SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just trying to give you one view from an adult survivor of a dysfunctional early life.

I wish you and children well and thank you for reading my posts.

I deeply appreciate it. I realize that you and everyone else didn't just decide to randomly select this website to dispense unfounded perspective and advice. You each have your own personal story that informs everything you're telling me. I have a lot of respect for everyone here.

Non-earthshattering update: WW had an unrelated gyno appt today but the doc did a blood test, ultrasound and checked the baby's heartrate. The heart sounds strong and true and the scan looks totally normal.

Wrinkle alert: Doc thinks she might be about a week ahead of what WW thought. Paternity thrown back into question somewhat. WW tells me odds are still not in my favor and I'm not letting myself get my hopes up. She's also not excited about doing a paternity test in utero unless they need to do an amnio anyway. That said, she also wants to avoid a delivery room surprise that would devastate someone (probably me). So...yeah.

And this is what I said way back on page 4 or so of this thread.

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW.

SHE ABSOLUTELY KNEW SHE WAS PREGNANT WHEN SHE REVEALED HER A.

I and many other women here can tell you we knew when we were pregnant after the first one within days if not moments. Seriously.

The one absolute truth in all of this, and should be influencing your decisions is this.....

Your wife is a Cheater, and a Liar, and the one thing that Liars and Cheaters do for sure is to Lie and Cheat.

YOU are not putting your kids first in all of this, you keep getting hung up on inane ridiculous stuff.

YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE THE RESPONSIBLITY TO TAKE CONTROL AND PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.

That being said when did you see the lawyer, or when do you see the lawyer?

Your wife is a sad broken person, who is in a relationship with a man that is also sad an broken, and I aint talking about you. She does not have your interests and well being in mind, and she could give a damn about her kids that already exist. A good Mom is not out and about having lunch sex with a guy from work, a good Mom is the one who on her lunch break calls daycare to see how her babies days are going.

I don't want to be harsh and mean, but brother, you need to wake up. This shitstorm is your reality now, and the sooner you stop fretting about people calling the baby names, and start taking some real control the better off you will be.

Strange: I feel so sorry for you. And I feel sorry for all the other people involved in this as well. I hope that I am not seen as piling on. Many of us see your actions are admirable but there are things you seem to be overlooking.

I want to remind you of some of them. In a prior post I advocated filing for divorce as the only way for YOU to regain control of this narrative. I still think that. But a recent post of yours convinced me that your wife MAY be up for a reconciliation.

The problem with divorce or reconciliation remains the other man. Not the child, I'm sure that the child will be well cared for in any case. But the other man will always be in the picture. The extent of that remains to be seen.

As far as you've indicated, your wife still has feelings for the OM. She may have realized that starting a life together with three children (two part time and one full time) may not be the most happy thing in the world. So reconciliation now looks good to her. But it doesn't mean that she won't think about the OM. And he will still be in the picture. What will be more natural than her talking to him about problems in your home? He's involved in them. And where are you in all of this? Working late? Out of town? Then what? Saying that you'll divorce then doesn't help. If there is a 70% chance that this will happen, divorcing NOW is the least painful and least upsetting way to go.

Or what happens several years down the line when your anger starts to explode? What do you do then? Live an angry sexless life until you die?

I think that you (or someone else) indicated that with the time you spent out of the house in the past it was almost like having a 50% visitation time already. If that's the reality, why not make it official anyway? With a divorce you will have 50% time with your kids no matter what your wife and the OM do. And you get to help set the terms and boundaries.

I know this is horribly hard. I really do. There is literally nothing I can think of that does not cause hurt, both present and future, to some involved adult. I have two meta suggestions though.

The first, as folks have said, is to talk to a divorce or family lawyer. The laws in your state may have peculiarities (most states do) that you need to know about. You really must do this. Bring your wife along if you wish so that she too can know the realities. You need not file, but you both should know your rights.

