SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have to tell her soon...it's killing me!!!

Goose,

Step back and breathe.

I suggest you give youself a little more time to see if you can get irrefutable proof.

If you confront too soon without hard evidence it will be easy for her to deny or go underground.

Then where does that leave you?

Just one opinion. Sorry you are going through this.

Can I bluff her into admitting it....just like above?

I case you can't wait... Yes! it's YOUR time to lie through your teeth. Bluff till the end. Act confident - you just know everything. Ask her to confess just to compare notes and check if she is being truthful. Pretend you're going to give her a chance, even if you are not sure yet. You're at war now.

Until she's fully remorseful and NC she's your enemy.

By the way, she must be noticing something is wrong with you...

goose-em,

I am so sorry you are going through this.

How are you holding up today?

Just as a small example of how they will use not solid evidence and put a small bit of doubt in your mind.... Will leave you thinking well maybe that's what happened...

I suspected my WH after seeing hundreds of phone calls on the bill. Of course I confronted to soon and he had a stupid excuse(I was not lucky enough to have found this sight yet)

I continued to be gaslighted and tons of blameshifting and made to feel crazy. I continued to do my own investigating.

I had his charge card bill sent to me so I could see if they went out to a restaurant on the night it started like I had suspected. I found the charge and went to the restaurant saying I needed a copy of the bill for work receipt and had his card # etc. I thought I was being so clever with this evidence!!

They gave me a copy and I confronted him with it. Well he said that he was at the place that night and they gave him the wrong bill and it looked cheaper then his so he said he just paid it and didn't question it. Looking at the order, it was enough food for two but not necessarily. Also there were not anywhere near the amount of beer my husband would normally order! So... this left question in my mind... Is that what happened or am I being fed more bullshit??

That is just a small example of how they will take any doubt you may have and use it to their benefit and make you doubt what you know.

He did go with her that night and then went out and purchased condoms so they could screw for the first time. I had the night it started, the restaurant check, and really figured everything out from phone records but NEVER got him to admit to ANY of it!!( was in Nov when I found stuff but it happened in Aug)

To this day, the only reason I know all the facts is because OW(my "friend") told me EVERYTHING! But, I did not get the story from her until 1.5 years later!!

I wish I had solid proof that he could not deny soooooo badly!! Good luck to you. I am thinking about you and your pain. Many Hugs

no matter what you're going to deal with some sort of TT but if you confront her now then hes "just a friend" and each day you press her with more evidence (which will be alot harder to get because she will try harder to cover it up since she knows you are on to her) then you will eventually get the truth (VERY slowly i might add) so the only way you can squash most of her bullshit is by literally catching her red handed one way or another

I totally get what you mean about when to do it. I could never wait. He just always went underground more. I swear to you....I should be in a straightjacket after all the lies and deceit and tricks. It took me months to figure out the full truth. And I actually still didn't figure out all of it until he ended the affair. Nonetheless, I filed for divorce with the bits and pieces I did know. I filed because I knew something was terribly wrong. I knew something had happened with OW even though I didn't know what or if it was still happening. He said it wasn't....but my gut was telling me different. I filed because I assumed by his behavior that he was done with married life.

If you decide to confront now with what you do know, that's ok. What you know is that she's lying and keeping secrets and she has some sort of inappropriate relationship with another man. If you confront now and she denies anything, you still know that you are not ok with secrets, and lies, and intimate time with another man. Period!

If you are afraid that her excuses will leave you wondering whether you should really be done, then get the proof.

I almost agree that you should vaguely but firmly confront.....it's up to you when or if you gather more evidence. If you do it now, be VERY firm and simply say "I know everything that has been going on with OM and I am unwilling to continue in this relationship like this." If you say too much without solid evidence, she will challenge every word you use. If you say affair, she will argue that they didn't have sex. If you say you saw all the texts, she will say it was work related. You get the point.

I think I would also mention that you've spoken to a lawyer so she sees how serious this all is to you.

Dear Goose-em,

My FWH partially confessed on D-day. He did not admit to sex. He was TT'ing me over the course of a few days. Finally, I over-accused him, bluffing and saying I KNOW YOU ARE LYING!!

I did get some information from him that way. But the best method in our case was for me to say so long as it is in the past, I am willing to work on the M. I don't think your WW is at that stage yet, so I would bluff, do not reveal my sources and say "I know EVERYTHING." As others have said, tell her that if she tells you now, ends it and comes clean, you will consider staying married (if that is what you want). Either way, if you decide to R or D, you need to know what happened, in my opinion. It is your marriage, for goodness sake.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Prolonging it just seems to make the pain worse. TT is not something you can avoid, she will probably do it too. I do not think there is any way to prepare for such devastation. Sending prayers to you for peace.

You could tell her, you have proof and your attorney has it and unless she is willing to tell you everything.... she had better get herself an atty.

Just my thoughts.

@Bigger-

Recording her conversations, tracking her with GPS, pilfering her phone… these can actually cause you legal problems if you try to use the info in a legal context.

Doesn't this matter based on who owns what? And I don't get the feeling he is looking for legal proof but rather personal proof.

@goose-em-

There is no way to avoid TT. There have been ones who have been caught in the act and say "it's not what you think"

But the more you have the better it is to not get the TT or at least less of it. Ideally, you should have enough to answer all of your questions so you needn't be dependent on what WS says. And we all like to think we are sound and strong minded but if you very much want to R and I get the feeling you do, you will have a tendancy to believe whatever she serves up to you. Get your solid proof! What happened to your buddy that was going to shadow her?

