SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please also be wary of things IC instructs. They've been known on many occasions to give some really bad advice (don't tell your spouse about the affair, don't give them details, be kind and loving to a spouse involved with another person, etc.) It's really shocking how it goes even against the writings of psychologists that specialize and have written books on the topic.

It sounds like the arrangements are all made. Why formalize it? There is no real point to that, is there?

No one is asking you to be fake. The advice is to be strong, and to not tolerate being treated with such disrespect. There is nothing fake about that.

When you sponsored her marriage greencard did you have to be her financial sponsor? If so make sure you find out from attorney whether that means you are financially responsible even if you divorce her and she doesn't end up losing her green card.

The 2 year wait period for her green card when thru marriage is to help protect US citizens from being deceived into sham marriages just for immigration and ultimate US citizenship. If she can prove she married you in good faith and not to use you she may not lose her green card at least that's what I've read. So it's great you' re going to meet with an attorney.

I think I will wait to talk to the attorney before I send the letter.

I will tell her that if she asks about it.

I am really focusing on the 180 and there are some I falter from

Ok this may come across a bit harsh. But dude you seriously are in your own fog. You have a freaking excuse, justification, reason for everything.

Yet she is still ready to up and leave you abandon her family and run off in the sunset with this other jackass. The only thing stopping her is him. He is actually trying to R.

Your wife is just fucking you over emotionally and stealing your ability to love and care for yourself your kids your family. She is abusing you. Just like a spouse that beats his wife she is beating your soul into the ground day after day. Yet your fucking worried about her green card and the nanny. Like PP said that is just excuses.

Wake the fuck up or you are going to be 10 years down the road and she's gonna be out fucking another twin flame or her really real soulmate. Showing your kids just how dysfunctional a cuckold spouse can be.

I hope you realize before it's too late that she doesn't care about you your kids or her green card. She only wants more of the screwed up ego stroking shit that OM is giving her.

I am praying that your anger phase hits soon...

Protect yourself...

Even if you can't or won't physically leave, you can mentally disengage and live a separate life from your WW..One person can physically be in the same room as another but yet sooo far away..Just ask your WW who is in the fog...

I know that when I am D, I will live on my own for the rest of my life.. I cannot imagine trusting a new partner enough to live in the same house with him..I can care about somebody, be a lover, share a companionable relationship with him...Live with him? ...Um.. NO.....

So many years of disrespect and abuse from my WH happened before I knew about his A and anonymous encounters...

As I look back I was naive..And I got enough crumbs of the good stuff from WH to keep me in the marriage even though there were major aspects of his behavior that I wasn't happy with..

Here is one small example out of my life....

The behavior I am about to describe wasn't enough to make me leave WH, but it took away chunks of my self esteem, little by little..

When our kids were young I looked forward to celebrating the holidays such as Christmas...

I could tell that my WH wasn't happy celebrating holidays such as Christmas or Thanksgiving.. Not with me anyway..

On Christmas Day there was always a feeling of sadness/discontent/tension coming from him..

WH didn't want to count his blessings .. I had the feeling that he would rather be somewhere else, even unconscious, but not with us..

So those Christmas Day's spent at home ( when we didn't have people over ) were let downs for me..

Life in this long marriage damaged me...I wish I had left after D day #1, 28 years ago..Had I learned how to demand respect from WH in those days, I probably wouldn't be looking at Divorce now, at the age of 60..

I am not saying I can't go on to have a good life however long I have left..If WH and I can work out a D agreement that doesn't leave me financially destitute I will be forever grateful..

I am saying that I don't see letting another marriage be a part of my future..So I will be missing out on the experience of being married to an honorable, loving and faithful spouse..

It is weird to have to defend myself but I will. My nanny is the rock for my kids and I care for her deeply along with the other family so yes I will consider them in my decisions. Once again, how do I kick my wife out if she is not leaving? That alone will cause a lot of tension. I am doing my best with the 180 and yes I am human an pd make mistakes. But I feel I have done a good job considering where I started.

So that said, what do I do otherwise?

We are in the same boat..I also have a WS who won't leave in spite of me trying to kick him out ...He is unemployed..The only way I can leave for any length of time is go ahead and file for divorce..I cannot afford to support WH financially and support myself too, which is what temporary orders would require me to do.

