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Newest Member: PeanutButterPixels

Reconciliation :
Confused and really scared

Topic is Sleeping.
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 10:01 PM on Wednesday, January 25th, 2023

After Dday 2 we entered a limbo period. I was angry and cranky all the time (totally not myself) I came to the realization if R was going to work I had to drop some of things weighing us down. My W was afraid to do anything and would panic if she burned dinner.

I finally had to equal up the M, it could no longer be a dictatorship. I told her open and honest communication is a must. If I’m doing something that annoys her I want to know, I want everything on the table. Our communication is so much better now, and it’s not always positive stuff, we get our feelings hurt and disagree but we don’t let it build up and explode. It seems you are behind on the work of R. Enjoy the journey.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3420   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8774706
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 goingtomakeit (original poster member #11778) posted at 5:42 PM on Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

Update-I’m a F*cking Idiot

Everything going well.

The scared me poked his head out big time over the weekend.

I got great news on Friday business wise. I was really excited, but she was just so-so.

On Saturday, I indicated I would like to have sex that night early in the day. She worked in the garden, and I worked at a customer office. At 10:00pm she got up without a word and went to bed. And to sleep. NO SEX.

Sunday is an ok day, but FML, I carried the trash from the garden and hurt my back.

Monday, I’m in a lot of pain, and my brain is working overtime. " R is not real, she does not really love me. What is going on? I was stupid to think R would work."

Tues (today) an unidentified call from New York comes on her cell (POSOM home state). I am really panicking at this point.

She picked up messages, and New York is a spam call.

I am so fucking stupid.

I don’t know why she was not excited about my news, but all the work she did on Saturday wore her out. I know I am not going to get sex every time I ask.

Is this normal? I was in limbo for so long, and she is doing nothing wrong. She is even revisiting some of the pain she caused, and is remorseful (something I never got from her). We are really talking!!

The problem is not her-it’s in my fucking brain. I want R to work. I hated limbo. The A was so long ago, and I panic over a call from New York? I was so self assured on Saturday, and have fallen apart in just a few days.

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8776533
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 10:19 PM on Tuesday, February 7th, 2023

She picked up messages, and New York is a spam call.

I am so fucking stupid.

Be kind to yourself. Would you talk about your friend this way? No. You would be so much kinder. At a minimum, be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

Let me try: You're not stupid. It sounds like you had a trigger. That makes sense. The A happened. It was awful, but it's not happening anymore. Let's focus on the present.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2083   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8776571
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 12:41 AM on Wednesday, February 8th, 2023

I want R to work. I hated limbo. The A was so long ago, and I panic over a call from New York? I was so self assured on Saturday, and have fallen apart in just a few days.

I don't think our brains do great with the concept of time. My wife's A was a long time ago and she didn't confess about it until about 7-years ago. It doesn't matter WHEN the damage occurred, it all lives in your brain as if it happened YESTERDAY.

The strongest memories tend to be something really fun or something traumatic.

As emergent8 advised: Be kind to yourself.

You took a long while to address this pain. This means, you got more healing to do.

Certain triggers just fuck with the betrayed spouse.

We get better at those triggers the more we process them. You'll get better at it.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8776587
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 goingtomakeit (original poster member #11778) posted at 1:15 PM on Thursday, February 9th, 2023

Thanks guys,

I figured out why I was so triggered, on top of being down.

Even though DD is a fixed date, in my mind it is floating, it is tied to the day after the Super Bowl. And the day the knife went all the way in and I knew she was in love with him (and not me) came on the day before valentines(heart-meet blender). Guess what-they are the same day this year.

I hate Valentine’s Day. I have for years. She know it and she even said don’t feel obligated to give her a card. (I did when the boys were around, but empty nest and COVID put a stop to it).

I am thinking of getting her one, but writing in it some of the hope I have. Being graphic on sex things I want, and clear on non-sex things I want. She can’t read minds, so I need to be clear. Planning on being nice-no criticism, and I am not really wanting anything sexual we don’t already do-just a pick up in frequency. (We will have to shred it later-don’t want the boys to find it after we are dead. They think we only had sex twice—to produce them) laugh

Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day

posts: 170   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2006   ·   location: Ga
id 8776751
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 2:00 PM on Thursday, February 9th, 2023

She can’t read minds, so I need to be clear.

A hopeful card is a nice start, but I wouldn't stop there. I think the biggest part of R for me and mine was to be able to share anything and everything and keep each other in the loop -- even if it isn't positive information. By telling my wife what I was going through, she was able to respond and find a way to understand the unique pain of infidelity.

Better communication isn't an end all be all, I just found that holding pain in or holding it back, made it all worse (for both of us).

Best of luck to you and yours and your work going forward.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8776757
Topic is Sleeping.
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