SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

GOOSE

I keep coming back to the thought that...your hard line with this...and following the 180 ..and laying the law and rigid guidelines......MAY be what saves your marriage...

IF

Its salvageable!

Your best interests are in our heart.

I will pray for you all tonight.

The waffling is very normal. You'll feel totally bipolar for a few more days at least. But you're right. Just stop and breathe. Think before you act.

We've all been there. You'll be all over the place mentally from moment to moment. Expect it.

The 180 helps you get control over that. It really does. It's not easy but it will make you feel better.

As for the OM's BS, you have their address and know what they drive. You could do a drive by and if he's not there, just deliver the letter in person. I dont think you'd have to stick around while she reads it if you don't want to but at least you will know she got it.

You know the path you need to travel. Now you just need to stay the course.

You really have done remarkably well. Stay strong!

((Goose))

Take time to breathe. In many ways this experience is close to a death in the family.

Some have posted that it feels worse.

I am so sorry you have to go through this and be here. Heck, I am sorry any of us are here.

BUT I am grateful for the wisdom and caring that comes from complete strangers all sharing this bond of infidelity.

At this point, you are bombarded with so much information I know your head must be swimming.

When you come up for air...do take that letter to the OBS and hand it to her. You need to ensure that she got the information! Don't tell WW..what you will be doing, just do it.

Without revealing where I work, trust me...the certified, restricted delivery is not fool proof.

When needed they use temps to deliver mail and these temps are not full trained to handle confrontations with customers that insist they CAN sign for a restricted only letter.

Sorry but it is the truth.

So, please if you can do it yourself...perhaps your friend that helped you while you went skiing can deliver it for you.

Hope the info helps..

((Goose)) Hope you are okay today...thinking of you

Stay Strong, G!

You CAN survive this...hence the site's name!!

Goose ~ I know you are still reeling emotionally. I am so sorry.

You are doing fantastic. I wish I had the benefit of others experiences so early.

It is not that any of the SIers can change their circumstances. It is just that we are all glad we can help your tornado-life-experience be as "easy" as possible for you. [That is for lack of a better way to say this! It is FAR from easy. But I have learned on SI that it CAN be WORSE.]

Praying for you.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS! She is going to try to bait you into being lenient(think like a teenager.) If you bend or break any of your boundaries that are set in place for YOUR safety and sanity as well as your children ~ then she will know you aren't serious and she can (in essence) take the time to get away with anything she wants.

Hugs and Hugs ~ Check on you later.

Hey man, how are you doing, we are all missing you here.

Hang in there!

We are all rooting for you.

I'm following the 180. She opened a checking account on Friday(from our same bank).

So Thursday night I did the hotel thing...and Friday/Saturday night I took my daughter to go visit my cousin.(4 hours) away.

So yesterday she calls me after she has been digging in the checking account looking at charges...and found the hotel room from Thursday night....what this? Were you with anyone...?? Long pause...no! She said I can't she doesn't care after everything she has done but she would have liked to sleep in our bed instead of the couch.

She started looking at all the charges on the account and said..are you just going to empty the account...

And then the funniest thing I have ever heard...."I'm being honest with you"!!!

I said REALLY??? OMG!!! You're being honest with me?????

Then 20 minutes later she find all Some of the charges that may have been related to my spying on her!

She said are you even with your cousin??? YES why?? OR did you take our daughter away so you could catch me cheating this weekend!!!

Ummmm....I have already caught cheating!!!!!( leads me to think she is still seeing him) or she is crazy.

She actually got mad at me for spending money to spy on her!!!!

I told her to take a step back and think about what you just said!!!

Guys I'm trying to let my head clear out before I make any rash decisions.

She hung out with the little bitch friend and her other friends that knows about the A. She doesn't seem consistently remorseful. She isn't begging or pleading! She have never said she will do anything to make it work. She still thinks it something lacking in me.

It's been less than a week, but I don't see how on earth this could work.

I went through all the deleted messages sent from her little bitxh friend and I didn't see anything shocking or that she condoned her behavior. Its already like they talked in person about the whole thing and not via text massage.

I don't know if I should take a hard line on the friend or not. My gut is telling me yes...

No, she is not currently remorseful. She isn't doing the bare minimum of what you asked to even consider reconcilliation.

She's rationalizing, blameshifting, being defensive, minimizing, being completely irrational and now is adding paranoia about you into the equasion.

You are looking at her and wondering if an alien came and altered her brain--thinking there is no chance there could ever be a way to save you marraige in the long-run.

Welcome to the fog we all told you about. She's been textbook--doing all of the things we told you she would likely do. We also told you that many, many WSs DO come out of the altered mind state ("the fog") after awhile. Even the seasoned WS on this site who stick around to help others went through it, that is why they can easily call newbies on their bullcrap.

You are very early in after D-day. What she is saying and doing right now could be very, very different from how she will be acting in a month or two.

Tal. I hope you are right And you guys have been right all along so I completely trust you. It's just so weird living with someone who is acting this way! She is really acting crazy. I'm trying to be patient and work on the 180! One part of the 180 I wasn't doing is actually happy! I have been acting cold(like she hurt me) instead of happy and I'm moving on with my life. So I will fix that.

Also still working on telling the OMW. I should have her cell phone number from that service on Monday.