The other meta suggestion is for both of you to seek counseling NOW. Both individual and marriage. I say this not only because it can help both of you make the best choices you can, but because I begin to fear that both you and your wife may be near cracking. I think I'd have cracked long before this point.

One last thing: DON'T WAIT. Unlike many couples with troubles, YOU and your wife have a ticking clock going. You've got what, six months left to make decisions before many of them are made for you. Don't wait!

I know you want to believe your WS. We have all BTDT.

But please, please, please. For the love of God. Make an appointment with an attorney and find out what your rights REALLY are. Not this crap your WW says, and what the OG wants.

I am sure you have only the best on intentions. But I can see this ending in a very bad way....for you.

YOU could end up paying child support for THIS baby as well as your other two kids and alimony to your WS while she and OG live in YOUR house with your two existing kids.

SEE AN ATTORNEY.

I'm curious. You don't seem to be asking anything just providing updates that induce pretty visceral reactions.

Are you contemplating any options or are you comfortable with a narrator/commentator role?

chet, just because he's not doing anything doesn't mean he doesn't want to do anything; this is very raw for him and it may be all he can do to provide updates at the moment. i'm surprised the guy can function at all.

I'm curious. You don't seem to be asking anything just providing updates that induce pretty visceral reactions.

Are you contemplating any options or are you comfortable with a narrator/commentator role?

I post one update and now I'm a narrator? Go back...almost all of my posts are responses to other posts and explanations of what I'm thinking. This isn't a TV show. I'm sorry if the plot isn't moving quickly enough for you. If you want to be entertained try a different thread or a different site.

I get that. Trust me, I really do. I was numb and am still going through stages of disbelief. That said our mind also has ways to react to protect from eminent danger. That's why we can function and react instantly when we have to.

This, to me, would sure be one of those times everything else would cease to exist but keeping myself safe.

I've read every page and see no urgency. I'm not talking about making a decision. I'm talking about any kind of action to protect and at least cover the huge wound.

That may just be me.

I've read every page and see no urgency. I'm not talking about making a decision. I'm talking about any kind of action to protect and at least cover the huge wound.

You're right about that. For some reason I feel no urgency. Maybe I'm overwhelmed. Maybe I'm shutting down. Right now we're in counseling. The thing I should really do is talk to a lawyer. I've identified two places but can't bring myself to call. WW is shutting down, too. I got nothing. I'm falling beind with work. I'm numb and everything is cloudy.

Sit with this a minute.

Your WW doesn't want to do an amino, the results of which would give you, the injured party, time to play the hand you have been dealt.

That really does not seem empathetic, does it?

The risks to the child are small. The risks to you finding out when she delivers the child are much greater, are they not?

Let us look at the scenarios:

Scenario #1: no amnio, OM inserts himself into the pregnancy and your lives. Delivery or paternity test prove you are the biological father. Do you think you will have fond memories of your WW's pregnancy with this child as a result? How tarnished will you feel this time is because of the OM's involvement? Sure, you can tell him to get lost. But you cannot rewrite this time in your life.

Scenario #2: no amnio. As in Scenario #1, OM inserts himself into everything. Delivery and/or paternity reveal he is the father. You are now stuck with making the decisions you had hoped to put off during the pregnancy, plus you will have to deal with him wanting something out of the deal. How will this affect you? Will you be in a good position to make choices? And your WW is a bit of a wild card in this--what if she thinks that divorce is really what she wants? You have just wasted months of your life while she used you. Not a pretty scenario.

Scenario #3: amnio proves that OM is the biological father. You and WW have several months to determine what will happen. You control the situation as best you can and whatever happens, all three of you have come to (or will come to shortly) an agreement on how to move forward. There is time to get legal advice, to deal with the children of the marriage, etc. You deal with things with time and resources (I.e. Counseling) available to you. It is a tough nut to crack, but at least you know what is what.

