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Be very careful that you don't let his past influence your decision to R or not. His past is his past and he needs to deal with that. They are master manipulators and are skilled at playing the victim. Of course, you can be supportive of his efforts to to reconcile his past but, know up front, you can't control how that goes.

In the early stages of discovery, waywards will use whatever they can to play on the sympathies of the BS. I have great empathy for what my SAWH has endured but, I can't be the one to get him thru this. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't fix it, to think otherwise is insanity and will kill your soul.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 9:22 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Gotcha,

Outtanowhere makes an excellent point. I'm going to go a step further with this on the manipulation issue.

Cheaters lie and they are known to be manipulative. However, if your WS is SA, he will lie and he WILL try to manipulate you. Beware the pity play. You are the injured party - not him. Do not forget that for one minute. You are the victim here.

It is good that you are seeking out a CSAT for evaluation. You'll be in a better position then to think about the future and what you want to do.

Big hugs,

Somer

Gotcha,

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I have a baby with a SAWH and it's hell living separately and being a single mom when this was never my plan. I want to be blunt with you: When a man who has already been busted having sex with prostitutes tells you that he is "messed up beyond anything you can imagine", you need to believe him. First, you need to get a full panel STD with every single thing you can think of. Make sure your skeptical OB knows you have been unknowingly have unprotected sex with a high risk partner and you need complete assurance.

Beyond that, what could be more messed up than what you know now?

Honestly, there's probably a higher body count. He could have had sexual contact with men or transgender people. It could involve violence or force or coercsion. Could involve children or animals. It could involve something public. It could be ANYTHING.

Please understand that I am not trying to scare you but your husband is telling you that his behavior is out of control and disgusting. Believe him, even if you don't know the details. I know the path because I've walked it. I downplayed all that could be wrong--and I regret it to this very day, this very hour.

I'm not going to tell you to divorce or run or anything. But try to start detaching. Reading about SA and get yourself into a COSA meeting, even if it is just online or by phone.

Take care of yourself and keep posting. I know how hard this can be. *hugs*

It's amazing how many waywards tell their BS's they were molested as a child..right after dday.

And, sometimes it's even true.

But that isn't an excuse..it's an other problem he needs to face and deal with.

A few things to clarify...

My husband did not tell me he was molested after Dday. As a matter of fact, he hasn't told me the extent of his molestation.

His comment was made in passing more than a month ago (pre Dday). I just know who it was and when he was younger. I don't know how much or for how long. It seems to be a topic that he is embarrassed by and not comfortable with discussing.

So I don't believe he is using it as an excuse, as it was never a topic brought up by him after I found out about is indiscretions. I think in my coming to the realization that he may be a SA and the magnitude of the situation, I find myself not only blaming him but blaming his family as well. (Don't get me wrong, he gets 95% of the blame, but I hate them more than I did before)

I really feel as if he's not making excuses, but as I pry more because I feel the need and want to know ALL of it, he's slowly divulging little tidbits of information, which I have then brought here.

We haven't talked much since Tuesday. My husband works 8 AM to 9:30ish PM. Now THAT he uses to manipulate and try to control the situation constantly. He will be calling the CSAT today to make an appointment.

Determinata,

I really fear finding out that he's slept with men. Since the person that molested him was male, I can't really stop thinking about the correlation. I've always had this fear in the back of my mind. My intuition is usually correct, but it's not really something I will be able to handle.

Honey, being married to an SA, I feel like I can figuratively smell his addiction--even from this distance. And while I can neither diagnose him nor tell you what to do, I can tell you that if I had found out about my SLAWH's issues in the first year of M, I'd be gone.

Please know that's not coming from a place of bitterness. I adore my WH, and, as much as it's possible for an SA to really love, he adores me. But he didn't act out--beyond porn and poor boundaries and excessive masturbation and objectifying women--until 20+ years into our M. All those, in my naïveté, I chalked up to a charming, brilliant man being a man (and a military man at that). Had I really known then what I know now . . .

My children are the real losers here. So, so sad that I chose this man to be their father. Genetically, they hit the jackpot (aside from the blasted "addict" gene), but father-wise? Nope. They are losers in that department. Addicts are selfish, manipulating liars--not great foundational characteristics for fatherhood.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 8:59 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

My husband is rarely with our son alone, but I believe he is the best father he can be. He is a great dad. I think his detriment as a father is that he is not a good husband. He wants to be, but he simply isn't. Not right now at least.

As I'm reading the Sex Addicts thread in I can relate. I can relate to the idea that he has these two separate lives compartmentalized.

He so wants to be normal and have a perfect family that he never had growing up. However at the same time, he struggles with the coping mechanisms he's developed (drinking and sex). He's said he has no control when he drinks. However, I felt that was an excuse so I called him out on it.

We're the front, hiding all the fucked up shit he's doing in the background. He loves going to church, and is the main reason we go every Sunday (at his urging!), he is going through the process now of becoming Catholic (was raised Baptist).

