SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Goose - -

You do realize the first thing she will do is deny.

The 2nd thing is to say the texts were 'just a joke'.

Then - they are 'just friends'.

Then - nothing really happened. It was just 'talk'.

And on and on and on and on...

So do not reveal your source - make her confess or walk away until she does..

Goose-em,

You are so strong...

When I found two e-mails on my wife's IPod, I started screaming (despair, not anger)right away...I wish I had had the strength to gather my thoughts, come here first and gather more evidence...I was lucky that both she and OM admitted it right away, when the texts were really just suggestive and inappropriate...didn't know at the time how I could hve been gaslighted and denied...

[This message edited by Feb 8, 2011 at 1:20 PM, February 28th (Monday)]

How the HELL can people R? after this???????

THIS IS NOT A ONE NIGHT STAND. THIS IS THE WHOLE THING. THIS IS EVIL AT THE CORE!!

THIS IS PLANNED...LYING CHEATING ETC ETC?? THIS SHIT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR MONTHS!! MONTHS!!!!!!!

WTF?????

CAN ANYONE MAKE IT THOUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS????? I SEE 0% CHANCE!!!!!

OMG>>>> I CANT DO THIS!!!!!!!

How the HELL can people R? after this???????

Some dont...and thats OK.

Divorce is frequently the answer...only you can do what is right for you - given the circustances....

You dont have to decide right now.....some suggest that you take 6 months to decide...

deep breaths, bro...you will be OK....one way or another....

Bufffalo

((((goose-em))))

it's okay, get it out

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do

you don't have to make any big decisions right now - especially right now when you have been hari-karied emotionally

Okay dude, BREATHE!!!! As much as it feels like your world just ended, it hasn't. You found out the truth you were looking for and now YOU have control of your life right now. You are gonna go through a lot of emotions right now, that's okay. IT'S NORMAL! Keep posting and keep your wits about you.

Goose,

OMG...So sorry.

Maybe for right now stop reading. There is only so much your brain can accept at one time of this shit.

How do people reconcile after this? I don't know. I didn't. I don't think I could have. However, I confronted too soon, he continued to lie, blame shift and gas light. In the end I never got any answers.

So even if you don't want to reconcile, like EVERY betrayed spouse, you do deserve answers and you do deserve the TRUTH. I sincerely hope you get it.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:36 PM, February 28th (Monday)]

OK I've done screen shots...and saved them

Be sure they are saved somewhere other than the computer hard drive. If you can, email them to yourself so you can access them elsewhere if necessary. I say this because the first thing my X did when he realized I had discovered his hidden computer file of pix of them in the act (in our bed, no less), was pick up the computer and smash it to the floor!

I was lucky, took it to a computer forensics technician, and he was able to restore everything onto a separate drive- but be aware- if she smashes the computer, there goes your proof.

So sorry- this hurts something awful. Keep posting, we are here for you...

((((goose-em))))

tw

goose'em,

I am very impressed by how well you have held it together. That speaks volumes!! You can do this!!

In my case, it was when I told WH that OW's BH called me that he felt like it was over. If you can find out if he's married, do so.

Also, don't freak out about what you are feeling (make sense??). It's okay to feel lost, up, down, backward, love her, hate her, want to hurt her back, etc. It IS ALL part of the ride you NEVER asked to be on. Trust us.

180 will save you from falling too far down. Eat what you can, drink water, rest if you can. Read the texts as much as you need or as little as you need, but don't lose them!

As others have said, this is the part where she gaslights, denies, makes any and every excuse to tone down those texts. DON"T fall for it. THEY ALL DO THIS.

Seriously, when I came to SI, I thought I was alone in my situation. As I read more and more, I often had to take a second look at whom was posting a particular topic as it READ EXACTLY like my situation...down to the WORDS coming from the WS' mouth.

I swear, we at SI could write a book, "What to Expect When Your Spouse is Cheating". NO JOKE.

Take care of yourself, post here BEFORE doing anything in anger or despair!!

As my incredible MC tells FWH and I, If you feel like doing or saying something and it feels like it is NOT coming from a place of love or wisdom, TEXT ME. We do. It has saved us eleventy-million arguments! So, POST HERE!

Major hugs to you and to your hurting heart. I know the feeling you felt when you fell from your chair.

I am sorry.