Scenario #4: amnio proves you are the biological father. You can tell the OM to get lost and figure out best how to deal with all of this before the child is born. You're still. It out of the woods in terms of healing your marriage, but at least you can require NC from your WW as a condition for reconciliation.

I could understand her trepidation if this were a risky test. But it is not. It is normally not done with "normal" pregnancies, but this is anything but a normal pregnancy.

I vote for you taking back some control with finding out totally what you are deling with. My concern is that a delivery room surprise is totally, unfair to you and the children of the marriage. Do you think she wants to insert drama into this? I can think of no other reason, except pure selfishness, for her to deny you the opportunity to know what you are dealing with.

I am sorry you feel battered and bruised. All of us--even those who are the most harsh--see a little bit of the mistakes we made in our situations and want to guide you around the minefield.

As a woman and a mother, I do not see an issue with making an amnio a condition. You need to know what you are dealing with, even if she wants to put her head in the and.

Cat

After reading Cat's post, I am now thinking you should have the amnio.

I have no idea what race the OM is and I could not care less except it has been said you could get a surprise in the delivery room. I have an 7-month-old grandson who is 33% black, the rest white. His biological father thought I was out of my mind when I kept telling him there was a good chance he might not know he was the father the moment the baby was born (my daughter had been with another man during the time she got pregnant - Caucasian). It's like he was waiting to lay eyes on this child before he could believe he was his. I tried and tried to explain that yes, of course, if the baby came out obviously black, he was obviously his. But, if the baby came out looking white, he would have no idea if the baby was his.

He told me later, after the birth, that his first thought when seeing the baby after he was born was how I was so right because he did not get a clear picture whatsoever of what race the baby was. He just could not tell. The baby actually is his child but the only way we really know that is because he looks exactly like his dad but with a much lighter tone to his skin.

So, I'm picturing you in the birthing room, baby comes out and after all this, everything you've gone through, the moment is here and - guess what? You have no idea whose child this is...still.

[This message edited by cissi at 8:20 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

You're in denial. That's ok - it's one of the normal phases of healing. Just recognize that you are...

The thing I should really do is talk to a lawyer. I've identified two places but can't bring myself to call.

Shock's wearing off, you're entering denial, know what's next? You will.

Make your fingers dial the numbers.

Catwoman:

Your last post makes all the sense in the world. From what I understand we still quite a few weeks out from the earliest possible amnio. WW is nervous about the risk but that's based on reading up on the web. She is going to ask her doctor and gets the facts from the source. I need to hear it from the source, too. I'm sure you're right, but WW won't be convinced if I tell her that Catwoman says there's minimal risk. Everyone agrees that it would be best to determine paternity before birth. Delivery is going to be traumatic and emotional enough without this hanging over our/her head. And as someone else mentioned, the baby may well have my complexion without being related to me. I'm assuming a 0.5% chance I'm the father. That's not scientific, of course. But I can't allow myself any more hope than that.

On top of my current emotional condition I've also been accused of being stubborn. As well as too patient. That's part of the reason for my paralysis.

strangeasfiction, I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but I went through the 'unable to work' phase and it was incredibly scary, but once I figured out what I wanted to do, it started clearing, and I went on to have the best year at work I ever had.. so just do your best and be forgiving of yourself.

Regardless of the paternity of the baby, the very bottom line in all of this, SAF, is that your WW HAS to *be on your team*.

And not just because you happen to be the *better* option (which is where her head was, for the first few pages of this thread at least.)

She has told you that the OM is not *responsible* enough to be a full-time dad.....and yet I seem to recall you saying that she indicated that they (her and OM) were *hoping/trying* to get pregnant(?).

And while it makes me feel absolutely horrified to write this.....I'm kinda thinking that your WW is *using* the unborn child as a way to *cake-eat* and manipulate the shit out of you. She told you that she loved him and wasn't really in love with you anymore (is this still her stance?). She knows that she can count on you to do the *right* thing -- thus all of the drama about him attending the OB appts and being in the kid's life. AND her remaining in contact with him.

