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Stop. Stop allowing yourself to give him headspace with the how can he, coulda woulda shoulda.

He is an ass, that was an addict even when you were in a "good" space.

It's ok to grieve, but you cannot allow yourself to spiral down. Think about the real gift in all of this. YOU no longer have to tolerate his addictions, his abuse, and his craziness.

Anyone with any sense at all is going to see his FB nonsense for what it is.

Now today is a fresh day, and his shit is gone from your home, so one less thing to worry about and deal with.

You are working toward being able to file. Each paycheck gets you closer.

Keep pushing along, and do something fun for you and your son today.

(((and strength)))

BBM I am glad that part is behind you. He came to get his things and now he can stop bothering you about them. Also excellent job in keeping your son away and therefore safe from being hurt in that particular situation.

As for the FB stuff, you need to make it crystal clear to everyone who is telling you about his posts that they need to stop. Tell them how hurtful it is to you. Im am sure that if they care for you and see how deeply it hurts you that they will stop. He is posting these things of FB because he is a fool. He is still married and he is openly and publicly flaunting his affair. He is a damn fool. I guess the drugs make him believe that these acts do not make him look like a stupid ass. Everyone knows he has abandoned his wife and son for a drug dealing criminal but he publicly announces it...crazy. You cannot try to make sense of nonsense. Stop wasting headspace trying to understand. Your only concern is you and your son.

Refocus today on you and continue on the path you have been on. Paint the house, rearrange furntiture-make it yours. You have come so far, too far, so keep your chin up and keep moving. Do not let his stupid, crazy, drug addicted bullshit pull you down.

I hope you can kick the D process off very soon. You need this chapter behind you and to have everything carved out and clear such as child support, etc. This will simplify your life and allow truly a new start.

((((BBM))))

edited to add that I agree 100% tushnurse. Read her post again and again. It is so true.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 9:06 AM, September 4th (Thursday)]

He is definitely an ass! I just don't understand it, I know that I obviously NEVER will. I know that I am going to be better off, eventually, without him and his added stress. I can finally see clear enough to know that my relationship was never as good as I pretended it was. I had red flags waving all over the place! I was just too stupid, too blind, and too in love to see the writing that was BOLDLY written on the wall!

I was actually surprised that he showed up. He was late. Big surprise. And I am sure he will keep calling. I know he wants to bitch about the jeans. But honestly, I gave him the things he ASKED for....I made it quite clear that it hurts me to hear those things and I DO NOT CARE how much he loves her. He loves what she is...a dopehead loser JUST LIKE HIM. I couldn't and wouldn't be that person. I represent responsibilities and real life. She is all fun and games. At least for now....but the karma bus is hitting them. Trouble is catching up. We will see how much fun she is then.

Edited to add: I took my wedding rings off today. Just another kick while I am down....they don't mean anything anymore. Maybe they never did.

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 1:26 PM, September 4th (Thursday)]

Stop beating yourself up.

You made a big move, and have made such great progress. It's not going to be all better overnight, in a week, a month, or even a year. It takes time. Remember 2-5 years. NO matter what path you choose.

Now why don't you take those rings to the nearest gold place, and cash those suckers out, and get all new bedding, and paint for your master room.

Seriously do something big and fun and good for you!!!!

Sell the rings and fund your divorce - your liberation fund is in your hand!

BBM, please know it takes awhile for your heart to catch up and feel what your head already knows. Don't disparage yourself about this. Let your head lead right now. Your heart is too broken. Life will settle in, and when it does, you can create space for your heart to catch up and heal.

You would never do what he did... this is what makes it so hard to accept!!

Now, onto practical matters. Love that you cut your hair!!!!

If $ is a factor, the Hazardous Materials Department of our local landfill gives out free paint. Some of it leftovers from contractors in the original cans, and some big buckets that they mix on site. May be worth a call to your local dump.

The BEST thing I did for myself early on was purchase a cordless drill. Nothing like a power tool for empowerment. My anger fueled some major home improvements. Even built an entire patio set from reclaimed wood... Who knew?

