SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(aas, in case you want to edit, there's a couple of names left in that post)

I don't have a lot of time to post now but I couldn't not comment on these parts. (I've got to insert a Sarcasm alert here too)

BS said he was heartbroken and I'd ruined his life and he'd never recover, and lots more besides but, within a week of me moving out, he went on a date and within a couple of months he met the woman he's now married to, so he recovered far better than I (or he, probably) expected.

Oh, so that's alright then - she did everyone a favour really. No harm done.

And we've both worked bloody hard, POS too (less so POS's wife, but that's another story) to make sure DS came through it as unscathed as possible.

(What a disappointment the betrayed wife has turned out to be though. She's obviously not playing along nicely with OW and POS and hasn't worked as hard as they have. Obviously.

BS introduced his girlfriend quickly, which worried me, but DS coped fine and didn't ask a single question. POS and I took it slowly which felt better, and DS adored him from the word go. And POS adored DS too, and even now, they're so close it's lovely.

Oh see how much more responsibly her and POS acted about her son (whose family they exploded) than her betrayed husband did?

I lost a few friends along the way but I know now that they weren't true friends in the first place.

Obviously not if they can't see how much better everything is now that she and POS have broken up two marriages - friends with morals? Who'd want those? Not her obviously.

My parents were quietly pleased I'd left BS and by letting them help me when I needed it, they felt better for being able to do something.

Quietly pleased...that their daughter had an exit affair. I'm speechless aas. What a way to describe it. I can't even think of a sarcastic remark that would cover that one.

aas, if this is who CSTBXWW is asking for support and advice, well I just despair. She's only ever going to be getting a 'you go girl' response from this woman. Was this woman previously supposedly a 'friend' to you too?

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:12 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

This woman was not a friend of mine. She wasn't even a friend if CSTBXWW. She was a friend of the SIL.

I see huge differences between cstbxww and this woman. For one thing, she has worked amicably with BS and has ensured that the father has contact with his child. No such luck for me

For one thing, she has worked amicably with BS and has ensured that the father has contact with his child. No such luck for me

Sadly, that's true.

Glad I was able to help lift you a bit AAS,

So many of us are rooting for you.

Pleased my thoughts and last edited paragraph have given you something for your barrister.

Please make sure you have some time before you go in to talk to your barrister, I hope they are a take no prisoners type and will be firm and challenging to your WW. It's a great thing nothing was mentioned about who should have residency, which I hope will enable you to get a SRO a bit more, it shows that CAFCASS rant totally in favour of your WW having it solely, which even if they did still might not happen (as in the case of my brother).

My brothers WW also bought her AP to court and he was swaggering about looking the tough guy, walking past my brother, and trying to rile him to get him to loose his cool in court....remember it is just a veneer and his way of trying to look like a supportive man, when in reality he's probably shitting himself. Actually shows how insecure he is really.

Anyway enough about Gru the poo, you as hard as it'll be show your WW you mean business and you will not go away regarding your boys. As hard as it'll be to stay composed I know you have the inner core strength to do it after all you have been through.

I have been to child court with my brother and the days are very exhausting emotionally, but you WILL get there, hopefully tomorrow you will come away with more than what you have.

Also definitely go for half of the holidays, consider alternate Christmases and New Years, one week with one parent for Xmas for example, one has them for a week for new year and rotate annually, this way if you ever want to take them away for a holiday over these times then you have a chunk of time with them. Also my brother did this with all the school holidays and he found that after the boys had had a couple of chunks of holiday weeks with him especially after not having any time then a little bit of time, they yearned for more, this is a contributing factor in him gaining more non holiday time with them, it kept up regularity and "chunks of time" meant less disruption to the boys over the holidays and overall. you can go back to court and say that they have enjoyed 7 nights and have been settled, and it's been stable for them having equal time shared etc etc and I'm in no doubt once they have experienced this that they too will thirst for more time with you, poor things at the moment are at WW control, that WILL change, believe me. It is also only fair that the boys see you on week nights and they see you facilitating in their school life and have an input into their homework etc, so they see for themselves the fairness and equality of having you be an I put into their lives, not just the weekend dad. This may come later and did for my bro, but there was and is no reason in his case nor yours that you should not be involved in that. That is, after all, in the best interests of the children.

