SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow. Just wow. You keep justifying your affair then you add a statement that gives you a 'reason' to make it OK in your mind.

Everyone is speaking from experience. We have all been there, both BS's & WS's, but I honestly wonder if it is truly sinking in...

Today is the day you say you will confess, but I doubt you will. You will come up with another reason to put it off.

My wife accuses me because of control issues. 100% control.

Just had to comment on this. My FWH always accused me of being a "control freak". All. The. Time.

After d-day we started going to MC. FWH brings up that I am a "control freak". I ask "Please give me a specific instance of how I am a control freak because I don't feel I am." MC chimes in and asks FWH to yes, please give us an example.

FWH started to think. And think. He is thinking real hard as we are looking at him expectantly. Finally, after quite a few minutes, FWH says "Milkshake never lets me have the remote control for the TV!" Yeah, boy, I am a control freak. Sorry, I hate NASCAR and hunting shows, but I have started sharing the remote control now.

eta: Have you heard about how WS's like to rewrite marital history? They also like to rewrite how their spouses behave.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:47 AM, November 15th (Thursday)]

This isn't my forum, and I debated as to whether I should even post. But I kept reading this thread, and the question I have to ask - what is your motivation for wanting to stay in your marriage? Is it driven by love? I see a lot of complaining about, and blaming, your wife. You did say this:

If I end up losing my wife (who I do love by the way despite all this complaining) and my children I will hate myself.

But there are so many other statements blaming her for your behavior . . . it really doesn't seem to balance. At all.

I haven't seen any statement worrying about the pain (and pain is a weak word to convey it) that your wife will feel when you reveal your affair. It almost seems like you are anticipating her pain as a tool to help you do what you need to do:

I am hoping seeing her reaction can wake me up and get me to that point. I know it will end the affair. The downside is that it may also end our marriage.

Maybe there's love there, and it's just not being conveyed because you're focusing on ending the affair. But it seems to me that you are not really concerned about how much she will be crushed by your news (other than as something to help wake you up out of the fog), and I wonder if it's your marriage you really want to save, or your comfortable home life. I'm not trying to attack you and I do hope my words are not coming across that way. I just want you to be honest with yourself about your feelings and your motivations.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 7:50 AM, November 15th (Thursday)]

I think what a lot of us are trying to tell you here is this, while you may still believe, because you are in the fog of the affair,that the marriage was the reason that you have done this, do not bring that up tonight when you confess. When you confess tonight, take complete blame for what you have done and the decision that YOU and YOU alone made to go and have an affair.

Because most of us have been here long enough to see what the betrayed spouses go through after DDay, we know that your wife may take some of the blame anyway. So, do not put even more on her shoulders.

Do the right thing, own the decision you made, and do not put some of it in her lap. If you care anything for her at all, you will not try to put some of the blame on her. After all, she is carrying your child, she takes care of your children. She had no idea that you would be betray her in this way. Don't make part of it her fault tonight.

I like JG debated on whether I should post anything here, but I feel very strongly that I should.

Please tell your BW before she finds out from someone else (and she will find out). It will show her that you are more committted to fixing your marriage than you are in having the affair. My WH did not tell me. His OW got jealous and tired of waiting for him to leave me and called me. I was totally crushed, as I am sure your wife will be. I could probably believe now that he really loved me if he had ended his affair and told me about it and had been honest and remorseful for it. As it is now, I will never totally trust him again. He even took it underground for another year until OW got pissed again and left me a note in my home. He told me the first time that it was my fault and if I hadn't have been the way I was he wouldn't have cheated. Well, I turned into June Cleaver/Super Woman/Erotic lover until I found out he was still cheating on me with OW a year later.

It was not about me being a bad wife or lover. It was about him being selfish and wanting his cake and eat it too. He thought that was what would make him happy. I would have been more than willing to talk to him, go to marriage counciling, or anything because I truely loved him and our family and had already been through a very bad 20 yr marriage to WH#1.If he had only been honest with me from the beginning we might have been able to save our marriage.

I could say alot more to try and make you see what this is going to do to your BW, but with the mentality that you have right now, I feel that would be a waste of my time and yours.

Until you see this A for what it really is, you will be in Lala Land with your OW and your pregnant wife will be in the worst pain of her life, even worse than child birth, because at least you know there is an end to that pain and you have a beautiful baby as a reward for your suffering. There is no reward for the suffering that your wife is fixing to go through.