So my adviice for myself and others in my situation would be to build myself up while I am biding my time...Connect or reconnect with friends...Figure out what I like to do that distracts me and makes me smile..Heaven knows,when one is living in a situation where he or she feels stuck, having a distraction or two to look forward to is balm for the soul..

If you need to, build yourself up financially, in savings/checking accts that your WS doesn't have access to..Any baby step towards a healthier situation for yourself and kiddo is time well spent..

I still don't understand why the nanny is an issue. Why would you need to let her go if you tell your wife to leave? Why is that a factor? Your wife would have to make child support payments so that would help offset the cost, and also the mortgage costs. She doesn't get to just 'leave'. There are other considerations that she is still responsible for, whether she lives there or not.

Please, help me understand why the nanny would have to go if your wife moved out?

Also, if you want her gone, you can make her leave. You can make anyone leave if you really want them gone.

Otherwise, what should you do? Well, stop with the 'I won't be fake' nonsense. Stay away from her! Don't give her 'talks' when she wants. Those are just comfort talks for her.

Felco, understand this - your wife is feeding off of your pain. It is an ego boost to a person that is now addicted to ego boosts. She loves knowing you want her and love her. She tells you things that hurt - the way she feels about OM - to get that reaction.

STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING BUT THE KIDS OR FINANCES. JUST STOP.

There is nothing fake about not talking. Why is anything necessary to say? It isn't. So stop giving it to her. She is feeding off of you because OM isn't available. CUT HER OFF NOW.

Oh - one more thing on the nanny - if she lives with you, I assume you pay much less than the other family? It's actually possible that you only pay for her room and board, and the other family provides her spending cash. If that's the case, I really don't understand why the nanny needs to go. She lives with you, correct?

Felco - you keep getting sucked in and believing that she will 'wake up' which is why you're talking to her. All you are doing is feeding her ego. As long as this is how she's getting her fix, she will change nothing. Until there are consequences, she will change nothing.

Her green card is HER problem, not yours. Her sadness is HER problem, not yours.

The next time she wants to 'talk', ask her what has changed. If she tries to answer with anything other than 'nothing', then cut her off and say thanks but no thanks to another talk about things. You've heard it all and frankly it's boring.

You MUST shock her, and the best way to do that is to begin acting like you DO NOT CARE.

Felco, it's your choice. You either continue like this until one of you is finally forced to move and you divorce, or you change what you're doing.

You know what you're doing isn't working. You must change what you're doing.

For whatever reason if you can't move out and she won't move out I understand due to being there and doing that..

I do agree with painful past on how to treat your WW..

Consequences will slowly catch up with her..Of course you can hasten things by taking the bull by the horns..But this is up to you on how you do take the bull by the horns and what is strategically in your ( and your kiddos) best interest..

All you can do is your best at any given time..

From what you wrote to us, I don't see you enduring her crap forever..

There will be a point in time when you decide that you are DONE and you will get the heck out of the marriage..

In the meantime protect yourself and don't let any collateral damage happen to you financially or legally..

I am almost getting there to seeing a window to climb out of...

In the meantime I do the 180..

I am leading my own life even though WH and I are in the same house..He knows I don't care about him as a husband..I treat him pretty much like a guest whom I wish would leave already..

WH is responsible for bringing food into the house and paying for it..

Here is where some natural consequences are beginning to take over in my situation..

WH recently lost his unemployment income source..Now he has to search for jobs..He has been slow about his job search..

Last time he brought home food it was from a food pantry...I don't care that he had to go to a food pantry, I am not paying for the bills that he is responsible for..

WH refuses to leave the house, I'll have to legally force him out or leave....But I am not leaving the house until I am good and ready ..

I have the feeling that WH will be working within the month or he will risk losing his truck.. He is starting to experience the consequences of trying to freeload off of me.

My plan is that he will get a job, work a little while and then I will file for divorce..

I will be in a better position strategically, less exposed to having to pay him alimony..

I am on a fixed income with only enough to support myself in a house that is already paid off..I don't want to have to pay WH alimony for the next 15 years because he wouldn't work..I am already getting a hefty chunk taken out of my pension checks for WH's medical insurance premium so that he can be on my medical plan..

