SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone.

Posting from a hotel rm. I found the phone records and Wow! Hundreds possibly (I gave up halfway thru bc it was enough) numbers texted and called in the wee hours of the night while I'm asleep. At least 20 prostitutes. I'm guessing. He won't gig me an exact number. Probably doesn't even know but estimates 1400 in 6 months spent. I couldn't find any on goings before 6 months on the call logs.

He says he will do anything to gain my trust and part of him is happy I found out.

Having trouble sleeping.

Gotcha,

I am so very sorry. You had a very strong feeling there was way more that he hadn't told you, and I know that it is not comforting to know you were right.

Why are you in the hotel? Am assuming you have the baby with you? He should be the one sleeping in a hotel - not you!

Hope you can manage to get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day and you have a lot to think about.

(((Gotcha)))

I wanted to go to a hotel myself. He has already volunteered to move out and let me live in the house to prove he is dedicated to fixing things.

The thought that some of these strippers were coming to our house (is that how it goes? Idk how these things work and H refused to tell me by asking me why I need to know those things-- his opinion is to just sweep the things not said under the rug to move forward and it's not productive to fixing things. I disagreed.) was grossing me out so my son and I treated ourselves to a night in a nice hotel.

He came by this morning to get the baby from me and they went to church. He asked me repeatedly to go but I said no... Don't want to give him any semblance of normalcy. So I'm going to take a little nap before checking out. Then maybe go to the gym. I've been slacking this week. Running usually helps me clear my head so it could be good.

Still don't have the answers and don't know exactly what I'm going to do. I have family coming in on Thursday for the weekend for our sons baptism. We have been putting it off for a while with the move so I'm not going to do anything in the meantime because that is priority to me. I'm looking forward to having a great time with my family in town.

I'm contacting an attorney Monday morning.

Hi Gotcha,

Did he really have these people in your home? And yes, you really do need to know this so that you can take steps to protect yourself and your baby.

If he has had even one in your home, I would personally be postponing the baptism and instead, would be making it a priority to protect yourself and your baby. I would also not be putting the lives of my unknowing family members at risk by having them stay in your home.

Why? If he has had even one of these people in your home, that takes this to an entirely different realm. That takes it from "anonymous" to "familiar". They know where you live. They know who he is. These are not good people. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

They are often desperate for money and will do anything to get it. Some are addicted to drugs and some have pimps and/or jealous boyfriends. Some have been incarcerated. They commit crimes.

I really don't think you are taking the danger you and your baby are in seriously enough. I don't know your WS, but from what you are posting about him and his activities, he is out of control, and you have a lot to be worried about.

Wow, I'm so sorry that he did that to your life. It is sickening and shocking and hurtful and gross and not something you prepare for. It'll knock you on your ass. From this moment forward, it is all about you and your kids. He failed at his job to honor and protect you. Show him that you can do it for yourself. You get to the gym and revel in how you care for yourself and love yourself. Let him fend for himself. It's difficult, but you need to drop him like a hot rock. By that I mean, do not consider his feelings or needs before your own. And that is hard to do b/c as a spouse, you have happily and naturally done this for the whole of your relationship. You are not the source of his very big problem, and you will not be his answer or his fix. I will look for your posts and wish the best for you.

Update:

Yesterday we sat down and he came clean on everything I wanted to know.

I believe him and know he wasn't holding back or lying. He said, "Ask me anything and I'll answer it." and then he didn't hold back. He also volunteered up information since after a few questions I was a little out of sorts.

I asked him how it worked, how many times, when it started, even asked him about previous indiscretions prior to marriage that he had always denied. He confirmed things.

His timeline of when he started doing it is backed up by the thousands of phone records I poured over on Saturday. I ran out of higlighter, highlighting things for my attorney and my records.

He said that either we can work on things and stay together or I can divorce him, and he will give me anything and everything I want. He said it's up to me and he would not blame me one bit for divorcing him.

In an odd way, I feel a lot better since yesterday. I'm still upset by what he's done, but I feel like we can move forward since I feel he has finally been honest with me and isn't lying to me.... for now.

No one here is going to blame you for wanting to try to R. I get the feel that you are seeing the gravity of the situation so, I think you know upfront that you will do battle on many fronts for some time come.

Don't put up with any self pitying, poor me, look at my childhood BS. That is on it's face self defeating talk unfortunately, it has been a refined coping skill that up til now got them thru. Things have been done his way for far too long. It's time to make some drastic changes and insist that he get on board or get out.