I hope you can wake up and see what you are doing to the people you love. You are not telling your wife because you are remorseful. You are telling her because you know OW is fixing to do just that and you are trying to avoid the additional fallout to yourself. Another selfish act, but one that must be done in order to move on with your life and your BW to move on with hers.

If you want to rebuild your marriage with your wife, you are going to have to get a new perspective on what is real and what is actually just a fantasy. You are also going to have to be really remorseful for what you have done. Not regretful, but remorseful. I don't see that in your words posted here.

Please get some help by seeing an IC. You must do this even before you can really start to try and rebuild your marriage. Even if your marriage is over because of this, you still need to see IC so that you don't carry these issues into other future relationships. In an A nobody wins in the end. Not you, OW, your wife, your friends, your kids, or your family.

I wish you luck in your confession to your wife and hope that you can repair your marriage. It is a long hard road with many bumps along the way. Some couples make it, others don't. I think that largely depends on the WS and what they are willing to do to fix what they have broken.

P.S.: One final thought: If you love something and hurt it dearly, then choose not to fix it...You never deserved it in the first place. (((HUGS)))

When I'm not at home she takes care of the kids by herself.

What actions did you take to help her when you were at home?? Looking after kids is very emotionally draining and physically tiring, throw in housework, a job (in my sitch) and a demanding selfish H and I switched off. There is only so much a human mom can do without help...M is supposed to be teamwork, it does not help when one team member checks out of the heavy lifting!!!

She is the one rejecting me sexually in our marriage.

So what are you doing that she feels the need to do that? For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. In my sitch I never rejected WH but I did switch off physically and emotionally...why? He never took the time to listen to what I liked, how I liked it and when I liked it. He never took the time to actually get to know my body or me, it was always about him and his happy ending. WH pressurised me for sex, groping me, all convos ended up sexual, all kisses, hugs and cuddles became sexual in nature. He could never just be non sexually intimate with me and that was and is SUCH A TURN OFF!

She just didn't want to do anything romantic for us.

How were you with this? It takes 2 you know.

Are you willing to listen to the truth of how YOU contributed to the state of your marriage?? The A is 100% your fault...not the state of your marriage or your wife.

I just wanted to add that before you tell your BW, I think you should read "Things Every WS Needs To Know." You can find it on page 3, in the WS Forum.

just do it!

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 2:10 PM, November 15th (Thursday)]

Noah,

The beauty of boards like SI is that people can come together and share their personal experiences to help them cope and come to an understanding regarding their situation. The topic of infidelity is taboo and holds a lot of preconceived notions so it is "nice" to be able to come to a place that you can be understood and feel like you are not alone in this world.

I shared some of my story with you in hopes you would realized that the people here come from a place of experience, not hypocrisy. Because we have been through it, we can see things in you that right now are difficult to see in yourself.

People who have affairs have some sort of hole within themselves they are trying to fill. To rely on another person to fill those holes is terribly unhealthy. You could D your wife tomorrow and still struggle with every relationship thereafter, unless you are willing to look within yourself and work on the things that are broken. Until you can admit full responsibility for your own issues, you will not be ready to address your problems within your M.

I guess I can take some peace in knowing I'm not the worst

And he took you back?

Don't fool yourself. Your situation is a bad one indeed. Is it worse? That's not for me to say. Your situation is bad for you and mine for me. Pain should never be a pissing contest.

As far as him taking me back? Yes, he did. It hasn't been easy but at some point being a grown up needs to be about more than just our age. At some point someone needs to act like a grown up too. A tit for tat attitude was going to get us nowhere.

What is your definition of a man? Ours is someone that sees a problem and does what he can to fix it. Not the only quality, mind you, but one that fits this situation well. You had a problem in your M. Your solution was to go find solace elsewhere. When my BH realized that I threw an atom bomb on our family, he managed to hold it together and fight for what was good and right between us. He has fought like Hell, even when he wanted to give up. He has demonstrated a great deal if patience, grace, and strength to pull us through a very dark time. But he couldn't do it alone. I had to pull my head out of my ass otherwise we were doomed. I am forever grateful that he gave me the opportunity to do so. He was able to see something in me I myself could not. I am a better person because of him.

In order to save a M you have to be willing to talk about things that make you uncomfortable. You have to have real discussions, no beating around the bush, and make no assumptions.

I wasn't testing my wife. I just wanted her to show something, anything that she cared.

