SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When we got married I was 180lbs at 5'7" and with my first pregnancy I went up to 230lbs. After the baby was born I breastfed but we kept eating out and I went up to 250lbs. After DDay 1 and DDay 2 I lost 30lbs and got pregnant during HB. So last night we were talking about the show "love & hip hop" cause one of the guys on there left his girlfriend of 13 years whom he has 2 kids with to marry the OW and didn't even have the decency to tell her (OW told her and humiliated her in front of millions of viewers). I made a comment about telling your spouse the truth and he proceeds to say if I wanted to hear the truth and I told him yes. He starts to say that he finds me unattractive with all that weight on and that is the reason he cheated and the reason he doesn't initiate sex. He says our marriage will never get better if I don't lose weight and that I shouldn't get jealous about him checking other women out when I refuse to get to a place for him to check me out. I have started a diet and I am exercising but it hurts to hear your husband say he finds you unattractive. We are in limbo and I am not ready to move on but I just feel like crap and wanted to vent .

He says our marriage will never get better if I don't lose weight and that I shouldn't get jealous about him checking other women out when I refuse to get to a place for him to check me out.

Wow, just wow. What a cad. It's your fault?! I want to knock this guys teeth out. Does he live in Brooklyn, because I do too, and I can find him and accidentally trip him on the icy sidewalks. Then I can walk on top of him just to make sure he gets covered in icy slush. Maybe he will freeze there and be taken away by the streetcleaners.

Sweetie, he doesn't deserve to be with a quality woman like you. I read your profile. He's a grade A dick and not worthy to have you wipe your feet on him much less remain married to him.

Forget the *content* of what he said to you. Look at his *character* in saying it.

this is:

-- manipulative

-- intentionally cruel (you JUST had his baby for godsakes)

-- a complete lie

He betrayed you. Now he gets to insult you in the name of "truth"?? And directly say that YOU have to change or else he's justified in ogling other women (and, by implication, taking that as far as they will let him)?

The reason he cheated is obvious. It is because he is THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WOULD EVEN THINK TO SAY THIS SHIT.

He's a sadist, and if you, like a kicked puppy start some sort of self-improvement regimen so that you can COMPETE WITH OTHER WOMEN FOR YOUR HUSBAND, you have already lost. He can always move the goal posts, because this tactic has worked. He says jump, you say how high? You jump that high, he says, oh this girl I checked out the other day could do that AND a backflip, while wearing high heels. You enroll in gymnastics class. (this is a metaphor btw) It never ends.

If you did want to lose weight, it should be for your own health and self-esteem.

But the type of man you're married to, if he had a skinny wife, would tell her her breath stinks and she should learn how to s*ck dick better if she wants to keep him.

You deserve better; this guy is a pig.

Then you need to file for a divorce because he does not know what love is.

I am sorry

I am so sorry that you had to hear that shit from the man who you love and the father of your children. If you were skinny, he would find fault with the size of your breasts, or your butt wouldn't be nice enough for him or your hair wouldn't be pretty enough. He is a total asshole and has no sensitivity whatsoever! Maybe you aren't happy with the size of his penis either but you don't go around telling him to grow a bigger one, now do you?

I hope that you truly do not let his stupidity ruin your self esteem. I know it's hard, hard, hard. We are all here for you. Keep strong.

I want to reach through this screen and HUG you!! It's not about your weight ... I hope you realize that. Say it ... "It's not about my weight". because it isn't. He is doing an absolute terrific job at blame shifting ~ and it's working because you are actually believing his bullshit. His love is so conditional it makes me want to

Please please please do some soul searching. It's not about a diet or exercise or eating low carb. He is emotionally abusing you. You need to begin healing from the abuse. Are you in IC? Start focusing on you and do what you need to do to heal.

Oh ... I kind of like norabird's offer

^^^^What worried lady said.

The only person responsible for his behavior is him.

Divorce is hard, being a single parent is hard, but isn't living with an immature self centered jerk harder?

My husband gained weight...a lotta weight.

I didn't cheat, and I still found him sexy all the way up until I found out he cheated. And, he cheated on me with someone who is obese.

If he weren't happy about your weight, he should have been supportive. He could just as easily have prepared healthy and low calorie meals. Did he go for walks with you? Did he help you bundle up the babes and go for a family walk. Did he buy bikes for the family?

Honey, I would D his ass, and then lose the weight for me, not him...oh wait, I'm doing that now.

Don't you listen to his cruel words. He is being an asswhole and you deserve better.

You weren't a stick when you met him and you should not listen to him making up crap about getting down to the size of a stick.

I'm so sorry he hurt you. I wish they weren't so cruel when they are blameshifting!

