SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You need to talk to her about the upcoming trip right away.

Don't put it off any longer.

The longer you wait, the more she's going to think she can have it all, her lover and you.

And I'd tell anyone who'd listen about the A. A's have trouble surviving the light of day.

Trail

Listen carefully. The worst mistake you can make is to engage your wife as if she is a loving wife. Right now, she is not.

Example - You think should probably tell her that you are going to expose her affair. After all, that should make her stop, right? WRONG. She will pre-empt you, call her mother and anyone else she can think and say "Traildad is crazy. He thinks I am cheating with cousin and has made up a whole bunch of emails and phony phone bills to justify his craziness."

You don't think it will happen? Well, did you think she would want to have sex with her cousin????

You have been given great advice. 180, detach. Get to the place in your head where sharing her with her cousin is worse than divorcing her BECAUSE IT IS! Then get mad. I mean it. Anger is way better than self-pity and sadness. Anger gives you resolve to act in the best interest of your children and you.

Get yourself to a lawyer immediately. Do not wait a month for an appointment. Do it Monday.

And BLOW UP THE AFFAIR. Gather all your evidence - all the texts and emails you can recover. And BLOW IT UP to anyone who will have power to give your wife consequences.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT REVEAL SOURCES OR TELL HER WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO.

Please, please, please - find your inner strength to do this. You can save yourself. You CANNOT save her.

..my advice is perhaps jaded..but your story will come out to the family eventually. You get to decide when you will need to lean on the family for help. My experience and so many many others have been...if they can't offer NC willingly then there is little if no hope for true reconciliation. I'm so so sorry you have to go through that. Spend some time reading in the Healing Library about the EA and NC etc.. if you haven't already. Keep at your 180 even if you are sick inside.

Thanks Fly

Keep at your 180 even if you are sick inside.

This is the most difficult part. I am trying to hold the 180 but my stomach hurts I have so much stress. I just so badly want my family back together, but I know I must detach, and I am likely on a path to D. My 180 has made her mean toward me. She just said "just because I am talking to you doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you." WTF!! Mad at me???? How do you even respond to that???? She is talking to me like I am a giant puppet who must obey her.

Anyway, I am holding the 180 for now, I don't want to make any final decisions when I am just coming out of a fog for the past few months. I also don't want to have a major blowout on Easter, the kids deserve a good holiday. I am going to see a lawyer on Monday, so I can see if I need evidence, etc. before I start with ultimatums, etc.

I just can't believe the woman I so loved and enjoyed life with has gone so cold and heartless. It's almost like I have been mourning her these past few months, like the old her is now dead to me. She was my best friend and partner in life, now I am so lonely and hurt, and since I haven't told anyone yet, I don't even have a friend to turn to for support.

Thank you SI, it is because of this site that I have any hope of getting through this.

Now I have to go be the Easter Bunny while my wife exercises, again.

BTW - I have lots of questions about the 180, any of you veterans think I should ask them here or start a new thread in the general section? I want to run her actions by some people in the context of the 180.

Now that I have started the 180 she seems to be going after every weakness I have. A few months back she got a tattoo and I insisted on going with her as I felt a tattoo parlor with a bunch of men was not an appropriate place for her alone (I would have been fine with a gf going with her too, but she was gonna go alone). Anyway, she sensed my insecurity, and just now told me she wants to go get another tattoo from that cute guy, and wants to go tonight, alone (since we can't leave the kids here alone). She ended up not going, but man she is throwing daggers here. Brutal. I need armor.

[This message edited by traildad at 1:24 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

How long can this 180 thing go on before I have to take other actions? I mean, at what point will I know it is not going to snap her out of the fog?

The 180 is for you.

Sadly, it may or may not snap her out of anything.

It's precisely because she is bat-guano crazy right now that you are going 180.

Because you need to protect yourself from her insanity, from her disgusting lack of boundaries, and basically from her lack of respect for you, for herself, and for her children (to me, that's the most crazy of all -- and I know its a double standard, and I myself am a fierce feminist, but I NEVER get how mothers can do this).

180 for you, to get your bearings back. To figure out what you need for yourself.

