SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for all the replies. It is really a load to share this as I have no one else right now to talk with. I have many friends, but i'm not one to share my intimate details with anyone i know.

[This message edited by Luke at 6:59 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)]

Luke

You do not waste any money on MC or IC until you are sure the affair is stopped.better spent on PI for Friday.

She is contacting MC to buy herself time so she can continue the affair past Friday

DO NOT FALLFOR THIs TRICK.

You will be sorry if you do

Badhurt has some good advice for you. MC isn't an option unless you are going to include the OM. Remember, your WW already is.

My question is should i be looking for a MC for us, or IC for her for right now?

You shouldn't be the one looking in either case. She caused this. She needs to show some initiative and set this stuff up. You need to be implementing the 180 until you see remorse.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Strength brother

I agree, why MC or IC if she is still in the affair. The worst thing is for her to lie to the IC therapist which will cause even more problems.

After all of this, you start to wonder what is the big deal with Friday. If it was simply we can't talk anymore, do it today.

Friday seems like something interesting is and has been planned.

Luke, what type of place are they meeting on Friday?

Luke

Hi. Sorry you are here. I just wanted to recommend that you find a therapist for yourself. I have lost both of my parents and the pain from the affair was as bad. Why? Because unfortunately we all know there is a good chance your parents will die before you do. With an affair we are not expecting it. People say I was a fool for not knowing. No. You trusted your spouse. You thought they had your back.

Another thing about a therapist is that some will support you if you choose to stay together but some will not be supportive. I went to three therapists before I choose the one I stayed with.

I hope some of this info helps. Keep us posted.

Hey Luke,

So sorry you are in this position. My H swore on my life that he did not have sex with the slob.... of course it was a lie.

I also agree with others, do NOT do MC with this woman right now. She is still very much in the A, it would be better to throw stacks of money from your car window on the freeway.

Have you looked at the 180? It will help you to detach. Right now, you are living with the enemy. She needs to end the A like yesterday and leave her job. Have you considered talking to her supervisor about what has been going on? Shine the light on this ugliness, and take care.

E.

Craig2001 Friday was planned last week before i confronted her about everything. I had read about it in her texts with a recovery program. So, she's not waiting for then to talk with him. I know she didn't today but is scheduled for lunch with him tomorrow to discuss. And, i think a IM for me is a good idea. I've never been to one, but I probably need someone to talk with. I just feel really alone now but i need to move forward for me and my kids in case.

Luke

You told her NC, and she is not only ignoring you but going out to lunch with him. You are being played my man.

They are going to lunch to try to figure out how to go underground and continue.

The NC should be done in your presence on phone or ema

What is her excuse for not doing it today.

Tomorrow's lunch could very well turn into a fuck fest and how will you know .

If she has not told you about this lunch then she is still lying. If you know where it is show up and there is your proof she has no intention of stopping this.

You need to give her true shock and awe tonight and I bet if you grab her phone she will go crazy if she has not deleted stuff before she comes in door

You better act quick . Therapy is not gong to solve this any time soon

I know she didn't today but is scheduled for lunch with him tomorrow to discuss.

All of your wife's words are evasive.

First of all, what is their to discuss. Your wife acts like she is simply planning a dinner party, when obviously it is a hell of lot more serious.

She treats you like the brother-in-law that came to dinner.

And if she is discussing this tomorrow, why meet with him on Friday?

Far too many questions and her attitude about this is beyond disrespectful. She acts like she is doing nothing wrong at all.

If this continues, the affair needs to be exposed to everyone, she will then feel the complete seriousness of having an affair.

And where is this lunch tomorrow? Can you watch her?

Is it the same place as the Friday meeting.

I'm so sorry, Luke, that you're here with us. Unfortunately, the reason you're a member of our group is nightmarish; fortunately, the people you're with make it navigable.

Cheaters lie. I used to say that my SLAWH was too honest. There were times when a little white lie would've been the kosher thing, but he couldn't do that. So when I read his e-mails to a prostitute and realized the meet-up had taken place the day before (and then processed everything that had happened since), I was physically sick. I was so shocked, so stunned, I didn't even know what to do or say. We all get it; we've all been there.

When I confronted, he said he'd not gone through with it. He kept his story as close to the truth as possible, so it seemed plausible--especially knowing his penchant for honesty. He said he'd gone there, was disgusted by the smell of cigarette smoke and dog urine (not by what he was doing but by those things ), so left the money and the condoms there, but didn't have sex. I'd not found SI; I'd never known him to lie; he'd not been raised to ever cheat; we'd been together 21 years. The whole thing was inconceivable.

Two months later, though, when he chose to confess (to her, to an A, and to two additional escorts) all, I was still bowled over. He WAS disgusted by how she looked and smelled, yet he STILL had sex with her WITHOUT PROTECTION, then came home, invited me out to lunch after my part-time job was over, and washed his reeking-of-smoke clothes while he waited for me. WTH?????

Once they've given themselves the permission to cheat, they're all in. They can lie about anything. They can do things that "regular" people just can't conceive. It's almost like they believe themselves--or whatever justification they've concocted to make the infidelity permissible.

That's why our starting advice is usually not to believe a liar. Almost without exception, we've all been burned by that one.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 6:32 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

I didn't grab her phone, but i snuck into when she got home. I found she texted and called him througout the day. She doens't know i saw the texts. It was about planning to meet again in secret. BLah, blah. I want to pop right now. I asked her if she spoke with him today and she said nope. I'm very pissed. Then she fucking texts me that she misses me and wants to have sex tonite. She is on some power trip or something. Out of her mind.