If it turns out that WH still does not find work and comes up with more bullshit excuses for not trying than I guess I will D him anyway and soon..

My turning point will be when my living situation becomes physically uncomfortable due to poverty..

If this becomes the case, I would rather live without WH than with him, and biding my time will come to a screeching halt..

Biding one's time until feeling ready to leave takes away chunks of one's soul.... little by little.

I will have to give up my strategies to make a D work more in my favor..

I have already spent too much time in a toxic existence...

I will have to walk thru fire to find my way to a better life..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:59 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

FYI- Cayc knows her sh!t when it comes to passports. You should really go back and read her post, especially WRT no breaking the law when it comes to green cards and fraud.

I agree with what Holly says about cayc knowing her stuff..

And this is what I am talking about when I say do what you can to legally protect yourself from the collateral damage of staying with WW..

Whether or not you have to DO anything different from what you are doing now to be protected, KNOWING where and how to research and gain knowledge about this stuff is power..

Felco,

I'm sorry to suggest this but I haven't seen anyone else bring it up--you need to get a paternity test on your children.

Since Friday night my WW is expressing that she messed up and wants to work on us and the family. She said she will stop everything involving the twin flames and will put her feelings about him and in a "box" and let it go. She is ready to build the relationship.

Many feelings and questions.

I told her she will be sleeping on the couch.

Hmmm.....it must be dawning on her that the OM has thrown her under the bus in favor of his wife. Now she has to make nice to you so she can keep her standard of living.

Wow....back up plan much?

k9

Felco - the temptation is going to be to welcome her with open arms but trust who have been through this. ACTIONS are where it counts. WORDS are MEANINGLESS.

She has to be show you in action that she truly wants to make this work, not in words. So if she says she wants to make this work she needs to make a few grand gestures to show you she means this.

1. She has to go get STD tested and prove to you in writing that she is clean.

2. She absolutely has to send a NC letter to OM, and you get to see it. In it she has to state that she wants to work on her M, and that she loves you, and to please not contact her again.

3. Transparency. Complete and total transparency. You get full access to her phone, her tablet, her computer, her emails. If she balks on this she is hiding something. If she is totally willing to hand it all over do a deep and thorough search for a burner phone.

Keep your appointment with the attorney, keep your appointment to get STD tested. Continue to use caution and doubt from this point forward you know one thing and that is that she is a liar who lies.

Felco...

Is your wife in any contact with the OM? Any at all?

Bufffalo

I certainly proceed with caution. I will ask her to get tested.

I think she has realized what she is losing. But, also she is realizing that the OM is not available and shut her out. I did tell her that he duped her. He cheated on his past gf about 11 years ago. I am not going to open my arms right away. I am surprised that she turned so quickly. But I did say I am not going to be the stand-by.

I speak to the OMW, and they are doing a lot to work things out. She says that he is being what she wanted him to be seven years ago. She also said the he thinks she is nuts. He and my wife both are saying that they have NC. I believe it, mostly.

[This message edited by Felco at 4:11 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Good that you are proceeding with caution..She has to back up her words with actions and no more lies or TT..

With that said, for the rest of your life, always make sure that you are in a legal and financial position to walk away from marriage/ long term relationship..

Being stuck can be prevented if the person who marries or enters a long term relationship thinks things through and ahead of time..

He and my wife both are saying that they have NC. I believe it, mostly.

I don't. For some reason, and I can't quite put my finger on it, something here seems off. She went from telling you she can't give you what you need to saying sorry, I screwed up - in a day? She hasn't even gotten over OM yet. You don't 'get over' someone in a day.

She either talked to him and he said he wasn't leaving his wife, so she knows it's you or single, or they are taking it underground.

I'm sorry - I hope I'm wrong, but something seems really off here.

Is your wife in any contact with the OM?

I'm not sure it matters in this instance. Even if they are physically NC, clearly she is not maintaining mental NC. She is actively pining away for the MOM and feeding her own delusion that he is her twin flame.

Heck, how much worse could it be if they were still actively cheating really?

In her mind, she belongs to MOM. What could be worse?

Let her go. She's not even close to R material right now. Maybe not ever.