As was said before---you drew your line in the sand in re: her GF----your wife knowing full well your request for NC with her----continues to disrespect you and chose her GF, over her own family----THAT RIGHT THERE SHOULD TELL YOU WHICH WAY YOU NEED TO GO

If the bitch friend had been someone who has been her friend for years, before she ever met YOU, then maybe I would consider putting that relationship on probation, BUT as you said yourself the friend came along the same time as the OM, so I think you are right that she should dump them both at the same time if she is serious about reconciling.

its pretty obvious that she has no respect for you, your marriage and your children ... and i usually find that when people are so quick to blame their spouse for cheating when they have no evidence of it that they are reflecting a bit from their own behavior so they are trying to find validation (even if she is already getting plenty of validation from her friends) ... idk how anyone can stay with a person as vile as her ... keep strong dude!

Yeah it's doesn't seem like she has any respect for our marriage,me or the family. That is why it's extremely difficult to even let her remain in my house. Even if she is in the fog....I'm not sure if I can do this for very long.

I mean she is still planning things with her friends right now...don't you think she should be fighting for her marriage and her family!!! Maybe she just assumes that it's over???

don't you think she should be fighting for her marriage and her family!!!

Not if she doesn't care about it.

Goose, if she is planning on getting an apartment why not just throw her out and file?

She's not stepping up to the plate and doing any of the things you requested. (maybe NC with OM, but I doubt that)

I think that telling the OM's BS, throwing her out and filing all at the same time will have a huge impact on her attitude. I for one don't believe that she just gave up the OM just like that. And there is more to this "best friend." Why would she cling so hard to some woman who she's only known for a few years?This is not a childhood friend or anything like that. I think there is some connection or go-between with her and the OM.

I also find it interesting that she is snooping on you. That to me is an indication of a guilty conscience. I think she has taken this thing deeper and this "best friend" is part of it.

goose-em wrote:

So yesterday she calls me after she has been digging in the checking account looking at charges...and found the hotel room from Thursday night....what this? Were you with anyone...?? Long pause...no! She said I can't she doesn't care after everything she has done but she would have liked to sleep in our bed instead of the couch.

Oh yes, it's common for the cheater to accuse the BS of cheating. It's part of their guilt that they won't admit even to themselves.

goose-em wrote:

Then 20 minutes later she find all Some of the charges that may have been related to my spying on her!

She said are you even with your cousin??? YES why?? OR did you take our daughter away so you could catch me cheating this weekend!!!

More blameshifting of course. How DARE you catch her cheating!

goose-em wrote:

She hung out with the little bitch friend and her other friends that knows about the A. She doesn't seem consistently remorseful. She isn't begging or pleading! She have never said she will do anything to make it work. She still thinks it something lacking in me.

It's been less than a week, but I don't see how on earth this could work.

I really don't see how this is going to work either, now that you say she not only has one enabling friend, she has a group of friends that knew about the affair. I'm willing to bet that she has distanced herself from those friends that wouldn't approve of her actions and surrounded herself with friends that do. That is her cheating support group. You can bet that they are ALL demonizing you. That's why you are not going to get any consistent remorseful actions from her, not when she has friends that support her actions while demonizing you.

edited for spelling.

[This message edited by lordmayhem at 6:31 PM, March 6th (Sunday)]

Don't be surprised that she isn't remorseful...my FWW never was. She wanted to have her cake and eat it to. In her mind I am the reason that her happy little world came crumbling down. She knew she was done with the marriage and could have cared less how it ended.

It might just be my opinion but I don't follow the 180 notion to not be cold to my FWW. I am happy to be divorced, but I treat her rather coldly unless our daughter is around. My thought on this is simple...I have as much emotionally vested in communications wih her as I do buying a toaster. To me it is nothing more than a business transaction, and one with a person that I do not care for. I continue to act this way because it helps me deal with her, and it pisses her off immensely. She has asked me on several occassions why I act this way and I am very honest with her, my response is always the same "if it wasn't for our daughter I would not associate with a lying dirty whore like you".

It's not a course of treatment that I would recommend for everyone, but it works for me. I hope that things go better for you. Stay strong, there are a lot of people here rooting for you.

goose ~ Again you are doing great. And, again; I am so sorry you have to do all this.

Something that I tell my young adult sons, my young daughter, my friends and myself is this: Do you really want someone who doesn't REALLY want you?

Think about it. Someone who wants you will automatically do lots of things to show you love. Someone who doesn't really want you will always take you for granted and expect you to do all the work in a relationship...because after all, YOU are the one who WANTS them.

My son's gf recently ended their relationship. She just wasn't that into him. HE was the one doing all the contacting, paying for dates, calling her, doing sweet things for her...and she was SUCKING it UP! She enjoyed all of his attention, gifts and special occasions he created for her! I am actually surprised that she is the one who broke it off from him. I expected him to get tired of it. However, he "loved" her so much he was willing to accept crumbs from her when he was offering her a feast!

I KNOW this is so hard. I KNOW it is life altering. However, I believe it is very important to have a life partner who REALLY wants YOU. That is a person who will stick with you to create the good times and (more importantly!) problem solve through the bad times. Someone who doesn't really want you will dump you when things get tough.

Think about what you really want for your life.

She may come around when the fog dissipates and she may be that woman who can truly be your life partner. Maybe not. You have to decide how long you are willing to "wait" to see. This is a great thread about a "timeline" this SIer made for herself. Maybe it will help you. Check it out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389&HL=30634

The great part about life is that you get to decide how YOU want it. Any life changing decision can be difficult to make but you get to be in control of your decisions. Try to make the decisions that you will be happy you made.

Hugs and Hugs