You sound like such a strong lady! Use your outrage to create a wonderful new home. You've got this!!!!

Also don't forget craigslist for free or cheap paint. Also searching through the Free Stuff or the For Sale section could be a welcome distraction for you or maybe even your son too, to do together. It's fun looking for stuff or even just reading the ads, some of them are absurd and hilarious (intentionally or not)! It could give you something to focus on (even just for a few moments) and look forward to, to get some free/cheap furniture, decor or stuff for projects, to help make a new home. Just for some temporary relief from the painful part of your reality.. & maybe even some laughs.

I am amazed at how well you're doing. It's especially painful when the other party who betrays & abandons you- turns against you and tries to make you the bad guy. What he's doing is just plain ABUSE. It doesn't make any sense, and your brain keeps trying to make sense out of it, but you can't make sense out of insanity.

And the hits just keep coming. I am so done with all of this nonsense. Along with his anal warts and learning all of the new information over the weekend, now I am pretty sure he is threatening me on Facebook. Tell me what you think....here is what he posted: "Seriously, why would someone want to keep someones simple possessions, just to be a bitch and make things harder??????? Time to quit playing nice, I guess, havoc will be unleashed this weekend......"

Really?! When has he been nice? When he started cheating years ago? When he contracted anal warts? When he took another woman to a concert, IN MY CAR? When he abandoned his son? Because I honestly missed him being "nice"!

Not very smart for someone on house arrest AND parole to post something like thay on Facebook. He is nuts.

While what he is doing may not be illegal, he is certainly being an ass and harrassing you.

Have you considered calling his parole officer and telling them what he is doing? Tell them about the food stamp mess, the promising to come get his shit/not showing up/calling you names and threatening you on facebook, the harassing phone calls from him and OW..etc...etc.

Maybe the parole officer could tell him to knock it off.

Maybe I missed it, but why don't you pack his shit up and ask a friend to deliver it to his parents house?

It doesn't surprise me at all that he is saying that shit on facebook. He wants everyone to think this is all your fault. He knows it';s not..he knows he is a POS..but he is doing damage control.

I packed up his stuff and he came got it last week. Now he wants dvd's. Oh and stolen jewelry. I gave him everything he asked for!

I agree, he is definitely trying to make me look bad and place the blame on me. I have been A LOT nicer than I should have especially with everything he has done. He hasn't seen bitch yet!

I do believe a call to his po is going to be necessary. This wasn't a very smart move AT ALL.

Why are you looking at his facebook page. You know nothing he is going to say is true. So why aggravate yourself.

Make sure you take a screen shot of that post.

Do NOT give him another thing until you are ordered to do so by your attorney or divorce judge.

Stop reading his nonsense on Facebook. Who cares what he says?

I don't look at his Facebook. I don't even have an account anymore. That post was sent to me so that I can be prepared for whatever it is he is planning. He is crazy, I am NOT just saying that. He has mental issues, is off his meds and doing God only knows what drugs. I don't know what he is capable of at this point!

I would like to think that he really isn't THAT stupid....but he has proven otherwise.....

BBM-Well, it sounds like you have a firm grasp on just who you are dealing with here. It is all about you and your son from now on. If he is making threats then you need to have that printed and keep as proof. While I totally agree that you shouldnt look at his social media (and I know you do not, but friends do)I absolutely believe if he is saying anything that can be perceived as a threat you need to keep that proof. You may need to go to the police and seek an RO on him,start a paper trail. I also believe that you need to contact his PO on this issue and the food stamp issue. You say he has mental issues and is off his meds and we all know he is using meth, these factors make him a wild card and who knows what he is capable of. Please let family know what is going on and do whatever you need to do to stay safe. Maybe add dead bolts to the doors if you do not have them and anything you think is a weak spot in the house have addressed. I am one to always air on the side of caution with safety and crazy people. So please print evidence of threats and take to the police. Maybe it will be a violation for him and he can go to jail, I dont know but protect yourself and your son.