I am sad to say that they don't always come back out of whatever shame/destruction spiral they succumb to. My XWH didn't. I thought I wouldn't survive the loss of my family as I knew it -- but I was wrong.

It's horrible. It's insane. It doesn't make sense.

And while you are being subjected to this disrespectful, abusive madness, you need to be the person you can trust. You need to hold up the standards you believe in. You need to have one person -- yourself -- whom you know won't let you or your children down.

You can do it. One day, one step, one foot forward at a time.

I hope she comes to remorse. I hope you get your family back, and better.

But your children need one responsible, reliable, sane parent -- for now that has to be you.

SO, 180 for you. Life is not about her, your life is not about her right now. Take this time for you.

If she doesn't begin to show the behavior of someone you would choose to be married to, it will wear on you until, if you are like many of us, you will know when you are done.

I wish you strength.

[This message edited by seeking wisdom at 8:39 PM, April 7th (Saturday)]

I mean, at what point will I know it is not going to snap her out of the fog?

Wrong plan. That is only a potential side effect of the 180. You should continue it until you no longer care if it snaps her out of it or not. The 180 is about you, and your mental health. It is about learning that you can not control her decisions, can not make her behave the way you want to, and learning that you will be alright, and can live your life, and be happy with or without her.

I don't have time right now, but I'll be back later. Take from an old timer that been here for a long time....EXPOSE NOW!!!!!

Don't worry about the 180!!! You can do later. Right now EXPOSE!.

End the fantasy!!!!!!!!

I'll get back on later. But expose!!!!!!!!

Take charge of your life!!!!!!'n

Srryo about the type-ooos. At

A Rock concert!!! BTW.... Shinedown Rocks!!!!'

Posting on SI from a rock concert = awesome!!

I totally understand that the 180 is for me, and it has been tremendous for me this week. I feel better than I have in months, I feel like I am finally moving on from all of this, with or without her. I guess I didn't phrase my earlier question that well.

What I meant was, I am doing the 180 no matter what, and I am doing it for me, but I obviously have to make a decision as to how long to wait for her before I file for D or expose, etc.

I am just really tired and worn out from family gatherings today, it was rough, she was distant and kept leaving to the bathroom to text him, it was obvious to everyone that things weren't right. At some point they are going to want an explanation, cause I was pretending all was ok, but she was NOT.

Right now I am just going to take one day at a time. Easter Sunday with family, not gonna do anything dramatic tomorrow like expose, etc., so I guess I can relax for a day, focus on the kids, and let be. Thanks guys again, SI rocks (literally for some).

From there, continue 180 and see a lawyer, beyond that, I have no idea. I just want to put myself in the best position possible if a D happens. But I am also mindful that I care about her as a person and really want to see her get help and get better, even if it is without me. This is why I am hesitant to expose, a lot of her mental issues are because of her mom, and if her mom finds out about this she will EXPLODE and it might make my WW's issues worse, not better. Her mom has battled depression, etc. This could take quite the toll on her as well. I know that isn't my problem, but I really do care about these people. I'm not going to allow that to keep me here sharing my wife, but I am going to keep that in mind with these decisions I make regarding how I deal with this. So for everyone saying I should expose, I sincerely appreciate the help, but the reason I am not jumping at it is what I just stated. I don't want to nuke the situation and have innocent casualties if I can go in with special ops. It is likely that everyone will find out eventually, but even if there is a 1% chance my wife will see the light in the time it takes for me to get things in order, then it would be worth it to take that time. But I am also mindful that I do not have forever. By time, I am talking weeks at most.

I appreciate everyone's feedback and advice, this site has literally saved me.

BTW - the long weekends home are the worse, when I am away from her at work I really feel myself getting through all of this, but 3 straight days of being with her 24-7 is EXHAUSTING, especially when she is going after every weakness I have. Now trotting around the house in skimpy undies and a t shirt.

Don't focus so much on the 180 as THE 180. I think the main gist of the 180 behaviors is to keep yourself protected from your WW's insanity. And yes, right now I would classify her as insane. The 180 is about detachment. The cool way that the detachment works, is that the longer you keep yourself and your emotions 'separate' from her--the more clearly you see her behaviors for what they truly are. Which is atrocious, IMO.