Since you keep ignoring my admonition that it is NOT a foregone conclusion that a court will allow OM into your married life, I will *play along* with your assumption that this OM is going to be around if it turns out that he is the father.........if this is the case, the deal with your WW will need to be that OM is OUTSIDE the circle, kwim?

Right now, your WW is not willing to put this guy OUTSIDE the marriage circle. Pregnant or not, THAT needs to be the first order of business. You, as her husband, are well within your rights to demand her NC with the OM. As a matter of fact, I recommend that you do it.

Changing focus -- when your WW was at her gyno appt did she tell the dr. about the *who's the daddy* situation? IMO, I think that an appt with the OB should be scheduled for you and your WW to go and talk to the doc. Let the doc hear the story and give you both the pros/cons of doing an amnio and weigh the risk/reward of doing the procedure in light of your specific circumstance. If your WW pulls the "I read it on the internet" argument out on you.....play her that French model Allstate commercial.

Please reread this. I was actually very surprised that she went to the DR without you in tow. You NEED to be at these appointments, this does two things, gets the story straight from the horses mouth, (Dr) and also ensures that she is telling him the real story.

Changing focus -- when your WW was at her gyno appt did she tell the dr. about the *who's the daddy* situation? IMO, I think that an appt with the OB should be scheduled for you and your WW to go and talk to the doc. Let the doc hear the story and give you both the pros/cons of doing an amnio and weigh the risk/reward of doing the procedure in light of your specific circumstance. If your WW pulls the "I read it on the internet" argument out on you.....play her that French model Allstate commercial.

You have NO idea what she has told the Dr thus far. Remember, as we have told you. DO NOT BELIEVE a word out of her mouth. Zero Zilch Nadda, she has yet to prove to you that she is even capable of telling the truth.

I get the paralyzed by fear thing I really do, but know that when you start taking some steps, and taking back some control, you are going to feel better. You truly will.

Make a list of things that you NEED to do, so that you can start getting control.

Number 1 being making an appointment with an attorney. The sooner you know how this can all play out the sooner you are going to feel like you have just the tiniest bit of control.

(((and strength)))

Hey strange - I am really really sorry for your situation. Hang in there, we are all pulling for you to get the outcome that YOU want.

Please reread (over and over) what Cat, tush, gonna & jjct have said.

Peace brother.

You need to get another appointment with the Dr. I can't believe she went without you.

I was in my early thirties for both of my pregnancies and had an amnio for each because they considered anyone above the age of thirty a "high risk" pregnancy. My friend just had a baby at 34 and had an amnio for the exact same reason.

I totally get the shock thing. But it's getting in the way of your functioning. Have you gone to your own doctor and talked about meds? I had to do this to get my head on straight and make sure I was doing the right thing and my kids lives weren't being damaged by depression and anxiety.

Lastly, I can appreciate the other stories on here about OCs being a welcomed and loved part of the family. I don't think that is the main concern here. In these other situations it appears the OM or OW left the situation. In your situation you're talking about the OM, whom your wife still has feelings for, being very involved. THAT is the part I can't wrap my head around.

Being in shock at this junction of your situation is probably very, very normal.

For me, I discovered my ex was gay via an email sent to me by one of his multiple lovers.

I describe being "in shock" for quite some time. When I would try to think about the situation, and all of the implications, my brain would literally just shut down. All I could see was black, like a huge black wall in my head. I was frozen for weeks. My Mom had to come and help, I lost 15 pounds because I couldn't put food into my mouth. I was all so overwhelming, and I am a strong person.

I imagine you are in a similar place.

Your entire life is about to change, and part of you knows that and is fighting it. That is the frozen feeling. You will never go back to the way you were just a few weeks ago. You cannot "unlearn" the hand fate just dealt you.

What SI is trying to tell you is to snap out of the frozen place and start protecting yourself. We can see what your brain will not allow you to see.

Hang in there.