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Ugh. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I felt like I was starting to pull myself out of this dark hole. But lately I feel like I am falling back into it! I know it gets worse when be contacts me. That is why I changed my number!

I am just so tired of putting on a brave face and a smile when I feel so dead and empty inside. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I still don't sleep. I have maybe slept 6hrs in over a week. And that is only because I have taken sleeping aids and I hate that. I hate that now I have to rely on anti-depressants to even be able to pretend to function.

I have so much stress and worry now. It is killing me. How long until I feel somewhat normal again? When does it end? Seeing the pain in my sons eyes when he says things like "I don't have a Dad anymore." is more than I can take. This is killing me.

Please know you are normal in what you are feeling. While I won't even presume to give a timeline for healing (although 2-5 years is often said here), healing is not linear. For me, it seems with time (yes I hate that word too), the lows stop going so low and the highs get higher as I heal. But none of that changes the circular nature of the healing process. You may head down that dark hole more times than anyone cares to, but you won't go as deep down, and it will be easier to follow the light back up. This I can all but promise you.

I have also tried to alter my perception about feeling low. Some say the down time is our psyches way of asking us to slow down... Not because we are beaten, but because we need the energy for our next leap towards healing. If we can't listen, we don't have the energy to move forward. Sometimes this shift in thinking helps, and sometimes I just get flipping stuck, and trudge along.

Please don't take these platitudes as demeaning... I truly get where you are! I am almost four years out, and things are SO much better. I am not sure when I passed through the stage you are now in, but it did pass.

If I am reading correctly, you are pretty early in this journey. Please honor the trauma you are enduring by giving yourself permission to feel crappy, tired, worn out... And hang in there. It does get better.

Just wondering? Have you gotten angry yet?

Do you have a place you can go to drop the brave face and let loose... cry, yell, crumble? Even for a little bit to help release some of the pressure?

Sleep deprivation is a nasty beast. It may be time to consider a trip to the doc. I resisted this suggestion for far too long, and wound up with a nasty case of PTSD (sleep dep and other issues). Damned pride cost me there. Much better now!

As they say, when you are going through hell, keep going.

Please know you are heard and supported here. And please feel free to ignore any and all of the above. Bottom line.... sending you a hug and the beverage of your choice tonight! Hang in there!

This is normal.

This is something that you have to really work hard to not let happen.

Grieve the loss of the relationship, and your H just like you would had he died.

But like that you have to limit the times you allow yourself to breakdown, and let it out. Especially since you have your son who wants to help and protect you. That's not his job.

You can and will make it through this, and you will be smarter, stronger, wiser, and more awesome than before.

Hang in there. Do some positive self talk today.

Then do something nice for yourself.

(((and strength)))

I stay mad!! That is why I don't understand still missing him. I do not understand this at all! I spend half of my shower crying, my son hasn't seen me cry in a long time. He doesn't need to see that anymore. He has already seen too much.

It's normal. It's ok. The less you interact with him the better you will be. I don't know if you ever did any work other than that let down of the first Alanon meeting but you could use some more of it.

As you learn to understand and learn coping skills it will become easier.

Yes, grief is normal and can be good therapy because you get it out there and deal with it. It's ok to cry and be sad, but remember to make your choices with your head and not consumed by grief just to make sure you are ok. :)

I can't remember which thread I mentioned this about NarAnon or AlAnon meetings but I found it to be a good place to cry or vent. I felt very safe from judgment and also didn't have to do it alone. I met some amazingly strong people in that group. I too would hide my sadness from my kids. But after awhile I realized that isolating myself wasn't good either. Don't get me wrong, SI is a wonderful place but without some IRL support too, you can isolate yourself into depression quickly. I say this because I am very introverted and an only child so often I prefer to be alone to cope. But I realize sometimes I really do need to get out around people. A group meeting was waaay out of my comfort zone at the time. But when you're dealing with addicts or alcoholics, honestly, the people in those meetings are really the few people who truly get what it's like.

I'm wondering if fueling some of your anger into making your house feel like YOURS might help. As in repainting, rearranging furniture, whatever YOU like might help. I know from experience, my house made me trigger a lot early on. Too many memories, good and bad. Doing the above kinda helped me with that.

Another holiday weekend/1st in the books. I spent a lot of time with my son this weekend and some just me time. I actually got my hair cut and colored. The cut was something my H was totally against so I just never did it. It was really liberating to see the hair on the floor.

I finally took all of the wedding and family pictures down. I only left one of my H and son, only because my son asked me to. I plan on putting it in his room but a little at a time. It was very emotional to take down the final pictures. But I survived it.

