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Goose, check you PM. Some more info for you.

Those are foggy statements alright.

Today's forcast is cloudy...with a 100% chance of FOG.....

It's nice to see you can post something witty while going through this shit storm. Your kung fu is strong.

(((((goose-em)))))

thanks for checking in, so many of us are thinking of you

as for the nonsense she is starting to spew, well you are ready and prepared for it so you are in a way better place than many of us were in those early days...

loved your response to her though...

and that bullshit about the kids whenever she dumped your children onto a babysitter/family member to get some strange on the side - that was taking away from the kids....

she's bought her own bullshit and is now trying to sell it to you...

don't buy in

did you get any sleep last night? thankfully your employer is aware of your sitch

and i have to admit that i liked the previous poster's idea of selling that audi and buying her a shitbox, seems fitting given she is full of shit

and the knock to that over-inflated, entitled, hot shit ego of hers would definitely be a bit more reality....

and, of course, priceless

consequences, consequences - ooo they are one mean bitch

you are doing great, keep posting

have you gotten any leads yet on discovering the bw?

I would try searching his last name on FB and see if you cant find his wife that way.

(((Goose)))

Ya did great!

You are now going to get educated on more things in the class you never wanted to take!

Both of you will have your emotions bouncing all around. She may try to bullshit you for awhile--my WS did for a week or so then gave it up. One or both of you may feel the sudden desire for lots of sex (it's known as "hysterical bonding")

You want to know how anyone can reconcile after this? There is a reason WS act very similar during an affair and after D-day. Instead of thinking of her behavior as "evil", think more in terms of her having an addiction. For many, the fantasy & adrenaline & everything else involved in an A becomes addictive. Your wife just had a big time intervention by being outed, but she will probably go in and out of that altered state of mind for awhile. Literally--think ALTERED STATE...which we refer to as the "fog" around here. It is no coincidence that most of our WS's say and do many of the same things--like they are reading off the same script!

Whenever possible, I try not to make big life-changing decisions while I'm really upset. You (and your WS) are more than upset right now--you are both in a state of trauma.

You just don't know how things will go with your WS. She could be one who pulls out of the fog quickly--becomes truly remorseful, wants to go to individual and marraige counseling, is willing to become transparent & do whatever it takes for you both to heal from this crap. If you are willing--this kind of reaction is a good candidate for reconcilliation. Many here can attest that it is possible, and that with a lot of work and time, your marraige can be better and stronger than it was before as a result.

On the other hand, she may be one of those that keeps trying to bullshit you & find ways to continue the affair (secret e-mail accounts, secret cell phones, etc.).

You just don't know right now & won't know right away.

edited to add: YES, you are going to hear some incredibly foggy, truly STUPID shit come out of her mouth right now. Note it, but don't take it to heart. It's giving you insight into the altered state she has been in that allowed her to justify her bad behavior. This part won't last...it's just what they do when fantasy gets exposed to the cold light of Dday.

[This message edited by Tal at 10:15 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

I know you are going through hell. I've walked a few miles through it myself. But, you are SO strong in how you're handling things.

Remember, "believe only half of what you hear." I would say post-Dday I could believe only about 25%. I am still discovering things that WH lied about before and after the reveal, even though he has been good about trying to remember things he said and correct them on his own.

Keep swimming!

hey goose-em

Your rollercoaster ride has just finished cranking up the first rise, your at the top, a moment of calm before things get 'interesting' again.

For yourself if your having problems sleeping, with shakes, or any other symptoms go see a doctor they may be able to give you something to help, concentrate on trying to eat something and drink plenty of water.

Now that youve confronted her you need to take some time and assess her reaction, Above all judge her by her actions not her words, You should get an idea fairly quickly of wether she is going to at least outwardly cling to the M or wether she's ready to walk.

Then depending on what you want you know how to react.

If its over, done and dusted for you, then dont bother engaging with her more than necessary, limit all contact and get things rolling with your lawyer.

If your not sure, or want to give it a shot at repairing things, then if she is willing to cooperate you need to lay out your conditions, at the minimum these usually include a No Contact, Transperancy, Honest discussion...see the FAQ for details.

If she is unwilling to do those or isnt interested in the M then id advise you to read the posts here about the 180 SerJ's one in particular. Focus on you and your children.

let us know how things are panning out and what your thinking, There is a lot of experience here and wwe can help point out many of the pitfalls that we fell into.

Thinking of you today. It hurts so bad but it's finally out. She is squirming right now. So is he. How did your daughter find out? I'm so sorry.

Remind yourself of these things: It's not about him being better than you. There's nothing you could've done in the marriage that would warrant an affair on her part. The fog creates thinking that is so crazy and when they come out of it they will realize that much of it isn't true. Don't let her fogginess destroy you. I know it hurts but it's not true. She feels free with OM? That doesn't mean life with you is constricting.