So if she starts talking to you about anything other than the weather or who won the basketball game? Maintain a blank stare with a meh attitude and just say OK. If she tries to get you to agree to something or engage? "Interesting. I'll have to think about it". If she turns into bitch-on-wheels all-out tantrum? Then look at her the same way that you look at a 2 yr old that is tantruming in a store. With pity and surprise. Then remove yourself. Go to a different part of the house, lock yourself in the bathroom or grab your keys & kids and leave.

Don't feed her ANY ego kibbles. Just like a child, she will get a 'charge' out of any attention from you whether it is positive or negative.

For right now do not worry about 'how long' you'll have to deal with this crap. That will sort itself out because one day you will wake up or something will happen and you will know that it is time to take action. Until that time comes, just continue the detachment behavior and start lining your ducks up so that when it's *go* time--you'll be ready.

Oh and as far as her acting so odd in front of friends and/or family? Do not just ignore it and do not make excuses for it. Don't let her 'oddness' become the elephant in the room. It would've been quite entertaining if you had just matter of factly stated "yea, WW can only text her boyfriend from the bathroom" and then just carried on with whatever you were doing.

Just keep reminding yourself--that marriage is composed of only 2 committed people. Anymore than 2 or anything less than committed is a recipe for disaster. And you are NOT going to *nice* her or *love* her or *reason* her out of her craziness right now.

Sorry you have to deal with this, but I'm glad that you found SI.

((hugs))

Please go to IC for you in order to cope and speak to an atty immediately.

Keep posting when you can here and lean on us.

(((huge hugs)))

Hang in there . I'm years past dday and I know how rough this stuff is.

You can't nice her back, you can't worry about how her mom nor her will take you exposing. Trust me whether or not u have mental illness going on or just an everyday leave it to beaver family exposing is what you need to do.

You seem sort of codependent on ur wife as many BS are. Keeping with the 180 will help you slowly detach.

You're way to worried about her reactions to things. Just like dealing with a two year old you don't worry about their reaction, you do what's best.

Im not saying expose today but if she won't go NC right away no matter what excuse she gives then you need to take the next step and let the family know with no warning to ur wife.

What I meant was, I am doing the 180 no matter what, and I am doing it for me, but I obviously have to make a decision as to how long to wait for her before I file for D or expose, etc.

May as well expose now. It is not the sort of thing that can be kept secret forever, may as well have the awkwardness come out now while it can be of some use to you.

As for how long to wait before filing for D, that is an individual choice, usually based on how long your give a shit can keep working before it runs out of shit.

Ok. Concert over!! One of best I've seen. Shinedown fucking rocks!!!!

Ok, T....expose to one person first!!! Her mom!!!!! Tell her everything!!!

Then sit back and watch the fireworks!!! Say nothing!!!

There's no hurry.....your ww ain't going anywhere. Trust me this has to be done now!!!!

180 is both to protect you and also a catalyst to a process that would take much longer otherwise. She'll feel the impact of losing you NOW instead of later when maybe it's too late due to the damage done. Or she'll move on to D.

Either way you protect yourself and you speed up the uncertainty part of this shit.

I think my biggest stress at this point is everyone knowing my WW had an A with her COUSIN. I worry what this will do to my kids, etc. If I tell my parents this, even if we R they may never look at her the same again, etc. But I also think it would be impossible to keep the stories straight if I decided to tell them she had an A but now with who. I am torn about this.

Anyone have any thoughts on who to tell? If this was an A with someone other than a family member, who would you tell (friends?,family?,coworkers?). Now put yourself in my shoes with the cousin thing, do I still tell the same folks the whole truth, or do I alter it a bit (like the woman who left out that her H had an A with another man)??

If I have different stories that I tell co-workers v. friends, etc. I feel like it will get exhausting to remember what I told to whom. But I want to minimize the damage to my kids, etc.

Also, do I threaten her with exposure to get NC? Or just expose, assuming it will get out anyway at some point, then I will have others helping, etc. ?