SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Snapdragon,

This has occured to me also. But of course it will never happen to them because they are very much in love and are soul mates

JDuff,

Whilst he is her direct line manager, she is about to go on maternity leave for the rest of 2014. Their fantasy world will continue for somewhile yet.

The STBXH (me) is still angry and bitter and clearly still in love with me which confirms that I am a wonderful person.

So she needs confirmation that she is a wonderful person? What an ego. Please keep us posted when the Karma bus rolls around. I can't wait!

Aas, Jduff is on to something. Can you imagine what their life will be like when you are no longer the center of their focus? Karma is coming. Gru will inevitable be her next target. Might not be this year or the next, but have no doubt, it will happen.

By then, I hope your *Give a damn* is thoroughly broken.

Strength

Congratulations on court, AAS. I don't usually post on your threads because I'm just so flabbergasted at your STBXWs behavior. And I have to say that I'm a little shocked that the judge hasn't displayed some measure of disgust at the fact that she showed up in court 7 months pregnant with another man's baby while trying to effectively remove you from your own children's lives. I wonder how he would feel standing in your shoes. I realize that judges must remain unemotional about the cases before them but it must be difficult in these circumstances. It must be a relief that he saw through at least some of her behavior to what was really motivating it.

I hope the rest of this goes quickly so you can begin moving forward to the bright future you surely deserve after putting up with these antics.

AAS

You have worked like a Trojan this past week, and from your postes I feel that understandably it's taken it's toll. I know this will be a temporary thing, while you just let it all sink in and recover from the emotional trauma of spending so much time with her over the last couple of days. You will be ok.

I'm sure in your court order there is something that says that between you and the nutcase you can negotiate extra time, most orders have this in place to try and prevent more court attendances. I know this week was the final hearing, but really it's not for the next 10 years, things change and you can always go back to court at some point in the future should she refuse to let you and your boys spend more time together. As they get older their voice will be heard and listened to with wanting to spend more time with you, and, who knows, when the shit turns bad between her and Gru the poo, as you will always have been the loyal one to them and their rock, they will realise this more and make their wishes known, because you have and still are their oasis.

I totally get what you are saying about the boys never having an intact family, nor knowing what that would be like because of your WW.

Kept on trucking and whoop her butt again at the financial hearing, if she hasn't learned anything from this week (which I seriously doubt) in that things aren't always going to go her way, she'll carry on as she has done and have no feet left to walk our of court with, having blown them all off making an idiot of herself in there.

The court system in the uk is harsh on fathers, and I hope she sticks to the order too but if she chooses not too, she will need to be answerable, and her disobeying of the order will do her no favours, short or long term, and may help you down the road.

Please try not to buy into the "affair fantasy" of their true lurrrrvveee and all that rubbish, I'm sure you're feeling more like that having seen her this week and all the emotions it's dredged up in you. She is not happy, if she was she would not be behaving this way, and regarding the 4ed house for her and Gru, it further goes to prove what a looser he is as being her boss and I'm sure on a higher wage than she, why isn't he providing for that? So their "happiness" depends a lot on what they can try and get put of you. Fight hard to not let that happen.

I'm sure child court and divorce has given you a lot of focus over the time, and when it's all done, whilst it being a relief of sorts, you may find you feel rather different in good ways and not so good ways, so just remember to nurture your good self, and take care of you. Focus on your 2 little angels as you do and you will be fine.

Cut yourself some slack, good things will come your way.

Thanks for keeping is updated

With lots of light

MM

[This message edited by mountainmomma at 5:00 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]

Mountain,

Your posts always lift my spirits. Thank you for that. Everything you say is right and I should take heed.

Unsurprisingly, CSTBXWW is not replying to even the most benign texts regarding the children. No change there.

It is slowly sinking in that she can't possibly be as happy as she professes. A happy person would simply want to get on with their life.

