I want him home first. I want to look him in the eyes and tell him I know.
Will you hear out someone who has walked your path? Because I've walked this path a little and I waited and it's my biggest regret bar none.
thirteen years ago my husband, out of the blue told me he needed a holiday, by himself, for a week to a holiday destination unknown to me, because he also blamed possible mental health issues, was feeling depressed etc etc. Leading up to this my gut was aching from the amount of red flags it was picking up, like you I also asked if it was another woman, like you I got the "of course I'm not". He still left.
Like you when I tried to call when he was away it either went unanswered and the one time I got him he was very short and like you I got the speech about giving him space (which was news to me since not once did he say I was involved-linked with this supposed depression.)
Like you I found out it was another woman, however by this stage I had been heavily gaslighted and my "evidence" was texts and emails.
I sort out friends and family I trusted and like you I wanted to wait until he got home because I wanted to look him in the face.
(I'm feeling so sick writing this out, this is so hard)
That week, knowing, unable to reach him, KNOWING what was going on ate me up, I changed and the mental anguish I put myself through still haunts me and I'm still in therapy, thirteen years later (not cheap) because of the damage done in that week.
So this is what happened when he got home.
- Seeing him so happy and refreshed, killed me.
- Him going on and on how he feels like a new man and is so thankful for that time out, killed me.
- His excuses about not calling or answering the phone "bad reception" etc, killed me.
but nothing destroyed me like him looking in my eyes, while I showed him the "evidence" and had him lie to me. Have him accuse me of wrecking the mental health improvements he had made while away. NOTHING. I have lost a child and still that moment in time, destroyed me.
The following gaslighting and now new accusations I was hurting his mental health turned me into a coward, made me second guess everything all over again, made me think I was crazy.... and I stayed with him and have never been happy since, have forever wondered how many more were/are there, and frankly I'm not mentally well now. He was able to manipulate everything, everything.
Are you ready for that? What will you do when your WH does that to you? because confessions and ownership are something cheaters do not do.
LISTEN, please for the love of god do not let fear ruin this like it ruined me.
See that lawyer, you need to know what to do at least, a lawyer advises you in black and white what to do/expect but they also advise you what you're allowed to do right now (like if you're allowed to kick him out of the house, if you leaving the house for a "break" means you're giving up ownership etc etc.)
It's good you have friends and family, but what you're divorced friend went through is not what you're going through, they can help you give you an idea but until you seek legal advice it's only guidance, not what is going to happen in your situation.
I did not have SI people/wisdom, the healing library, nothing available like that when I went through it.
Personally if I could turn back time, I would do what CT mentioned in their post. I would line my ducks up with the lawyer (knowing if it was legally in my right to kick him out &/or leaving the house with child would be top of the list) then that same afternoon I would call WH over and over and over and over and over until I got him, do not email him, CALL him and inform him that you know, do not elaborate, do not call him names, use her name and then tell him he needs to be on a flight home NOW if he expects there to be a home when he returns, tell him he can email you (you want his reactions on email) and that you will not be answering the phone, then 180 him. NC until he steps through the front door.
Do not sit on this, please do not sit on this.
I lost all the power, all the self esteem waiting. He gaslighted and stupid stupid woman that was desperate to not have a broken home I started believing it. Nothing solved.
(edit: I'm just so worried he will manipulate you like mine did me, you need to be made of steel if you truly going to go ahead and wait and face him, as soon as you break - he has a foot up, as soon as you negotiate - he has a foot up, as soon as you do the pick me dance - he has a foot up. The start of this should be done a part so that shock and damage you can deal with in private so you're stronger when he gets home... if that makes sense. Confrontations are disorienting and never go to plan once you're in the middle of it, from someone who waited I honestly wished I let him know I knew first, while he was with her, so that shock-bomb of actually confronting him wore off before he got home for round two, because there are always other rounds and trickle truths and discoveries and lies... yeah wished I could turn back time and called him instead of waited. )
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 8:15 AM, May 14th (Friday)]