Wishing you the best and keep us posted when you feel up to it,

Stay strong, you can do it

With light

MM

[This message edited by mountainmomma at 2:38 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

sending you good thoughts. I hope all went well today for you.

Well, well, well,

Yesterday went really well.

My barrister wrote an amazing position statement for the judge to read prior to the hearing.

Just to give you a bit of UK family law background; There are generally three hearings. The first hearing I had in October and it set out the documents that were needed and the expert reports that had to be produced.

Yesterday was the second hearing where the documentation is discussed. This is where the judge starts giving some strongly worded guidance with the expectation that the parties can reach an agreement without having to go to a final hearing (also called the trial). In most cases the guidance the judge gives in the second hearing is an indication of the likely outcome of the trial. Trials are best avoided due to cost and they can also be very emotionally draining.

CSTBXWW entered with arrogance firmly of the belief that the judge will simply default to the recommendations of CAFCASS (child services)

30 mins prior to the hearing my barrister proposed a settlement whereby I relinquished shared residency in exchange for additional nights with the boys and agreement to be part of their after school clubs and swimming lessons.

CSTBXWW rejected it out of hand.

Shared v sole residency is not such a big issue from a legal standpoint although it does represent a feeling of power play. My barrister wanted to demonstrate that I was only interested in seeing the children and could not careless about titles.

When the judge heard about my rejected offer by the mother, she (the judge) began a very long monologue at the mother essentially berating her for being all the things we all know her to be. The judge then stated that she was going to have to legally recuse herself from any further hearings for what she was about to say (as it clearly showed that she had already made her mind up and would therefore not be able to preside for the trial); She made it quite clear that the mother has behaved in an appalling manner, her manipulation of the children was obvious and strongly suggested that she accept my offer otherwise, come final trial, she would likely have her days reduced further. She went on to say that if CSTBXWW didn't show reasonable behaviour regarding contact over the imminent school holiday and Easter, that this would also not portray her in a good light. The judge suggested that if it went to trial that her behaviour would likely result in shared residency.

A trial date was set by the judge for some time in May and seemed to deliberately set it only two weeks before CSTBXWW's due date.

When the hearing ended CSTBXWW left the room immediately and went to see Gru in their consulation room. She was majorly pissed.

I was dumbstruck. It didn't actually sink in until my barrister walked me through what had happened. CSTBXWW got a very severe dressing down and it was quite extreme, according to the barrister. When a judge recuses herself because she cannot help but express an opinion, you know what the final score will be.

I suggested that we used the rest of the day to hammer out an agreeable arrangement but apparently CSTBXWW was too distraught and left immediatetly. She was devastated.

My father and I collected my children from school and we had one of the nicest evenings so far.

I should now expect some kind of approach from her solicitor to sort out a plan in order to avoid a trial.

You can imagine how relieved I am. I feel vindicated, euphoric and like I'm floating. My mind is racing but I still feel sad, somehow. There are no victors in this war.

Thanks to all of your support. There IS light at the end of the very long, dark tunnel.

[This message edited by allatsea at 9:43 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

OMG!

I wrote to CSTBXWW asking for an agreement for contact over the school holidays.

Her solicitor has written back stating that her client will not allow additional contact at this time!!!!

She didn't listen to the judge in anyway. She totally disregarded the judges bitch slapping.

I can't believe it!

Aas, what a good session you had yesterday - no wonder you were walking on air. ...and only your CSTBXWW could follow it with this:

Her solicitor has written back stating that her client will not allow additional contact at this time!!!!

I can't believe it!