I just need more time

Allatsea -

I have been reading your entire story for a year now. I am now a member of this site. I just want to tell you like so many, how blown away I am at your will and tenacity to fight this woman who you called your wife. No one knows anything about me because I am new to this site. Plus, I am from America and you don't know our laws here. What I have read in your threads is so awe inspiring! The woman you married and bore your children is dead. The woman who you have been fighting and is pregnant with another mans child is NOT your wife. I am so very sorry that you found yourself here. There IS life after. My personal life hasn't rebounded since my husband cheated on me but so many do. You deserve the best of the best. It may feel like you don't know where to go from here- after the judges ruling - but you will find out. Hang in there Allatsea and you will know that she was meant to exit your life for you to find someone WORTHY of you.

AAS

Have your inlaws ever reached out to you during this whole mess???

HM

Guinness,

Welcome to the club. I hope you are on the road to healing, too?

I know that my rose tinted goggles are off and the woman I married is not there and probably never was. PASS has a recent thread in which he says that he can see that his wife wasn't all that good looking after all, a sign that his being-in-love is not there anymore. I feel the same way. I was besotted with my wife and loved her more than I did when we married. I was a poster child for marriage and sung its praises when anyone dared to 'disparage marriage'.

I can already see that there are ladies out there who are able to offer proper love and affection. I thought my wife was offering unconditional love but I now see that she always held back and was never as in love as me.

Still, there are glimmers of occasional kindness. Apparently CSTBXWW donated some money to my best friend for his son's operation. My friend didn't know how to feel about that.

Happyman

The in-laws dropped me within two weeks of finding out. They cruelly told me to never contact them again citing reasons such as:

"Invading their daughter's privacy"

If I "hadn't snooped we could still be happily married, she would have got it out of her system and we would still be together"

I raped their daughter (I didn't, just in case there was any doubt)

I "should get over it and accept that she has found someone better". (I didn't know she was looking)

They said I "had lost the plot"

"I hope you're very pleased with yourself"

I had texted her father many times in the first few months but he gave me crickets. I often wonder what he thinks of his daughter now? Pregnant so quickly, still married, lost her court battle, living with her boss etc. I know that he was always very traditional and disapproving of immoral behaviour. As was CSTBXWW

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:39 AM, March 24th (Monday)]

Still, there are glimmers of occasional kindness. Apparently CSTBXWW donated some money to my best friend for his son's operation. My friend didn't know how to feel about that.

If this was something that was recently done then I think this is just further manipulation on her part to attack you through your best friend. Don't give her too much credit for this. I think this is still part of her "rewriting" of your marriage with her and of herself. "Look, I'm not such a bad person after all! It's been AAS along!"

My STBXW ran her own PR campaign with our friends with the intent on spinning her image as the "wholesome" one who never did any wrong, who had the troublesome husband. This was done to prepare her circle of confidants when the truth of her A

's would eventually surface and she hoped she could wash herself of guilt by bathing in their many pity-parties for her. It didn't work. They started seeing my STBXW for who she really was. They are also noticing I'm a lot happier person these days as well.

Remember to stay true to who your are. You aren't the one running and hiding from the truth. Your CSTBXWW has that burden to bear for the rest of her life. You get to move on with a real and legitimate fresh new start, and as a much stronger person today. You're kids will see that, look up to you and admire you for it. They will love you so much for being their rock as they grow and you teach them real lessons in life. The big one here is that no one should ever treat them like the way your CSTBXWW treated you.

I had texted her father many times in the first few months but he gave me crickets. I often wonder what he thinks of his daughter now? Pregnant so quickly, still married, lost her court battle, living with her boss etc. I know that he was always very traditional and disapproving of immoral behaviour. As was CSTBXWW

I'm willing to bet he feels a lot of shame and is internalizing it. He's supporting his daughter because she already got impregnated by Gru and there's no correcting that. The only other option is to go along with the charade, not to protect their daughter but to protect his own image of a father having a slutty daughter. He has to provide legitimacy for her actions, thus he turns a cold shoulder to you and blames you.

