Thank guys for the help and advice.
To answer a couple of questions-she is not damaged goods. Her behavior and lack of remorse really changed how I felt about her and myself. Was I so stupid not to see how cold and heartless she was? Was I a fool? After years, I came to the conclusion I was not a fool, and who I married was sweet and kind, and she really did love me when we started out. She changed over time and lost that sweet disposition and she stopped reflecting my love for her back to me.
However, there were times when she did post A. She would be sweet, loving, funny and build me up. So I knew the woman I wanted was in there somewhere. Then the dark clouds would move in again, and she would become indifferent to me.
She never had another A. She was unhappy with herself, and many things in her life. After the A, she threw herself into being a mom and an executive. I was just there, and, with a few exceptions over the years, she shuffled me to the back of her priorities. She knew I would not leave her and the children, so she put very little effort into me. Yea, I’m a dependable sap.
I want to go for it, I really do. Yes, getting my heart broken one more time could happen, and yet it might not. I’ve lived through hell and came out the other side. I found out I am one of the strongest people I know. And yet, I am so scared I will never have the love I lost again, I am afraid to move. I know making myself vulnerable is the only way in, and I that scares the hell out of me. I’ve been brave by not making myself vulnerable.
My life right now is calm. Not a lot of love, but no war either. We are financially set as a couple, but separately we would have a reduced standard of living. I know about living in the guilted cage, but from the cage, life is pretty damn comfortable. Blowing this up on a chance is very scary.
I am going to see our marriage counselor-he is still in practice and knows the back story.
Also, as an aside, I initiated making love the other morning, and she happily said yes. She was very passionate and was happy to be with me. I asked her if I was safe, and she said yes. (I’m not sure if she understood what I was asking, but I am going to assume she did. ) As much as I enjoyed the sex (OMG), I really wanted, and got a connection to her. I made love to her slow, as I did not want our connection to end, and she did not try to hurry me up or get me to finish. She seemed happy to be with me. Maybe I am reading more into this than is there,
but for now it feels good and right.
I am trying to be careful as the person I love seems to be here. I really want to hold her and make love and fall asleep in her arms with her playing with my hair, rubbing my chest, and her telling me I am her guy, but rushing it could blow up everything, and I might never get it back.
I’ll let you know.