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NEVER Reveal your source. I made the mistake. You will need to use it to moniter her in the future to confirm compliance.

Hang in there Luke. There is hope here, and you will play a role in this now. DO NOT Let that date happen. She must go total NC! Including quitting her job if she wants to stay married. I requested my fWW change jobs and she did.

I smell set up.

She also said she wouldn't be surprised if a PI was listening to them. That i was very good at finding out stuff and have great intuition.

So why discuss this in the open?

Also, they said,"we knew the risks"

My husband thinks we had sex, but not yet she said. But, i did promise you something."

He said,"i think it's too late for that."

I think that it was rehearsed. I also think that the OM is getting cold feet.

He said she needs to do what's best for her.

Not *Oh Shit, What now?* or a similar reaction. Way too cool, even if they hadn't has sex yet.

Continue the 180 and D.

I'm sorry brother.

[This message edited by 5454real at 3:37 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

So i see two options now.

1. When she lies about NC with him tonite and it's over that i tell her know that's not true.

I know they are planning on meeting Friday. And, she still has a promise to keep with him. I really want her to know i know about this promise. I really do. I really want her to know i know she said they were 12 yrs too late in meeting. I really do. If she asks how i found out i just say you need to be more careful in public. I have many friends.

That would by my start.

2. I go along like i believe her today. But, but, i follow her on Friday for one helluva surprise. Hi honey, Surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. I'm thinking of drawing up a letter to both their bosses and HR and bringing that with. I'm talking with my divorce attorney today in a bit.

Thougts please.

Hi Luke, you must be feeling like absolute crap at the moment, hopefully things will take a turn for the better after you get through this next big hurdle. Take a stance, from now on she is going to be accountable for her time out of work hours. She is a wife and mother and she needs to be with her family. DO NOT LET HER GO OUT ON FRIDAY NIGHT arrange a dinner invite some family or friends over, invite the pastor, invite anyone just as long as there is someone there and tell her that she needs to be there with you and your guests, dont spring it on her tomorrow tell her today that you are having dinner guests over, even if you havent asked anyone yet, she needs to come home right after work. If you say you know that she is meeting with him on Friday she will know that you have access to her phone conversations so you cant reveal this.

I know my H was absolutely terrified that I had told everyone about his A. I just said I have told people but "not everyone" lol, but the mere thought that people knew what he was upto was enough to get him thinking.

Tell her you are meeting or speaking with your solicitor today as he wants an update on where your marriage is headed.

I would say to her "I hope you are taking this NC agreement seriously, because if your not and I have an inkling of you breaching it, then you and I are finished, and I will be telling HR about it, and neither one of you will have a job to go to."

She will be angry with you, dont let it faze you.

Luke,

I agree with the others. You MUST blow this out of tonight. The problem is that even if you stop Friday, what do you do about next Monday, or Tuesday, etc.???

You still need to STOP this meeting Friday just to show her she is not fooling you. I would do the following

(1) Give her the ultimatum tonight that this is over tonight AND that you ARE filing for divorce.. You tell her that if she agrees to your demands for R you will stop the divorce , but that you will under no circumstances tolerate any more lying or contact with this guy. get a yes or no answer and tell her there is no sense in trying to fool you because it will only prolong the inevitable and why waste the time.You will find out and you will not stop the divorce until you are sure she is "all in" in keeping your marriage together, which she is NOT now.

(2) Tell her what you know, EVERYTHING, but absolutely do NOT reveal how you know, and wait until she lies to you and tells you she ended it today before you tell her you know about the lunch on Friday. The PI is a good excuse. Make it clear to her she will not get away with it anymore and that she is not going to lunch Friday to fuck him.

(3) Tell her you are going to her workplace to see the HR department before the end of the week.

(4) And she starts to look for another job tomorrow. You will give her 30 days to find one or quit her job if she wants to stay married.

Now, to be honest with you, you need to accept the fact that she does not care enough about you or your marriage now to probably agree to any of this, so you need to start to prepare on moving forward without her, as painful as that is.

knowing what she is doing, if you put aside your anger, do you really still look at her as your loving wife.

Luke, with her attitude and level of deceit, and her working there with him, the outlook is not good because she will be continuously trying to tempt him. This "fog" stuff is bull shit and do not accept it.

It is just an excuse to hold on to her affair, and if it is difficult, no fucking shit. getting caught cheating should be difficult.

Remember, you are NOT going to nice her back. if you back pedal at all, you are done.

Where were they when this conversation took place.

1. Sometimes patience is best. But in this case, if you confront tonight, you have to keep your cool. No matter what crap she says. I can tell you now, she will blame shift, she will turn it all on you. Just like the other night when she said something like, Your time for talking is up.

Oh really, just tell her your time for talking as just begun.

Be ready for a fight, but do not let yourself get drawn into a stupid illogical fight. She will do and say everything and anything to look right. It is best to say your peace and walk away.

You could end up saying things you are sorry for, or in other words could actually screw you later.

You have to stick to your guns if you confront her tonight. You just calmly tell her you heard everything. You are upset, and she has to quit her job, no other way around this in light of what she says and feels.

DO Not tell her how you know. If you have to make something up, just say a PI.