I am realizing that my house is a huge trigger. Everything is just as it was when he walked out. So I am taking the steps to change that. Paint is next! I haven't painted in awhile so I didn't realize the cost of paint! Wow! Anyway, I am slowly making my house mine and I am slowly getting ME back. It hurts like hell. But I have no other choice. This is my new reality.

Yay, BBM! Glad to hear you do something nice for yourself :-) I think you are way stronger than you think you are.

P.S.- If you have a Lowe's up your way, their Valspar Ultra paint & primer in one is great. I painted my kitchen, living room, and a small hallway with 1/2 a gallon Think I got it for about $20.

Check your local Craigslist for paint. I have found great deals ($5-$10 per gallon) Then you can take it and have it tinted to the color you want.

Surprise, surprise. I am feeling okay today. Guess who calls? Does he have some kind of radar? Does he know when I am okay? Was it Tuesday last week when he called?

I didn't give him much of a chance to talk. He asked if he could come get his stuff tomorrow. I said yes and it will be on the sidewalk at 530. And I hung up. I started shaking and my heart started pounding as soon as I heard his voice. Why?!? Why can he do this to me? I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this! My son heard my end of the conversation so he knew it was his dad. He asked why he didn't get to talk to him. Because the bastard doesn't give a shit about him! Only the worthless junk that is here. Then he wanted to know if he could see him tomorrow. How do I handle that? I know he will just lie to him. So either way, my son gets hurt, AGAIN!!

I want him to get his useless shit so he doesn't have that as an excuse to contact me. But I know then is when he will start using my son. He hasn't seen him in almost 4 months and hasn't really tried either. Hell, he hasn't even tried to call him much less see him!! I am just so tired of this nonsense.

Oh but on a brighter note....my bil just happens to wear the same size jeans as LCB....so yep, you guessed it. I gave him ALL of his jeans. Just wait until he realizes THAT!! I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME SMILE!!! Life is a bitch and so are women scorned....

Surprise, surprise. I am feeling okay today. Guess who calls? Does he have some kind of radar? Does he know when I am okay? Was it Tuesday last week when he called?

I didn't give him much of a chance to talk. He asked if he could come get his stuff tomorrow. I said yes and it will be on the sidewalk at 530. And I hung up. I started shaking and my heart started pounding as soon as I heard his voice. Why?!? Why can he do this to me? I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this! My son heard my end of the conversation so he knew it was his dad. He asked why he didn't get to talk to him. Because the bastard doesn't give a shit about him! Only the worthless junk that is here. Then he wanted to know if he could see him tomorrow. How do I handle that? I know he will just lie to him. So either way, my son gets hurt, AGAIN!!

I want him to get his useless shit so he doesn't have that as an excuse to contact me. But I know then is when he will start using my son. He hasn't seen him in almost 4 months and hasn't really tried either. Hell, he hasn't even tried to call him much less see him!! I am just so tired of this nonsense.

Oh but on a brighter note....my bil just happens to wear the same size jeans as LCB....so yep, you guessed it. I gave him ALL of his jeans. Just wait until he realizes THAT!! I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME SMILE!!! Life is a bitch and so are women scorned....

He probably won't show up AGAIN. How many times will this be now?

You need to take control of this situation and his precious (worthless) shit.

Pick the day that your trash is picked up. Call him and tell him to come and get his crap on THAT day. Make sure you tell him to be there BEFORE the trash truck or it's going to be picked up by them & gone.

If he shows up & gets it, fine. If not, it goes to the dump. Either way, you're done.

I was just about to post the exact thing that Sadtoo did.

Take control. That will alleviate some of the anxiety you have when he calls out of the blue, because you don't have the ability to psych yourself up.

You got this and you know you are right. So no need to listen to ANY of his BS. Call him and say "You will have one last opportunity to collect your belongings which are at this residence. Please be here by Noon on X date. If you do not collect them by that time, they will be disposed of as I assume you do not want them.

Do NOT give him the chance to respond, just hang up. Then you have control, he hasn't attempted to manipulate you, and you will have an end date of his idiotic out of the blue bullshit calls.

Oh and the Valspar is great. We used it to repaint many rooms in our home. Lowes often has a coupon available that if you spend $50.00 you get $10.00 off too. So look for that.

Start making your home your place. Rearrange furniture. Change it up. Get some new Deco from Good Will/Salvation Army or any other second hand stores around. It's amazing what cool stuff you can get at Garage sale prices.

(((and strength))))

I'm not as experienced as most of the others but wanted to add another option.