I'm willing to bet that despite Gru's smugness through bearing witness to the entire D proceedings, he has already run various D scenarios of his own in his head with CSTBXWW and is scared shitless.

Between you and Gru, you're the real man who drew a line in the sand, is running his own show and setting your own path. Your mission now is to find happiness, and perhaps share this in the future with a new and deserving woman who wants to be a part of that happiness. Your kids will see this and also want be a part of that happiness more and more as they grow. You know you CSTBXWW is doomed to repeat her mistakes. You know what Gru is in for in their twisted future, so relish in his guaranteed comeuppance.

Jduff,

Thanks for that. I hope you're right. I like to think you are. However, whilst you and I and everyone here would feel shame and disgust if we did something like this, we also know tha waywards aren't empathetic or kind people. And that includes relatives of waywards

However, whilst you and I and everyone here would feel shame and disgust if we did something like this, we also know tha waywards aren't empathetic or kind people. And that includes relatives of waywards

Dear allatsea,

I have followed your two threads since you started on April 8th of last year. I couldn't respond in JFO, of course, and I had absolutely no intention of posting on this thread.

I have discussed your story with my H many times, and he knows that I read your updates whenever I am logged in to SI

However, I take extreme exception to the quoted comment above. Please do not tar and feather all of us fWS with the same brush.

Are you aware that this wonderful support site for both BS and WS was started by a WS and her BS? That two of the three Administrators of SI are fWS? That one Moderator is an fWS?

I have greatly emphathized with you and your situation. Yes, you have a horrible CSTBXWW; however, we are all not cut from the same cloth.

Yours truly,

A very kind and empathetic fWS,

lf

((((AAS))))

You are in a position at this point where things are only going to get better and better for you.

You have extricated yourself from this NPD Crazy person. You have earned your rightful spot as your childrens father, and they grown, and see mom for who she is, and they will, they will request more and more time with dad. Don't be surprised if they want more time with you when there is a new screaming meme at home too.

I can't wait for poor Gru to be the brunt of her unhappiness, when she is tired, and feels like nothing more than a human cow, and still has the pregnancy weight, and sleepless nights, and then has to go to watch him leave for the day. Wonder if thoughts of him looking at other thinner, well rested, stretchmark free women will enter her mind..... Afterall, he looked at her at work.....

Karma she is a real bitch, and when she comes knocking on their door you are going to be the one who can smile, and know that even as much as it hurt you did the right thing for yourself, and your kids.

Quit waxing poetic about the perfect family unit, that your kids aren't going to grow up with. As far as I know that is an illusion that does not exist. They are better off knowing Dad is guy who demands the respect he deserves, and that you love them.

((((and strength friend))))

AAS...I've held my tongue about the rape thing before on JFO.

From what you've said, she may genuinely see it like that. I think you said that she told you to stop part way through and you just quickly finished off, for about 10 seconds? (please let me know if I'm wrong). From your point of view, it was consentual, she changed her mind and you quickly finished. From her point of view? It WAS consentual, then she wanted it to stop. She told you that. You didn't stop but kept going until you were done. It doesn't matter how long that was...you kept going after she'd withdrawn her consent. 10 seconds is a long time when someone is having sex with you when you don't want it and have made that clear. Please understand, that part of it may well have felt like rape to her. It would to me. And I would 100% expect her parents to agree with that too. I'm not excusing ANY of the rest of the stuff she's pulled. But from what you have said yourself, you're on shaky ground here.

Soft,

I can understand your viewpoint.

I guess you had to have been there. If you knew me you would also know that behaviour such as that goes against my core beliefs. I've analysed it completely and I am comfortable with what happened. Strange though, that in 19 years she's never suddenly stopped mid way through except for the first time we had sex since she started her affair. Also remember that she wrote a letter to a friend of a friend citing her reasons for leaving me for gru. She told the friend that I was loving and devoted. Not the words of a wife who had a rapist for a husband.

The ground is not shaky from my perspective nor the evidence I have from CSTBXWW. I sleep soundly.