I'm calling my attorney tomorrow. Should i consider tossing her out the house? I can't drag my kids down in this. I've lost 10 lbs in the past 8 days. I'm not eating, or sleeping. Well see if she wakes up after getting served and finding her shit in a suitcase! Sorry for language. It's either that or i put a hole through my wall.

You guys were right. Damn im a fool!

Hi Luke, I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I found out about my husband I kicked him out right away, so I understand your impulse. Could you kick her out? She would probably go to the guy? I wonder what the more experienced people here on this site are thinking about that. One thing I would do is I'd confront her about the text messages and her lying today. But only if the kids wouldn't have to go through a huge fight ... are they home? Also, I guess that you believe the others now that she probably had sex with the guy (how do you call a male slut?!) and I'd strongly recommend not putting a finger on her and accelerating a full panel STD test for you. And finally, yes, I think you should see a lawyer asap and discuss divorce and also child custody questions.You're not a fool, our cheating spouses are just conscious-less sociopaths who make us feel like fools :-(

Luke,

Now it’s of pan-importance to think CAREFULLY of each and every step you take.

Like throwing her out…

No. Don’t. You can ask her to leave, you can insist she sleeps in the spare room… but fact is the house is her legal residence and if you throw her out she can call the police and probably have YOU evicted for domestic abuse. So no – DO NOT throw her out.

I suggest the following:

Once she comes home then tell her that you KNOW she’s been in more contact with OM. Don’t have to prove anything, don’t have to let her know you have her texts… In fact if you feel you need to give a source then simply fabricate one like that you have inside info from the office.

But then tell her that she is totally free to see OM. She doesn’t have to hide it. She doesn’t have to sneak off. For all you care she can offer BJ’s to everyone at the local Marine barracks and run around naked in the rain… BUT NOT AS YOUR WIFE.

In choosing to remain in an affair with the OM. In not committing to total and utter NC with the OM unconditionally… she’s telling you that she chooses him over you. That she has chosen to not be your wife.

Once again: she is totally free to make that decision but that her decision to remain in infidelity is also a decision to not be your wife.

Then tell her that of the two options you are facing right now: the option of knowing that you are sharing your wife with another man or the option of having to end the marriage and thereby losing her as your wife… The latter is the lesser of two evils. That you will survive divorce, but you won’t survive sharing her with the OM.

Therefore you have decided that YOU are leaving infidelity. YOU are allowing her to do what she wants with her life but only without you. You tell her that the process of divorce is a long and technical one and that you will have an attorney handle it on your behalf.

If she wants to remain you wife there is a window of opportunity where you might be willing to try to R but it requires that she unconditionally accepts some conditions. Conditions that start with:

a) Total and accountable NC with OM.

b) Total commitment to reconciliation.

c) Total and utter transparency.

Once you have all this out in the open…

Walk away.

Don’t waste time arguing over blame. Don’t waste time arguing over divorce. IF she says that she had to have the affair because you were so inattentive… your reply: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I might not agree with what you say and IF we were reconciling then this would definitely be something we need to address in MC. But since you have decided to remain in infidelity then there really isn’t any need to do so now.”

If she talks about divorce: “I’m too emotionally attached to this marriage to go into details. I trust my attorney will see to it that it’s done fairly and in the correct way.”

And walk away. Tend to the kids, water the garden, and rearrange flowers… whatever. Just don’t engage in arguments with her.

Listen to bigger!

She is all wrapped up in her fantasy. Burst her bubble and walk away, if her OP is married expose the affair to his spouse. The only way to end an affair is truth, taking control and being able to walk away. Don't loose your emotions, cold calculated. Lay it out for her and expose the affair.

asked her if she spoke with him today and she said nope. I'm very pissed. Then she fucking texts me that she misses me and wants to have sex tonite.

You cannot believe how common that is, I think all WWs do that at some point. I don't know why, but it is very common.

Do you want to catch her meeting him?

Do you want to confront her with simple words like no need to treat me like crap and lie to me, I already know. If you do that, do not tell her how you know, it is time for her to start wondering.

Do you want to put a VAR in her car. You can learn a lot, if they talk in her car. But you will hear her talking on the phone.

Seeing your attorney is the best advice. Get informed as to your options and what is next. Knowledge is power.

Like others said, do not throw her out. Don't do anything that can look abusive at all.

Thanks for the responses. So putting all her stuff in a suitcase and dropping it off at her work not a great idea. I got it. Should i tell her i'm seeing an attorney about starting the divorce process?

No.

If you follow my “script” then you are telling her that you are leaving infidelity. That you have decided that losing her is the lesser of two evils. That she is free to carry on but not as your wife. All those terms imply that the marriage is over (unless she commits to the marriage) and a direct unavoidable consequence is divorce.

It’s a bit like if you told her that your leg is broken and you are going to have it set… you don’t have to add that you will have it done by a doctor. It’s implied in the action.

One thing: When you confront her then she has to be very very vocally clear if she commits to the marriage. It’s not “OK… I guess so…” or “maybe…”. It has to be “Luke. I want to save this marriage and I willingly commit to the conditions”. It has to be direct.

Agree with Bigger. Tell her nothing about a lawyer. One thing

One thing: When you confront her then she has to be very very vocally clear if she commits to the marriage. It’s not “OK… I guess so…” or “maybe…”. It has to be “Luke. I want to save this marriage and I willingly commit to the conditions”. It has to be direct.

Absolutely. However, don't assume she's telling the truth.

Confront her tonight but do not reveal your source.