You may be telling yourself that you were not testing her but the simple fact is, unless you sat her down and discussed the things you were unhappy about, discussed the changes you were looking for, and explained to her the price of not making changes to your M, explaining to her exactly what was at stake, you were indeed testing her. May not have been a conscious choice to do so, I get that.

Look back at the things you have written. You make several contradictions. You came here for a reason. What exactly was the reason? Was it to find the courage to tell her? Was it because you do feel bad about your actions and want some help? Is it because you feel entitlement and are looking for validation? Do you want advice on how to tell your wife so that she will change? Whatever the reason, you actually managed to find a great place. Take a moment, drop the defensiveness, and soak in the things that the people here are telling you. We all speak from experience.

You may find several commonalities amongst this group. My situation is not all that uncommon and neither is yours. There is nothing special or unique about it. It is what it is. And it sucks no matter what angle you look at it. But put in the hard work and humility, you can come out a better person in the end.

I didn't want to blow it all up so I could get laid more.

but you did...too late.

I haven't read all the replies.

For me personally, I felt shame immediately after I had sex with my AP. I ended the A at that point, but continued to be "friends" with him. I knew he still wanted me, so I think I kept him on the back burner just in case.

I kept my A hidden for 3 years, until the day I discovered my H's affair. And even then, I played the TT game for a couple months.

Seeing your AP in anything other than a negative light indicates that you are still in the fog, that you are still viewing your A as something that actually existed in reality. Sure, it happened, but NOTHING about it was real. It was 100% fantasy, and both you and your AP were 100% full of crap and willing to do anything to keep the ego boost going. Until you reach that conclusion and really believe it, you are still in the fog.

I have a feeling you will feel shame when you watch your wife (and your life) crumble as a result of this.

I admire you for taking the first steps. Your head will likely be up your ass for a while yet (no offense), and that is part of the process. Just don't give up, and keep reading/posting here.

CheaterNoah,

I just read through some of the other replies, as well as your responses to them. It's tempting for me to cyber-yell at you because it's frustrating as hell for a former WS to see someone who is still so deeply in the fog. But I'll bite my cyber tongue.

You are debating about when to come clean with your wife...you NEED to recognize that this is going to be a MAJOR BOMBSHELL for her. Easily the most traumatic thing she will EVER experience. I applaud you for wanting to tell her, but please, please, please think about the best time/way to do so, and I don't mean what works best for you and your guilty conscience.

Imagine if your wife got home from work one day and found the house burned to the ground. Or if she got a phone call that her sister/mom/whomever was killed in a tragic accident...Ask yourself these questions:

1. Would you want your small children there to witness her breakdown? Make no mistakes--she will be in NO shape to parent those little ones for a while. I'd suggest making arrangements ahead of time to get the kids out of the house at least overnight when you tell her. They don't deserve to see the shit hit the fan, and she deserves the right to feel her feelings without a tiny audience.

2. Would you want her to experience the trauma on a workday? If she works outside the home and is supposed to work on Friday, I'd recommend waiting until Friday night to have "the talk." If you tell her tomorrow night, there is no way she'll be able to go to work on Friday.

3. Do you have a place to go? Be prepared that she might tell you to leave, whether it's temporary or forever. You do NOT get to say no to this request, so it might be wise to make some tentative plans. And obviously staying with the AP is out of the question.

Your wife is pregnant right now (this makes me want to scream, but again, I'm going to bite my tongue), so her health and well-being is of the utmost priority. Her body is going to go into a terrible fight-or-flight response, and it could last for a while. Be prepared for this. She will probably stop eating and sleeping, and her already messed up hormones are going to magnify everything.

You are going to crush her world, and unfortunately that is the only way through this if you want to save your family.

[This message edited by JandAandE at 11:54 AM, November 15th (Thursday)]

Noah--this thread has caused many, many *memories* of conversations that I have had with my stbxWH to surface in my mind. Because I that, I will try to be brief so as not to *project* my own experience onto yours.

You are coming across as extremely entitled and self-centered. I haven't seen you express any care or concern for your wife. Your pregnant wife. Which reminds me....how can she be pregnant with your 3rd child if she sexually rejects you?

I can't mention what I think about the 2 week *trial* period that you secretly *offered* to your BW, but you did say that you were trying to be the best H that you could be. Does that mean that you asked your BW what you could do that would be most helpful to her? Or did YOU decide what *being a good H* and act accordingly without any input from her?

