This Topic is Archived
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 2:33 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
Re minimums for R: our MC told me to whittle it down to just one -- two at the most. In the end, the minimum was verifiable NC with OW. Period.
He broke NC immediately by phone, and within a week in person.
I think three is a nice number. Three minimum requirements...
NC (including all passwords, etc.)
MC
IC
[This message edited by still confounded at 9:38 PM, April 18th (Sunday)]
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
neverendinghurt ( member #15859) posted at 2:56 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
I wish I had left immediately.
Maybe that would have prevented the two and a half years of trickle truth, it may just have shocked some sense into him sooner.
The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie
JustKeepSwimmig ( member #19269) posted at 2:14 AM on Monday, April 12th, 2010
Mr. JKS - EA/PA
DDay - April 2008
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 3:40 AM on Monday, April 19th, 2010
bumping for new-to-SI folks
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
tammyjean100 ( member #28159) posted at 4:08 AM on Monday, April 19th, 2010
Every time I think I begin to understand what it is I "want," I find another missing piece. 180 is my mantra, but the work for next IC is establishing my 3 minimums. One is full, complete NC. Without that, there is no R. Ever. No Fear. thanks!TJ100...two weeks in, 4/18/2010
You can't overcome anything without facing it. Betty Ford
slowlymending ( member #26454) posted at 4:59 PM on Saturday, April 24th, 2010
BW-me
Slowlymending....
Live your questions now, and perhaps without even knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rilke
Rise_Above ( member #23674) posted at 5:08 PM on Sunday, April 25th, 2010
You can live the way you believe this is your opportunity to let your life be one that lights the way~F.Battistelli
*****
God's hand was an avocado branch
lainey59 ( member #27955) posted at 7:10 PM on Sunday, April 25th, 2010
I wish I'd kicked him out the moment I started suspecting him. That way I would have saved myself from being gaslighted for 18 months and then walking out saying he couldn't take my accusations any more. He left in January and still hasn't been to talk things through with me - the fog is still heavy.
BW 52 STBXH 52
Married 30 years DS age 22
OW 23 year old bimbo skank
OC born August 2010
First suspected and accused Oct 08
First left Oct 09, returned Dec 09
Left again 2 Jan 10
phatchance12 ( member #28280) posted at 12:29 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2010
I love this! I am pretty new and really am glad I clicked on this link.
One question...what exactly is gas lighting?
Me: Faithful Wife.
Him: Who gives a shit, really.
Caught him on Feb 22nd, 2010.
Who the fuck does he think he is changing my life forever without asking me?
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 12:53 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2010
The term "gaslighting" comes from the movie "Gaslight," starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman (AND featuring a very young Angela Lansbury as the OW, or at least one of the OWs). Boyer is trying to get rid of his wife (Ingrid) so that he can be the evil cad he actually is instead of Mr. Smooth Nice New Husband that he pretends to be. So he keeps telling her she isn't seeing what she's seeing (the gaslight dimming, which he is manipulating), the bumps, the missing stuff ... all of which he IS doing but DENIES even exists. Just like WS do with the BS's statements and findings. "We are just friends." "We were working late." "I only kissed him once." "That wasn't who you think it was... that wasn't what you think it was ... you're crazy, etc. etc. etc."
Gaslighting.
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
phatchance12 ( member #28280) posted at 12:59 AM on Monday, April 26th, 2010
Ok, thank you "still confounded"!
Me: Faithful Wife.
Him: Who gives a shit, really.
Caught him on Feb 22nd, 2010.
Who the fuck does he think he is changing my life forever without asking me?
GoodFaith ( member #28249) posted at 4:00 PM on Monday, April 26th, 2010
I wish I listened to my gut instead of her lies.
I wish I had walked away the first time.... she had moved away to go back to college. Called me late one night crying and said someone assaulted her in her bed. I drove 6 hours through the night to take care of her. Found another guy in her bed - she had gone to shower. Let her convince me she asked him to stay 'cause she was scared and she slept on the floor. I instantly forgot that he didn't have a shirt on when I first got there. I was too concerned about the assault.
I wish that walking away would have 'smartened her up'.
[This message edited by GoodFaith at 10:52 AM, April 26th (Monday)]
BH (me) 56
WexW 49
3 Kids adult
DDay1 - 01/08/08 finaly found proof but still denied all.
DD2 31/08/2009 admited 4 cheats
DD3 20/01/2010 admitted 3 more
DD4 27/10/2016 this one is now
AnnieOakley ( member #13332) posted at 1:02 AM on Friday, April 30th, 2010
Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."
blindsided42 ( member #22359) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, April 30th, 2010
I wish I had contacted OW, in fact I still fantasize about this somedays. I wouldn't be mean or anything, I would just like to hear her version of the story becomes my H's version still doesn't make sense to me. Since it's been over a year, it's probably too late now, but if I had it to do all over again that's what I would have done.
BS 42
WS 43
Married 21 years w/ 4 kids
D-day 1/5/09
wwashington ( member #27595) posted at 1:39 AM on Friday, April 30th, 2010
Told everyone, especially his wife. We were part of a social group (5 couples) of close friends and I did not want to hurt his wife.
Beat the crap out of him.
willthiseverend ( member #25107) posted at 9:47 PM on Monday, May 3rd, 2010
Follow this to the tee! I wish I had!
14 months after D Day and a False R.
They have to really want to R.
You have to be willing to walk away and let go of the outcome!
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
crisisrecovery ( member #26473) posted at 10:02 PM on Monday, May 3rd, 2010
Fantastic post! Minimums requirements is what I should have set and stuck too way back at the beginning. I did the whining and crying thing. It got me nowhere.
Every day above ground is a good day.
jjct ( member #17484) posted at 2:15 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2010
OhEmGee ( member #28433) posted at 2:29 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2010
I wish I had been more vigilant about checking phone records. I was able to figure out exactly when the whole mess started and ended by checking those later.
I wish I had pushed harder when I told him that he had been seen on a date. Truthfully, noone I knew saw him and I was joking about him being lonely without me there. Didn't know til later that I was right on the money with that one. but his reaction to me when I said it should've been a huge red flag.
I wish I would have made him leave immediately after he told me the beginning of the truth.
I wish I had contacted the OWs BS.
I wish I had contacted the OW and gave her a piece of my mind. I fantasize about that all the time.
DDay #1: 12/25/08
DDay #2: 01/09/09
DDay #3: 05/22/09
DDay #4: 09/05/11 OW#2
I love him. I just don't like him.
gonogo1 ( member #25518) posted at 2:39 AM on Sunday, May 9th, 2010
I wish I had gone 180 immediately on DDay when I kicked him out. I did stick to my requirement of NC , he never did keep it. Because he wouldn't do the bare minimum , there is no hope of R.Thank god SI gave me insight into that.It's been a little over a year since DDay and he is still gaslighting,lying etc,etc the difference is right now I don't give a damn.
Copied from HUFI-PUFI
Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.
This Topic is Archived