I'm so glad you found us before D-day. You are doing great. I know it seems like you will never feel better. You will.....eventually. You are worth being exclusive with. Don't accept ANY less. Take care.

[This message edited by DevastatedTwice at 10:51 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

Goose – you find and tell his wife. Don’t threaten it, don’t warn your wife. Just do it.

Needed repeating.

What I don't understand is why does it become the BS responsibility to find and let the other Betrayed spouse know of the affair.

I would put that responsibility back onto the Cheater. Have her find the spouse and tell her- to deal with the consequences to her actions and face the hurt, anger and pain she has caused to another individual because of her selfish needs.

Probably because the WS never will, however, I think they get an easy out with putting ANOTHER thing on the BS to "take care of/fix" I would put that as a condition of reconciliation.

[This message edited by southsidecali at 11:00 AM, March 1st (Tuesday)]

Goose, I am laughing and crying with you at the same time. WTF is the right question to ask in reply to what she is saying. OMG!!! I can't believe some of this stuff.. not only does it come from some sort of "Cheater's Handbook" or something but also it is just so incredibly up in cloud coucou land that it is simply mind blowing. Hang in there and take it one hour at a time.

What I don't understand is why does it become the BS responsibility to find and let the other Betrayed spouse know of the affair.

I would put that responsibility back onto the Cheater. Have her find the spouse and tell her- to deal with the consequences to her actions and face the hurt, anger and pain she has caused to another individual because of her selfish needs.

Probably because the WS never will, however, I think they get an easy out with putting ANOTHER thing on the BS to "take care of/fix" I would put that as a condition of reconciliation.

I agree with you 100%, and that is exactly what our MC said. He recommended that WH tell the other BS over speaker phone with me sitting there to confirm.

Not sure if goose-em is interested in R, though, or if his WW would have the guts.

It is the BS's responsibility because most WS WILL NOT do that right after dday and the other spouse has a right to know ASAP.

I think this thread needs a forum of its own.

Wow (((goose))) I just read all your posts.

You are amazingly strong and clear headed. I WISH i knew everything I know now about gathering evidence etc. etc... I envy how you were able to remain calm and get undeniable proof before confronting...

I regret the way I handled the discovery of my H's affair.

I hope that everything works out for you the best it can. You have shown that you have amazing strength and can handle a whole hell of alot! You will survive and will be better because of it.

It becomes the BSes responsibility because another BS deserves to hear *the truth* from someone who cares about them and understands their pain. Cheaters are not qualified for the job and are not able to handle the responsibility.

It becomes the BSes responsibility because another BS deserves to hear *the truth* from someone who cares about them and understands their pain.

I'm going to disagree with you, I think its the BS who's own issues to "FIX" things takes over. You don't owe anyone ANYTHING but ONTO yourself. As a BS you did not HURT or ask for that responsibility. I feel strongly that just like I teach my children to accept responsibilities to their actions and place the responsibility on "thinking of what they could have done differently and prompt them to make amends, the WS needs to have that place on them" after all they were the ones who caused this situation. I believe it is part of them learning to make amends to the people they harmed.

I will use an analogy to drive my point forward. If you are dealing with a drug addict WS, is it your responsibility to inform everyone that your Spouse is a drug addict and that you are sorry for what their actions caused other individuals? NO, it is part of their recovery. Granted we are dealing with two different people, those that are "working on fixing themselves" and those who take the easy way out and have the BS "fix and make amends for them" but ultimately it comes to personal responsibility for their choices.

Cheaters are not qualified for the job and are not able to handle the responsibility.

I am sorry but that sounds as an excuse to their deplorable behavior, where is the consequences to them, if you allow them that only reinforces their belief in "it's ok for me to be a selfish person" because I didn't know or have to face the FULL consequence of what I did, because My Spouse will "fix it".

I understand that the other BS need to know, but that should be placed directly on the WS and if he doesn't then you are only allowing that free pass on true remorse / regret lesson.

If no reconciliation then yes, I think it is acceptable for the BS to let the other one know.

Goose. . .

Just something to think about. Since you two have been very active in your church (don't think you would be going to a Monday night Bible Study if that wasn't the case) --

You should discuss what is coming down with your pastor or assistant pastor. For one thing, she shouldn't be leading a Bible Study -- and it may help her to defog if she realizes the pastoral staff know what she's been up to. . . .

If ever there was a philosophy that would reinforce someone's belief that "it's ok for me to be a selfish person", it's this one:

You don't owe anyone ANYTHING but ONTO yourself.

Personally, I will teach my children better than that.

goose'em, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

"It was the only time I felt free"

I told her...Well you're free now...

Good answer! You didn't fall into the pit of arguing with a foggy spouse and their insane arguments... Yeah, like sneaking around committing adultery, lying and ruining the lives of both your spouses and your children and two marriages is "freeing".

How are YOU holding up?