Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: KstinTX

Reconciliation :
Do you joke, tease, and have any laughter about the AP or affair?

Topic is Sleeping.
default

 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 8:33 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

I know this is probably weird as heck but my husband and I have always used our humor and sarcasm during difficult times to ease pain.

I want to use it a bit now while we’re reconciling but there is still a quite a bit of pain left.

Here’s how I put sarcasm into a recent situation - my humor tried to enter….

My husband was cleaning and sweeping and he swept up something so dusty we couldn’t make out what it was- he said "what does this eff’d up POS look like?"

I responded with his AP’s name.

We both laughed but the fact that he’s embarrassed and ashamed could be seen on his face.

Do you all joke?

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 8:55 PM, Tuesday, January 10th]

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 216   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8772799
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:39 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

It's been over a decade, and we laugh at her now. She stalks me. When she posted here,we laughed at her lies,and blatant need for attention, and her need to be a victim.

She's given me a lot of material to work with. laugh

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6680   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8772801
default

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:55 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

Still very rarely.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2631   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8772805
default

Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 9:05 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

Occasionally....if we run into her.

When DDay hit, he immediately threw her under the bus. He said that she "had a horse face and a fat ass". When he said this, I immediately changed her name in my phone to include this. OBS was told, etc. Over the last 4 or so years, there have been a couple of occasions where OW and I have had an email exchange. Gotta love my iPhone. It changed her email name to include the phrase.....so she saw that every time we had an exchange. I normally would never make a comment on someone's appearance. But, I'm REALLY ok with this instance. Makes me giggle a little every time I think of it.

He acknowledges that he made those choices. Recovering has been the hardest things I've ever done.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 470   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8772809
default

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 9:47 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

I have a great sense of humor and pre-infidelity I would tease my W about "some dude".

A little over a year from Dday and we were cleaning out our master closet there was dress shirt neither of us remember. Without thinking I said "some dude probably left it here 🤣". She got this hurt look and I said "I’m joking". I told her that came out so naturally it was really a sign of healing. When she realized it wasn’t a cheap shot, she was glad that I was at a comfort level to do that.

Now sometimes when she leaves for the gym or the store, I will say "don’t be talking to no dudes, only hot women 🤣".

We do not ever joke specifically about her infidelity or AP. IMO her AP is way lower than "some dude".

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3427   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8772816
default

Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 11:32 PM on Tuesday, January 10th, 2023

My husband and I also use humor and sarcasm to deal with pain. My husband's OW was nearly 70 and we were 55 at DDAY. In the early days, when we would go to the grocery store and see a very old and decrepit woman, I would ask him if he had a hard on. Looking back, it was not very kind to the women I referred to, but I was very careful to make sure they did not hear me. It was for my husband's benefit only. It was hostile, but very satisfying. I also used to tell him I was feeling threatened every time we passed a nursing home. I admit, pain makes you do some less than admirable things.

Those hostile jabs are in the past for the most part, I am glad to say (although I have to admit, I do think them still on occasion), and we now laugh at the thought that he was effed up in the head enough to go there in the first place, how desperate and ridiculous and trashy she was (and I assume is) and his delusional thinking.

As time goes by, however, I realize more and more that I do not want to give her space in my head or in my life. Try not to think about her much, TBH.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 757   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8772829
default

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:32 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

It. Is. Never. Going. To. Be. Funny.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13923   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8772841
default

HardRain ( member #60016) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

Yeah, I totally do. Both about the AP and infidelity in general. It took a very long time to get to where I could joke about it and earnestly laugh, like 4 or 5 years, so it’s fairly recent. I’d joke about it early on, but those jokes were a coping mechanism. It really hurt to make them, and I’m not sure why I tried. It was a really freeing moment when I realized I could laugh at my jokes about my wife’s infidelity. A real laugh, with no hurts. It’s best when she laughs too, but that’s definitely not every time.

BH - Me, 39, at time of A
WW - 35, at time of A
DDay - July 1st, 2017
EA > PA, Sept 2016>June 2017, PA End of June.
Married 8 years, July 4th, 2009, two kids 3 and 5 at the time of the A.
Shooting for the stars and working hard for R...

posts: 53   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2017
id 8772845
default

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

No. Not yet, at least. It makes me sad, because my husband and I have always had jokes, sarcasm, and laughter as a bonding point in our marriage, in good times and bad. But it still hurts too much for it to be funny. I’ve said sarcastic funny things from time to time about the affair, especially early on, but mean-spirited jokes leave a bad taste in my mouth and aren’t fun and bonding like the humorous camaraderie that we had. We actually used to joke about infidelity, like, "what held you up, your secret girlfriend? Or "don’t run off with some other guy while I’m gone!" Maybe at some point it will feel more light-hearted, but I’m definitely not there yet. I still feel a little sick and sad when I think about the level of security I used to have that would allow me to joke like that.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8772847
default

CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 2:50 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

I deal with a lot of things via laughter.

