SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Ladies,

Anyone ever read this book and made a change that worked?

TIA

You mean the book by Laura Schlessinger? The one where she basically sets the equal rights movement and feminism back about 10,000 years?

I tried to read it ... but honestly I couldn't stomach it.

The whole premise that if you do everything right your man won't leave you or cheat on you and you'll be happy but he doesn't have to lift a finger to make the marriage good/better just makes me want to puke.

I simply cannot condone anything by her given her torrid past regarding infidelity.

She really shouldn't throw stones IMO.

AJ's MOM

Humm.. Wow, didn’t expect those reply’s.. LOL.. I listen to her on the radio all the time and she is very opposed to infidelity. You woman don't think people who have done wrong can now be the voice of reason?

I'm reading a book right now by Calle Zerro that might be coming from the man's perspective. His book's whole premise that if you do everything right, your woman won't leave you or cheat on you. After reading it once, I agree with Zerro. He did not say I made my wife's choice or decision for her, but giving me reasons. It’s hard to look at yourself after infidelity and see who you were. Reality is, I never learned how to be the best possible H and nothing wrong with change to be a man that a woman needs. I was hoping my W would read her book and work like me.

So I guess the key to success might be for both a man and wife to follow both! Not real sure now?

Anyway... I appreciate your honesty, but having listened to Laura. I know she is for equal rights and woman’s rights. I know she is against abortion if that is your definition of woman’s rights. Seems to me she says birth control is ok as long as you pay for it yourself. She’s against domestic violence, sexual harassment, sexual assault and for work force equality. You really think it is OK for a woman in a locker room interviewing a man with his dong hanging out? I like that she promotes mothers loving, holding, teaching, feeding, protecting, and nurturing babies. I’m all for woman working, but I know a woman misses out when the let others take care of their child. I know Men just don’t think the same way as a woman about kids. You guys know a far different woman in Dr. Laura than I know.

I guess being a man and knowing what I need, and the difficulty in my W has trying to understand me, I figured this book would be a good read for her. Maybe I should read it first?

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:05 PM, April 30th (Monday)]

Trynhard,

My opinion of her and her book has nothing to do with her past history of infidelity.

I am, quite simply, appalled by her attitude. It is anachronistic and misogynistic. She is a seriously anti-woman woman.

The advice in her book basically consists of "Feed your husband good food, stroke his ego regularly, act like a simpering helpless fool in order to make him feel strong and important ... OH! And never deny him sex." Because if you don't do all of those things he might cheat, and if he does you'll be, at least partly, to blame.

I also have HUGE issues with her presenting herself as a mental health profession when in fact her doctorate is in physiology. She is not qualified by anything, other than having a big mouth and a head full of obnoxious opinions, to be dispensing advice.

So, in short I don't care who she fucked or who she was married to when she did it. I find her approach to marriage to be a disgusting attack on the human dignity of women.

she is very opposed to infidelity

Not really. Ever heard how she justifies her affair? Then again, hers was "special." Cuz we've never heard that before.

And I completely agree with SG:

I find her approach to marriage to be a disgusting attack on the human dignity of women.

yeah, my MIL gave this book to WH to pass along to me - to help me become a better wife.

excuse me while I choke.

I was beyond insulted, and the book is nothing more than an exercise in telling a woman she should practically be waiting for her man with a negligee and a cocktail at the door when he comes home, a hot gourmet dinner waiting, and their perfect children quietly waiting to greet him.

puke.

The very premise that someone can "affair proof" their marriage by following some ridiculously demeaning guideline is absurd.

A marriage is made up of two people, and each have free will. They make choices. You cannot act in such a way that your partner will make one choice over the other.

I, too, find her past actions and justification of the same to be rather hypocritical.

I think there are better books out there on building a strong marriage and building up each partner within the marriage so that cheating is a less attractive choice. But let's face it folks--it will ALWAYS be a choice.

Cat

I saw one important message in the book when I read it years ago -- not to emasculate your husband.

And, no, I'm not saying don't fight or consider things unacceptable, etc. I'm talking specifically about emasculating, which I would consider to be a close cousin to misandry (the female version of misogny or man-hating for anyone who doesn't feel like getting out a dictionary )

Now, many people don't do this, much as most men are not misogynists -- but some women are taught to be this way by their mothers, grandmothers, etc. I know I was. My grandmother and great grandmother both "traded up" to richer husbands -- great grandma's was married to his 3rd wife at the time -- my aunt went through 3 husbands, my Mom stuck with Dad but he's not allowed to have any friends or outside interests -- I married WH at 27 and it was my second marriage -- and my sister is 35 and has never had a relationship last over a year. We were supposed to get married right out of high school to someone who would be rich. Period. Only expectation for us. And if the guy didn't make the $ then move on. Even now, my family complains my WH doesn't make enough $ and he makes more than average. I guess I just didn't get the golddigger gene.

Anyway -- I think that I did make a change that worked. I spent a lot of time in therapy as well (individual) trying to heal the harm that my disease (bipolar disorder) had done before I got treatment and also reversing this man-hating attitude my family teaches and I do think it worked. Not right away -- I could only make so much progress before I discovered the affair -- but once he chose to give that up, things are very different than they were say 5 years ago. My husband used to say he felt like he was just a paycheck. Well, he was kind of right. I'm ashamed to admit it. I really did care for him, but as long as the $ came in, and I got enough free time, I really didn't care what he was up to. That made it pretty easy for him to have an affair. Plus, I worked full time and went to law school at night for the first 3 1/2 years of our marriage. Anyway, yes. I think there ARE useful things in that book. And I also think there is a lot of BS. Hopefully we can tell the difference.

(and for what it's worth, even if I hadn't gotten sick or had a bad attitude, I do think my WH still would have had an affair. my stuff simply made it easier to justify and accomplish. the reasons he did it -- well, he would have done it to anyone he married. he had to fix that from within himself and make a different choice.)

I just don't care for the woman. Very irritating on the radio so I've never taken the time to read her books. There are better authors out there in my opinion........

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

How old are these husbands? Two?!

How old are these husbands? Two?!

"Dr." Laura seems to think so.

Or rather, she seems to think that men are "simple creatures" who are easily manipulated.

The parts of her book that are related to treating your spouse with common courtesy and respecting basic human dignity are spot on. The rest of the book is rubbish. But hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Since I listen to Dr. Laura every week and can understand her thought process a bit, I think what you describe to me is opposite of my take on her message. I’m going to read this book and see.

Not going to give it to my wife unless it meets my values

trynhard,

Her "message" is geared to appeal to conservative men in their 50s and beyond. And it usually does.

But women, in general, want to tie her down and beat her bloody for the negative myths about womanhood that she so casually perpetuates for the sake of making money off men. Her take on "keeping your man happy" is the same spiel that many BW's here had to listen to, either from their WS or their OW. It is the tripe that OW typically say ("if you kept him happy...").

Regardless of your wife's WW status, I have to say that if FWH insisted I read that book and implement it, I'd seriously question if he understood me as a woman and wife at all.

Just something to think about.

Fighting2Survive

See, this is the quote.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: “When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs ...

I think I could agree with her comment going back to well before I turned 50. Same could be said in reverse too about a man filling the needs of a woman.

The logic is that you fill all your H needs and he will not risk cheating. Of course, the exception is a sociopath but that is small %.

I'll read the book and let you know my opinion afterwards. I am glad I just didn't give it to my wife. I would not want to offend her.

BTW.. I read many comments on Amazon and 82% gave it high marks.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:23 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

The logic is that you fill all your H needs and he will not risk cheating.

And that's the problem because it is not true. That was the point I was trying to make in my previous post. OW (and OM) typically say, "Well if you had been meeting his needs...". It's a blameshift because if someone is not meeting your needs, you are NOT entitled to cheat.

I never could have met what my H identified as his "needs." He was selfish and he "needed" a lot. More than any human could provide because his expectations for M were unrealistic. And they were all about him. Those expectations never included giving to another person.

Unless you want that twisted logic turned around and used against you, I'd be very careful about handing it out to someone else.

Honestly? If a man dared give me this book to read I'd be HIGHLY offended. If a woman dared give me this book I would assume that she was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

I'm sorry but this book, and the others of its ilk that are heavily promoted by ultra-conservative Christians, are rubbish.

It makes perfect sense why they would appeal to men. It absolves them of all responsibility for their own decisions and choices, laying all of the responsibility and blame instead squarely on the woman's shoulders.

It is a disgusting example of pandering to the opinion of misogynists.

I tried living by that kind of twisted bullshit advice. Though it came not from "Dr." Laura, but rather from several Catholic sources. And you know what ... the rat bastard cheated on me for our entire marriage.

If someone is going to cheat, if someone is of such low moral character, if someone is so totally devoid of personal integrity, it doesn't matter what their spouse/SO does or doesn't do. They're going to a be an amoral piece of garbage because that is what they are.

I'm sorry but the idea that women are at fault for men cheating and that the key to a happy marriage is to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen cooking for your man is repugnant.

Edited to add -

It makes perfect sense that Laura S. would promote a view that absolves the sinner of their sin placing the responsibility instead on the shoulders of the injured party ... It clears the way for her to excuse her own infidelity.

That anyone can take that hack seriously is amazing and truly makes me wonder about their intellectual and logical abilities.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 11:51 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger: “When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs ...

We are surrounded by women who gave that a go. It's stupid advice, like most everything she has to say. It's not presented in a way meant to demonstrate respect and support to your spouse, it's presented in a way meant to be a shiny toy for your spouse.

Dr. Laura is a racist, sensationalist cheater. If there's anything useful in anything she's ever said it's doubtless been said better, by someone better.

I'm offended by the book too, and not just because of the way it treats women. I seriously believe Dr. Laura infantilizes men, and I would be offended if I were a man!!!!