit back and listen to her spill her guts and keep saying, “...and...”, well past what you know to be true from the phone.

Sorry she’s worse than you thought.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8597070

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 7:39 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Why do you think it stopped in early 2018? Or do you think it never has?

I don't. I mean I read the last few texts where she ended it and the last one was two days after my birthday in 2018,

Hell What do I know. I was posting stupid shit like below a week or so ago.

I believe she is remorseful. Oddly enough I have no doubt of this.

I believe it was only two calls after DDay. She went so far as to track down the former co-worker and ask her via text to describe what happened regarding the calls. She had me read them.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597073

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Wesway and Tushnurse, yes I am proceeding with divorce and it was always my plan when I moved out. But I'm thinking now I might have been fooling myself a little. I don't know maybe divorce but date afterwards or even possible R...I don't know. Now when I think about or say divorce it feels different.

And I know I can't make sense of this but it still just astonishes me the depths she sunk to in these messages.

I've been through a little over a months worth so far...I had to come up for a break. It's insane.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597080

apache ( member #74923) posted at 7:50 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:24 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2020
id 8597082

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 7:57 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

I'm not going into any detail I'm just going to hit the highlights as I know them so far.

The last phone call he made through her friend was to arrange to get her a burner phone. The one I found.

They continued contacting each other and sending texts and pics to each other.

Lots of dirty talk, etc. Talk about his impending divorce. Her refusal to leave because I'm "a great person and loving father. And he provides so well for us. I really care about him".

No indication they met up physically again so far.

The texts and emails are pretty much daily and in some cases go on for hours when I was not around.

By the second month he is requesting more graphic images and videos and she is happily sending them. He sends very few pics to her. Maybe one to every eight or ten she sends. I recognized our bathroom, her car, our bed, and our kitchen in them. All which have her either nude or exposing herself for him.

I got to the first video she sent him and stopped.

I'll look at more later right now I am just sick.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597084

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

apache said

Maybe put together a little presentation of pics and videos and have it set ready to run on a tv without her knowing.

Schedule a talk, say I just need to know I know everything, if there's more, now is the one and only chance to tell me.

When she says, yep, you know it all, or gives you a little TT, just push play and walk away-drop the mic.

She won't put up much of a fight after that.

I have so many scenarios like this going through my head. Right now I just need to stop looking and get myself together.

I need to get ready for this trip. I have to leave early so I can check in to the hotel and get setup for the counseling session for my son. Dear Lord I have sit through that with her online too.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597087

newlife03 ( member #56527) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

It's so hard when you think things are going in one direction until you find evidence that suggests otherwise. After the first DDay I had committed to staying in the marriage but was not 100% sure I could fully trust ever again. Cleaning out boxes of documents I found receipts from trips xWH had taken with the OW, trips I had never known about. It was a like a dagger to an already-broken heart. Turns out there was so much more that had gone on without my knowledge, and he was never going to confess to any of it.

I'm sorry to say that there may be more that you will find out if you look hard enough. It's true that if you are planning to divorce her there's little point in digging up things that will only hurt you. However, looking from the other side of it IF you find out more it may help you with your decision to know that, without a doubt, it was the right one.

Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011

posts: 657   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: ID
id 8597092

apache ( member #74923) posted at 8:09 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:25 AM, October 16th (Friday)]

posts: 92   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2020
id 8597093

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 8:33 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

All you can do is learn from this and move on stronger from it.

Is the online counseling session family therapy or couple's therapy? If it's couples therapy, it might be a good time to present what you've found and inform her that the D will definitely be going through.

posts: 5132   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8597101

toby ( member #10337) posted at 8:35 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Sorry to say this but ........her story about the OM never being in your home just got blown up!

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2006   ·   location: Texas
id 8597102

Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 9:16 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

It's all been said. If you are divorcing, at least now you can be more sure why. And now it's time to lock this away for divorce or legal reasons and leave it alone.

I personally wouldn't tell her. You can elude to finding out more if needed, but she doesn't need to know where or how.