Neither can I. Document. Document. Document. That's all I can say. I wish this same judge was going to be sitting for your last session though, especially as your crazy ex has completely disregarded everything the judge said. I don't know anything about the court process but..were the judges remarks recorded for the future judge to view? If so, do you think your CSTXWW could have just put the last straw on her camel?

eta because I just I re read your post again that actually just the fact that the judge excused herself from the final hearing probably speaks loud enough for itself.. and I really am gutted for you aas because you would think that any sensible person would have done exactly what you thought and made an attempt to put a plan in order.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 7:55 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

I'm documenting everything. Even a year on she continues to delude herself.

The anger and aggression that she and Gru have for me is astounding. As a couple they are spiralling around and feeding off each other like a star going super nova.

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:04 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Wow... just Wow and hugs.

I wanted to add that there was I remember a similar story to yours from a UK person ?? Named Surviving101.

She was a SAHM all her life and was using the kids a pawns for money for more visitation. At one point she basically kidnapped the kids. She messed things up so much for herself that he ended up with Full Custody and she got very little SS.

If you can find his tread it takes your from shocking at her behavior to happy with the ending.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:46 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Hi Allat! Long time listener to your story, first time caller.

I feel like BS's everywhere enjoyed a moment's understanding and vindication from your judge yesterday, but mostly, I am absolutely thrilled for you.

That CSTBXWW could "listen" to the judge yesterday and immediately turn around to try to keep you from your boys yet again simply speaks to how truly C she is. It must be so disappointing that she didn't process the message she was sent and start behaving like a mother should. And yet again, you are missing out on time with your guys.

BUT at this point, perhaps you can take strength and push through this final leg of your journey with the knowledge that by doubling down and refusing to budge, despite such a clear and direct message from the bench, she is likely making the final outcome even more wonderful for you and your boys. Not to count your chickens before they hatch, but if you can continue to conduct yourself as a gentleman and interact like a sane and reasonable parent should, I suspect the final judgment is going to be even sweeter than you were led to believe yesterday.

Finish line in sight! You can do this!

From one of your biggest fans

Yessssss!

I'm so glad yesterday went well for you and you feel you have been somewhat vindicated, heard, and your difficult position very much noted by the judge. As others have said, not counting chickens and hopefully the outcome may be better for you and the boys long term, time wise, come the trial in May if she continues to be the tantrumming child she's being now. I had a feeling her cockiness wouldn't get her very far......and lovely that you and your dad had a lovely time with the boys afterwards too.

I don't think the rope factory makes rope quickly enough for the amounts your STBXWW is choosing to wrap around her neck by behaving like this, and the fact you already got a letter saying nothing's changing is unfortunate for you short term, but long term I believe so good for you.

12ish weeks to go, that's plenty of time for her to royally screw herself!. Muse over your plans if you were given sole custody and have a think as to how you could manage that. A friend of a friend once had a crazy XWW similar to yours in court who had a dressing down or two over time and she made the grave mistake of trying to blame the BH that the stress of him taking her to child court was going to make her have a breakdown!. The judge deemed her unstable and gave him full custody there and then.

I wouldn't put this kind of cray cray beyond yours either.

Anyway I'm sooooooo pleased yesterday went well for you. Do keep us updated

Light

MM

Fantastic news from the hearing. However, I have to say that I am NOT one bit surprised that your POSWW didn't process One Damned Thing that was said. Keep your eyes firmly on the goal. And if you can manage to document yet more instances (like what just occurred) that show POSWWs utter disregard for the judge, then so much the better!

She's getting worse.

I got a letter from her solicitor this morning stating that on Wednesday I was shouting at the children about mummy and was asking them if they loved me. Apparently I caused them to cry and told them that their new sibling will be horrible like its father.

According to her, the boys don't want to see me this weekend and are very distressed.

I have responded denying all of the accusations but I'm now really worried that she will keep making shit up the more scared she gets.

I am really concerned what she's said to the boys and how they will react when I collect them from school later.

