SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long 2 hour discussion last night. She says she knows she needs to end everything and work on her marriage she is having problems letting go of OM. She tells me she knows it would never last with him. He is out of hte country for the next week so there should be no contact, but no guarantees. Plus she can't commit 100% to rebuild us. I told her I was not planning to wait around for weeks or months while she tried to figure it out. She did finally read the FAQ page here for WS and I think it brought some things to light. It hopefull really showed her where she was as a person and the fantasy she was living in. She is not the person I married. I told her she is not showing any remorse towards me. She is sorry and wishes she hadn't done this but that is her regret showing. I asked her at the end what she thought she would miss most about me. That put some reality into the whole conversation.

So I have to determine if I give her any time to sift through feelings following all of that. A lot at stake but I want to stay strong and in control now that I have gained it.

Of course with two kids to think about who will be absolutely crushed by a full separation or divorce I don't want to move too quickly. At least I have control.

Were you able to get her to take the test? I got chills reading your post as my WW got pregnant and had an abortion. She too had issues during both pregnancies and likely would not have been able to carry to term, but it doesn't excuse the reckless behavior.

Also, as a fellow SI pointed out to me, there is a BIG difference between regret and remorse. My wife had a ton of regret but displayed very little remorse. They can say sorry 100 times and cry all they want, but their actions is what speaks volumes. You will know in your gut what you are seeing but your heart will play tricks on you and want to believe she is back.

It sounds like your head is in the right place so keep with it. Unfortunately your roller coaster ride is just beginning and you need to take good care of yourself. I remember the weight loss, night sweats, and no sleep all too well. Hang strong man.

Did you bring up the pregnancy test?

Yes she took the test and it was negative so that was one issue that can be put to rest.

I talked to another friend of mine who just found out and he asked me if I thought I could forgive her for all this mess and truly reconcile. I said at this point it is still possible but not until I see that she has fully instituted the NC, given me full access to her phone and accounts, and I need to see that remorse. Today she is very sad and feels like she is all alone. I calmly told her I understand and I am sure she is feeling that way. I told her "you have a lot to consider right now and I want to give you a little time to think about it all, but I'm not prepared to give you a lot of time".

I want to keep the control I have just acquired so I can continue to go forward. We all get tired of starting over or moving backwards.

Also an intersting spin she gave to me. She told me last night afterwards she is really struggling with facing our family especially mine. I told her if I find a way to forgive her then everyone in the family should too. She says I'm much more forgiving than many of them. I told her you can worry about the kids but they will grow up and have their own lives someday. You can worry about our parents but they will grow old and pass on. Your main concern should be us because in the end that is what is left you and me. So you need to focus on where you want that to be before it is too late.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 8:24 AM, September 6th (Thursday)]

Just so you realize the difference,

- she's focused on the consequences to herself (regret)

NOT

- focused on the consequences to you and the littles (remorse)

Stay strong superman.

Thanks all. After that 2 1/2 hour discussion today she is very sad and very depressed. I think it is still regret but maybe there is some reality shining through that fog? I felt for the last few days she really needs a taste of reality to wake up and realize what she will lose in all this. It might not change her feelings but at least it will make her realize the results of her actions.

Or she may just be sad that the OM is not there for her to run too...as soon as he hits Americans soil she'll be back to her olld self...please don't get your hopes up too high, keep ur guards up....

So new update- she had lunch with a friend of ours who filled me in. She said she has been having problems with our marriage even before affair (no kidding) and that there wasn't the passion and romance she was looking for (wouldn't counseling be better for that). So now she says she is not sure she wants to try and fix it because she is not sure she can have those feelings with me and doesn't want to hurt me again down the road. So you don't even want to try after I put in this effort to try and R on top of you having the A? Really? She is thinking she wants to separate for real and move out (go right ahead).

I believe she is just moving herself towards the door permanently? I got my paperwork from my lawyer today. Maybe I should just fill it out. How much crap should you have to take?

that there wasn't the passion and romance she was looking for

So she went looking somewhere else? If it wasn't there for her then you didn't have it either. Would she be ok with you doing the same thing? Are passion/romance important in the M? Yes, it can. Not for every M, but it can be. Except that is not the foundation of a healthy M. To treat it that way is very immature.

she is not sure she wants to try and fix it because she is not sure she can have those feelings with me and doesn't want to hurt me again down the road.

Calling bs and a cop-out on that one. You get out of it what you put into it. She doesn't want to put the work into it. If she committed to it with a failure-is-not-an-option approach then the M would succeed. You can't quit on something and work on it at the same time.

There is show called Unfaithful on cable. The WW of one the couples profiled talked about how she felt her needs weren't being met. That she viewed love in terms of romance. After their D and she tried to continue a relationship with OM she realized she split up her family (the had twin girls) for an illusion. They did R but she put in a lot of time to win back BH's trust. He owned his share of the pre-A issues with the M but so did she.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 2:27 PM, September 6th (Thursday)]

You are going to find many similar stories here as mine said almost the exact same thing. My WW told my mother that she's been "begging me to work at our marriage for years". News to me.