Well, in my opinion, it wasn't a wise choice to go on that skiing trip when you know somethings up and she doesn't. I venture to say that the trip wasn't enjoyable because you knew that they could possibly be together at that moment.

I think that you are in a big state of denial or that you don't want to know all the facts and holding on to a thread of hope that you may be dead wrong on all of this. Thus, you're pulling the bandaid off VERY slowly.

I don't mean to sound so blunt; however, you said it yourself. This is killing you. In my opinion, its time to hurt and then, time to heal.

Goose...

I know how hard it is to try to act normal while collecting evidence.

BUT - I have to agree with Mission. Here's why -

My Story - Time line

9/07 - knew something was up - WW wasn't acting normal

10/12/07 - Told her I suspected affair - she denied.

10/17/07 - found 125 emails between her and OM - ALL suggestive - none absolutely confirming. (Heard HOOFS - didn't expect ZEBRAS)

Continued to monitor - GPS - VAR - Email - Phone records, etc.

11/17/07 - Confronted - She denied - said it was just "Inapropriate emails".

After 4 months of pure hell - with me knowing she went to his motel room at least 2 times..

3/08 - She admitted they "Made OUT" a couple of times, but NO sex.

11/09 - (2 years after first confrontation) and after many more months of feeling like I didn't know the truth -

She admitted - he performed oral sex on her ONE time - But NO intercourse....

Moral of the story:

Now 3 1/2 years later -

We are reconcilled...

Do I feel I know the whole truth?

Somedays I do - Somedays I don't.

There IS, and will probably ALWAYS be doubt.

Just like Bigger said - I wanted to deny - But the HOOFS were really loud.

- The emails I read were suggestive - One even mentioning that his favorite panties were white lace -

One where he was concerned about becoming impotent because of his diabetes. Her reply 'Not if I have anything to do with it'.

Do old friends discuss such things without being sexually intimate? (intercourse)

Hell - I don't think so.. Am I wrong? ...see -I still am in denial and doubt my own sanity...

Point # 1 is - what you find out on your own is very likely ALL you will ever know.

Point # 2 - Trickle Truth does work to the advantage of the Wayward Spouse.

I read this in the book 'Surviving the Affair', by Fred McAllen, but didn't believe it at the time.

Turns out - he is right.

Reason being - The more time that passes - the more the BS accepts what has happened, overcomes the initial shock, and is able to deal with it.

The more time that passes - the more time the WS has to prove they are worthy of R.

Thus, when bits and pieces of truth come to light at a later time - it is no longer as much an issue. Sure, it hurts, but the realtionship has something positive at that time to counter balance the new information..

But if I had learned of the oral sex on DDAY - I would have D.

But to learn it 2 years later - after the A was over - After WW had showed change and SOME remorse - No.

She won!!!!

Another thing I read in that book I had not thought about.

You have to look at it from a WS point of view. A WS has every reason to not confess, and very little reason TO confess. That's why most never do.

About the only reasons to ever willingly confess is:

1. Help BS heal

2. Clear their conscience

When weighed against all of the reasons not to confess - it's no wonder confessions are so rare.

Sorry for the length of this message, but I just wanted you to get a glimpse of what it is like for a BS who didn't get the truth - even after 3 1/2 years.

Unfortunately for me - I was latet to the party. By the time I discovered the A - it was for all intents and purposes 'over'. Therefore, learning anything through snooping was not going to happen.

Fortunately for you - It appears your WW's A may still be ongoing and you might have a chance to find the truth so you can make INFORMED decisions regarding your future. Instead of stumbling around in doubt the rest of your life.....

Good luck,

Still

[This message edited by stillnpain at 10:43 AM, February 28th (Monday)]

SHAKING>>>>>

FINALLY GOT HER DELETED MESSAGES>>>

I HAVE 100% ABSOLUTE PROOF.

read the first text "Do you have time for a quickie" ? I want you so BAD"

STOP READING AND FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR>>>>>

THIS FUCKING BITCH. I'M TELLING HER TONIGHT. I HATE HER SHE IS A EVIL BITCH.

I'M GLAD THIS WEEK OF HELL IS OVER. SHE IS EVILLLLLL....

Dear Goose-em,

Go ahead and blow this thing out of the water. Shine the light on her secret trashy behavior, and let her know you know. I know it is hard, but it is best for you to let her share in your pain. Unload whatever you can onto her, and let her know the party is over.

Praying for you. Take care of yourself.

(((goose-em)))

You poor thing. My heart goes out to you. Try to use some deep breathing to steady yourself for tonight.

Best of luck.

((((Goose-em)))) Remember when you confront tonight, never ever ever divulge your sources. Strength to you!!!!

OHH goose...I'm so sorry..

I knew this was coming...

We feel your pain.

Please know we are with you...on your side..sending you strength..

You really will feel a bit better after you confront her and get this off your chest.

Please know we send you strength ..to do what you need to now..

Hugs.

Also...Don't delete anything..

Print EVERYTHING ...

Save it...you are in such a state right now..that you will want to see it all many times over before you actually believe it...

Stay strong our friend!

You will make it through this!!!

This is just me but I would send her the exact same text as she comes walking in the door...either she will catch on real quick and start spewing or it is a great intro to "I know you are having an A..."

Or ya can say the OM told you all about and sent you that message as confirmation to you...trouble in paradise anyone??