[This message edited by Trying_To_Decide at 1:49 PM, February 28th (Monday)]

She will also blameshift. "You didn't do this." or "You didn't do that" ILYBINILWY "Haven't loved you in a long time." Yet, she probably told you she did when you went to work this AM...blah..blah. Don't fall for it, this is not your fault.

[This message edited by crossbar at 1:53 PM, February 28th (Monday)]

If you asked me that question on Friday night I would have said I am 100 % success story. I had a large pothole in the road this weekend, but we have made it through so far. I think I will make it and there are many that do.

The only way this will happen though is if your WW is remorseful and wants your marriage to work. You won't know that until you confront her though. My FWH led me through 18 months of false reconciliation - not until I was ready to walk out did he get knocked off the fence.

Peace to you

(((goose))) You are in hell right now - this takes time. We all know how you feel - just keep posting and breathe. You will get through this. Hang in there - we are all here for you.

Hang in there my man. Your emotions are all over the place, but that is the most logical response to what you've just confirmed.

Hard for you to believe or understand right now, but we've all been exactly where you are right at this exact moment. It is HORRIBLE. No one here is going to tell you differently, but hold on to yourself. You CAN do this.

You don't need to make any decisions at this moment at all. Take all that pressure off of yourself.

Keep posting. It helped me a TON in the early going.

[This message edited by IHTop at 2:21 PM, February 28th (Monday)]

Goose.

Calm down.

Frankly nothing will get worse in the next days.

If she’s having an affair (and it sounds that way) then bluntly and far from subtly it won’t make a difference if she has seen OM 20 times or 22 times. So there is no rush as such. I know I pushed you into action but I’m not pushing you into jumping off a cliff.

I am however pushing you into action. I am pushing you into having a plan and to see it through.

I think you have been spending too much time using various methods to gather indicative evidence without using that evidence to get the payload. I think you have all you need to EITHER confront her OR create the situation where you catch them.

I don’t think you are strong enough to bluff her right now. That’s not meant to belittle you. It’s a tough thing to do and one needs a certain ability (not necessarily a good one) to manage it. So calm down. Think your options through. Can you set up the situation where you catch them? Can you prepare the confrontation where you bluff her?

One idea is to create a Hotmail/Gmail account and simply send yourself a post exposing the affair. Confront her with that as the basis for the accusation, saying it came from an old friend or an anonymous tip-off. Or how has she been financing the affair? Can you confront her with phone-bills and/or bank statements?

Calm down. Start planning confrontation but remember – if you don’t do it today tomorrow will still come. It’s OK to wait until you feel more secure in what you do AS LONG AS YOU EVENTUALLY DO IT.

and remember - this is not your lovely bride - this is your Wayward Wife. The hardest part is trying to recognize this person - its so painful. Be strong - you can do this.

How do you avoid TT....without knowing for sure on the A?

I don't know if there is a way to avoid TT, that is her decision to make. I can tell you that TT is extremely common and the WS's that don't TT are often the ones whose marriages recover much faster. Again, the ball is in her court.

Can I bluff her into admitting it....just like above?

I found multiple affairs, he confessed to nothing without direct proof.

Or is that why I need to know for sure?

This is just my personal opinion, based on my own personal experiences. My relationship with my WS was all over the place prior to discovery, he could be very loving one minute and then turn around and be incredibly selfish and cold. Upon discovery he turned into a cold hearted viper, he swore his love to me, promised NC and then immediately emailed the whore basically saying that he would be back in touch.

Some people are telling you to threaten divorce, I would say that you NEED to get to an attorney right away. You need information and also if she doesn't think you seriously will throw her out she will try to keep sneaking around.

Hey goose---when you confront---don't do it in a public place---do it at home no kids---with a VAR

Sorry, I was working on that last post and didn't see where you had confirmation, when I mad my last post.

How the HELL can people R? after this???????

For me, it's simple... kids...

Only a fool would stay with a serial cheater otherwise and I'm not that stupid.

If I had to do it over again, I don't know if I would have stayed together after D-day, nothing is worth this much pain.

You have to do what is right for you.

Also try to find out who is wife is, as soon as she gives lover boy the heads up, you become the irrationally jealous husband when you try to contact her.

OK – I just saw the confirmation you have.

Goose – go for it! Confront! Get it over with!

There is NO profit whatsoever for you to wait.

A word of caution....don't do it in a public place. A friend of mine confronted her cheating husband in a public place and a passer-by called the police concerned that it was going to escalate into violence.