I thought my situation was so unique and different, but the vets told me what to look for and it all came true. Take the advice you want as it is your decision and you are the only one that can make it. I filed a month after I found out so my 2 cents are not to delay. Giving her time is only going to let her play this out and hurt you that much more. You can always delay or even drop, otherwise you're only prolonging your own pain.

I know this all sucks to hear, trust me I'm not a negative person and hope the best for your situation. You need to protect your own emotions & well being. In my opinion, threats and promises don't work, actions.

I went through a month where I thought we were R, it was almost worse than D-Day and I had to relive that crap all over again.

Just to follow up...

She said she has been having problems with our marriage even before affair (no kidding)

Why is she telling her friend this? Why isn't this discussion happening between the two of you? Because she isn't try to fix the M. She is trying to spin the M so she doesn't look bad (or as bad). Another BH here is getting information from a friend of the WW. Information that should be coming directly from the WW. Seems to be a pattern and true remorse isn't part of it.

Thanks for keeping my eyes open. She can move out today for all I care. I'm not leaving. I will be cordial and polite about it. Even though inside I am angry again. She can move out and make arrangements to see the kids when I am not around. In the meantime I'll stay in contact with my lawyer. I'm staying in control on this one. No more BS mindgames and playing with my heart. I should insert "Done" into my username DDTTC

You're doing good my man...

Keep a stiff upper lip and file the papers... Look, when you're in an untenable position you can't just do nothing...

You know, I regret more of the inaction than the actions I took... Once I made a decision and followed through I was moving forward... Moving forward was one hell of a lot better then just sitting in hell frying...

Even the fear of not knowing where I was moving forward to was insignificant compared to the relief that I was getting away from the shit storm...

WB

I spoke to her tonight and she said she was having those feelings for the last 2 years. There are things missing in our marriage and she didn't enjoy fully spending time with me. She said even going to dinner with just me was not as much fun. She would rather have been doing it with couples and/or her friends. She even said she is not attracted to me anymore. This day just gets better. I mean how do you expect to R from all of this. I don't think it is even possible. So while she moves out to get her separation and think. I'll just take care of business and move on. This is a bunch of crap. Depressing how many of us took those wedding vows and got them stuffed up our *ss. I spent my whole afternoon either mad or depressed.

Now I also have to figure out how to raise two kids. I told her to set a schedule when she wants to see them. She said "but what about bed time? I should be here for that." Yeah well you should of thought about crap like that before you became unattracted to me and screwed someone else. Sorry but set your schedule, I won't be here when you are and have a nice life. Sorry for my ranting and raving.

You are doing fine.

Even though you don't live in SC , you can pull up online Judge Browns standard visitation orders. She can see what she gets for visitation. It'll be a guideline for you.

Now that my DDAY is behind me, what I have learned from this website and everyone on it , ,,, is you have to act like your wife walked in the door with a crack-pipe and wants to smoke it around everyone making excuses how everyone makes her do drugs.....If she had done this is would be so easy to put all the bs right back at her...I hope this makes sense. No way would you cut her any slack and you would send her packing until she could get into serious counseling!

I have learned my WH is being controlled by a person with a long history of doing this to families. It sounds like your wife has also fallen in with someone like this......

The days are good and bad, and just so hard to comprehend......I've been there...

Not sure I can demand that her visitation is only one weekday and every other weekend (based on how I read it). Nor can I keep her out of the house until there is a D. But I won't be here when she is so that should be enough.

I'm just sitting here half stunned that this is all happening. Only a month ago everything seemed fine except for the clues I was missing. Now all going down the toilet. She is so stupid giving up everything. She had it all, nice house, sweet cars, no money worries, can work hours she wants. This will be a rude awakening for her when she gets very little from me, has to work full time to pay for rent, insurances, etc. I don't think she really thought all this through. Just stupid.

I have to do some reading on how we deal with the kids through this. It will be trammatic for them. I hate that part. It will tear them up and its all her doing. What a shame.

Since OM is out of the picture got a week now it's the best time fir a hard 180.

That's what I'm going to do. She has been reading a lot on this site so she is on to the 180 program. If we weren't in the same house it would be easier. I slipped a little last night as we had a discussion on her moving out for awhile but she just doesn't want to do that. I can't legally tell her to leave so we have to make this situation work. We had a few moments last night where we weren't even thinking of this whole mess. We actually laughed together. She came to me and hugged me and cried for awhile. I know this is a slip on my part but I couldn't not be compassionate there. Moment of weakness on my part. I am back at it to day. Limited conversation, help get kids to school then I won't contact her all day. I'll probably see her at dinner and go out for awhile unless she does. Try to see as little of her as possible over the weekend. I'm only allowing time for us to sit and talk if/when she wants to. I told her last night that while I'm still open for R, I need to know affair is over and that she is committed to working 100% on fixing this. She thinks she is turning the corner and is trying to get her head straight. We'll know for sure when the OM returns from trip. She truly has to have NC and she knows that. I still have control at this point and my attorney on speed dial.

So you're not as much fun anymore. Well I guess she missed the part about a relationship being hard work and worth the effort.

Its a relationship, not a carnie ride. You have to work at it so it grows.

She's an F'n children!! Grow up!!