While he deserves to have his stuff thrown out... he has been playing this "game" of not showing for so long. He and other woman both have a messed up sense of revenge -- Throwing his stuff out might land you in a boat load of drama.

But... having him call and not show, having to carry his stuff in and out, and the worry that he might show... is a great deal of drama of it's own.

You have said that you drive by his fathers car shop daily. You might want to consider dropping his stuff off just to be rid of it - he will have no reason to call or stop by.

BBM-you are doing great! Im in total agreement with everyone else about his precious "things". You having his junk gives him an "in," a reason to communicate. Cut it off right now. Just as others said if he doesnt come tomorrow at 5 to get his things tell him they will be left out for the trash man to collect if he doesnt come to get it. Also another idea is having someone come pickup his shit and dumping it at his whores house.

Are you getting closer to being able to file? I think getting that hammered out will be a huge relief to you.

I am so sorry your sweet son is hurting. Your WH simply doesnt care about the pain he causes that child. Is he in counseling? I think counseling through school would help. He needs someplace to talk about his feelings and sometimes it is hard to do that with family and having that outside person is helpful. Sadly, it is far to complex for a child to understand but his father is like poison for him at this time. Your son will only be further hurt by communication with your WH. Just keep loving him and supporting him and doing the best you can to protect him.

We are so proud of you BBM, youve come so far and have gotten so strong.

I have thought about taking his things to the shop. I don't care if his old clothes or even family pictures get ruined. But I hate for his grandpa's things to get ruined. Those things are not replaceable and have sentimental value but that is all. My cousin did have a good point, I may think that all of this stuff is worthless (and it is) but to him, it is all he has left. He has thrown everything else away. I think he will show up today. I don't know, he has done this so much. BUT this time, I will NOT be taking it back in. If he doesn't show, not my problem. It will sit out there until he does or someone takes it. Enough is enough.

I worked out a plan with my aunt so that my son will not be home. She hurt her back so he is going to go "help" her after school and she is going to pay him. That way it doesn't look like I don't want him seeing his Dad, which I DON'T! But this way, I don't look like the bad guy. It was his decision to go.

I am not even going to go outside IF he does show. I don't even know if I will have my car there or not. I have a friend that is going to be there with me for moral support. I hope he does show and we can get this part over.

Another good place to find paint is to see if Habitat for Humanity has a ReStore in your area. Or depending on how much you need (always prime--primer is expensive but worth it, even if you can only do one room a month!!!) check with the Lowes or Home Depot--they usually have a gallons of something that didn't get picked up or got mixed wrong in carts by the paint dept.

Sounds like things are getting just a little bit better (I'm not on much lately) and I am soooo proud of you. I know it's been hard but you know that everyone here is pulling for you!

The Lowes and Home Depot (don't use a debit card though ) usually do have a shelf by their mixers that has off tint, mistinted paints and they are cheap. I have bought and used to pain my hive boxes. gotten as little as a pint for $2.50, and as much as a gallon for $11.00.

He did show up. He didn't even come in the yard, just got his things and left. I stayed inside with a friend. He did have an ankle monitor on, I was kind of unsure if that was the truth or not. After looking at the inmate search, it says he is living in a community support center. Guess his whore's legal trouble caught up and he can't live with her anymore. It was very hard for me and I cried most of the evening. My home phone rang 3 times and it wasn't any of my family. I am sure it was him. I finally took the phone off the hook.

And it only got worse. He reactivated his Facebook account and of course I had several people texting to tell me what he was posting. First, he put "to be continued" who knows what that meant. But then the bullshit with his whore started. She posted "I LOVE YOU" and he posted back how much he loved her and how he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone. Well I am the only other person he has ever loved so that was obviously for my benefit. Then he posted to a mutual acquaintance that he would like to file for divorce but I can't afford to pay my half! Really? I have asked him numerous times for half and then we could file. And HE never has it and usually makes some kind of snide remark. So even though I deactivated MY Facebook, I still have to hear. OH and at first he had his relationship status as separated but now he is in a relationship with his whore. I told everyone that I do NOT want to hear it. It is only hurting me worse. I have cried nonstop AGAIN.

When does the pain end? Why does he purposefully have to hurt me? He KNEW that someone would tell me what he is posting. How can he have no conscience and not care about anything? How can he be so proud of the fact that he is cheating on his wife, walked away from his son and is hurting us?!? It is like he is bragging! He has destroyed the 2 people that loved him more than anything and DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN!!! What happened to the man I married and fell in love with? That man would have NEVER wanted to hurt me and sure wouldn't have wanted to hurt his son! I am so hurt. It is like day #1 all over again.