Looking forward,

You are allowed to take exception because you are an exception.

However, it is a sad fact that the large majority of wayward's are self absorbed and narcissistic. You only need to look at the stats on here.

My viewpoint stands but I accept that you may not be typical. Unfortunately, my CSTBXWW is.

re: the rape... sometimes these things are just not clear and can be pretty subjective.

My X started his A when we were geographically separated because of work. I only slept with him one time after his A had started (before I knew) and it was god awful. He was sweaty and aggressive (VERY unlike him). He was too rough. We'd usually go twice or three times if we hadn't seen each other in awhile-- it took him forever to go once and then he couldn't go again. It was a nightmare.

At one point during it, I remember being in the kind of head space where I just wanted it to be over. It hurt, I was getting nothing out of it and he seemed strange. I told myself he was out of practice and if I said something, it would hurt his feelings... so I stuck it out as long as I could, but I eventually had to ask him to stop. TMI, I bled for several days afterwards. That's not normal.

After I found out about the A, it clicked for me that I had been sexually assaulted. I was raped once in college, and in this new context it was exactly the same experience for me. He hadn't been intimate with me, he had used me to feel powerful and in control and to prove something to himself. And I couldn't have truly consented because, if I knew about the A, no way would I have subjected myself to unprotected sex and the possibility of STD (besides the fact I would have whacked his winky off).

I know he doesn't see it that way. We only had three weeks of false NC after DDay and I actually never saw him again face-to-face. He broke NC with me once to tell me about a death in the family via email, and you could tell by the way he was looking for pity (this was an estranged family member he actively avoided), he took no ownership. I remember getting the email and thinking to myself "generally your rape victim doesn't give a shit whether you're sad or not."

Some people might argue with me that I wasn't raped. That doesn't really matter, actually. I'd been raped before, this felt like the same thing, so I was. I'm not going to take him to court over it. I'm not telling all kinds of people what happened (I told some close friends, my therapist, but that was it). But I know how I understood it.

So it's quite possible she believes she was, and there is no way you are going to convince her otherwise. Years from now she may have some clarity that, under the circumstances, her saying "no" didn't make sense to you. You were a married couple and there should be no reason she'd feel a sense of violation under normal circumstances. That might help her to realize that the act wasn't as egregious as she imagines it or experienced it. But, unfortunately, you may have to accept that this is how she views it. And that's her right.

In the meantime, from your end, I would just process it as when a woman says stop, you stop. No matter what. That's, and my point about subjectivity, are probably the only real take aways you need to have here. Otherwise, as you say, you can sleep at night.

Thanks for listening to my ramble about this. It's a subject I've thought a lot about over the last year...

That's a tricky subject in my mind. I don't know if its my own journey that has made me hyper sensitive or attentive to people around me who experience one side of cheating or the other, or what, but I find myself analyzing and looking for trends and worrying over it all a lot. One trend I have noticed that leaves a bad taste in my mouth is that every girlfriend, female coworker, relative, or whoever that I've ever witnessed ending their relationship after/while cheating has thrown the R word out at some point. All of them. One of them I can even say with certainty was lying (she claimed he did it after a Christmas Party...except I was at the party, it was a small party, she never showed, and the guy drank too much and I got to watch my bf try to haul the guys stupid passed out self into a safe resting position. Also I'm pretty sure the reason she didn't show was she was with her ap, based on other very public evidence).

So it's really had for me to know what/how to feel about that.

AAS

Hope you're doing ok this week and gradually the events of last week and the effects and emotions of seeing STBXWW you're working through and using them to continue your onward journey with continued strength. Keep up the good work. Read jduffs post again and again, if you feel yourself slipping a bit.

Begin t/j

@ looking forward

AAS said

However, whilst you and I and everyone here would feel shame and disgust if we did something like this, we also know tha waywards aren't empathetic or kind people. And that includes relatives of waywards

Looking forward said

Please do not tar and feather all of us fWS with the same brush.