Honestly, Noah. You don't seem all that committed to your marriage, your wife OR your 3 children. The *tone* that comes through in your posts is that you are expecting your BW to fulfill your every want and need (while pretty much ignoring hers) and if she doesn't? Then you run off and have an affair.

Also. You said that OW *goes* to the same University that you went to. Is she younger than you? If she is, that may be a really bitter pill for your BW to swallow. I don't know how pregnant your BW is, but a lot of women tend to feel dumpy and unattractive at times during the pregnancy.....so, it may add a whole 'nother level of hurt to the situation.

And this:

If she isn't so distant and if she doesn't spend years making me feel like a villain I wouldn't of cheated.

In the name of all that is Holy......do NOT say those words to your BW. Seriously.

(*zipping my lip now*)

Please don't underestimate the importance of this. Does she work, or is she at home with the kids? There's a really good chance that she would LOVE to put more time and effort into her M with you, but - like you said - she feels very responsible for the kids. And maybe she feels like it's hard to get a break, or even guilty if she takes one.

She works part time but is at home with the kids during the week. She is a great mom and her first and foremost priority has always been our children. I'm not sure if she feels guilty focusing on the marriage or not. Maybe.

Things you should consider: was she pregnant before your started your A? Or did it happen during your 2 week test or other course of the A?

She will want to know this. Do the damn math & figure it out. Give her a time line & make it an HONEST one.

Pregnant before the affair started. I am working on making a timeline. I actually wrote a lot during the entire affair on another site and I am looking back on the posts there and its helping to find out dates and such. I know what I am going to tell her and I think I am as prepared as I'll ever be.

Maybe there's love there, and it's just not being conveyed because you're focusing on ending the affair. But it seems to me that you are not really concerned about how much she will be crushed by your news (other than as something to help wake you up out of the fog), and I wonder if it's your marriage you really want to save, or your comfortable home life. I'm not trying to attack you and I do hope my words are not coming across that way. I just want you to be honest with yourself about your feelings and your motivations.

I think I'm not doing a great job of conveying the love I have for my wife. Right now my choices are try to stay in my marriage and make it better and do what is best for our kids or be with OW - which I don't want to do. Am I passionately in love with my wife? No. But I think if we work we can get back to that place. We've had incredible times together.

Please tell your BW before she finds out from someone else (and she will find out). It will show her that you are more committted to fixing your marriage than you are in having the affair.

Believe me I understand this. I've spent hours considering all the options and if OW tells her there is no chance at reconciliation. If I tell her maybe there is a 10% chance she wants to R, which is better than no chance.

What actions did you take to help her when you were at home?? Looking after kids is very emotionally draining and physically tiring, throw in housework, a job (in my sitch) and a demanding selfish H and I switched off. There is only so much a human mom can do without help...M is supposed to be teamwork, it does not help when one team member checks out of the heavy lifting!!!

I was not the perfect husband before the affair. I admit that. I could have done more with the kids and I've tried to take up more of a role with them. I'm an active dad but I don't really help as much as I could have with housework. That will change.

but you did...too late.

I know. All I can do is stop and hope my wife is willing to stay with me. But thanks for reminding me!

You came here for a reason. What exactly was the reason? Was it to find the courage to tell her? Was it because you do feel bad about your actions and want some help? Is it because you feel entitlement and are looking for validation? Do you want advice on how to tell your wife so that she will change? Whatever the reason, you actually managed to find a great place. Take a moment, drop the defensiveness, and soak in the things that the people here are telling you. We all speak from experience.

I posted here because multiple people on the other site I was on suggested this forum would be a better place for me to post. If this isn't the proper forum than I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to anger people or start arguments.

Also I wasn't saying anything negative about your husband taking you back. All I know is my wife would never ever do the same and for having such a forgiving husband you are fortunate. I can only hope and pray my wife is a tenth as forgiving as he. It wasn't meant to be a slam on you or anything like that.

J&A&E, I am going to confess tonight. Our kids are going to be at their grandparents and its just us until Saturday afternoon. Which should be plenty of time. I'm having second thoughts but I think this is as good of timing as I'll ever have.

You are coming across as extremely entitled and self-centered. I haven't seen you express any care or concern for your wife. Your pregnant wife. Which reminds me....how can she be pregnant with your 3rd child if she sexually rejects you?

I can't mention what I think about the 2 week *trial* period that you secretly *offered* to your BW, but you did say that you were trying to be the best H that you could be. Does that mean that you asked your BW what you could do that would be most helpful to her? Or did YOU decide what *being a good H* and act accordingly without any input from her?