I'm going to give myself time to make a decision. Right now I am not very optimistic about our future. I don't want to admit defeat though. I guess my pride is preventing me. I just got married, how embarrassing.

This is not your shame gotcha! I feel my marriage was a sham too. He never told me about any of this while we were dating so I kinda feel like I married under false pretenses.

Yep, I was his front for 37 years. We held hands in church every Sunday but, when church was over he would leave for hours on his own never telling me where he was going. My mind goes crazy with that sometimes.

I believe anyone can change if they are determined enough to walk the straight and narrow with the rest of us. My SAWH has always been a huge risk taker and has never played by the rules so even tho he is really, really trying, many times his effed up self shows thru and, every time I feel like a dagger is planted thru my heart. I hate that addict in him but, it's always going to be there. He will have to face down his demons the rest of his life and, until he gets a little more solid in his recovery, I have distanced myself from him.

I'm glad you are taking the time to educate yourself about SA. It has so many twists and turns and can be emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausting.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 9:50 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Last week my husband and I were talking about how blessed we felt we were. How did we get here? How did we get so lucky?

We are young, have a beautiful child, he makes more money than anyone we know our age so he's very successful, recently moved and absolutely love everything about our new life in our new town.

I'm inherently waiting for something bad to happen, as I believe life is a rollercoaster. The good only lasts for so long before it comes crashing down. Part of me is grateful it came out this early. I would be devastated beyond moving past it if he were able to keep a lie like this going on for decades.

Becoming overwhelmed with trying to find a therapist and the more that I read online.

There are so many conflicting articles/posts. I found this site that says sex addiction is made up and no one says otherwise because they are making money from it. It makes the argument that CSATs are basically stupid and just profiting from it when it's not a real addiction, just a result of personality disorder.

My H made an appointment at a therapist today, but one that does not specialize in sex addictions. The one I suggested is not in the office until a week from now. He was busy at work so we will discuss more this evening.

But as I'm doing my research, I don't even know what type of therapist/psychiatrist even to consider now. We did go to a marriage counselor 2 months ago (prior to DD and just as "maintenance" really... he was having some anger issues). She didn't really work out for us, wasn't a good fit.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Gotcha, I didn't mean to imply that my SAWH is a bad father who sexually abuses his children. He is simply an addict; not a deviant. What I meant is that addicts are inherently selfish and manipulative, emotionally stifled people for whom children are yet another burden or challenge that will demand yet more numbing by their drug of choice. Does that make sense? At the same time, yes, I do believe people can change. I just know that SAs have been in this ballgame a long, long time and their habits are extensive and entrenched. Whatever choice you make, we will support you. Better, we will understand. As much as I've studied it, I still don't really "get" addiction. But I "get" love. Hugs.

Go to the "Spouses of Sex Addicts" thread and ask ScaredyKat or HathNoFury your questions. They're, unfortunately, experts on sex addiction. It's real. I knew it the moment I heard it. So did my SLAWH.

The first therapist he went to (before we had the diagnosis) said that if he didn't get enough sex from me, he should divorce me. We'd been married 15 years, had 4 kids, and still had sex multiple times weekly--I just didn't have the energy to be a sex kitten or to fight for an O each time. And those real life situations never happen in porn, so, comparatively, I was obviously frigid. Luckily, my WH felt uncomfortable with that advice, so he sought out another who, as an addict herself, recognized from the first meeting that he had "issues out the wazoo" and was an addict.

On the first page of the "Spouses of Sex Addicts" thread, you'll see a list of books to read. THOSE are a great start. As for my WH and addiction, well, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, I'm calling it a duck. Treating it like a snail or a hippo or an ostrich isn't helpful and may actually be harmful.

CSATs are the best, period, kind of counselors for SAs overall. That said, our insurance doesn't offer them. But my WH does see an addiction specialist. That helps. And the company that manages our overall health sent him to that specialist as the best they had and the best chance he had to get the help he needed.

Good luck!

You will see many opinions on the Internet. I have had some deep conflicts about the addiction part because, I believe strongly that moral beliefs and character guide your behavior so this was a bitter pill for me to swallow. Regardless of what the name of it is, it is real nonetheless.

It means to me that my SAWH has been seriously lacking in both areas as well as being very, very broken. Call it what you will, it is a very painful and rocky road to sobriety/recovery for both partners. I lived on the edge everyday fearful that I would do something to piss him off and he would retaliate by finding a hooker to help him feel better since that was his pattern.

Your H needs to be brutally honest with you regarding his feelings but, sadly, this is something they truly struggle with so, it's a battle. I was advised early on here to see a CSAT. Besides being a scarce commodity where I live, I could afford the rates so, I settled for a run of the mill therapist. Knowing what I know now, I wish I had robbed a bank to go.

The counselor we have both seen for IC and MC is ok but, is not very wise to the cunning nature of SA which has led to less than good results. It has been one of the most defeating processes I've ever gone thru. Ideally you should be seeing a CSAT as well because, this is a trauma and you are going to need help to process it.