Hugs to you gotcha

Going through trying to R with my SAWH. He has been caught several times, feel free to read my profile story. Sounds to me like he cannot control these urges and will not do what it takes to take the steps in changing this behavior. Please see the section in the "I Can Relate" part of the forum under Spouses/partners of sex addicts. SA Is not an excuse for the behavior. It is a way to identify deviant sexual behavior and adress how to recover and continue recovering in hopes for healthy functioning in the SA's life first, and in relationships. Look into SAA.org. realize though, if he is diagnosed, through a CSAT, it is up to HIM to take the steps necessary on this difficult journey. There are support groups for spouses as well. MC is not recommended with an SA until they are well into their own program. Best of luck to you. This sordid tale is not for the faint of heart and none of us deserve it!!

Also note, he will need this treatment whether you stay married or not. Since you have a child together, it would be very important for him to get proper treatment.

Thanks strengthandhope..

He has an appointment with a CSAT on Wednesday. I have an appointment with another CSAT next Monday. I'm looking forward to it because we talked on the phone for at least 15 minutes and she was more than happy to answer the millions of questions I had about the process. I think it'll be a good match for me.

I think I'll have a hard time "trusting the process." My H knows what's on the line though and says he'll "do whatever it takes."

Saying and doing are 2 completely different things though.

I feel like when I talk to him, I have the problem of minimizing it in my mind. Am I the one that's making the problem worse in my mind? Making it more than it really is?

Wow. You have had an education in sex addiction in a very short time. It is great that you are both seeing your own CSAT. IMHO, they are the professionals best able to help heal someone who has been traumatized.

Here are my two cents. Don't ever let him use anything as an excuse. There may be many reasons for him acting like an entitled idiot, including a history of CSA and addiction, but at no time does that absolve him of responsibility for his actions.

You are minimizing because this IS traumatic and it takes a lot to process it all. It's self preservation. Please don't. What he is doing is WRONG and NOT NORMAL. We spouses become so accustomed to abnormal and sub par treatment that we do ourselves a huge disservice. WE ARE THE PRIZE! Not the addict. Takes awhile for that to sink in.

Feel free to read my profile, PM me. Stay strong, post here. Find an SANON or cosa group for RL. I wouldn't have made it through my first year without my SANON sisters.

Finally, there is no law that says you must stay in a marriage with an addict. Don't fall for the sickness and health line. This goes above and beyond that whole promise.

Hugs to you.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 3:41 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Hi everyone,

Just an update. Yesterday was terrible and very traumatic.

I'm having a hard time dealing with my husband's ups and downs. He has always had these swinging moods (and is on cymbalta... but sometimes in extreme situations as this, it just doesn't do the trick 100%).

He starts of SUPER happy.. yay! I'm so excited it's our day off let's go have fun! I, of course, being of sane sound and mind, am still a ball of mood and depression due to my husband constantly cheating on me.

Him: "You need to get over it." "Okay fine, this isn't working let's get a divorce." "Maybe I did all this because my wife refuses to have a meaningful relationship with me!!!" (classic)

Then of course he turns it into me being delusional. I try to stand my ground (because I know in my head that he is the wrong one and he is trying to brainwash me into having some responsibility here) and he of course then flips out.

He's trying to bulldoze me into sweeping things under the rug. This is classic in our relationship. We have a problem (usually his wrongdoing), I TRY to stand my grown, but eventually give in because the chaos from doing so is more than I can personally handle.

So he pushes me beyond my point and then I'm a ball of emotion and sobbing uncontrollable. I'm inconsolable. He lets me sob for an hour, then he comes in an apologizes and says he doesn't want this to happen blah blah... then happy husband is back. Only happy wife doesn't exist. So after a couple hours the cycle starts again.

Needless to say I pushed my CSAT appointment up to today. I'm starting to see that his cycle is "say what I think she wants to hear, do about 30% of it, then when she bitches break her down, then when she's vulnerable promise her the world"

He's offered a few times to move out and I think I will take him up on it. It was probably an empty promise though. He will probably flip out once I ask him to move out.

Andddddd he just cancelled his appointment.

Says he doesn't need therapy bc he knows what he needs to do.

Says if anything we need couples counseling.

He is in such a level of delusion that it's starting to make me second guess myself.

He's afraid of what he will learn in therapy--and what you will learn about him. Insistence on MC only is a method of blame shifting. IMO, it's dangerous to enter MC with a spouse who is not consistently remorseful. Sure, a remorseful spouse can misstep--that's the guy you want in MC: the guy who's healthy enough himself to carefully work toward a safer marriage for you both. Not a guy still running from himself.

Your husband is still running.