I don't see anywhere where AAS was "tarring and feathering all FWS" at all in his above quote.

He was referring to waywards.

when waywards are being, well, wayward, the fact is they simply ARENT empathic or kind people, towards their spouse, when they are thinking that an A is a good idea, whether they are actively in an A, unremorseful, or keeping the knowledge of the A from their spouse or parts of it for days, weeks months or years, perhaps reminiscing about their AP....wayward mindsets and patterns....they are still wayward, and not behaving nor thinking kindly or empathically towards their spouse. Of course we all know they can choose to change that and become cut from a different cloth and become FWS's once they "get it" and are remorseful etc....

Just sayin'....

There are some cases where the waywards family will see sense and support the BS, see the lunacy in what the WS is doing and voice that to the WS, and that's great, I'm sure AAS is aware from reading the boards that that is a possibility, looking forward. I agree with you AAS in that it sadly seems rare that that happens definitively within the WS wider family and a large proportion of the WS's family will behave like Your inlaws have, to varying degrees, in part, due to their own issues and shame/embarrassment etc of one of their own. Naturally it would cause them to reflect upon themselves and their own roles. No one wants to believe that one of their own would choose to behave in such a way, nor that they as parents etc may have contributed to it in any way. It would seem quite possible that because they cut you off so quickly after this all happened, they just couldn't handle nor face the awfulness of their daughters actions and (jmo) seems they felt that the scale of what she did was so huge they just couldn't face you because seeing you would remind them of what an idiot she was/is being. And in their denial of the truth of their own daughter turned on you.

Looking forward, I'm very pleased you and your BS have made it to the other side together, in part because you chose to change from WS to FWS, thereby changing your cloth, I just feel you were a little harsh there....I wish you both continued happiness.

End t/j

I am still to.this.day. Blamed by WS mother and step father for his choices. It bothers me much less now as I see it for what it is. Un-Funnily enough WS's step father is an unremorseful WS himself who had many AP's over the course of his marriage, who, after waiting till a few days till his last kid reached 18, left his poor BW, blindsided her telling her he'd been unfaithful for a large part of their marriage, which was all her fault, was waiting till the youngest turned 18 to up sticks and leave her, then went on to meet or (can't remember) may have already met my WS mum, who was divorced, they then got married when WS was a young teen, and still are now. Such complicated FOO.

In light to all

MM

[This message edited by mountainmomma at 6:54 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

Let's not forget that CSTBXWW has lied continuously for over 12 years. She got caught and needs to re-write history to assuage her guilt.

We must also remember that we have a letter from her written only two weeks after the alleged R incident stating that I am devoted and loving, best friends and never argue etc. These are not the words one would write if she had been R'd. This was her opportunity to lambast me for all wrongdoing.

She also needed to have an excuse to give to Gru as to why we were having sex. She was fully entrenched in a love affair at this point. In her mind, she was cheating on Gru with me.

MountainMomma,

I'm doing reasonably well. I'm missing my children as I haven't seen them since Sunday 16th although I have spoken with them. This weekend is supposed to be my first longer weekend but is unfortunately even shorter this weekend due to it being Mothering Sunday. That sucks.

I've compiled a spread sheet identifying all of the conatct dates, handover times and school holidays and I know that it will remove all ambiguity that may cause argument. I sent it to her for comment - no reply.

There are very small omissions from the court order such as exact time for handover on Sunday so I've asked her to suggest a time - no reply

I've asked for her input as to the Easter holiday days - No reply

I've sent her lawyer a letter asking for a speedy resolution to the financial situation in light of the recent ruling and I suggested that waiting until the end of June will be stressful for her seeing as she'll have a new born - no reply.

Last night the vet had to put our old cat to sleep. We had this cat for 16 years and therefore represented a significant perecntage of our time together. I texted CSTBXWW and told her. She replied 'I'm sorry to hear about that'. I guess I wasn't surprised that her response was so simple but I did think she would say a little more.