It's easy to get overwhelmed but, try to listen to what we are saying. I wish I had paid more attention when everyone tried to tell me.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 3:02 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

The first therapist he went to (before we had the diagnosis) said that if he didn't get enough sex from me, he should divorce me. We'd been married 15 years, had 4 kids, and still had sex multiple times weekly--I just didn't have the energy to be a sex kitten or to fight for an O each time. And those real life situations never happen in porn, so, comparatively, I was obviously frigid. Luckily, my WH felt uncomfortable with that advice, so he sought out another who, as an addict herself, recognized from the first meeting that he had "issues out the wazoo" and was an addict.

I can relate to this. I feel like throughout our relationship, he's complained about our sex life. But comparing myself to my friends, we usually had sex more than they did. With a baby and long hours, we usually only have sex on Sundays. It is "maintenance" sex for the most part. I'm not, however, depriving him of sex for months or years though.

He is usually the one too tired from having worked all day and isn't interested during the workdays.

I've always felt he had an unreasonable expectation of what a sex life is for a couple who have been together past the "in love" phase.

SA is a process addiction. There is no substance involved, but acting out sexually gives the addict a high. Over time, it progresses. Some experts tend to disagree about this addiction, but SA does exist.

As others have suggested, the things you have posted about his behavior have given cause for concern with respect to possible SA. I do feel it would be very prudent to have him undergo evaluation with a CSAT, so that you know if that is causing the problem and if it is SA, what can be done in terms of treatment. This is especially true if you want to explore the possibility of attempting to R.

Stay strong - I know how hard this is. Big hugs and keep posting.

Hi everyone,

H and I were able to talk a little bit. After thinking about everything over and over again all day long, I find myself really tired and uninterested in having a serious and long conversation by the time he rolls in around 930ish. He is usually very tired as well.

I asked him why he thought he was a sex addict and he couldn't really explain to me why. He said that he is still learning about himself and trying to process everything that has gone on as well and figure himself out.

He did say that part of him feels it is a combination of a few things: he feels he works so hard and he basically deserves it, and then he doesn't have self control.

He's still not being truthful with me about the whole story and is still sticking to the "only 2" strippers number. I won't be able to move forward until I feel like he's divulged the whole truth because then I will feel like he will be working on earning my trust by coming clean.

But even if he does come forward with more info, will I feel that it's the whole story then? Such a conundrum.

I'm tired... want this to be over.

Thanks for the support.

Do the polygraph. Insist on it! I promise, that gnawing feeling never goes away and it erodes any and all efforts to restore trust since you know there is more. There's always more. My H admitted to exactly what I had proof of. One hooker...twice.

Turns out, the last time we talked about it, he admits to 9 women for full on sex but, it had been going on for over 10 years so, remember every hand/blow job was next to impossible. I know there is more but, we are at an impasse and I really don't care anymore. That being said, I'm not pursuing R anymore either.

Don't pass go, don't try to stuff it down and swallow something that is clearly not what you want. You get to call the shots. If you don't get what you want now, you get to decide if you have enough to continue staying in the relationship.

I think I will once we start going to therapy. I need to have the therapist's support on that one, as I think he will push back on it and think it's ridiculous.

I feel like when I talk to him, I have the problem of minimizing it in my mind. Am I the one that's making the problem worse in my mind? Making it more than it really is?

From what I've read, sex addiction is progressive. Now looking back, I can clearly see the progression through our relationship. Most of our relationship we were poor college kids. I really and truly couldn't see him having the resources to pay for strippers (not to mention, he hadn't really frequented strip clubs until he became successful). However, going out with friends and being in a fraternity gave him ample opportunities for sex.

I also realize that I enable him in several different ways. Most of it was because I thought it was a dude thing, guys do this stuff. Now that I know better, I'm not going to. But even when my guy friends were saying "yeah, web cams are not normal. he needs to stop that," I gave in and turned a blind eye when he pushed back and stood his ground. He was spending up to 500 a month in the early cam days.

Since I didn't put my foot down early, he progressed and now we are here. Some revelations this week.

Hope you all have a great weekend :)

I found out when our second baby was 4 months old...

Read my tag line.

"He's going to cheat again. But not on me."

I'm sorry sweetie. It's going to be a long, hard journey of what type of treament you are going to accept by him. xx

My ex progressed as aswell. He had a lot of female friends when we first dated and manipulated me as being overly jealous. I told him it wasn't normal for him to tickle our female friends. It just escalated from there on out. He didn't even know he would be doing the things he had done in those 3 years of his physical affairs.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:36 PM, August 1st (Friday)]

Gotcha,

I'm not so sure that you are minimizing this, but I am getting the impression that he would like it very much if you swept this under the rug.

Be careful, because he is probably going to try to talk you into doing just that. My ex kept proclaiming that he only had ONE bad night - that's all. In spite of all of the evidence to the contrary!!

You deserve to know the truth. This is your life, too, and it is your future.

Try to have a good weekend and stay strong!