I did ask the boys if they thought we did enough fun things when they stay and they were overwhelmingly positive. I also asked if they were happy to spend time with me and they said they were. We spent much of the evening cuddled up on the sofa watching a film. The boys did tell me the baby will be called George and I was positive with them about that.

I'm not only concerned about what CSTBXWW is saying but she is manipulating the conversations I am having with the boys and saying stuff to them that is clearly an attempt to alienate me.

I'm just trying to stay calm

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:23 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

Wow. Are there no depths that she won't sink to? I'm truly disgusted with her. It's obvious that she is putting a lot of pressure on those poor boys that they are just not capable of dealing with. She's putting words into their mouths and causing them untold stress in her vile attempt to make you out as the bad parent. I admire you for staying calm - keep that up because you need your wits about you right now. You say they are at school now - could you contact the school? Is there anyone there that you can speak to in confidence to share your concerns and find out how they actually are today?

My advice is to not change your plans and pick them up as normal. There's going to have to be an element of playing this by ear at pick up time in my opinion because you are the one in the dark here. But I join you in being most concerned about this turn of events. The thing is aas, you came here Thursday and posted this about Wednesday night;

My father and I collected my children from school and we had one of the nicest evenings so far.

So please try to stay calm because you were the one who was there and you know how that evening went...stay calm and keep your wits about you. At the very least you have your Dad as a witness that these things didn't happen as she says. Are the boys in therapy? Because if they aren't I think they might have to start - she is putting too much pressure on two little boys and putting you into an impossible situation to boot. This has got to be stopped aas but with her being so vindictive you are going to have to be careful how you do it. Do this as you have done everything else so far, cross your t's and dot your i's. She's out to get you and is prepared to use two little boys to do it.

The most important thing is to first just try to steady this ship aas - try to get someone at the school to tell you how the boys are, and if you can get the boys with you and into a calm atmosphere at your house. Stay calm and try to be positive while you do that. I can't believe she's sunk so very low. Please keep us posted aas.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 6:40 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

AAS,

Are your boys in therapy? If not, it's probably time to start. If she's going to be sinking as low as she has with the lying and putting them in the middle, they need a neutral place/person they can open up to.

She just amazes me....

Stay strong. I am really happy things seem to be going good.

aas, I hope you and the boys are OK.

By coincidence, I had to collect DS8 from school as he was poorly. I spoke with the school about counseling. I also phoned the doctors only to discover that cstbxww has moved them to another one nearer her without informing me. Considering we only live 5 minutes away from each other it was hardly necessary. I'll bring it up with the solicitor.

It doesn't look like I'll be seeing the boys over the holidays but I will make sure the judge hears about it.

The boys are absolutely fine but told me that they don't want me to ask them any questions about anything even remotely connected with the separation. This includes asking them if they are happy to spend the weekend with me. I will respect their wishes and make the judgement based on their behaviour. Their spontaneous cuddles, games, banter and obvious cheerfulness tell me everything I need to know.

An evening of exchanging opinions with the cstbxww confirmed to me that she has no respect for the judges opinion and portrays herself as the gatekeeper of the children.

There is no getting through her bubble of delusion.

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:16 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

I'm glad to see your post aas. Once again you've handled this perfectly. Speaking to the school about counselling for the boys and (trying to talk to) the doctor show you to be the responsible parent you are, always putting the boys best interests first in front of your own wishes. That really does speak for itself aas.

I'm not surprised that the boys don't want to be asked any questions about the separation - that's the whole problem in the first place - CSTBXWW seems to continually keep putting them in the middle, exactly where their little hearts and minds don't want to be. They love you both and she really needs to start accepting that. I don't know why she is making this so very hard for her own kids - this will be affecting them, and they are not so young that they won't remember it in the future. I'm glad that you are making your home the safe haven they need to just be kids in. I'm confident that when you present all this to the judge in court CSTBXWW bubble of delusion will break because these facts will speak for themselves.

Just like these in fact:

Their spontaneous cuddles, games, banter and obvious cheerfulness tell me everything I need to know.

Keep holding that thought.