SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

goose, you can google 'read verify' - it's a tool that will help confirm your email to the BS was received...

don't pet the sweaty stuff

Goose - -

I have usede readnotify dot com -

It is free trial - and you can make sure your email is opened...

Not only does it tell you when it was opened - it tells you how long it was open - what browser - if it was forwarded - how many times, etc....

I fear that the OM would anticipate you initiating contact and will be intercepting the emails...

[This message edited by stillnpain at 8:43 AM, March 4th (Friday)]

I used my life to send the email...so I don't actually have a real email address..

I get loads of garbage emails from "MY LIFE" and i delete them. If you open it, it sends you dozens more...

Might need to explore another way to find her goose.

Goose -

I agree with tryin - need another way to find her..

I have access to 2 different people search - with reverse phone look-up, etc...

If interested - PM me..

Ditto about mylife! I get sooooo much garbage from them and it doesn't seem to work anyway. I tried to get in touch with an old friend and when I didn't hear back I got in touch another way and they said they never got it so they sent to me and I never got it either...I think the site is a waste and real emails go into black holes.

If you are into spending a little money to get a cell number for her try nonpub dot com. If they don't get the number they don't charge and they turn around in 24 to 48 hours. I have used them and they're good.

Be careful of thinking that she is NC. That is a common line of thinking with new BSs that ends up leading to d day 2, 3, etc. IMHO, I don't think she's done.

The lack of willingness to give up such a new friend is telling and troublesome...

Do you think that if she ditches the friend then the friend in payback will go to you with lots more?? Is that why WW is holding onto this friend for dear life? Does anybody else think that may be the case?

But nevertheless I wouldn't depend on mylife. In my experience, she'll never get it. I now have them on spam filter.

Hi Goose,

BH here, years out. I haven't posted in months, and you are getting great advice, and following it, but wanted to chime in about the work and bff situation.

For your foggy wife, her "friend" represents the validation and freedom even more than the OM. She will fight like hell over keeping her. And for you, obviously the bff is not a friend of the marriage, and needs to go, so you'll push.

I pushed. Our first MC sessions were all battles over her and her friend. There was a weird dynamic there. And the friend was bad news (had two affairs during my wife's a).

What happened? Well, eventually my fww defogged, focused on R. At that point, she seemed to avoid her former bff. And the bff got pregnant, and refocused on her husband, and became terrified on me. Years later, I'm actually ok with my fww hanging out with her again, but the funny thing is, she doesn't want to.

Focus on the defogging. Once your foggy wife sees the destruction, hurt, and loss, especially to her and her kids, part of her will be aware of the danger of the bff. Try to establish no contact between fww and bff, but keep pointing out that real friends don't let a friend self-destruct.

The bff is dangerous (huge correlation between friends with loose morals and a person straying), but that isn't the main battle. Confirm contact with the obw. Don't trust anything from your wife but actions. Confirm everything.

Oh, you are doing a great job - I rarely see this much confidence in a bh. Be proud. When the blows to your ego become too much, try to keep doing one thing daily to make you feel good about you - work out, or kick butt at work, or finish a task, or get a haircut. Something that makes you feel good or proud. It helps.

Hang in there.

Goose,

You are doing such a fantastic job!!! You are to be commended for the way in which you have held up. Keep up the great work.

It was 3 weeks of total NC from D-day before my wife even began to de-fog enough to put a toe on earth. I'd read at marriagebuilders that that was normal for any breakup, including an affair. 3 weeks before you can realistically even begin to talk at a semi-rational level, with a flake of perspective.

The advice on here is good, but it's mostly from people who are looking back from a period of months.

In my case, for my sanity - I promised myself that I would not undertake and further life-altering decisions while I was still in the throws of PTSD and nightmares. I decided I needed 3 months before I would bother myself with notions of whether I should stay or go. I found it to be a relief.

During that time, I forwarded all e-mails he sent to my wife - to HIS wife. Every time. Amazingly - he was so fogged his didn't realize how he was hurting his own wife, the extent of the damage. That 3-month window gave my wife a chance to surprise me, to show me that she was willing to face the consequences as the price of re-admission. When she balked at me spilling to the OW, I asked her which side she was on - the marriage and truth, or continuing the lie. I told her I didn't trust HER or HIM, but I did trust the OM's wife, and sought her as an ally.

[This message edited by VitaMan at 12:52 PM, March 4th (Friday)]

So I stayed out until 4am. I let her know I picked up boxes for her, and they are in the garage.. I spoke to her about my "things" in the house and that I don't care. I asked her not to take my youngest daughters stuff to lesson the impact of mommy leaving...she agreed with me. She asked me if she could stay on the couch for another week...I told her I'm cool with that if she starts IC and reads "not just friends"...she agreed....still working on telling the OMW...

Goose-em I gotta say that you have suffered one of the most difficult situations I can imagine. I've read through this thread mostly focusing on your posts and it broke my heart for you. I am amazed at your willingness to be kind to your WW. Amazing!

This thread just shows how helpful this site can be. There are some great people here.

I don't have any advice for you because my situation is not as bad as yours and you have handled yourself better than I have.

You're doin great.

hope you were able to get a bit of rest last night and a good meal

how was the hot tub?

so now you have set some boundaries for her to remain on the couch, be sure to enforce them should she disregard, you have to or she will smell blood in the water

i hope you can have a good day today and plan some fun for your children and yourself this w-end

All of your advice and support is giving me the strength to deal with this mess.

So I've had two nights of sleep without NyQuil. Which is good because I know that crap is not good for me.

I could feel myself get a little excited when my WW did IC today..and agreed to read the book.

How do I remain detached from her..and let her defog. I could feel a little piece of me get my hopes up and I don't want to be there yet. I guess just focus on the 180.

Keep yourself busy with other things and don't let her lure you in (walking around in her underwear). It appears you have high hopes of this maybe headed towards R but make sure it happens by your terms not hers. If you let her use her womanly wonders on you, she knows she can control you with that whenever and that actually just feeds this boost she gets from the A she had.

Stay busy, stay focused and someday you may be in HB with a WW that you hopefully will be able to put an F in front of (FWW).

Good luck, you are doing great! Let her see you being strong and happy and outgoing without being dependant on what she does or wants.

I agree with a previous post that the fight over the friend might be a diversion over the real issues of the A. But I think you already know that.

I wish I had an ounce of your strength and restraint!!

Of course, you have your hopes up. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. You didn't ask for this nightmare.

It is only natural to want some validation that the WW wants to R the marriage in some way.

Smart though not to put all your eggs in one basket and keep the 180.

You are in my thoughts!

((((Goose-em))))

I liked what sparky had to say.

It appears he has lived that scenario...and it makes a whole lot of sense.

Defogging is the most important. If your WW does come back to reality and recommit to the M, then maybe the BFF won't even stay in the picture by choice of your wife.

The BFF still needs to be kept away, but maybe can be downplayed some if you see your WW emerging from her fog.

Wow...the waffling back in forth is torture. One minute I'm ok an doing just fine then Wham it all hits me. Breath....

I can't believe you all went through all of this.

Do you know where the OM lives? When he works? You could go over and talk to the BW or look up the number to the address in the phone book, or send a letter so that you know that she got your information.

Yes, goose-we've all been through this and we've all made it-just like you will.

I mean, there's no question-in this equation-YOU and your children end up just fine when the dust settles.

You are doing a great job. Continue to breathe... this will all pass in time.