Honestly, Noah. You don't seem all that committed to your marriage, your wife OR your 3 children. The *tone* that comes through in your posts is that you are expecting your BW to fulfill your every want and need (while pretty much ignoring hers) and if she doesn't? Then you run off and have an affair.

Also. You said that OW *goes* to the same University that you went to. Is she younger than you? If she is, that may be a really bitter pill for your BW to swallow. I don't know how pregnant your BW is, but a lot of women tend to feel dumpy and unattractive at times during the pregnancy.....so, it may add a whole 'nother level of hurt to the situation.

Our child was planned. So hopefully that answers your questions. I understand our intimacy issues aren't the worst but it could be better. We haven't had sex in months because she just doesn't feel like it. I've tried to be understanding but it set the table a little for the affair.

I've had one affair. This isn't some pattern with me. After years and years of disappointment and resentment I cheated. Its not okay but its not as if I just cheat constantly. So please don't make it seem like that.

OW is only 20 and I think that might be the worst part of this. I'm hoping to keep talk of OW to a minimum. I do realize how scummy it is to cheat on someone who is pregnant with your own child. It was wrong and I am not at all proud of my actions. My wife does feel unattractive at the moment, but I am attracted to her very much.

Right now my choices are try to stay in my marriage and make it better and do what is best for our kids or be with OW - which I don't want to do.

Really? Why are these your only choices? You are not "forced" to be with the OW if your wife decides she doesn't want to be with you.

If this isn't the proper forum than I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to anger people or start arguments.

You are in the *perfect* place. No one is *angry* at you....you are just being held accountable.

The SI WayWards (and BS's) will help to point out your *unhealthy* thought patterns, but it will be up to you to make the changes.

The WS's that post here to help are tough and wise. Listen to them.

Good luck with your confession. No TT and try to answer every single question fully and without being defensive (easier said than done).

This isn't some pattern with me. So please don't make it seem like that

I apologize, Noah. I didn't mean to imply that at all.

OK, so you're going to confess tonight. Tell those second thoughts voices in your head to shut the hell up, and JUST DO IT.

Like others have mentioned, please read the sticky thread on this forum about everything a WS needs to know. Read it a few times actually.

You need to accept that as of TODAY, your affair is OVER. Even if your wife kicks you to the curb, you do NOT get to hang onto the OW just in case. I can't emphasize enough that IT IS OVER.

The two big things you need to focus on are remorse and transparency. I don't think you're even remotely close to feeling full remorse yet, but you can begin the process of full transparency tonight. Offer your wife ALL of your usernames and passwords to EVERYTHING. And do not go into your accounts and "clean up" ahead of time. You need to wrap your head around the idea that you don't get to keep ANY secrets about your A. Hand over your phone, your laptop, everything. And be willing to write a NC letter with your wife right away, and most importantly, STICK TO IT. Your AP does not deserve a head's up that this is about to happen, and if you give her one, your wife is going to take that very personally. Your loyalty should be to your wife only.

Be prepared that your wife will likely want to out your A to the whole world, including the OW's husband if she has one. Your mom might get a phone call (I told my MIL when I found out, and my H's family knows about my A as well). Your wife is under no obligation to protect your secrets for you, so be prepared for the aftermath.

I'm not trying to scare you out of confessing, but I really want you to get ready for the reality you are about to face. There is no turning back, but if you are very lucky, you might get to keep your family intact. The price you will pay for your actions is going to be very high, as it should be.

It may be helpful to practice what you are going to say ahead of time. You are going to need to be extremely careful to OWN the blame here. Do NOT insinuate that any part of your choice was your wife's fault, particularly if you want that 10% chance of reconciliation.

Please let us know how it goes, and keep posting.

CN- I don't have a lot to add, I just want to commend you for sticking it out through the 2x4s and listening. It will sink in if you let it. Two quick things I wanted to address-

1. When you confess, it may help to not only have a timeline, but a plan of action. My FWH did. On D-day he told me everything, answered all my questions and told me exactly what were were going to do to get through it which included MC and IC. He also told OW's H which (for us) was in place of a NC letter. You may want to consider having an NC letter written and ready to send with her approval.

2.

I'm hoping to keep talk of OW to a minimum.

Best of luck, but it's not going to happen. She's going to want to know who she is, details and I URGE you to give them to her. Don't hold back even knowing that it's going to hurt her- holding back will hurt her more.

Best of luck!