But not this.

That's not to say that sarcastic remarks or jokes don't pop into my head at times. I simply use what little filter I have left to keep them all internal. My sarcasm would cut deeply. That's not something I want to do at this point. Plus, I know it's the hurt talking through the sarcasm, so I try to listen and work on that in a more constructive way.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8772851
default

 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 6:02 AM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

If I’m completely honest it hurts a bit. Most of my jokes are mean spirited and more of a jab now. Most definitely still so much pain is at the surface.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 216   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8772867
default

Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

My husband was cleaning and sweeping and he swept up something so dusty we couldn’t make out what it was- he said "what does this eff’d up POS look like?"
I responded with his AP’s name.

This is funny because it’s true.

To be honest, for me, not even jokes about infidelity in general are funny. I don't think they will ever be funny. My therapist told me "Time heals all wounds". So, I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm."
She whispers back, "I am the storm."

posts: 369   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8772905
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:18 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

I've always used irony and sarcasm, sometimes even in posts on the web. Not with this - if I use irony, it's plain that it's an attack on the object of my comment. I'd give an example, but the comments are mostly about political figures.

So much humor comes from pain! With my W, I'll acknowledge the pain and talk about it, but I won't let it out in 'humor'. At this point, 12 years out, cutting comments don't occur to me much, but when they did (4-5-6 years ago), I translated them into straight discussions of pain or just let them drop from my mind.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29933   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8772923
default

HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 5:57 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

Probably the only topic I find absolutely nothing funny about. So, no.

I also had a historically minimizing, compartmentalizing WS, and joking about it feels too much like minimizing, to me.

BW
Recovered
Reconciled

posts: 552   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8772952
default

OldBeachOwl ( member #81048) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

Seven months out from Dday and each day is a struggle with little room for any affair related levity. It's all crushingly serious even as we attempt Reconciliation. I forgave too soon, there are times I can barely be civil with my wife, let alone generate or appreciate a joke about her involvement with the OM. Emotions run the whole gamut... I have definitely a long lonely road to walk to recovery.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2022   ·   location: Tucson
id 8772962
default

Evertrying ( member #60644) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

I joke about her with my friends. Only once with my husband. He's so embarrassed by what he did that we don't discuss it much anymore. We will talk if I've had a bad day or bad dream or something like that (he's very attentive in that sense) but he knows what and who she is so we don't joke about her.

The one time we did was about how much of a pig she is. grin I am EXTREMELY anal about a clean house (to the point where my husband teases me about ("living in our museum") and I guess she's a major messy, pig person. We were talking about her one day awhile back and the messy house subject came up and he pulled his nose up with his finger and made a pig face. It was pretty funny. He HATES a messy house. I can only imagine had we divorced and he ended up with her in her pig-sty. shocked

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1253   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8772964
default

RustyPuff ( new member #80751) posted at 5:11 AM on Thursday, January 12th, 2023

No and I am literally too afraid to bring it up, almost every time I have in the past she has gotten pretty angry and left the house for sometimes hours at a time which doesn't help my fear she is going to do it again sad

Betrayal is the worst because it means someone you love and respect was willing to hurt you to make themselves feel better.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8773034
default

Adolfo ( member #79193) posted at 7:43 AM on Thursday, January 12th, 2023

I've told her several times that, after decades, we should be able to joke about it. She doesn't like it if the subject comes up at all. I believe that if you can joke about it, then it indicates a great deal of healing has taken place...

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021   ·   location: NC
id 8773040
default

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:29 AM on Thursday, January 12th, 2023

Sorry some things will just never be funny.

I do remember one time my H told me he hates women with too many tattoos. I said nothing but I wanted to burst out laughing b/c the OW was covered in tattoos. Boobs, neck arms etc.

Funny how at the time she was the one he was kicking me to the curb for. duh

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13923   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8773045
default

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 12:11 PM on Thursday, January 12th, 2023

Like I said I never joke about her A or AP. But I hated when she called her A a mistake. One night she said "I know I screwed up" and my response was "no honey you definitely screwed down". It was shot and it felt good.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3427   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8773051
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240523a 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy