From experience as a first class codependent I can say for months I struggled in the wake of the infidelity to find a place and way to detach and care for myself. Emotionally detaching from a dead marriage and abusive marriage can be extremely difficult. I heard from many on SI to develop indifference and detach. Learning to detach is vital if you ever hope to regain your health, happiness, sanity and sense of oneself. I believe this is an essential and healthy step in the process of recovery from this trauma.
Emotionally detaching requires that you change many of your attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Detaching is about disarming your spouse’s control over your happiness by eradicating his or her ability to hurt you. Before I began to detach, I needed to change my view and accept the following:
1. Love does not conquer all. What we have experienced through a relationship involving infidelity isn’t love; it’s abuse. You can love and let go, you can love and protect yourself.
2. You can’t fix or rescue someone from being abusive, sick, dysfunctional and lost in their own highly distorted reality. In fact, trying to rescue usually backfires and hurts you. The more you try to rescue, the more you will be hurt and emotionally abused.
3. This was really hard for me to get, but there is truth in this. You give your spouse the power to hurt you. When I finally detached her actions reflected her, hurt her, were not a reflection of me, or hurt me anymore.
4. You’re not responsible for your spouse’s happiness, failures, shortcomings or bad behaviors.
5. Continuing to hope for the best from someone who consistently gives you the worst is a set-up for more pain and disillusionment.
There’s no shame in admitting that you need to walk away from a relationship that’s destructive and toxic. It’s vital that you begin to develop a rational perspective and distance yourself from an ongoing hurtful relationship that you can neither control nor change. Many people remain in abusive relationships well beyond a point of personal pain and devastation that defies reason. You need to come back to your senses and see your partner for who she is and your part in it.
Here are some detachment techniques that worked for me:
1. I focused on being solely responsible for my own well-being and happiness. I would catch myself when you begin to have thought that centered on her, “If only she could . . . If only she would . . .” and knock it off. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is the language of codependency and hurt. This mindset keeps you in a beaten down phase and makes it easier for an abusive spouse to control you. Take back the control by meeting your own needs by making different choices and acting on them. By focusing inward for solutions and happiness I would focus on what I needed to be happy and protected in those moments. I found those thoughts were tied to my feelings of doubt in myself and reoriented my focus back to me and what I needed in that moment.
2. I worked on accepting that I can’t fix, change, rescue, save, make someone else happy or love someone enough to make them whole. Don’t just pay lip service to this. Really wrap your brain around the fact that as long as you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do for your spouse; they will always expect and demand more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful they’ll be. I know for many of us we gave so much that it allowed the abuse, in fact set the selfish entitled mentality of our spouses to go unchecked.
3.I had to eliminate the emotional and mental hooks to my spouse or marriage. A hook is typically an emotional, psychological or physical stake that you have in the other person or the relationship. For example, for me GUILT is a big hook that kept me mentally connected to the relationship. I had many thoughts of “I’d feel guilty if I left because of its impact on my son etc.” Other hooks include shame (e.g., of failing or not being strong enough), loss of status (e.g., being perceived as a nice or good guy), loss of material assets or access to children, perfectionism and your own need to control others, situations and outcomes. Once you can step back and let go of these notions and outcomes you realize they are false notions and only serve to provide power to a dysfunctional relationship. Fact is we can all have healthy relationships and lives without these hooks, they serve as heavy anchors that tie us to a poor relationship.
4. I had to focus on “DOING” for myself. Do something that removes you from the abuse and centers you. Meditate, exercise, read, walk, or whatever your version of centering is. Create pockets of sanity and safety with friends and family or physical spaces like your office, the gym. Find activities that will take you out of the line of fire and minimize your exposure to the abuse. Find a hobby or activity that makes you feel good about yourself and restores your confidence and esteem.
These are a few of my detaching strategies, Do any of the vets have others? I know this was a hard concept to grasp let alone enact in the wake of the infidelity. I hope this helps others focus on a few things or ideas that might help.
LHAP?