ETA: I forgot to mention, the only reason I brought up him not offering to help lose weight is because your weight was never the issue. If it had been, he would have done the things mentioned above. It was NEVER your weight.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:14 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Ugh, I am so sorry. What an asshole. :(

I'm so sorry, hon. We all come in so many different shapes and sizes that it's NEVER the reason people cheat when you get to the bottom of it.

He cheated because he's a selfish asshole, and he told you the "truth" for the same reason.

I'm 5'2" and packed on about 30lbs over the course of my relationship with Crazz, and I wasn't light to begin with. Stocky with some muscles, but never the picture of what the media considers sexy.

Crazz may have his faults, but he has never EVER made me feel bad about my body, even when I get down on myself. This is not because I'm the picture of sexy - far from it. This is because he doesn't have a pornographic delusion of what attractiveness is.

You don't have to move on right this second, but I want you to know that there are plenty of people who know how to love without letting their narrow minded hangups get in the way of what love really is. There are plenty of people who will regard you as attractive. At the end of the day we just want to look like ourselves and have someone love us for that and what's inside.

It's HIM. Not you. Sending big hugs.

(((BrooklynLove)))

What a horrible and cruel thing to say. I'm sorry he said that to you.

(((Hugs)))

Wow, just wow. What a cad. It's your fault?! I want to knock this guys teeth out. Does he live in Brooklyn, because I do too, and I can find him and accidentally trip him on the icy sidewalks. Then I can walk on top of him just to make sure he gets covered in icy slush. Maybe he will freeze there and be taken away by the streetcleaners.

norabird

You are my hero!

There seems to be a pattern in WS's I've heard about who say that sort of crap. They are rarely that perfect looking themselves and are even uglier inside. Broken.

He should take a really good look and make sure he's GQ cover material and a Sexiest Man Alive before spouting off crap about anyone. Especially you. Even then---how asshat. This just shows what an idiot he is. He doesn't deserve you.

This stuff makes me purple.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 1:14 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

I have started a diet and I am exercising but it hurts to hear your husband say he finds you unattractive.

The only unattractive person is him. If you want to diet and exercise, do it for you and your children. He does not deserve your beautiful soul.

((((hugs))))

He starts to say that he finds me unattractive with all that weight on and that is the reason he cheated and the reason he doesn't initiate sex.

Umm, no. The reason he cheated has nothing to do with you. The reason he cheated is because he is a selfish, lying, cruel, insensitive ASSHOLE.

Don't fall into his insane trap. Even if you lost a lot of weight, he'd find fault with something else about you. If you go on a diet, and exercise, do it only for yourself....but don't do it for him. FTG!

Even if you lost a lot of weight, he'd find fault with something else

^^^true!

One WS told his BW he cheated b/c she was late to Thanksgiving. So, it's aways something.

@Norabird - LOL that would be great for him to feel the pain I've been feeling .

@lieshurt - Everyone tells me that and I think there is a lot of resentment because of my career choice and the fact that I work 3 days and make more money. I encouraged him to get a professional degree but he wanted to do business. And once we graduated there was no job in his field. He is working now 9-5 at a bank making way less then me. He now wants to go to nursing school again but failed out last year (for partying).

@Blinders_off - I do believe he is a sadist. I think when he sees me in pain he enjoys it. But I still don't have the self esteem to walk away yet and my babies are so young. But my love is slowly dying.

@worried_lady - Last year we were going to divorce then he brings in his parents, my family, and our pastor to convince me that marriages all have good and bad times. I think what hit him was that he realized apartments are expensive in Brooklyn and with CS his life would be hell.

@SadInNC - My self esteem is at an all time low and I feel so unwanted all the time. I am on a leave of advance at my job right now (because my maternity leave is done) and once I return my insurance will be back and I will be going to IC. Him and the sl*t were calling me fat joe and lol'ing .

@dmari - Thanks for the hug and I know he is emotionally abusing me. I never saw myself here and I just am having a hard time with the concept of moving on. I am getting a lot of religious pressure about divorce and I have been dating him since JH so I have never been with another man and all of this plays into it. But my love is not the same anymore and I think he sees it.

@justdoit - He is one of the biggest self centered jerks around but people think he is the most loving, quietest and nicest man.

@StillLiving - I know it's not really about my weight but it really hurts when the person that is suppose to love you rejects you. I told him I know that God forbid I got sick he would not be at my side and he said that was different. I know he would not be there and that is so sad.

@janagreen - He is the biggest asshole to me but the nicest guy to everyone else.

I'm so sorry sweetie. He is a class A asshole for sure.

I will pray for your strength to dump his ass. (I know this is mean, but I might be tempted to criticize something about his body just to hurt him)

I'm good looking, well educated, guys even hit on me in front of my H.

And still... he betrayed me twice.

So, implant in your mind this: It's not you, it's him.

Read my sig.

You can loose weight, change your hair, do whatever you want, but do it for YOU.