The type of person your stbx is she will be more mad you snooped even if she doesn't say anyway. If you are moving on now is a good time to start practicing NC instead of putting yourself through hearing whatever BS she will come up with.

I understand the shock of this as another D day though after seeing what you had gone through, but like others said, it kind of solidifies your reasons for moving on.

Good luck and take care.

posts: 675   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8597120

Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 9:21 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

I feel for ya brother. The blows keep coming.

One thing that struck me was some of the comments she was saying to this Ahole in the texts you were reading in the burner phone.

"Her refusal to leave you because you are a great person and loving father".

"He provides so well for us".

"I really CARE about him".

Never does she say she loves you.

I know this is a MAJOR punch to the gut but it appears that it's making things much more clearer on your path forward (even though you were heading the D route before this).

Hang in there and continue to take care of yourself!!

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8597123

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 9:33 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

nekonamida asked:

Is the online counseling session family therapy or couple's therapy? If it's couples therapy, it might be a good time to present what you've found and inform her that the D will definitely be going through.

It's family. Trying to assist my son in dealing with this. He was they only person that did not know about her affair. Unbeknownst to us, our daughter found out about four months after D-Day 1 by accident. (as fa as I know she did not know it was continuing) So he's feeling particularly betraye by all of us.

Sorry to say this but ........her story about the OM never being in your home just got blown up!

I don't know. I have still not seen any evidence to point to that . In fact oddly enough, a month and a half into the continued contact and he is refusing to meet up with her physically. I'm not sure what that is all about. He keeps telling her it's not safe due to his potential divorce at the time. But the request he makes of her continued to escalate in frequency and even more graphic in nature.

It's a weird dynamic. Like a sub/dom type thing going on in these communications. I don't know. I have decided to stop reading them for now. I have to finish preparing to leave tomorrow.

My son has been staying with me but will have to stay with his mother Wed. and Thurs. evenings. My daughter is coming home this weekend so I'm thinking anything pertaining to this will at least be put off until after the weekend.

Lawyer called me back as well as the family therapist.

Lawyer has asked me to hold off on confronting her until he and I can decide what we want in a final divorce decree. We signed a separation agreement more for my peace of mind and to ensure financial obligations were met. The plan was to reevaluate in six months. At which point I would proceed with divorce. I just can't stand being tied to her at this point. I know we have children but ....I just need out.

I told the therapist that there has been a change in our situation. Basically I told her I had uncovered some things that were new to me and I wanted her to be aware of that and that my STBXCPOSW was not aware of what I knew. She offered to fore go the brief meeting she has with just us before the session and would just jump right into the family session. Of course she asked me to try not to let it sabotage the meeting and I assured her I would never do that. And I won't.

I've got to step away and breath a little folks. I appreciate you taking time to help and offer your guidance. Ha, I don't even know what the meeting at our home office is about. I just got an email saying show up Thursday at 9 am. business casual with plant rated footwear. Meaning I don't have to wear a suit but I can't wear jeans. Meaning someone important will be there and they plan on touring the facility. And meaning, I will be going with them. I might need to be more worried about that right now.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597133

 SeeYaIamOut (original poster member #75524) posted at 9:35 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Booyah, you're exactly right. I don't remember her telling him in any of the correspondences I have read so far that she loves me.

Damn. Right now I wish I was a drinking man.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2020
id 8597134

beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 9:38 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

I'm sorry SeeYa. It is so crazy how often this same exact story plays out. I think you are heading in the right direction with the Divorce. She has had years to tell you the truth. This has been so disrespectful to you.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8597135

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 9:46 PM on Tuesday, October 13th, 2020

Wow, move for divorce ASAP. I wouldn't bother with an elaborate presentation. I would just say I found your hidden phone and it was chalked full of nasty stuff between you and the OP. Tell her you are absolutely done with her. You'll see her in mediation or court. Close the book, go see an IC and rebuild your life. I am so sorry. You must remain clear-headed and focused on what has to be done. If you waiver, you will be sorry for the rest of your life. You deserve much better. Been there and my divorce was so liberating.

[This message edited by src9043 at 3:57 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 625   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8597140
Topic is Sleeping.
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