Also, it might be wise to let the school know what is going on. I worry about your WH showing up at his school to pick him up, etc. If it were me I would let them know. I let my sons school know what was happening after the A so they could keep a watchful eye on my son and be supportive of him through the changes that were occurring at home. It was a good thing in my case as they were wonderfully supportive of him and kept an eye on his behavior.

How close are you to paying the lawyer and getting the D process rolling?? You need to remove this man from your life asap. Can you take the rings and get some money and pay the attorney? I know that might be too hard and asking too much, I'm just thinking out loud. You and your child need to be removed and protected from these people.

Keep posting BBM. I know you are experiencing so much right now. If you look through your posts you can see how far you have come in this process. you are fully aware of who this man is now. The great thing is after this storm passes you and your son can have a bright future without this drug fueled crazy drama. It will get better. As Winston Churchill so wisely said "If you're going through hell, keep going." You WILL come out the other side.

You really need to get your divorce filed too. You know the old saying? First one to the courthouse wins? There is a lot of truth to that.

Even though you don't "want" a divorce, you NEED to file first so you can get your demands in place. Otherwise you're going to end up jumping through hoops playing defense to his demands.

File now. Get the child custody in place and the house situation put in place.

Please don't wait any longer to do this. You don't want to be playing defense to a crazy person. Take my word for it. It's no fun.

I hope by November to be able to file for divorce. Fingers crossed, anyway. I know without a doubt that the man I loved, married and had a child with no longer exists. Honestly, I don't think he ever did. I think he put on one helluva act for as long as he possibly could and THIS is the real person. Sure wish I had found out years ago.....or maybe paid more attention to the signs.

His latest Facebook rant is directed toward his daughter and her mom. I am printing everything out that is posted. As of right now, I don't think I have enough for a restraining order. But his craziness is out in full force so he will sink his own ship soon.

It's incredible to me how an addict will literally blame everybody around them. They absolutely refuse to see that they alone are responsible for their miserable circumstances. I guess because they feel like they are such good people minus a few minor flaws like drugs, lying and, infidelity.

Try to see it for what it is...selfish, childish behavior. A grown man lying on the floor in the check out lane of the grocery store, throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get the candy bar he wanted. Sadly, he probably never emotionally matured beyond that very point but, it's not your problem. Until he can accept that he is the problem, which he is so far from, he will never be able to accept that he has a lot of work to do to be able to have a real adult relationship.

I know it's hard BBM but, try to just shrug it off. Anything you do in reaction to his venom just keeps you connected to his drama.

You really have come a long, long way. I don't even know you but, it speaks very highly of your intelligence that you are able to see past the mask and act in the best interest of you and your son. I sincerely believe that your boy will thank you one day for the bravery you have shown!

I do believe threats/libel/harrassment should be passed along to you, but beware how and who passes it along. I think one of the fallouts of infidelity is we quickly figure out who our real friends are and where our support system lies. Some people will pass along info to truly help you and keep you in the loop for "divorce ammo" so to speak. Many others though feed off drama and gossip and will try to pass along BS that doesn't help and only pushes us down the rabbit hole. Best thing you can do for yourself is to be aware of this and not be afraid to cut ties with anyone toxic. Facebook is a magnet for toxicity and gossip mongers IMHO. Stay strong! At this rate, I suspect POS isn't going to have much to stand on come D time. Can't wait for you to finally have some peace!

People who post all their private business (whether true or not) on social media are just plain stupid and clueless because now the entire world can see it. (And in his case- lawyers, prob officer, etc etc.) And most people with any common sense know the ones who 'protest too much' are full of BS and batshit crazy. So he's just giving himself away. And anyone who believes his BS is just as dumb as he is- so they deserve each other. The person who knows the REAL story doesn't have to spend their time spewing their business all over FB-

trying so hard to convince everyone. People who know you and the situation obviously know the truth. The way he is ranting is just making him look even crazier and more juvenile. So let him dig himself into a hole- sounds like he's doing a great job of it! And kudos to you for not getting sucked into the game. You are above all that shit.