2. Following her on Friday, interesting idea, and a fantasy of many BH, actually catching the two together and stopping them before sex. But with dangers. Would you stop before you hurt the OM. What purpose would it serve to wait until Friday just to catch them. I think repeating her words back to her from today, should shock the crap out her even more.

3. A letter to HR can come later and or if she refuses to quit her job.

Your wife has a hell of a lot of work to do for R. She has to even acknowledge to herself what she did was even wrong.

Luke,

Whats wrong with doing ALL THREE options you stated above???

But #1 is a MUST

Whats wrong with doing ALL THREE options you stated above???

But #1 is a MUST

If tonight goes bad and she leaves for work tomorrow or Friday, following her is a must.

I'm thinking hard about this. I know it's either her job or my marriage. Problem is if i make her quit we are done as she will resent me forever. This was her dream job, and it's tough finding one in her field.

If she stays i'm probably done too, as she can't help herself right now.

I do want her to know tonight that i know everything about what she said. I'm going to tell her when she says it's over that it's interesting cause i know everything like when you said" there's probably a PI listening" she should have trusted her gut. I'd rather suggest the PI than have her guess. Although there is a chance she'll figure out the real source but i doubt it. But at this point, so what if i catch her on Friday. As Badhurt said, what about Monday, Tues,..I'm tired of this. I'm tired of trying to stay one step ahead.

I'd rather her know i know everything said today.

I want to ask her about the promise. What promise.Those exact words so she feels it.

I want to ask her about the 12 yrs. too late. I want her to feel it. I want her to know i know she said she doesn't know how to not want to touch him when she sees him, and that it's still ok for them to text and go out just more as friends now.I want her to know i know about still meeting Friday.

If she stays the only way it will work is if they know i can find out, and the OM seems to have more a head on his shoulder. A nice conversation with him about the letter of the affair to his boss and hers is something i could hang over his head to stay the hell away while my wife tries IC or MC.

She needs space away from him. I see this as a way to do that.

As far as monitoring her in the future, even if i can't it doesn't matter. After what she said today i can't see myself with her. I'm not sure there is ever a recovery from what i heard today. I'm more and more reserving myself that this marriage is over. That divorce is inevitable. If not this guy what about another in a few months. And don't i deserve to have someone want me, and only me like i did for her. Aren't i worth something.

Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe there is hope. I just don't see any rays of sunshine now.

Do exactly what you said in your post,

Get it all out except your real source

And file for D

You are right .She needs to attention from other men , has told you that , so there will be another one.

And you will not stop her with her in that job.

Stay strong and do it tonight

I just had another idea. What if i create a fake email account and create like it's for a PI. I send it to my account with details like a transcript. If needed i show that to her. Or i just show her the transcrpit anyway with official wording. Is that overkill.

just had another idea. What if i create a fake email account and create like it's for a PI. I send it to my account with details like a transcript.

Overkill. You want her to be the one talking, not you explaining how you know.

Do not put any spotlight on how you know, the fact is you know and that is enough to shock her. Anymore than that and the whole conversation gets turned into how you know.

You want the entire spotlight and conversation on HER conversation, not how you know.

If your wife did tell you she needs attention from other men, then she certainly has some issues and she needs to go to therapy.

ETA: You are trying to overthink this, don't. Tell her exactly what you wrote in the above post, what you heard and what you need to know and what you need her to do. Put the burden ALL on her.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 5:09 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

dbl post

[This message edited by shiloe at 5:16 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

Luke

I know how hard and painful this is.

You need to go dark on her. Read up on the 180 here. Start it.

Then go to the investigative forum and read.

Quietly and stealthly gather all the evidence you can. If you out her she will tell family and friends you are crazy and he is "just a friend'.

GPS her car, VAR her car, monitor her, get pics if you can.

Do Not Reveal any of your sources and what you are doing. Make her think all is cool and just gather hard evidence. It will pay off in the end.

[This message edited by shiloe at 5:15 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

Hello Luke sorry you are going through this, yes your wife is in the "FOG" but its really a dopamine hit her brain is getting every time she sees and talks to him. I think the reason The OM seems to be backing off is because he just wants the sex and her offer of just staying friends and no sex is of no interest to him.

I completely agree w/the Craigs response. Tell her about her statements, ask her to explain those. If she asks how you know, tell her thats not as important as what she said. Keep bringing her back to what she said. Tell her verbatim and say "you know". You know, she knows, no need to convince anyone at this point. Her giving him "something" is not okay. Her quitting her job should be the price for her affair, you dont have to mail HR, but ask her to resign to enforce NC. You dont really have a marriage otherwise.

[This message edited by lovesobroken at 5:36 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

what orbit said. Or maybe he knows you know and hes nervous about that and wants to back off esp. because she said you may have a PI etc.

Or maybe he knows you know and hes nervous about that and wants to back off esp. because she said you may have a PI etc.

It might or might not matter, but it is odd how he reacting.

How do you know he is single?

I wouldn't tell her one dang thing you know other than telling her if she follows through on her fuckfest tomorrow you will file for divorce. Have a box of Hefty bags ready and tell her to choose tonight. Tell her you are done being her doormat!!! Mean it.

The fact is you know. When you tell her, she'll know she's busted. She may try to divert the conversation and talk about how you know or see your proof, The fact remains she knows she's busted. Just keep saying your not revealing your source (which sounds like a person ratted her out) and turn the conversation back on point