Having been in your shoes and having been subjected to a years-long false R, I'd do it very differently. I'd immediately separate. I'd get professional help doing some forensic accounting. (Six months =/= around $1400, I'd bet; that's the tip of the iceberg, and while it IS possible to move ahead constructively, it is not possible as long as there are lies and secrets.) Truth is necessary to R. Information is critical if you do not.

And I'd require some very specific things, therapy and recovery-wise before I'd consider R. I'd include not only evaluation by a CSAT, but also by a psychiatrist very experienced with personality disorder. (For me, the fact that certain disorders preclude empathy and remorse was pivotal in post dday decision-making.)

Remorse is absent. Empathy is absent. They may return--but right now, your husband is not only too sick to contribute to R, to your healing, but is continuing to hurt you in the name of self-preservation.

As unfair as it is, healing is your responsibility. Some of us are lucky and have spouses who can and do move heaven and earth to help us. But others of us never have that.

Know what? We still heal. We heal beautifully. Once we accept that we are only responsible for our OWN feelings, thoughts, and actions, we are freed. We can surrender all that we cannot control. We can nurture ourselves.

We can't do that while being continually broken down. We can't do that while futilely working to manage someone else's thoughts, feelings, or actions. So surrender what you can't control. Relieve yourself of that back-breaking burden. Carry only your own.

Should your broken partner glue himself together sufficiently to contribute positively to life, he can be invited back in. You have had many choices taken from you. That may well happen--but his recovery is 100% out of your control.

But you have the ultimate control over YOU. It makes you far more powerful than you know.

You're going to get through this-you really are. Surrender what you cannot control. Focus on what you can. Your power has NOT been robbed. You can do this, can live the life you want and deserve. It might not look like you once imagined--but it will be wonderful.

Gotcha,

I've been very concerned reading about the things he has done and his reactions to this whole thing. I've been there, unfortunately, I have lived it. It is a nightmare.

Solus is right in everything she stated. Excellent advice. And she is also correct in that we DO heal. That has to be your primary goal.

You have no control over what he does. If he can't actively participate in the healing process, I don't think you have any choice but to let him go.

I'm so sorry!

(((Gotcha)))

Thanks solus and sumer.

I went to my first therapy session today. Made me realize what a gem SI is... she was very impressed with my knowledge of sex addiction!

I'm feeling better, having gone today, and I plan on going next Monday again.

As for my h, he rescheduled for next week. I doubt he will go though. Seems to be his pattern. He doesn't think he needs therapy afterall.

Solus, thank you, your post was so helpful. My therapist also agrees that I cannot control what he does anymore. I need to just focus on me and healing myself. So that's what I will do. I'm not quite sure how just yet, but we will work on that Monday.

I also contacted an attorney today, so that was a big step for me. Thanks everyone for the support. A doctor is the next step.

You are taking all the right steps. For you. What he chooses to do is up to him and what he does going forward will show you what you need to do (R or D).

Thanks somer.

I am exhausted from dealing with sane, so sorry H and I don't have a problem, I'm boss H... Depends on the time f day.

The book I started reading tonight said that if the addict refuses therapy and thinks they do not have a problem, then that person is still in active addiction and it is best not to live with them.

If he does not go to therapy next week, he will have to move out.

Gotcha,

I remember the exhaustion of trying to deal with my ex when this first happened. I made him leave the house on D day.

He was sending me emails from a new email address he'd set up, and he was begging me to allow him to come home to R, that he was going to SAA, that he was being faithful to me, that he loved me, etc. He was also coming to the house to plead with me. He was also trying to convince me that he'd only been with one stripper, one time. In spite of all of the evidence to the contrary and all of the missing money, he really wanted me to believe that.

Yet, I was torn but my "gut" was bothering me so one night I got very creative and I figured out the password to his new email address. I read dozens of emails from more women than I can remember now. He was hooking up with these women from the Internet and was having sex with all of them, several new women each week.

As you go through this, it will be very important for you to keep a very tight hold on your sense of logic. I say this because he may say and do things that make absolutely NO sense at all. The more you can detach, the better this will be for you. You will find the answers you need and know what path you need to take if you are able to detach as much as possible and observe his actions.

Keep posting - we are here to help you through this. SI is truly a gem.

(((Gotcha)))

As hard as it was to do at first, I separated from my WH for 3 months. It was tough for the first week. I felt lonely as well as gutted and completely broken-hearted. Before I was truly able to 'let go of what was out of my control', I thought by separating , I was making it easier for him to troll prostitute websites, etc. But.....I got my sanity back. His 'noise' and excuses and dodging responsibility made it nearly impossible for me to concentrate on ME. I would advise you to listen to your therapist and separate, even if only temporarily. It will give you time to get your feet back under you.